ＴＯＫＹＯ　ＮＩＧＨＴ　ＤＲＩＶＥ (首都高)

Raindrops run down the passenger side window in front of my eyes and the city lights outside swim past me in a blur. My cheek is flushed where I lean against the cool glass and I keep my eyes slightly closed, even though I'm anything but tired. Inside I'm wide awake.

There's a lump deep in my throat and no matter how much I swallow, it doesn't seem to go away. My thoughts keep flashing back to the day I met him. Where our bodies intertwined too perfectly as that we couldn't be meant for each other. Where I thought if I let go of him I would never touch the ground again. To the day that changed everything.

We were happy - no, we are happy. At least that's what we say. He means it, I know that. I don't know if I mean it anymore.

I like lying in his arms. They are warm and I know I am safe from the demons I try to hide from every day. But he can't stop everyone. At least not the one with hazel eyes, dark hair that feels infinitely soft between my fingers and a light summer tan on his skin.

Something in my chest tightens at the thought. It feels wrong. Wrong to think about sitting behind him on the motorcycle again. Wrong to imagine that my touch would make his heart flutter slightly. Wrong to wish he was the man behind the wheel right now.

Sometimes things like that happen, I tell myself inside, but the words taste bitter on my tongue even though I don't say them. But not to me.

I know that it is normal for young adults to fall in love with the wrong person and sometimes with someone else even though they are in a relationship. I just never thought I would be one of them.

I don't love him, but I like playing with fire and I know how much I want to give in to the temptation.

A gentle touch on the cheek, a deep intertwined hug - maybe a kiss… What it might feel like?

I look over at the driver. I know these lips by heart, perhaps better than my own. Their taste of hot milk with honey and the feeling of familiarity. Almost a bit boring…

I lean against the window again and his warm brown eyes appear in my mind again. Am I settling? Settling for less than what I strive for? The excitement of doing something I shouldn't do turns me on. It tingles under my fingernails and I briefly clench my fists as if that would allow me to unload it.

My cell phone vibrates in my jacket pocket. Instinctively I want to reach for it, but my fingers stop halfway. What if it's him?

It wouldn't be bad, we're just friends. But I'm no longer sure if that's really the truth. I want to know if he texted to me so badly that it almost feels unhealthy.

I want him to want me. I want it to be me, who flashes through his mind when his friends ask who he's currently texting. I want him to think of me when he goes to bed at night and imagine me falling asleep in his arms. I want him to remember my touch whenever he sits on his motorcycle. I want him to want more than just sex from me. I want him to love me.

But if I want him, do I want him because I'm in love with him, or because I know I shouldn't want him?

My eyes fall on the driver again. I would be lying if I said he was the man I found most attractive. But he is the man who is safe. The man I know would stay and who would build a future with me.

I try again to swallow the lump in my throat. I don't want to lose him. He means a lot to me and I know he loves me. He would never watch me fall in love with another man. And I still love him. Somehow.

And yet I don't understand how another man can keep taking over my thoughts so vehemently.

Another message pops up on my phone screen.

»It's supposed to stop raining in 30 minutes. Would you like to take a tour?

I really enjoyed the last few«

Life is cruel. I look up and look out the window. He can pick me up at a gas station.

'Baby? A friend just asked if I could still come over. He's not doing well mentally'

'Okay, where should I drop you off?'

'You can drop me off at the park later and I'll walk from there. It's not far'

This is how it always starts, a treacherous voice whispers in my head, but I push it away. We are friends and nothing more. I lied because I know it would upset him unnecessarily if he knew who I was meeting and why. This lie doesn't hurt anyone. It is the best for all of us. Right?

Midnight Drive 04:18:31

A taxi passes through Ginza on a rainy night in Tokyo

After Dark by Liam Wong can be purchased from his website.

Today’s featured song is: “Midnight Drive” by Holic feat. Merli!