( y’all this is a long one- but trust me it’s worth it lol )
5 y/o Rosie ( in a strangers car ): You said my dads where at the hospital?
Kidnapper: Oh, yeah-… he was in a car accident. They just wanted me to take you home.
Rosie: right… and um, which one is it?
Kidnapper: um… the.. tall one. Your other dad is staying with him.
Rosie: hm, ok!… so, you drive a mini-van.
Kidnapper: uh.. yes? So?
Rosie: but you have no kids?
Kidnapper: …. No, I don’t- how did you-
Rosie: hm and no ring… can’t find a husband?
Kidnapper: Hey listen here you little-
Rosie: It’s probably because your well past your prime. I suggest some surgery. Not even working out or a touch if make up will help you-
Kidnapper: HEY- you- this is not worth it- I’m stopping the car- GET OUT!
Rosie: … I know what you’re trying to do.
Kidnapper: … what?
Rosie: We don’t have a car to get into an accident with and my dad, the taller one, thinks hospitals are a waste of time. My OTHER dad is a doctor, so if he was hurt he would probably take care of it.
Kidnapper: ok well… what are you gonna do about it? I’ve still got you.
Rosie: ( slowly hold up something in her hand )
Kidnapper: … you have a phone?
Rosie: No im too young for a phone, this is a pager.
Kidnapper: oh yeah? And who are you gonna page?
Rosie: my dads. About 45 seconds ago.
Kidnapper: …
Rosie: judging by your complete lack of skills, you where not hired by any of my parents various enemies, therefore you do not know who they are. I’ve been sending them Street names so they know where we are. I say you have about ( checks her hello kitty watch ) 15 seconds until they get here.
Kidnapper: …
Rosie: since we have some time, here are some critiques of your technique. First of all, actually do some research before you go into-
Kidnapper: you’re giving me advice? Shouldn’t you want to prevent me from doing this again-
Rosie: oh well, one of my dads, Sherlock Holmes by the way, in case you’ve heard of him, hasn’t had a case in a week and he’s just about lost his mind. If you where to manage getting out of this alive, I was hoping I’d have a case to give him, and I wanted you to make it interesting for him.
Kidnapper: … that’s… morbidly sweet.. I think?
Rosie: yeah, well, it’s kind of pointless now judging by the red dot on your head.
Kidnapper: Wha- ( turns around to see a laser pointed at their forehead ) … Oh shit-
Rosie: ( checks her watch again ) 20 seconds, they’re getting slow. By the way, my other dad, the shorter one, and the one that I’d guess is pointing the snipper at you right now, is a retired military veteran from Afghanistan, with nearly perfect aim. He has killed about-
Kidnapper: I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS A DOCTOR-
Rosie: He had bad days. Ok! Byeee-
Kidnapper: Wait- if you knew what I was doing, why did you stay in the car?!
Rosie: I was really hoping you’d be able to get my dads out of the house. They’ve been driving me crazy. Sorry you where such a disappointment. Have fun in jail!
