all i want, is what you got

What it really is, is Vi wanting all of her loved ones to be safe and get along, knowing very well that they do not.

Vi trusts Jinx to prioritize saving Vander over killing Caitlyn, which is very obvious because Vi already knows that Jinx's goal was never to kill Caitlyn. As much harm as Jinx has caused to Caitlyn (both directly and indirectly), it was actually, genuinely, never about Caitlyn herself, more about who Caitlyn represented in Jinx's eyes, the person Vi had replaced Jinx with. Also, killing Cassandra was never personal, no matter how it felt.

Vi trusts Caitlyn to help save Vander. If she didn't, she wouldn't have told Caitlyn about Vander in the first place. Vi values her loved ones above all else. There is no way in hell she would have said 'my dad' to someone she did not fully trust. I don't know how to emphasize this more, but if Vi did not trust Caitlyn, she would not have told Caitlyn about Vander and would not have worked together with Caitlyn.

What Vi does not trust, is Caitlyn not balking at the involvement of Jinx. Which, again, is extremely valid on both sides. Vi knows that Caitlyn reacts poorly to Jinx, and Caitlyn has no reason, especially at that juncture, to trust Jinx. (And before anyone comes in saying 'Caitlyn wants to kill Jinx', I contend that it's frankly quite up in the air, considering Vi was the one who said 'take the shot' before they went into the temple, and Caitlyn's gun was pointed at Isha's gun, not at Jinx during the whole pre-breakup kerfuffle.)

Additionally, given how Vi and Jinx reunited with Jinx's face in the mirror and them essentially having to fight it out before figuring out where they stand in their priorities, something that Caitlyn and Jinx had not yet had at this point in the show, it is a pretty reasonable assumption that Caitlyn still hates Jinx and that they're not going to get along.

Also, Jinx wasn't meant to be visible at all. She was there as a backup, a contingency plan, because the thing that matters the most to Vi in this situation, the thing that is diciest, is saving Vander. Vi is already convinced that Caitlyn is going to help.

But Vi's also smart enough to cover her bases. She knows they are outnumbered. She wants to use all the resources she trusts to their full capability. That's why her narration was actually to Jinx, "You're not going to like this", with the implication that they're both focusing less on what they're not going to like (Jinx also has no reason to trust Caitlyn will do anything to help Vander because Jinx doesn't know Caitlyn at all, actually, unlike Vi) and more on what the final goal is.

Jinx needed to know. Caitlyn didn't. If everything had gone off perfectly, Caitlyn would have saved Vander and Jinx would have just watched it happen without needing to appear at all.

So that's why Vi didn't tell Caitlyn about Jinx. Because she doesn't trust that Caitlyn can be normal about Jinx, and not that she doesn't trust Caitlyn to help with only the singular most important thing in her life right now, saving Vander.

Side(?)note that I think people have also a tendency to point out that Vi charged in mad to confront Caitlyn about Jinx after waking up, using that as proof that Vi hadn't trusted Caitlyn this whole time. However, I contend that if Vi had truly distrusted Caitlyn this whole time, there wouldn't have been so much of an outburst because it would have been expected. Instead, what Vi's expectation was, was that after Jinx saved Caitlyn, that they could begin to mend these bridges between the people she loves.

********

“Speak earth and bless me with what is richest

make sky flow honey out of my hips

rigis mountains

spread over a valley

carved out by the mouth of rain.”

Audre Lorde, from Love Poem

********

4th January, 2026

It is a bright sunny day, with robins chirping and singing harmoniously outside the window. You wake up, gently put away Caitlyn’s arm from your abdomen so you will not disturb her, and lightly stretch your arms and legs accompanied by a bit of muscle pain from yesterday’s vigorous activities with— oh.

Yes, you are now Caitlyn’s girlfriend.

*****

It is the greatest gift from Earth that the most beautiful, gorgeous, handsome woman is in love with you. You cannot really explain it with words, but you certainly know that you and her are attracted to each other with electrifying chemistry.

From one hangout right after the Mid-Autumn Festival, to another, with affectionate physical touch such as you leaning on Caitlyn’s shoulder (She is so tall, how can you blame yourself !) and her caressing your hand softly, so softly hinting that she never wanted to let you go; to eventually, a date in a quiet pier in early November, to you timidly confessing your feelings to her asking if she could be your girlfriend, to her tenderly lifting your chin and gently kissing your lips then all over your face whispering “I love you, I love you, I love you darling.” while the tides came and went calmly.

The sea was tranquil, but you and Caitlyn were definitely drowned in passion along with your hearts beating and souls rejoicing in synchronicity.

It was the most magical day of your life. You never believed in fairytales, but Caitlyn is the dashing knight who alleviates you from your jaded, cynical mindset.

Caitlyn and you have become inseparable girlfriends since then, and during the long Christmas break she invites you to stay at her house with her parents. You were nervous at first, but luckily you felt at ease shortly after, with her mother’s dry Ionian sense of humour, along with her father’s welcoming presence. Without a doubt, they approve of you for being their only daughter’s girlfriend, especially with your politeness and helpfulness to wash the dishes after every dinner.

Besides, her parents can see the way you shower Caitlyn with endearment and meticulousness, alongside the way she looks incredibly smitten with you. After all, she is their precious daughter.

*****

You sit straight on the bed, admiring Caitlyn’s naked, chiselled back that you believe is a blessing from the gods. There is a sense of vulnerability from her sleeping position, but you know that she trusts you, sharing mutual happiness, laughter, but also tears of your occasional homesickness and external pressures as a Kiramman that causes Caitlyn sobbing on your shoulder, murmuring “What if I am not good enough ?” to you.

You embrace her, stroking her navy hair, patting her back, fully understanding that she does not need any consolation, any flowery words to reassure her. You know that all she needs is your presence and accompaniment.

*****

When you are with Caitlyn, she is the muse who gives you vibrant colours, a spectrum of light and melodies into your life. Never in a day would she fail to make you smile.

*****

You observe Caitlyn, your beloved, who is sleeping peacefully without a single frown on her face. Perhaps she is rewinding the moment from yesterday, of her worshipping you, kissing every inch, every curve of your body. Her slender fingers touching and stroking places where she knew you would gasp and chant her name like a sacred prayer.

You especially anticipate her voracious habit of nibbling on your breasts; her carefully and thoroughly leaving hickeys on your inner thighs. Every whine, every sound of approval you make is the melodious, pleasant symphony to her ears and sweet honey on her tongue.

You especially relish the fact that except for Caitlyn, no one can see the love bites on your skin that are solely crafted by her affections towards you.

You have never liked your body that much, but she reassures you that you are loved despite your obvious imperfections; and you should see the beauty in yourself the same way you admire her.

You can never forget the adoring moment when she followed the trails on your cheeks, kissed your tears of joy and relief when you first became intimate with her, together with the intense euphoria she gifted you that it felt so cathartic to be seen, to be understood, and most importantly— to be cherished.

The way she says “Let me take care of you, darling.” never fails to make you feel elated and at ease. Her soft, soothing, yet deep and grounded voice is the feeling of home, the shield against the inner critic inside your head, yelling at you that you are not experienced nor reactive enough for her.

To you, she is also your altar, your shrine that you want to dedicate your life to, to worship no other entity except for Caitlyn, your one and only goddess on Earth.

You hope to worship her tonight once you have her permission. You thrive in her divinity, and you wish to consume and be consumed by her and her only.

*****

As time is running by, you slowly get out of the bed and go to the en-suite bathroom wearing your wireless headphones, playing your favourite song over and over again. The outro never ceases to amaze you every time you hear it, with a mixture of choral, heavenly echoes, evocative lyrics combined together. It makes you wonder: does loving someone feel this way ? No matter what, would you desperately find a way to get back with your romantic soulmate ? Even if it is just for a minute or two ? Even if it wrecks your heart ?

The answer is always yes. You have never doubted nor denied your devotion to her.

You are Caitlyn’s most devoted believer.

*****

Right after you step out of the bathroom, you see Caitlyn waking up, looking at you filled with unspoken fondness and warmth. You rush to her, hugging her and say “Happy Birthday, love. Oh ! Here’s your bathrobe. Please don’t catch a cold in this freezing weather.” Caitlyn chuckles, grinning softly at you, and gives you a quick peck on your lips. “Thank you my darling, I cannot wait to spend the rest of the day with you.” she declares playfully, pressing her lips to yours one more time because she is insatiably, utterly in love with you and only you.

Of course, you kiss her back with fervour every time she initiates. And she does the same to you, with the exact way that missing puzzle pieces slot together as one.

It is your first time to plan a birthday itinerary for a loved one, so you cannot help but feel anxious. You shyly suggest, “Cait, um, can I take you out to the Ionian restaurant we ate on our first official date for lunch ? I know you love the stir-fried beef rice noodles and coffee milk tea there. Then, we can go to the Ionian supermarket nearby to buy your favourite egg tarts, also my treat of course, before we have dinner with your parents. Is that okay with you?” Caitlyn nods her head and agrees excitedly, caressing your cheeks, further teasing you. “Oh sweetheart, I adore the way you are so thoughtful of me and how shy you are right now. Don’t be shy.”

Caitlyn loves when you blush furiously because of her, and she could never get tired of looking at your bashful expressions.

*****

Before Caitlyn goes to the bathroom, you gently hold her hand, cooing, “Cait ?”

She looks at you with her bright blue eyes, “Yes, darling ?”

「我愛你。」 (I love you.)

She leaps towards you, cuddling and kissing you breathless, before proclaiming—

「我都好愛你呀。」 (I love you very much too.)

**********

It is your first time being alone in the Mid-Autumn Festival, an important festival for the Ionians to create the biggest, brightest full moon of each year. You are supposed to take part in an event that brings people together, with neighbours basking in the moonlight and relatives enjoying Ionian cuisines together.

However, you are alone in Piltover, in the kitchen of your student accommodation.

To you, yes, it is a blessing, a privilege to live abroad, and to experience the different cultures and customs of both countries. You have never doubted that. You choose to move to Piltover all by yourself, for educational purposes and a bright new life after you graduate. To break free from Ionia, your comfort zone.

But despite all of that, why can’t you shake away the feeling of homesickness ?

Too unmotivated to turn on the hob and cook your comfort meals that your mother taught you as so-called “necessary survival skills”, you resort to making 雞肉味合味道cup noodles instead. A chicken flavoured one. It is still your favourite from Ionia.

You want to call your parents, to rant about the hollowness inside your heart, but there is a huge time difference between Piltover and Ionia. With 8 hours behind Ionia, they must have been sleeping.

You decide not to disturb them. Think ! Focus on what you have. Be grateful for all the opportunities ! You tell yourself. From all the overwhelming and contradictory emotions merged into your head, you burst into tears.

Five minutes have passed, then ten. There’s an Ionian saying that「時間會沖淡一切」 (Time will wash away everything), but the void of isolation is still inside your heart. You used to use this phrase to comfort your friends when they had experienced disappointment. It’s until now that you have realised in certain circumstances how inappropriate and wrong it is. You cannot stop yourself from crying, from releasing all your burdens and anxiousness and fear in the kitchen right now. Oh, how you wish your parents were there by your side. As your elders said ｢家人是你最堅強的後盾」 (Family is your strongest support system). If that is true, you ask yourself, why did you decide to leave them in Ionia and move to Piltover all by yourself ? Why are you abandoning your family ? Aren’t they your strongest shield ? Your anchor ?

With this new emotion, this overwhelming force of guilt, it is impossible for you to stop crying. You turn on your phone camera and check your appearance. Wow. You look like a huge mess.

The chicken-flavoured cup noodles remain untouched, despite the savoury and appetising smell spreading over the kitchen.

Then, perhaps it is a call for help by the red string of fate, Caitlyn, your handsome, beautiful, elegant, yet mysterious flatmate comes in.

The first time you met Caitlyn in the flat two days ago, you felt an innate connection to her, consisting of the feeling that you have met her in your past life. The funny thing is: in your 18 years of life, you have never had this connection to an acquaintance, let alone someone you just met for a few days at all. It was a peculiar feeling, with a sense of excitement and hope that fate might have brought both of you closer. Thinking back, perhaps she is a sign of guidance for you to navigate the unfamiliar world of Piltover. You know that Ionians have tight-knit communities, looking out for each other despite having no blood relations.

Caitlyn intrigues you. She is Ionian living in Piltover. She makes Piltoverian cuisine on the first day, then Ionian for the next. Or a fusion of both. Yesterday, she made 火腿通粉 (macaroni soup with ham). It smelled great, just like home, the ones that you eat in a 茶餐廳 (cha chaan teng, means “tea restaurant”, which serves HK cuisine). You wanted to ask if you could take a bite but it seemed inappropriate. She switches from talking in Ionian to Piltoverian flawlessly , from the phone call to her mother with a heavy Ionian accent saying ｢阿媽！我識得照顧自己呀！唔使咁擔心我㗎！」 (Mother, I know how to take care of myself, you don’t need to worry about me that much !) ; to chatting with another flatmate with Piltoverian slang that you never understand at first. Hm, you make a dictionary in your head, with commonly used slang such as “cheers” means “thanks”, “daft” means “foolish”, and “dodgy” means “suspicious”. Which makes you wonder: how can she do that seamlessly ? Blending in both cultures ?

She also makes you wonder: can you adopt into Piltoverian society while not abandoning the one that you were born and raised in ?

Well, you might have a little crush on her. That’s why you’re curious. With the past encounters in these 2 days (whether you have interacted with her or merely an observer), you feel anticipated seeing her in the kitchen or in the corridor, just like a light bulb shining through the darkness.

“Hello.” Caitlyn greets you politely. “How’s your day been …? Oh.” She sees your red, puffy eyes. She looks at you with concern, slightly frowning, with her big, bright, blue eyes looking at you. It is not even intense nor intimidating, but you feel vulnerable, as you’re showing a moment of weakness to a not-so-familiar person. You just met her for 3 days ! Hurriedly, you wiped your tears away.

Caitlyn looks at you with even more concern expressed by her face. “Come.” She holds your hand, guiding you to the sofa. You follow her, not letting go of her hand, and sit right next to her. Rather closely, you think. A bit too close considering you have met her for 3 days only. And yet, her presence gives you safety, comfort, and the feeling of home.

You start to open up, with tears flowing down your cheeks. You confess in Ionian ｢我好掛住屋企我真係唔知我應唔應該繼續再留喺度。」 (I miss home so much and I really don’t know if I want to stay here anymore.) Caitlyn embraces you, whispering that she’s here, you’re not alone, patting your back and stroking your hair. She does not say anything, as she does not want to aggravate your pain. Despite her silence most of the time, you feel accompanied by her. And to you, the wall, the barrier between you and her has cracked open again. You feel secure in trusting her, knowing that she will not leave you in such a delicate emotional state.

Once your tears have subsided, you build up the courage to ask Caitlyn questions that you have always wanted to know the answers to. You ask shyly, about her identity, her past, her feelings of living in Piltover as an Ionian. She smiles at you, holding your hand, gently telling you to look at her, and then she opens her mouth and answers you.

“I was born and raised in Ionia in a matriarchal Ionian household. I moved to Piltover when I was 12, because my mother had to take over my late grandmother’s business in Piltover right after she passed away. During that time, I resented my mother a lot. I never wanted to leave Ionia, it was (and still is) my motherland and I didn’t want to leave my relatives, especially my dearest cousins from my father’s side away. I also deeply loved my school, my friends and everything. I was not ready to let go of everything at all.

I felt like a huge misfit when I came to Piltover. Despite being a diverse country, most of the people here looked different, dressed different, ate different things. I had to relearn Piltoverian, especially from the colloquial aspect of it. It was even way more difficult to buy Ionian ingredients to cook and find an authentic Ionian restaurant. I just missed Ionia, my safe and comfort place a lot.

For the first few weeks of settling down in Piltover, I blamed my mother for forcing me to leave almost everyone I loved, the memories I created in Ionia behind. My mother was incredibly busy with work and I couldn’t see her for some days. When I headed off to school, she was gone. During dinner time when the house chef and I cooked, she texted and called me that she would stay at the company for the rest of the night.

My mother also arranged homeschooling for me, she thought it was the best option for me. But as an only child who had busy parents (my father was still in Ionia at that time, it was me and my mother who came to Piltover first) and no friends in Piltover, it was even more difficult for me to make new friends there. I had a mobile phone at that time so I could video call and text my cousins whom I considered siblings, but it was never enough. There’s a time difference, and my cousins were sometimes busy with school. Besides, I’ve always loved to hug my closest ones, it’s a way to show my affection for them.

To show my dissatisfaction, I feigned illness for a week, then two. To me, it was the only excuse that seemed persuasive enough as if it’s the truth. At first, my mother was too occupied with her business to check my condition, then, the second week came and she wanted to talk to me because she felt that something was off.

My mother didn’t scold me for being “lazy” or “unmotivated” or “giving up on my future” as I expected her to say at that time. Instead, she just wanted to know why exactly I wanted to skip homeschooling. I think she as my mother knew me well enough that she was asking rhetorical questions to me. She just wanted to hear my side of the story. I remembered she was stressed as I could see hints of grey hair and she frowned way more often, but I, as a 12-year-old teenager, was too inconsiderate of her struggles with grief, work, responsibilities, and unfamiliarity. I broke down, and cried uncontrollably in front of my mother. However, despite my rage towards her, I loved her too much to disrespect her in any way. She is still my mother, after all.

I told her that I wanted to go home, back to Ionia, with everyone and everything I loved by my side. I felt like by moving to Piltover I had to abandon my Ionian identity, which I never wanted to happen. It felt like I had lost my sense of belonging. My culture, my upbringing, the feeling of family and togetherness.

At that time, my mother said something that was really unforgettable and I still remember it to this day. She told me that family is family and a physical separation does not mean you are abandoning them. The physical presence is nothing if there is no emotional connection between you and them. My mother also told me that even though I’m not in my home country anymore, I have a choice to uphold my Ionian heritage or not. Except for me, no one has the right to judge or determine whether I am “Ionian” enough. It all depends on how I choose to identify.

My mother listened to me about me being an outcast, and shortly after she enrolled me in a school of my own choice. I met a few Piltoverian-Ionian friends there, and they certainly helped me to adapt to Piltoverian culture. It was never easy, but at least I wasn’t alone in the process. During the last two years of high school, I was the President of Ionian Society. I organised a few cultural Ionian-related events within my school, and also with other schools scattered throughout Piltover. Luckily, they were all well-received. All I wanted to do was to help others just like I was helped in the past.

Since then, I have gone back to Ionia to visit family and friends twice a year, and I realise that I cherish the time spent with them more than anything. I love Ionia, I really do. As someone who’s always been a bit sentimental, I adore the place I call home that evokes a lot of nostalgia. My past, my childhood, my memories.

Now, I identify as both Ionian and Piltoverian. I was born and raised in Ionia for the first 11 years of my life, and even in Piltover I’m still being exposed to Ionian culture with my parents and my ways of living. Eventually, Ionia is the “home” of where my heart belongs. But, I can never forget the fact that I also have spent and thoroughly enjoyed a huge portion of my life in Piltover, and I might continue to spend my entire life here, who knows ?”

She paused, looking at you with concern. Then she continued:

「總之，我唔想睇住你咁寂寞。」

(All in all, I don’t want you to feel lonely.)

You blushed, too stunned to speak, you hug Caitlyn like you’re also squeezing her. You cannot thank her enough. You cannot express your gratitude with words, but you can still express it with touch. You know that Caitlyn loves physical touch, and you want to show her that you want your friendship with her to be one step closer. To further break the walls between you and her.

Caitlyn hugs you back, with her face brushing your shoulder. You feel your body temperature rising, with butterflies on your stomach.

Oh damn, maybe that is a bit too intimate. With also your stomach growling, Caitlyn breaks from the hug awkwardly, immediately changing the topic. “By the way, happy Mid-Autumn Festival. I’m afraid I’m not a big fan of mooncakes so I don’t have one for now. But do you mind joining me for dinner ? I’m going to make 蕃茄炒蛋飯 (tomato egg stir-fried rice). I’ll also make one for you if you want.” You nod meekly, whispering “Thank you, Caitlyn.” and she chuckles while heading to the kitchen to make dinner. Cute, you thought. Especially with her tooth gap.

While Caitlyn is cooking, you reflect on her words in silence. You can smell the aroma of spring onions, your favourite, mixed with 鑊氣 (wok hei, means breath of the wok. It is an aroma from stir-fried cooking in a wok pan) from the rest.

When Caitlyn almost finishes cooking, as someone who doesn’t cook this time, you help her prepare 2 bowls and 2 pairs of chopsticks on the table. You thought: It’s just 2 friends having dinner, no need 公筷 public chopsticks right ? Grinning, also understanding what you are thinking at the moment, Caitlyn says “We don’t need a third pair of chopsticks. Thank you, darling.” and you blush furiously, avoiding eye contact with her.

Your blushing face has (fortunately) ended, and you return to your normal self. After complimenting the scrumptious, rich, authentic taste of Caitlyn’s Ionian dish, you chat with her while having dinner, with her asking about your life in Ionia and you happily respond to her. You also know more about Caitlyn’s hobbies, with her talking about how she loves going to shooting range ever since she has moved to Piltover and she is nervous about her shooting competition next week. You decide that it is a great opportunity to tease her, by saying “Add oil, Caitlyn ! You can do this.” (Add oil, a direct translation of 加油, means “all the best”) She is startled at first, then chuckles “I can’t believe this is a thing in Ionia ! Add oil ? What if you tell this to someone who is cooking in, I don’t know, a frying pan ? Will they catch a fire or something if they pour so much oil onto it ?” You cackle with laughter, being very amused with Caitlyn and her adorable way of speaking.

You help wash the dishes, then offer to peel oranges you bought from yesterday for Caitlyn, thanking her for listening to your struggles. Caitlyn, knowing that it is basic Ionian etiquette, joyfully accepts your offer, confessing to you that “It is a huge culture shock to me that no one does these things in Piltover. And yet, this is something my mother encouraged me to do when I visit other Ionians here.” She also teaches you the other differences of Piltoverian and Ionian cultures when you both are eating the oranges together.

You love her deep, enchanting voice. I could listen to her reading my shopping list out loud and I’d thank her. You think to yourself. What a silly thought.

Right before you say goodbye to Caitlyn and head off to your room, she gently grabs your hand, and says “Hi, um, do you want to go to an Ionian supermarket with me tomorrow afternoon ? It’s in downtown where there’s a whole street with Ionian stores, restaurants etc. I’m sorry for the sudden notice but I just think you might like it. It reminds me, and the Ionians I know here of home.” With a lingering gaze, you say you’d love to go with her. And you can see her face lightening up, feeling elated for tomorrow.

「聽日見。」 (See you tomorrow) she whispers softly, with her beautiful blue eyes looking at you one last time before she closes her door.

**********

You are now back in your room, further reflecting on what has happened today.

You stare at the full moon, admiring how clear and complete it is, despite looking out from the window.

You know that it takes time to adjust from one culture to another, to embrace both cultures at once, but you have faith that you will get there soon.

You know that no matter what, you are still Ionian deep down in your soul.

You know that your family wishes you the very best when you move to Piltover from Ionia. With mutual love and support, they know you are always by their side and they are always with you. Just mentally not physically, but it is enough.

You know that home can be tangible but also intangible. It is a concept that makes you have a sense of belonging. To you, Ionia is your home. But Piltover could also be your second home in the near future. Maybe yes, maybe not.

You know that your future is uncertain, but filled with multiple possibilities and opportunities.

You know that every emotion, every thought requires processing. You cannot turn it on or off all of a sudden like an electric switch. It also cannot be “washed away”. This is not a healthy way to deal with it. At least to yourself.

You know that there will be days with waves of loneliness crashing down on you, but you know that this is 人之常情 (human nature).

You know that you are brave and resilient, taking the courage to step out of your comfort zone; moving to an unfamiliar country all by yourself.

You know that you have made a lovely new friend, and you cannot wait to see her tomorrow. And how the relationship develops as time goes on. She likes you a lot, just as much as you like her. Perhaps, she could be family to you.

After all, you know that tomorrow is just another day.