“I’ve been drunk since eleven A.M.”
“Say, where are the whores?”
“I’m not a baby! I’m just scared the monster’s gonna eat us.”
“You don’t gotta go looking for scary stuff. It’s gonna find you.”
“This lady done lost her damn mind.”
“Okay, let’s go. These white people are crazy.”
“This chick takes dumps out of her mouth!”
“I loved taking a race car to that improv class with you.”
“It feels really good to laugh, because before this I was in a really bad cult.”
“We were rolling down a hill in two giant plastic hamster balls.”
“Sorry I got mad. That’s not me. Well, it is me, but I’m doing a bad job hiding it.”
“I served in Iraq. I was a waitress at a diner there for three years.”
“All the girls hate me just because I’m so mean to them!”
“Well, I live in Hollywood. I’m a pediatric nurse… I’ve also done some light porn.”
“Look in her eyes! There’s nothing inside! It’s Miss Trash 2016!”
“My mom’s a bitch! She still makes me sit in a car seat and it faces backwards so I never know where we’re going! I get so carsick I have to suck on my own foot to calm me down!”
“Her foot is in the guacamole!”
“They do wheelies, they smoke E-cigarettes, they dry hump in their cars. Now, I know they’re doing it because I can hear the sound of the denim on the denim!”
“I’ve been sober now for twenty minutes.”
“I’m sorry; some kind of fat bird just hit my mouth. I need a minute.”
“I totally just kissed your head! That was weird!”
“I’m gonna match my eye shadow to my dress, to my nails, to all the crystal clips in my hair so I’m like one big color.”
“After school I went and said ‘what can I do for some extra credit’ and it was on.”
“I walked to the car with my arms out, kind of like spinning in circles like a Disney princess. Like… mid-song.”
“Whoa! I found a dead squirrel in your pool!”
“I even taught myself how to break dance. And I was good! Like, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really good!”
“The only thing I eat for breakfast is a single vitamin and two diet cokes.”
“May you only have daughters!”
“You know… you remind me of the bad guys in the Bible.”
“I smell bad, but I look good.”
“I knew he was dating that chicken; I just knew it.”
“You know: the haircut all moms have! That’s a soft waterfall in the front but knives in the back.”
“Don’t speak! If you speak they will know you are simple; if they know you are simple they will drown you in river.”
“I can’t find my debit card; I think my identity’s been thieved.”
“God! I wish I was a lesbian so I didn’t have to carry a purse.”
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