Sam A Lambda

Curly x Anya (Curlya)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23814763

We Often Forget The Youth Of The Ones Most Hurting (1,799 words); the kids talk with Paeden and Darryl and Henry share a nice moment

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24037627

What Happens to Glenn and Ron in All the Oakson Bed Sharing Fics (1,242 words); Ron and Glenn share a bed as literally just bros and their friendship is nice but also makes me feel a longing I can’t put into words

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25193251

You Belong (2,493 words); Glenn tells nick a story to help him sleep after a nightmare

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25447591

hand holding underneath the stars (1,041 words); terry and grant discuss the trip to ballsdeep

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25522156

Nightmares fucken suck (1,202 words); lark wakes up from a nightmare and spends some time with nick

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25169305

Where the Birds and the Bees Wont Know Me (2,714 words); Darryl and grant get to have an actual heart to heart after grant’s date with Yeet ends badly

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25105726

Falling down like angels fighting Stars and lightning hold me tightly (807 words); friends can cuddle, as a treat

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24968866

War Paint (2,651 words); while being held by the omega daddies the kids have some time to bond and have fun however short-lived it may be

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26093029

Cat’s Cradle (2,811 words); "What was your father like?"

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26498299

Brave as a Noun (1,883 words); so episode 42 sure did hurt like hell. Here’s a really nice fic of Darryl helping Henry process the aftermath

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26641723

only a few ever worried (3,096 words); terry junior is angry on behalf of nick

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26666263/chapters/65036041

This is like 20 thousand years ago! And the joy and happiness of going to water made this child playfully skip along! It’s universal! Dancing their way back to their family!

In a language we will never hear, a culture we’ll never know, with thoughts and ideas we can only imagine! There are millennia of untold moments of happiness, of human connection and warmth that are gone forever. But they still happened! Did that family even notice the tracks they left? How could they have known that that one day their impossibly distant descendants would be able to see the imprints they made?

Another set of tracks in the same area shows three men hunting a giant kangaroo, running at incredible speeds, but one of them had only one foot! They jumped along on one foot, every so often an imprint from a stick appearing. How did they lose their limb? An accident? A fight? A predator? Was it completely gone or maimed? Was it from birth? Either way this person was cared for by their family and was able to heal and participate fully in life! They most likely felt grief when their family member lost the use of their limb! Who cared for them? Who gave them the stick to help them walk? What kind of joy did their family feel when they made a recovery? Did someone shape and carve the stick? They certainly worked all of their other wooden tools, something as essential that would have been too.

This was during the ice age when Australia became a brutally cold, dry desert. Their entire food system had to change. By all indications it should have been a stark and difficult life of little resources. But no! They worked together! They looked after their wounded and sick! The speed that these hunters were running at was incredible and means they were well fed and healthy! A millennia of helping one another and caring for one another and all we can get are tiny glimpses of these moments did they catch the kangaroo did they laugh and congratulate each other when they did how happy were they to bring it back to their families I just

And as you all know I Am currently taking a geology class, so I am probably more emotionally invested in minerals than usual. But that is...very obviously not a natural crystal.

So I did some looking around on Etsy.

Now, these shops all seem to advertise to the “witchy”/“spiritual healing” type of person. And there are a lot of them. Crystals are a Big Thing on Etsy. And ALMOST ALL of them are obviously artificially cut into the same sort of prism with a triangular pyramid top, regardless of the actual sort of crystal it is supposed to be.

Even like, fucking, obsidian. Obsidian is volcanic glass, it doesn’t form crystals at all, it is not a crystal

And as I scroll, I start to see items in...interesting shapes:

“Oh,” I think to myself. “Oh no.”

But it is too late. I have heard the siren’s song, singing to me of knowledge that will destroy me, but that I cannot help but seek.

These...elongated objects are almost always ambiguously described as “massage wands,” “crystal healing wands,” and other such innocuous things. The egg-shaped objects are, um, “yoni eggs.”

...Right. Okay.

Maintain the youthfulness of my sacred organ.

IT’S A SEX TOY. SAY IT. BITCH, IT’S A SEX TOY, IT’S OKAY, SERIOUSLY, THERE’S NO SHAME IN IT, SAY IT WITH PRIDE, SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST,

OKAY.

Okay. I’m good. I’m fine.

Actually, you know what, never mind. There is shame in this and I want it to be never acknowledged again.

Additionally, I am not fine.

Why the fuck are there so many of these—

At this point I stop and start googling.

Now, Selenite is the crystalline form of gypsum. It is also known as satin spar. Selenite is brittle and breaks easily, and has a Mohs hardness scale of 2.

For those unfamiliar with the Mohs hardness scale, a mineral with a hardness of 2 is soft enough that it can be easily scratched with a fingernail. It also is dissolved by moisture.

NO. DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR BODY???? DON’T PUT THE GYPSUM, WHICH HAS A MOHS HARDNESS SCALE OF 2, IS BRITTLE AND BREAKS EASILY, AND IS WATER SOLUBLE, INSIDE YOUR LITERAL ACTUAL VAGINA??????????

I try to reassure myself with the fact that these things are probably not actually selenite, because making a dildo out of such a soft mineral in the first place would be very difficult. Having seen fluorite before, I feel pretty certain that the fluorite yoni eggs are probably actually just glass.

I google fluorite.

Okay.

Further exploring online shows me that fluorite is soluble in various strong acids.

Some guys on a forum in 2004 have strong contradictory opinions on this.

(I google the pH of the vagina.)

I don’t understand how pH works. I give up on the solubility question and google the toxicity of fluorite:

I now know at least one orifice fluorite does not go inside.

I have opened Pandora’s box, except Pandora’s box is filled with minerals God did not intend to be anywhere near the vagina carved into the shape of dildos. Etsy is advertising me sex toys I wish I could forget.

And vaginal steam herbs.

It seems that there is potentially a correlation between wanting to steam your vagina and wanting to put rocks in it. I know, groundbreaking discovery.

Okay, so we’re talking therapy substitute therapy substitute.

(I begin to think about how desperately we need universal health care. Maybe I just need someone, something, to blame.)

At this point, I realize that I haven’t done any googling on whether dildos made of rocks are a good idea at all. So, very tentatively, as if typing it more slowly will make it any less observed by the FBI, I google whether quartz should be used...internally.

First result that pops up:

That’s, uh. That’s reassuring.

I decide I’m incapable of unpacking this particular suitcase.

There are, of course, a small handful of articles debating the safety of rose quartz sex toys. But I’m getting the feeling that this is not a normal question to have in the first place. I close the tab with little relief.

Etsy is still enthusiastically recommending me things that hurt me psychologically.

...pleasure chalk?

How can I describe the fear that this image struck in me, reader?

Pleasure Chalk? What could that be?

Is knowing worse, or is not knowing? I scarcely have a choice:

I check in with my emotions.

Is this relief? Am I relieved that they are eating the dirt instead of fucking it? One review complains about the taste. I don’t know what they expected.

I try in vain to struggle against the tide, to return to the relatively normal side of Etsy. I begin to resent, no, hate, these deceptively aesthetically pleasing hippie shops eagerly spreading medical misinformation and things as yet unknown.

This, unlike the other “crystals” I have shown, appears to show naturally grown crystals. They are, of course, quartz crystals, and $45 comes off as extremely overpriced. I have a quartz crystal I got for a dollar at an Eastern Kentucky rock festival, about the size and quality of the ones in the photo.

Quartz is the most common mineral in the Earth’s crust. But at least this is regular levels of annoying.

Then I see this:

Well, I see the photo and the price, and I think, that looks like a regular quartz crystal. There’s no way a regular quartz crystal is $1,347.

I read the description:

I am crying. I don’t want to google any of this. I am beyond googling. I no longer desire knowledge.

THATS A QUARTZ CRYSTAL. MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S QUARTZ. SIO2, MOST COMMON MINERAL IN THE EARTH’S CRUST. ITS FUCKING QUARTZ IM—

I click on a malachite.

The malachite promises to protect me from emails. And at this, darkest hour, I want to be protected.

I have been broken. I have been lured to my demise.

Big Brother: loved.

Geology lab I’m supposed to be doing: incomplete.

The lost continent of Lemuria is a fictional theoretical continent theorized by some anthropologists to exist where the indian ocean is now. It found it's place in occult history around 1860 when russian Occultist Madame Helena Blavatsky wrote a book theorizing that humanity is actually descendant from several "Root Races" one of which was the fabled Lemurians.

The new-age movement of the 60s and 70s saw a return of the Lemurian mythology. Many small cults and pyramid schemes promised to "unlock the nascent spiritual power of your lemurian ancestry"

In the deeper lore, Lemuria was the knowledge-loving, pacifist, and spiritual opposite of the warlike, mechanized, and imperial Atlantis, and both civilizations were lost during their cataclysmic time-travel war, the "Atlantean-Lemurian Hyperwar"

A "Lemurian Seed Crystal" is supposedly their parallel for a computer. And that many natural crystal formations are actually the remnants of ancient lemurian data centers, whose information can only be unlocked by a lemurian descendant of significant psychic power. (powers which many grifters would offer to train you to unlock for a fee)

The first panel is of a monitor with a photorealistic picture of spinach leaves on it, and a bald guys lying down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. The guy says, “Oh spinach, I’m just feeling real low.”

The second panel is of the monitor with a photo of spinach on it, saying, “I can send email” in all caps.

The third panel is a closeup of the guy on the couch, staring at the ceiling for a moment.

She wants me to send it to her via email so she can share it with her boss

She was laughing for like a full minute