Life in an Odd World

Me:

I had a super fun (not) encounter with a parent today in the ED.

Me: Hi, I’m Dr. Pedsandcats! I hear this kiddo is running a fever, can tell me about what’s been going on momma?

Parent (typing on cell phone and has not looked up at me once): yeah she’s had a fever, but I really just need a prescription for Orajel for her because she’s teething and she’s been fussy.

Me: Well, there are actually some big risks with giving orajel to little kids because the main ingredient can actually be very toxic to them and topical medicines have not been shown to be helpful with teething pain. Perhaps she’s a little fussy because of the fevers? Can you tell me more about those?

Parent (still hasn’t looked up at me): no, I have some old orajel at home. I gave it to my older kid and it said it was for kids and it worked. Where is the doctor? He’ll know what I’m talking about… since you clearly don’t.

Me (working very hard on my poker face): Ma’am, I am the doctor. I would be happy to print out the recent news headlines about the FDA recall of orajel for kids. Now can we PLEASE discuss your child’s fever?

Parent (finally stops texting with a big annoyed sigh): she felt warm at home, and we’re out of Tylenol too… can I get at least script for that? Or is that also now dangerous for kids? And can you discharge us real quick? My ride is on my way…

You literally cannot make this shit up.

Post-script:

Dear humans of the world,

Me: Listen feet, I know you’re tired, but I need you to get in the shoes.

Feet: