yoinky sploinkster

having one of those feeling stuck moments where it feels like nothing changes and all I want is love, touch, happiness, etc. thought spirals robbed me off that tonight, again, but I'm home now and what's better than getting a little high and playing some minecraft. still feel angry, but that's ok. I can feel angry. I'll give myself the biggets hugs about it.

i need to start getting uncomfortable. if i want to help with everything going and fight back against all this fascist shit, i need to face it. i need to disappoint my parents. i need to get out of this house and organize with my local queers. i need to show up. i'm so fucking scared but i need to show up.

i think i just might be trans. or straight up genderfluid at least. i'm so afraid of being naturally guy-like because of the pain patriarchy has caused, and that's a whole thing there about the guilt of being a man in a world where a lot of men just suck because of misogyny. but also I see drawing of a pretty woman and i get so jealous. i wanna feel free and i don't know how. plus i'm currently obsessing about not being active enough in activism and god everything hurts when i just want to help in some way. i donate what's comfortable and i've been making time to study so many things and is it all enough? can i do more? should i try to sacrifice my comfort and possibly my stability for the greater good? can i still be happy and help others be happy too? i'm probably spoiled by comforts. uuhgggggg. and as for the trans stuff, could i ever be happy as a woman, or will i always be wishy washy in the middle too uncomfortable to be a dude for fear of being a menace and too scared to be a woman for fear of being perverted and weird cuz tbh I get a little freaky. where is the answer? what can i do to help people without throwing my savings away? how can i feel free in my own body? how do i just do things right? ocd got me by the neck today