hiding from twitter

eagerly awaiting the day daniel radcliffe, elijah wood, and robert pattinson just make the most fucked up bizarre unmarketable film together

For a split second my dumbass thought the Fukushima nuclear accident had fried the rice

Me, bleeding profusely from a missing leg as I’m being dragged onto the beach: THIS WAS A STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY OCCASION, IF THE SHARK WANTED ME DEAD I WOULD BE DEAD. SHARKS ARE IMPORTANT FOR THEIR ECOSYSTEMS I DO NOT CONDONE ANY ATTEMPTS TO HUNT THIS SHARK

if an animal kills me, that was on ME. it caught ME slackin. let it eat me

when my local friendgroup hit our late 20's/early 30's we all metamorphosed into ancient romans and/or redwall characters bc now whenever we have 'get togethers' ppl are always bringing over cheeses and crusty breads and cured meats and olives and grapes and ales etc

the ancients were wrong about many things but they were absolutely right about snacking plates

it really is insane how waking up early will grant you access to some of the most beautiful sights and sensations in the world that will make you want to live forever, but only if you overcome the gauntlet of a thousand razors that is getting out of bed early. truly one of life's little saw traps.

the best trope in media is: “characters turn on the lights, see the monster, and immediately turn the lights back off”

mom said it’s MY turn to lay gently in the cold dark earth

i love when they draw a carrot on top of the carrot cake just to remind you this aint no ordinary fuckin cake youre dealing with