sea

hear me out:

today, i woke up at 2am feeling agitated. i dreamt of you again. this is probably the last time i’ll dream about you this year. honestly, it feels random that i dreamt of you. i haven’t seen u (in person/online) in awhile.

these days, i feel like i only wake up just to miss you—- & yeah i guess maybe to go for peaceful dusk & cool early morning walks, listen to countless songs on spotify, nature trips, pleasure read and throw fits together that i would wear ‘til i get to see u again…

boy, this will surely hurts like fucking hell when this ends

2021 felt like choosing my college course all over again. i think it’s safe to say that i must have overlooked it a little and did not bother to research about it that much (i’m referring to my course here lmao.) all i know is that, it has something to do with writing and i was really into writing back in HS. (still am now but i’m pretty rusty tho) so i dove right in—headfirst, not knowing full well what i’ve plunged myself into. the next thing i know, i was feeling lost and confused because it’s not what i’ve imagined it to be like at all. it even came to a point where i wanted to shift to a different course because it’s not what i’ve thought it was. i felt like abandoning it all at once but i guess my college course grew on me eventually. time really ripens all things. so yeah— i’ve managed to pulled myself together, pushed thru and ended up graduating cum laude. it even feels like a reward hahaha jk (weird flex and weird analogy between 2021 & my college course but yeah whatever) i guess what i’m trying to say is that, last year was kinda wild and i was blindsided by it. it’s like a big ass roller coaster of emotions and feelings that i never saw coming. it felt kinda weird and happy and fun and sad and lonely and exhilarating and unexpected and bittersweet all at the same time. cliche as it may seem but a lot of things have happened last year and so many things have changed. some days were hard and i felt like dying (well, not really. you know metaphorically, curling into a ball and having a giant fucking rock drop on my body) but i’m glad that i didn’t because i’ll never get to experience everything that i’ve experienced last year and never get to meet and stumble upon beautiful souls. i am grateful nonetheless and i can say that i’m truly happy with everything and everyone (y’all know who u are hehe) in my life rn. i know i say this a lot but everything has a way of working out in the end. always. i guess u just really need to look for the silver lining. i think one thing 2021 has taught me is that everything is temporary. a bittersweet ephemerality indeed. u can never have the same exact moment twice so cherish it and grasps for it. I’m still thankful for last year tho. One of the best ones and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Here’s to a new year full of growth and genuine happiness & contentment. 🥂

do u ever feel like crying but tears won’t come out?

these tired bones need a place to rest.