Alec Lightwood

Magnus wasn’t sure what answer he’d expected but somehow that- Alec saying he didn’t want to be immortal- had never even occurred to him. Stupid. So stupid. It hurt. It hurt like a knife to the chest. What hurt the worst was that he suddenly realized he’d been making a foolish assumption based on what… what he thought his Alec would have wanted. Or would have been okay with. 

Of course Alec, now, wouldn’t want… wouldn’t want to live forever.

And even though it was fair, and what he had expected, it still stung that Alec didn’t feel for him like he felt for Alec. Did he… did he feel for him at all? Or was it just about Alec feeling safe with him? His eyes burned and he blinked rapidly. He suddenly wished that he hadn’t admitted it. 

It was… it was fine, wasn’t it, if that was all it was. If all that Alec ever felt was grateful, it was fine. As long as he was safe.

He swallowed, arms loosening so Alec could turn. He felt his eyes on him even in the dark and he swallowed again. He blinked again and nodded. 

“Haven’t I been this whole time?” he asked, voice thick and uncertain. “You don’t owe me your feelings, you don’t owe me anything. You feel… you feel what you feel.” He closed his eyes, swallowing again around words he didn’t want to say. “I can try to help you,” he said finally, the words feeling like glass in his throat. “Try to become mortal again.”

There it was, the reason Alec hadn’t wanted to say anything before.  He knew that saying something would spoil the whole mood, the rest of their night.  Even though Magnus said one thing, he could tell from the man’s tone, the thickness in his voice that he felt the complete opposite.  The other was just trying to make him feel better, going against his own wants.  When the other offered to help him become mortal again, it hurt.  He wanted it, but he didn’t want it from Magnus, not from the person that it would hurt the most.

“Don’t worry about it.”  Alec sat up, pulled his knees to his chest.  “I’m sorry.  I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.”  He squeezed his legs tight against him, let his chin rest atop his knees.  “And I don’t owe you my feelings, I know that.  But I do...” he bit his lip, tried to phrase it in his head before he said something stupid again.  “My feelings are my own, and there’s something there.  For you.  I just... there’s so much going on and I’m trying to figure myself out.  I just... I can’t right now.”

Magnus fully expected Alec to pull away. To leave. To admit that he was happy, in any way, that Alec was immortal was far more selfish than he’d allowed himself to be thus far. At least to Alec. To put Alec first in all of this was almost- almost- easy. But he couldn’t help it… couldn’t help that there was a part of him that felt this way. 

Still. He knew it was selfish and unfair. 

“Hiding is never easy. Having to move. It’s easier if you don’t make connections. I understand that.”

He was very still as Alec melted into him. Did that mean he accepted it? That Magnus could love him? Did he believe him? His arms tightened, he closed his eyes, breathing Alec in. He didn’t expect his feelings to be returned. He knew this wasn’t the Alec he had known. It hurt, but he knew it wasn’t how Alec felt. But at least Alec stayed. He didn’t leave. He curled closer, if that were possible, and held Magnus tighter. 

“I know it’s selfish,” he whispered, barely a breath. “How I feel about… your immortality… and telling you this. Telling you I love you. I know it’s selfish. And I don’t want… you to feel obligated.”

He took a deep breath and then stopped talking. Talking would only make it worse. And he didn’t want Alec to leave.

Soft words filled the air and Alec lay still while he listened.  Out of all the words Magnus could use to describe himself, selfish was not one of them.  Not really.  Sure, the man had personal intentions in the matter perhaps, but all in all, Alec knew Magnus wanted the best for him.  Magnus wanted him to be okay, to feel safe, to have security, and those things were always at the forefront.  And if anyone deserved to be even a bit selfish, it was the Magnus.  The warlock housed him while enduring bouts of nasty attitude and mood swings, gave him patience when he hid himself away from the world and attention when he just wanted someone to talk to.

Downworlders. Mundanes. Violating… laws? Like hunter rules? Cause Stiles had yet to meet a hunter that actually followed those. Everyone seemed to have a reason or way around them. Look at the messes they found themselves in.

What the fuck was this dude on?

“Is there different lingo for each region of hunters or something?” Stiles said.

His hands shoved into his hoodie pockets and he paced the living room. He hated being in this house. For plenty of reasons, really. Least of all his general discomfort with hunters. For obvious reasons.

“I mean, there were these South American hunters but they used the same shit we do. Downworlders. Is that seriously what you call supernatural people? It’s pretty… degrading sounding.”

Not that he couldn’t read into it. What it meant. What this guy mean when he said it. And he couldn’t help the way it piqued his curiosity to hear the way this huner was talking about it. Laws meant to… protect him? And- if he was catching on- his pack? Hunter rules, laws, they were never about protecting them.

“Who are you?”

Alec understood the mistrust, had been briefed of everything that had happened in Beacon before his arrival.  That didn’t mean the situation wasn’t frustrating him.  Sure, Alec hadn’t gone in with expectations of immediate trust.  Like every other downworlder he encountered, he’d have to earn this group’s trust.  All these questions, though, the accusations, it weighed on his patience.  

“It’s not different from region to region.  You have your hunters like the Argents, humans that live by a moral code.  Then you have Shadowhunters, humans with angel blood that are held to a law.”  At least that was the basic difference that he gathered.

“I have good friends that are downworlders,” he pointed out.  “My boyfriend is a downworlder.  I didn’t come up with it, but when I use it, it’s not meant as derogatory.”  Maybe one day they’d be able to take back that word, turn it into something positive.  Or get rid of it all together.  But now, it was simply a word that got his point across and kept everyone on the same page.

The situations was complicated, at best. Complicated not being at all a strong enough word. Impossible perhaps. How many times had Cat come to visit, Raphael? To try to talk to him, to get him to see reason, to explain how impossible and unhealthy this all seemed to them. But they didn’t understand and he couldn’t explain it. He loved Alec. He’d spent fifty years searching for him. 

There was no way he could walk away now. Ever.

His heart clenched at Alec’s words. At how closely they mirrored his own. So, so, so many years ago. Said to this very man. How had they changed places. How had this happened. Oh, they had some answers. But the full scope of what had been done to Alec was still hard to grasp. To wrap his mind around. That anyone could hate Magnus so much, resent his power and his actions so deeply, as to do this to Alexander. 

“Do you know that I said almost the same thing to you the first night we ever had drinks?” he said softly, knowing how strange Alec could be about memories like that. “It’s not easy, being immortal. Being alone. Knowing you’ll lose anyone you get attached to. And you… you had no one to guide you, no memory, no answers. I can only imagine.”

Magnus’ hand dragged down Alec’s arm to wrap around Alec’s hand fisted on his chest. His thumb rubbed over tense knuckles and brought it slowly to his lips. He pressed a kiss to those fingers and then let Alec’s hand drop again, not wanting to scare him. 

“You and I… we’ve always found our way back to each other. Selfishly, now, knowing you’re immortal… it’s unfair that I can feel a sort of joy at that. That I won’t lose you.” His voice broke, shame bleeding into his tone. He pressed his lips to Alec’s head again, breathing in deeply. “I love you, Alexander. Right now. Here. I love you.”

Alec shook his head.  Of course he didn’t know, couldn’t remember.  It didn’t surprise him all that much, though.  While he’d only been stuck for fifty years, Magnus had been around a lot longer in much the same way Alec was existing - never changing.  Alec could only imagine how hard that must’ve been.  In just his fifty years, Alec found it hard to keep people away, struggled to keep people at an arm’s length.  If someone wanted to, they would find a way to work themselves into your life, and short of moving, not much could be done.  Magnus probably didn’t have that luxury, or at least probably wouldn’t have been a consistently open option.

“I was more afraid of being found out than losing someone.”  Lord only knew what would have happened if word got out, if someone discovered that he couldn’t age.  That had been the biggest fear in the beginning.  As Alec got better at hiding, for the decade preceding Jace and Magnus, the loneliness had crept in.  “I don’t know how you did it.”

The words filled him with more anxiety than they should have, though he was careful not to let any of it show.  It’s wasn’t Magnus’ fault, not entirely.  How could anyone blame Magnus for acting selfishly toward the man he’d loved, and still loved even all these centuries later.  A part of him wanted to ask what would happen if he didn’t want to live until the end of time, wanted to ask if there was a way to make him mortal again.  With the anxiety of the night and with the confession the other made, he decided now probably wasn’t the time.  The topic wasn’t going anywhere, and neither was he.

       Jace vacillated between putting up more of a fight and just giving in – Alec was almost as stubborn as he was, on a good day, and they were wasting time standing here and arguing. Plus, Jace was almost always willing to give in when Alec pushed; it would look suspicious if he didn’t do the same, this time. His parabatai probably wouldn’t overthink it, but that didn’t mean Jace wanted to take the risk. “Okay, okay – sue me for wanting you to get some actual rest,” Jace said dryly, and shook his head. “Let’s go and get it over with, then.” 

       It was probably nothing, Jace insisted to himself as he and Alec headed out into the street. There was no reason to be this tense just because they were going out on this mission together; they had done this a thousand times before, and Alec had never suspected anything, not even when their parabatai bonds had made it hard to hide anything. “Where are we headed, again?” he asked Alec, more to fill the silence than because he had actually forgotten. Letting the taller man take the lead made it easier; Jace needed to focus on keeping himself together, not the mission. If this was a sign from Valentine, if this was the night that Jace was going to come face to face with his father – 

       No. That was exactly the way he wasn’t supposed to be thinking with Alec standing right at his side. Mismatched eyes slid to Alec, making sure he hadn’t let any of his anxiety leak through their bond, or in his expression. It was nothing. Alec was going to be safe; Jace would make sure of it. And if anything in this world was fair, he wouldn’t find out that his parabatai had been a traitor lurking in their midst, all of this time. The mere thought of that getting out was enough to turn the blonde cold. What would Alec think of him then? Would he give him a chance to explain? Surely, there was enough trust and affection between them – surely he would? 

     Something moved in the alley to their right, interrupting his panicked thoughts, and Jace reached for his seraph blade, letting the power in him light the metal. “Something’s there,” he muttered to Alec, though he was sure his parabatai had sensed it, too. “Are we persuing, or waiting for it to come to us?” Because if it was a demon, it certainly would. Creatures from Edom couldn’t resist the pull of their angelic blood. 

Hazel eyes fluttered before rolling dramatically at the other.  Yes, they looked out for each other as both of them were prone to pushing themselves past the limit.  Both of them were good at pushing past the pain, pushing past exhaustion, but really they could only go so far.  Neither were willing to admit it, and that’s when the other would step in.  And of course they’d try to brush each other off, but Alec knew he was more willing to listen if Jace noticed the lag in his step as well.  And Jace, well he was always stubborn, but he liked to believe that he had a decent amount of sway with the other.

“First logical thing you said all night,” Alec commented as he gave his parabatai a pat on the shoulder.  Alec took the lead, taking them to the streets to get a better bearing of their location.  “Abandoned factory along the river.”  Luke had given them a tip about some strange activity that the NYPD wouldn’t be quite equipped for.  The wolf figured it was probably nothing, hadn’t found anything when he went to check it out himself, but others had seen things in passing.  They had definitely been called out to investigate with less.

Alec led the way through the streets of New York, glancing back at his parabatai every now and then, the blonde oddly silent.  More than ten years, they’d known each other, and for about half that, they’d been parabatai, so Alec prided himself in knowing the man fairly well.  And right now, really since Clary had emerged, the blonde had been acting strange.  Alec couldn’t quite put his finger on it, only felt rifts in their bond for fleeting moments but there was something off.  It made him wonder if maybe his feelings for the other had been discovered and Jace was just pulling away?  Or maybe it was just the added stress Clary hhad brought to the Institute?  It could have been a plethora of things and Alec just didn’t know how to talk about it, didn’t know when the appropriate time would be, feared that his concern would just be brushed off and nothing would change.

Magnus expected more of an argument. Expected Alec to pull away entirely and was already missing the comforting weight of him when he actually complied. He lay back and then turned towards Magnus and as his head came to rest on Magnus’s shoulder and his arm rested across his chest Magnus let out a deep breath. He settled deeper into the bed and let his arms tighten around Alec.

How did one explain emotions as complicated as what lay between them?

“Yes, I miss the man you were and the love we had. I miss our inside jokes and the memories we shared.” It was the truth. He ached for all those things. “But you, your soul, the very heart of who you are, is still there. And the person you are now, different as it sometimes is, is important to me. There are things about you as you are right now that I would miss if you were suddenly who you had been.”

His fingers ran over the arm across his chest, slow and gentle. He’d missed touching him. It was addicting to be allowed to even a little. His thumb moved across warm skin and he turned his head to nose into Alec’s soft, dark hair.

“My hope is not to regain who you were, my hope is that you will remember both… lives you have lived. I think there are things you would miss if you knew to miss them and I want to see you remember those things. But I don’t want who you are now to vanish completely.” He sighed into his hair. “It’s very hard to explain and too easy for you to misunderstand. But… Alexander… I do love you. This, you. You exactly as you are.”

Alec stayed silent while the man talked, listened to everything he had to say.  A dull pain ached within his chest, though it was nothing like before, not like the same piercing feeling he’d experienced after the dream.  This was different, more like guilt than anything.  He did feel it to a certain extent, felt guilty about insinuating so quickly.  Not that his insecurities weren’t valid.  They were, but he could have expressed his feelings better, not just throwing accusations around.

Fingers curled into a loose fist on Magnus’ chest.  His eyes stung once more with new tears, but he blinked them back, pressed his lips together in a fine line to silence himself.  What did he ever do to deserve someone as special as Magnus, someone that cared so much even under the hardest of circumstances.

Magnus frowned, his hold loosening if not entirely letting him go. He’d done something. What could he have done? He’d just-

Oh.

He bit back a sigh, eyes closing tight, his chest heavy and aching. He was so tired of being in pain. So tired of hurting. Tired or pretending he didn’t feel everything he felt. That he didn’t love Alec, this Alec, the old Alec, any Alec. How could he possibly not? Yes, memories and experiences made a person, but in the depths of who they were… the very soul of a person… that didn’t change.

I’m a one soul at a time kind of guy, he’d told Dot once. And he’d meant it. In more than one way.

“You don’t know that,” he said, not moving away from Alec the way he normally might have. He was tired. And maybe it was the memory that Alec’s nightmare had dredged up, maybe it was the dark and the closeness… he didn’t know. But- “You don’t know what I mean, what I feel. You’ve been here for months, Alexander. Do you think I feel nothing for you? Do you think everything I do is for the man you were? That the man you are doesn’t mean anything at all to me?”

Did he really think Magnus couldn’t, wouldn’t, fall in love with who he was now. It was strange, yes, and sometimes it felt like a strange sort of betrayal. And if Alexander regained all of his memories, would it feel the same? He didn’t know. Alexander with all of his memories would still be an Alexander with these memories, wouldn’t it? It was all… confusing. And Magnus didn’t always like to think about it. But it didn’t change that his heart loved Alec.

“Will you please lay down?” he sighed. “You can keep arguing this with me, but it’s late and I’m tired and I’d at least like to be laying down and comfortable.”

Magnus wasn’t completely wrong.  Alec could only assume what the other felt, base his assumptions off the looks from the other, the moods, the change in temperament.  While the two of them were severely open about everything, had to be in order to make progress, they’d never really talked about feelings - not feelings in regards to each other anyway.  Conversations about feelings in the moment, feelings after a memory reared its head, those kind of feelings were talked about almost on a regular basis, but the topic revolving around them, they seemed to skirt over that just as frequently.

Maybe that needed to change.  Alec had been living with Magnus for several months, and a few months before that, had been getting regular visits from both Jace and Magnus.  Their time together, though being tumultuous, held significance, was meaningful.

Magnus wasn’t surprised by the answer. It was a common enough one. The memories, when they came, were always more than Alec could handle. He almost always needed a little time. A chance to calm down and breath. 

It wasn’t always easy for Magnus. 

But he couldn’t push any of this on Alec. So he nodded, shifting again so that he was lying down more than sitting up, still holding Alec to him. There was a heavy sort of exhaustion that hit him in times like this. He loved Alec. Not just who he had been, but this Alec, who was different but still… Alexander. And he would do anything for him. 

But it wasn’t easy.

“Of course, love,” he murmured, the soft pet name leaving his mouth without him thinking anything of it. “We can talk tomorrow. Just breath for now. Alright?”

Love.

The pet name gave him pause, had him resisting the pull of the other to lay down.  He would have and he wanted to, but that word, it resonated through, brought a new wave of pan through him.

Over the months trust had been built. It was of utmost importance to Magnus. It had been the foundation of what they had had before and he couldn’t imagine their going forward without it. Alec had been understandably wary at first, but Magnus had never been anything but honest.

Magnus sighed softly and pressed his cheek to the top of Alec’s head. It was so strangely familiar to be curled up like this. To hold him. It felt unfair to feel such comfort. 

“Every memory is important,” he said quietly. “Even the bad ones.” And this… was not a good one. “Is there anything else about it… your dream? Or… anything you want me to tell you?”

He wasn’t excited to talk about it, but he wasn’t just saying those words. Every memory was important. And this one… this one had been… an important thing between them. All that it had led to had tested and deepened their relationship. 

While he didn’t say anything about it, Alec took great comfort in their closeness, in the cheek pressed into his hair.  So much about this felt familiar and right, like they’d done this before though he really couldn’t recall any specific memories.  Sitting like this, it continued to calm Alec.  Tears were slowing to a stop, leaving him with a wet and sticky face.  

Alec frowned at the other’s words, knowing that he was right.  While perhaps some memories were more important and significant that others, they were all a part of him, a part of his past.  He couldn’t just disregard it because he didn’t want to feel the pain, or because the memory scared him.

But he could hit the pause button.

shadowedarcher‌:

Magnus’ stomach dropped as Alec finally fully explained what he had seen. What he had lived through in his nightmare. His body tensed for what he hoped was an imperceptible moment. He didn’t want to worry Alec. Not when he was still this upset. 

“It’s alright,” he said again. “I’m right here.”

Which wasn’t a lie, but didn’t explain the truth of it, either. He didn’t keep things from Alec. As hard as it could often be, he strove to be honest and to answer every question that Alec had. It felt like the only way to get back the man he loved. The only way to let Alec see that love. 

But that didn’t make it easy.

But this particular memory? And it had to be the one he was remembering himself… it was painful even many years after the fact. 

“I didn’t die,” he said again. “But I think… that this might be a memory, trying to surface.” He said the words quietly and carefully, hands running over Alec, still trying to offer comfort. 

Alec trusted no one more than he trusted Magnus.  The warlock had been a complete open book from the very moment they met, hesitant in what he answered, but always honest.  So when he felt the man tense briefly, he knew he had nothing to fear, knew that the other would fill him in.  This, knowing that he could be open with the other and that it would be returned in kind, this is what made the whole situation easier.  There was less to stress about when there were no secrets between them.

So much fire.

It wasn’t a surprise to him that the immediate memory was that night. The night he’d gone to Edom to find a way to save Jace. To stop Lilith. It had been nearly a lifetime ago, but he remembered well. One didn’t forget the day one gave up the very core of who and what they were. Even now he didn’t like to think of those days without his magic.

Worse was to remember begging Asmodeus to take it again if only he would find Alec for him. 

All the time that Alec had been gone, Magnus would have given it up again a hundred times. 

But he doubted that was what Alec was talking about. Yes, his dreams had proved helpful in returning some memories. Small things. But this… he couldn’t imagine it was a memory. Was it?

“I never died,” Magnus assured him. “It was a nightmare.” You were trapped. No. It had to have just been a nightmare. “Is there more?” Without thinking his lips pressed to the top of Alec’s head and he shifted so that he could lay back against the head of his bed, bringing Alec with him, not willing to let him go. “You don’t have to tell me. We can just lay here.”

Alec allowed himself to be moved, followed the other.  He appreciated that the other was okay with this, with holding him and making sure that he was okay.  When Magnus sat back against the bed, Alec shifted so he was more comfortable against the other, and so that the other would be more comfortable as well.  

I never died.  Something had Alec expecting more to the story, as Magnus didn’t deny that there was a fire.  While he hadn’t told the other about his other nightmares, all his other dreams had something to do with memories, with past events of his life.  Nightmare or not, could this also?

I’m difficult.

Magnus frowned. What on earth… what did he meant by that? The situation was difficult and emotionally draining, but that was hardly Alec’s fault, was it? And he was sure, he knew, the same could be said about him. He knew he was a lot to get used to. 

Strong fingers dug into his back as Alec seemed to try to cling tighter. Magnus held him tighter, stopped rubbing his back in favor of just clinging in return. And Alec’s next words made no sense to him. None of this did. It had to have been a dream. A nightmare. 

“I promise you I’m very much alive,” he said softly. “Was it a nightmare, Alexander? It’s just a dream.” It’s not okay. I’m not… “Talk to me, please. I’m here, Alexander, just talk to me.”

It wasn’t like Alec didn’t want to keep Magnus in the loop.  Really, he didn’t want to talk about it at all, but he also didn’t want to keep the person that was helping him in the dark either.  The warlock was doing more than was required of him.  Really, the only thing he expected was help recovering memories, not the kindness or compassion and especially not a what he was doing now.  

Alec managed a nod, rested a head on the man’s shoulder while he tried to regain enough composure to speak without breaking down again and again.  He inhaled, taking in the man’s scent and relaxing into the warmth, the tight embrace.  

Magnus didn’t mind waiting for Alec to calm, although he wished he knew what had upset him so badly in the first place. His tears were wet and warm against his skin, making him all too aware of his lack of dress, making him wish he could have pulled a shirt on. But Alec didn’t seem uncomfortable and so he just kept holding him.

It seemed as if every time the other man calmed down he got himself riled up again. 

“Sorry?” he said, surprised and confused. “About…? I assure you I don’t mind the interruption.” 

He did not let him go, not until Alec signaled that he no longer wanted to be held. His hand kept moving over his back, pushing up his neck to finger through dark hair before trailing back down again. 

“It’s alright, Alexander.”

"I’m difficult,” he answered.  Because yes, he was apologetic about waking the other up in the middle of the night, especially when the warlock had not been getting much sleep as of late.  Alec was sorry for a lot more, though.  Sometimes he felt that his presence just made things more difficult for Magnus, put him between a rock and a hard place.  That was the last thing he wanted, especially for someone so kind and genuine. Now that he got a taste, though, losing the other scared him more than anything ever could, or did.  

This closeness... was it wrong to never want the man to let him go?

Magnus had seen Alec upset, seen him cry, even.There was a lot of emotion to learning you weren’t who you thought you were, to learning you’d had an entire life before.

But this was different. 

And certainly the last thing he would have expected was for Alec to all but throw himself into his arms, pushing close, clinging. He held tight enough that Magnus’ air left Magnus in a soft huff. But he didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Alec in turn, to hold him as tight. Rarely did he ever turn down a chance to touch him. As painful as it could be, being so close to something he so desperately missed, but still being so far… he couldn’t turn down the chance. Not even now.

The magic light softened, dimmed. 

“Oh, Alexander,” he murmured, pressing his cheek to Alec’s head, not sure what to do or how to help. Alec could be… prickly… “Whatever happened, it’s okay.”

Had he had a nightmare? That seemed the most obvious conclusion. Magnus knew he had them, knew he tried so hard to hide them. Magnus was sure they happened more often than even he could discern. But nothing had left Alexander in such a state. He rubbed a hand up and down his back, slow and careful, trying to comfort him. 

The tight arms around him comforted him almost as much as the smell of the other, cementing him further into the reality that Magnus was indeed okay.  The nightmare, though, was still fresh in his mind, kept the tears flowing down his cheeks and falling hot onto Magnus’ skin.  The warlock held him so tight, so close, he could feel light beating of the other’s heart against his own chest.  It took a minute for him to focus on that, for him to concentrate on that soft beating and the gentle strokes to his back.

Slowly, the shaking stopped and sobs turned to sniffles as tears rolled down his cheeks.  He wanted very much to stop crying, to be able to communicate with the other, but every time he thought of what caused it, he could picture the burning man clear as day, could hear those cries still ringing in his ears.  It all served to rile him up again, have him push further into Magnus, reconcentrate to calm himself.

Some days all Magnus could do was remind himself that at least Alec was here. He hadn’t run. He wasn’t fighting against it. He was here, where Magnus could keep an eye on him. Where he could help him when and if memories did come.

It was slow. Progress came one small step at a time. If it came at all. 

But they had forever, it seemed. Alec’s immortality, while still inexplicable, was still a fact. Magnus wasn’t always sure how he felt about that but he often leaned towards a twisted and muted sort of joy. Alec wouldn’t die. They had time. 

He didn’t really stop to think about how it affected himself. The way it cut into his ability to sleep, how it distracted him from eating sometimes, kept his attention from his work. But he didn’t care. All he wanted was for Alec to remember and to feel safe. 

But this week had been long and trying, and for once sleep had snuck up on him. He’d fallen asleep twice working on a potion  before he finally made himself go to bed. For once he’d fallen asleep with no issue. 

To be awoken to the bed dipping and a pained noise meeting his ears. He sat up, breathing hard, eyes flashing gold and a hand lifting to shine soft blue light across the bed. He blinked once, twice, and then realized who it was, though that only left him more confused.

“Alexander?” he murmured sleepily. “What’s- what- Alexander, are you okay?”

Without thought he reached out, fingers wiping at the tears streaming down his cheeks. Why on earth was he crying? What had happened? Was he hurt? 

“Are you hurt?”

The glowing light, the swiftness of the movement didn’t scare him like it might have other times.  Magic, while he had more or less gotten used to it from Magnus, still sometimes triggered him.  Alec was already so rattled though, his mind completely not focused on the magic, but instead on confirming the identity of the figure.  

Dark eyes squinted at the light, even soft it hurt his bleary eyes.  But that voice, that figure through the tears, he knew it was in fact Magnus.  Those warm hands on his face, those thumbs brushing over his cheeks at his tears, it all confirmed it was real.  This was real, not the smell from when he’d woken up, on the burns on his hand from the dream - that’s all they were.  This was real, and Magnus was fine, and Alec didn’t know why the dream hurt so bad, why he felt so relieved in this moment, but also so frustrated and scared. He’d never felt this way, not since waking up in the alley.

Alec still didn’t remember, not really, not with that vivid recall that people normally had.  Even with having lived under Magnus’ roof for the past few months, recovery had been slow.  But, he supposed it was still progress.  Or at least the warlock seemed to think so.  Memories came to him, but were more or less dreams, felt as though they were dreams.  Everything was hazy, like it happened to someone else and not to him. 

Dreams came so often since his move - vivid and broken, confusing and hard to piece together.  Magnus had given him a new dream journal and an easy to reach lamp so he could write out his dreams before they disappeared, helped with deciphering the mess, throwing out stories to see if any stuck.  Sometimes they did, other times, it went right over Alec’s head.

While dream increased too, so did nightmares.  Those, he didn’t share so openly.  Magnus was already a worried mess, and so kind to be pulling out all the stops to help him despite the emotional toll it was taking on the man.  No, he kept the nightmares to himself, kept them out of the notebook and just told Magnus it was a dreamless night.  Most of them hadn’t been that bad anyway.  Just waking up in a cold sweat with ragged breaths, or jolting upright in bed and having an uneasy feeling for the remainder of the night.  Nothing intense - usually just snake eyes, the feeling of being restricted or restrained.

But not that night.  He felt a fire with heat so intense, he could feel it even at a distance.  Screams had his ears ringing, burning flesh making his stomach churn.  Then he saw it - Magnus Bane in circle of flames, flames growing higher and brighter, and Alec tried.  He tried to move closer, reaching out to help even when the flames burnt his own hand, but nothing made a difference and he saw the man wither away until nothing.  And then the flames jumped out at him.

It was the first time Alec woke with a cry, with a feeling of dread and angst that had him shaking, tears rolling down his face.  His skin still felt warm, his hand feeling as though it had been held over an open flame.  And it made him think of Magnus, made his stomach flip as memories of flame and burning flesh overwhelmed him.  Had it been real?  

Unsteadily, he got out of bed and traversed down the hallway to find an empty study.  It was late, but it never seemed to matter.  The warlock seemed glued to the room, and not seeing him there had him shaking even more.  But there was still one more room to check.  The lights were out, so maybe the other had gone to bed.