Written On My Heart

Reminding myself today that

A) it is normal to feel overwhelmed amidst expecting a baby, planning a wedding, and searching for a new job.

At my new church, the first message I heard the pastor preach about was the idea of scarcity. Operating, in our culture, day, and age, from a perspective of not having enough, rather than from a view of abundance.

He preached about how we, Christians or not Christian, live as though we don't have enough money, time, and energy. Despite the fact that we get gifts from God constantly, every day--in nature, in people around us, every little thing. He said he thinks that Jesus would say that we CAN operate from a perspective of abundance, that we have enough to give, that we can have faith that we will be provided for, because even the sparrows are taken care of, and how much more worthy are we than little birds of the earth.

This message really touched my heart. Something I realize about myself over the years is that when I am feeling the most stressed or time-ridden, that is when I need to STOP and take a moment, get the dark feelings of scarcity out on paper and let myself just BE for a minute. It is when I think I need to run around and get everything done all at once that I need to reset my brain and heart and mind.

Also, I realize over the years that when I have had an abundance of time,  I worry that time will run out too soon and eventually I'll be spreading myself too thin. When I truly am stretched for time, I complain about my lack of time.

To me, time is vastly important. I don't want to miss a thing. I want to spend time with my family and friends that I know is valuable, but I also want to work hard to achieve my own personal goals. I want to be as prepared as possible for the next phases of my life, whether that be working at a career, motherhood, taking college classes, etc. But God tells me I have enough time. I have an abundance.

Added to that, even without my savings that I measure and calculate and hope will last til this-and-this-date, he tells me I have enough money. I have energy and I have gifts to give to the world, even if it feels small, like skills or character qualities to lend over to others.

Maybe I don’t tell you this enough,

or maybe you already know

but I’ve got a new definition of love

I thought I’d read to you:

Love is when I dry your stinky wet shoes

because you asked me to

and when I organize your stash of receipts and to do’s

without your request.

Love is when you do my laundry

as I’m just waking and getting into my day

or when you collect your paycheck from the week

to buy us dinner out.

Love is in the daily actions

The tasks seen and unnoticed

Sometimes thanked for, sometimes neglected

but felt with each course of the lover’s hands.

So thank you, my love, today

for all you did before and still do

and for being so lovable

Have you ever woken up, feeling a little out of sorts, somehow off?

This morning I woke up a bit aware of this put-off-ness, and it was not until I basically went off on the Comcast guy for having to call them a 6th day in a row for my Internet to work properly, that I realized I need to take a moment and just sit, reflect.

It always seems to be in the mundane moments or mistakes we make when we are cognizant of the fact that breathing, slowly, in a still silence, is essential. Just being aware of our thoughts.

Maybe it's the hormones from the pregnancy, or being cranky from needing more sleep these days, or maybe it's just the sense that I feel like so much needs to be done so quickly, lately.

It's not a stressful kind of busy -- it's an exciting one, but at the same time, I realize anxiety does exist in this place of anticipation for the wedding and our baby's birth.

Because I think, in some hidden corner of my heart, I want things to be just right. Just perfect. But I am only human, and my baby girl will be human. We are not going to always have it easy. Right now is when I really need to find my center, my peace and calm, not the time when I should be frenetically searching to make sure everything gets done.

Yes, I need to find a pediatrician and eventually set up the nursery and find our baby healthcare and I can't imagine not going back to a full-time job as soon as possible. We have a wedding to plan and the creation of a will and a million other things I knew I'd have to think of but also never thought I'd have to think of until the day I became a parent or a "successful" adult.

However, God has His timing. And in the urgency to carry through with "my" plans, I need to remember and consider the fact that he is watching over me, ready to guide me, whenever I'm willing to listen.

Even in the midst of my mistakes, I know He is there, there's a reason for all of this, and in the end He will see me through--it will not be my time table, or T and I's human schedule of dates and figures and calculations that will see us through. He will be the light at the end of this new, unforeseen, joyful but unclear, tunnel.

As I spend the last night in my apartment, I look into the light of the kitchen, looking back at its simple white drawers and black countertops. I smile reminiscing about the lemon Anthropologie hand towel and turquoise Target towel I so meticulously picked out, thinking it brightened up the kitchen in just the way I wanted it to.

Living in a one bedroom, I decked out everything the way I imagined for just myself. My cat Quinn curls up to my leg beside a packed liquor store box as I write this, like she's remembering, too. Back when this place was not yet my place, but developed into a solid footing, a hidden sanctuary after months of time. It was my tiny enclave of an escape, finally a thing I labeled just for me, and it's funny that now after a year I leave it so differently.

T sleeps in the bedroom quietly, my once boyfriend-turned-fiance, the soon-to-be Daddy to our baby girl. I'm awake like I've been some nights lately, awoken from slumber by a mix of excited anticipation and nerves, and the occasional odd craving like I have tonight, getting up for a grilled cheese and juice (you really, really have got to love pregnancy's eccentricity).

So, goodbye old apartment. Place where I suppose you can say I was last "just me."

But then again, even with all this fast change, maybe the people that will be there and shape so much of your future are the ones that have been there all along. Just waiting, somewhere quietly, somewhere else and on their way. In another small apartment, some place across town.

It's been a while since I've written on here. I've been writing a lot for an online and print magazine, fulfilling a lifelong dream! It's been awesome and despite it being unpaid freelance, I truly don't mind. It just gives me the opportunity to write on a regular basis and get experience in; get my writing out there.

Anywho, this morning I wake later than usual, having gotten up in the middle of the night restlessly, looking up more things to know and prep for baby in December. It's not a stressful thing but this interesting ache to want to get things done faster, quicker, as soon as possible. Sometimes I wonder if it's silly but I guess it's a positive anxiousness--especially with planning a wedding as well, it's good to be a plan-aheader. And as life-altering and scary as a new baby can seem at times, I know that it is a blessing. No part of me could ever regret what is and is to come.

Before I go to work I thought it'd be helpful to reflect. One thing keeping me motivated lately is remembering with all the baby preparations to also take time for myself, doing things I enjoy, because in a few months it will be (harder) to come to a place of center and feel okay being selfish. Just things like reading a book or taking a long bath or painting for the heck of it.

Reflections:

A. Get done what you can, when you can.

B. Remember LOVE is the center of all things, and God is LOVE.

C. At the end of the day, you've done what you can do; the rest of it is learning along the way.

D. Trust in the process and faith of things coming one at a time.

E. Pray for those facing war, poverty, persecution, illness, and grief.

1. You literally dreamed about food last night.

2. You find tears shedding from your eyes because you're A) too hungry, B) too hot/uncomfortable, C) some other trivial circumstance, and D) your spouse looks at you with doe eyes in sympathy when they realize you're not kidding, this situation is serious.

3. You lose track of how many times you use the bathroom in 24 hours.

4. You start rubbing your belly (There's actually a reason pregnant women do this, isn't there? Whenever you're bloated, it's as therapeutic as a back massage!)

...or asking for belly rubs, like Winnie the Pooh, or something.

I've never done things the same as everyone else. When you're younger, this scares you. What makes you different isolates you and labels you an outcast, or a loner. Your job as a teen seems to be to blend in as "uniquely" as possible.

As I grew older, however, doing things differently is was what freed me, released me from the limits my traditional, immigrant parents had placed over my head. Doing things differently satisfied me because it showed that I indeed choose the life I want.

And so I moved out the second I could. I traveled alone to a personal dream spot. I taught English overseas. I worked in 2 of the most shamed cities of this state. I pursue publishing work and could see myself going back to school one day, to finally make my mark in books.

I belong with my sisters and fam, but I never felt quite like one in the same. I would be the one to settle in a surprising new town, or live alone, or change careers. And today, I am the youngest daughter and the first who will have a child (just give me 5 more months).

Tainted love,

your love was so tainted

with every twisted word you said

and every exception to what's right.

Your every justification of your wrongdoings

was a jabbing knife to my innocent heart.

Tainted love,

it was just perfectly white, pristine paint

on a crisp backdrop of the future

I saw in a house together

a wedding ring that shines like a diamond

the kind of love you couldn't break--

but you smashed it

like a mirror of things that I couldn't see

in fogged glass.

It was tainted,

You were my most used,

once favorite

drug

Had to kick the habit

Previously addicted

and now I'm just a social user.

At times you were a temporary fix

but I replaced the unhealthy habit

the pattern of misbehavior

with true love

til it turned out

Bittersweet: the contradiction

Life is a constant state of gaining and losing

The loss of a job

When you switch jobs

Wishing you could do it all,

being every place at once

Bittersweet: like winter fading and spring arriving

But would it be fully sweet if winter never returned again?

If you never had Christmas, a blanket of white

Bittersweet: is growing up

Is having the answers but forgetting how you got there

Is having so much after having so little,

then finding yourself losing, again

We lose so that we will win

and we win so that we will lose

Streams of cars

lined up like Christmas lights

Breaks stop red, on one end,

highway go-white, on the other

My parents ask me if I can make it back in the snow okay.

I don't know where you are

I doubt you're driving, too

I just know that I thought I'd be spending the holidays

close to you

but the beauty of the night

of the small city is thrilling

and I know, somehow, I'll make it home

"Sticky"

This boy at the party

Asked me what I do for a living.

I said I teach basic skills

He said I went to that school.

  As I marveled in what a small world we share,

He went on to say, “isn’t that for dumb kids?”

I said no and he said sorry.

  He proceeded to stick his tongue down a girl’s throat,

and I wondered why we make it so far

thinking it’s okay

Found this gem from almost a year ago. Wrote it for our pep rally in Harlem. Good times:

  "A City Invincible" Chant

1 We saw from a distance

2 a city invincible

3 to the attacks of the earth.

4 With men of action,

5 a city of friends

6 where robust love is king.

7 They said we were dreaming. (PAUSE)

  8 Who are we and what do we do?

9 We move beyond classroom walls

10 We work where our minds take us

11 We work so you CAN’T break us.

  12 Who are we and what do we want?

13 To change the face of Camden

14 We’ll change the names you call us

15 From criminals to scholars.

  16 Who are we and what do we see?

17 Lines divided will form one whole

18 We live everything by our DREAM

19 Our community is our team

  20 (Extra LOUD AND PROUD) TELL us who we are?

21 We’ll SHOW you who we are!

  22 We are the…

23 Freedom Fighters!

  24 We are the…

25 Fire lighters!

  26 We are the…

27 Movers and shakers!

  28 We are the…

29 Boundary breakers!

  30 We’ll show you who we are

31 A city invincible!!

  32 We’ll show you who we are