Unfiltered Thoughts

Every sunset reminds me of the beach with you

Every song I hear reminds me of the car rides with you

Every day I think of you, but what can I do? Cause I know you never think of me too

Every time I see a meme I’d want to share with you

Every time I write a song I think of you

Every time I got some good news I’d want to share with you

But I can never do that now.

Not when you told me you’re seeing somebody new

Was I a fool to have thought that we had something?

When you teased me, when you hugged me, when you cuddled me in that two weeks when you decided to just followed me to my hometown?

Now every time I think of home, I think of you.

I don’t want to have you in my everything anymore.

The way we stare at each other feels more than just friends

The way we play fights seems more than just friends

The way we hug each other seems more than just friends

The way we cuddle seems more than just friends

The sexual tension is too strong for us to be just friends

I wanted to ask you if we’re more than friends but my heart can’t bear another rejection from you…

It became even harder for me now that I have stupidly fallen back in love with you when I shouldn’t.

So what are we?

I miss having you around,

I miss laughing at the kitchen table,

I miss the banter when we’re cooking,

I miss seeing your smile,

I miss staring into your blue eyes,

I miss the cold nights with a cigarette burning between our fingers,

I miss talking to you,

I miss your texts just to have a random conversation,

I miss you.

But I know you don’t miss me too

It was all a lie. I thought, even after all this, you were at least a friend to me. I guess I was foolish to even think of that. I trusted you when I shouldn’t have.

I told you I like you, and you played me for that. You made me think that you didn’t like me and then you kiss me? Even after that kiss, you threw me aside like I was nothing but a toy you broken. Well, that’s just mean.

Even with music, the one thing I hold dear to me that helped me overcome the darkness, you ruin that too. Making music with you was something I thought was beautiful. I guess not. Even with that, you played me. To find out that you gotten someone else to fill that spot by stumbling on your ig story. Well, that shows how much of a coward you are for not telling it to my face.

You’re nothing but a liar.

You know, I didn’t see myself liking you at first. But I did anyway. We barely spoke when we got to know each other 2 years back. And I actually do think there was a blessing in disguise in this pandemic cause it created a little space and we got to know each other and talk which felt like eternity.

We spoke about almost anything. Life, family, quotes, music, quarantine, Star Wars, boys... I felt like I could open up and just be myself around you. I didn’t need to pretend to be someone I’m not. Although, I wasn’t in the right state of mind. My little head was clouded by a boy who was playing mind game with me. And you listened to me pouring my frustrations and heart out. You even scolded me for being an idiot who’s caught in someone else’s game. Cute.

We started hanging out with an excuse of starting a project. Which eventually turns into more projects. Even when we were in lockdown, I would sneak out to meet you just to work on our little project. The more time we spent together, the closer we got.

The days we’ve spent together made me noticed your little gestures. I loved how you tucked my hair behind my ears, how you hugged me from behind, your forehead kisses, your cuddles, how you pet my head, how you pinched my cheeks... slowly, I fell for you. Your smile, your cheekiness, your jokes, your laugh, just all of you.

Truth.

Confession.

Fear.

I want to tell you how I really feel. But what would you say? Do you feel the same? Or maybe not? I want to tell you but I don’t want to lose all of this. I don’t want to lose you.

Courage.

I wanted to tell you in person but I got scared. You looked so stressed that day and I didn’t want to add more stress with my silly confession. So, I texted you the next day instead. And when you didn’t respond, I felt like crying cause I thought this is it. And then we spoke on the phone cause I needed to clear things before we become awkward.

Answer.

I did not regret telling you. I wish you nothing but happiness. Even if our smiles look different from now, I hope you know that you make me happy for once in my life. And I want you to know, you will always be dear to me.

I’m shivering while typing this. I’ve lost my best friend 5 years ago to Cancer. He was the most loving, funniest, caring person I’ve ever known. I remember how he was always there for me when I needed him. Whenever I’m about to do something stupid, he would always be there to talk me out of it and eventually smack me in the head to even thought of doing it. Five years. Now, I’m able to talk about him without feeling pain.

Today, a friend of mine overdosed herself on meds because she was feeling so depressed. She could’ve died. I tried lending her my hand but she was willing to let go. What do I do? How do I help her? What if she died? What if I try to help and she pushes herself even further off the cliff?

I don’t think I can bare to lose another friend. What should I do?

It started out with a “Hey” on that flaming app, then it ended up to a “let’s talk on the phone”.

A week was what it took for everything to be painted as something so magical. Calls every night that lasted for hours till 5am. It was great while it lasted.

One Drunk Call. Was what it took to destroy that blissful dream. Clearly he was still yearning for his ex. What could you do with a drunk person on the other line? Comfort him.

Apologies. Was what I got the next day. Cigarettes was what I inhaled instead. I had to set things straight. I don’t think my heart could take it anymore. A LINE. Was what I drew so my heart would be safe.

It’s so easy for him to play with a person’s heart. But I’d still wait for his calls and continue to hurt.

I have a crush on you. Is it that easy to say?

I had a crush on you. That’s because it was back in high school. You with that small eyes, tanned skin, tall figure with an eluring smile. You caught my attention with that smile. I secretly applied the same part time job just to be near you. And you treated me like a little sister. Ouch! Maybe because I was really tiny compared to you.

But that was years back. You suddenly commented on one of my videos. That tingly feeling comes creeping back. Wow! You remembered me. You said “I miss hearing you sing”. There you go again. My heart has completely melted. There were little interactions but that’s okay. I like those little happiness.

But life goes on right? Then, I stumbled upon your profile on a dating app. Should I swipe right? Sure why not. And you replied. My heart starts to race. With so little conversation, you just stopped replying. But then, you saw my stories. Why do you do this to me? Sigh. Sometimes “I just kinda wish you were gay “- Billie Eilish

Have you ever felt so suffocated that you just want to rip your lungs out?

Have ever feel your heart so heavy that you just want to rip it off of your chest?

Have you ever waited for someone and thought to yourself why do you even do this?

Why did you wait?

You know he isn’t waiting.

He’s probably out there talking to some other girl while you wait.

You sit in your room in the dark, staring at your phone, waiting for it to light up with his name on your screen.

Why did you do it? Why did you fall for him when you know very well you shouldn’t.

Now, you sit in your room with the guitar, your book and pen spread on your bed. Pouring out all your heart content on that piece of paper while thinking about him.

I know it’s been three years and this will be the fourth. I wonder how are you doing up there? Are you happy? Do you miss me? Cause I know I do. I miss you so much. Sometimes I feel like I’m going through life without noticing what’s going on. Like I’m aimlessly walking through it. I wonder what it would be like if you’re here with me, right here, right now. You would hold me in your arms and tell me “everything’s gonna be alright”. I feel miserable. Miserable that you’re not here with me. I pretended to be strong and I’m getting tired now. I’m getting tired of smiling even though I’m in pain. I want to tell you so many things. I want to sit with you under the same sky at 2am and talk forever. I want to go on a midnight drive with you to somewhere unfamiliar. I want to travel around the world and have desserts for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I want to see your face again. I want to see you looking at me with those blue eyes. I want to see you smiling at me and calling me an idiot for everything I do. I want you to know that I miss you dearly and I wish you could take me with you. Somewhere where only you and I exists. I hope you miss me, Max. I really hope you do. Cause I miss you.

12:24am - 29/01/2018.

Posted by @shespacedout

His words so sweet, his eyes so deep,

All night long his laugh was like music to you ears.

But you gotta keep reminding yourself he doesn’t see you the way you see him.

You gotta tell yourself to keep your heart safe! Lock it up and throw away the key.

Cause if he did like you the way you like him, he’d search for the key to unlock that fragile heart of yours.

Then again, you know deep down, he was only your crush and you’re not his.

27 Jan 2018: 2nd date with him.

Thoughts by @shespacedout

You met him, you liked him.

He’s sweet, he’s kind and he’s charming.

Every time he sends you a text, you carve a smile on your face.

As the week passed, he texts lesser. Your smile slowly fades.

What were you doing to yourself? Why did you wait for his texts?

Was he as excited as you were when he received yours?

Maybe? But who are you kidding? He’s got plenty of girls texting him and that’s where his attention lies.

Then again, you’ve only met him once. Maybe it was all in your head. Maybe you were the one who was catching feelings.

And you are the only one who can set yourself free. If he’s not investing, the onus is on you to walk away.

2:13AM: Thoughts by @shespacedout