Septra

Can you imagine being Captain Olimar. You’re in your late fourties’ working a trucking job for weeks on end all to provide for your wife and kids and dog that you barley see all for a president who treats you with disdain despite the fact that you’re one of his best employees and then a meteorite strikes your ship and you crash on a planet. You have thirty days to survive until your life support gives out but it’s ok because these little carrot creatures have mistaken you for their leader and are willingly following you into battle against the local wildlife for your ship parts. You return home by the skin of your teeth after experiencing the life of a general commanding troops in a great war that no one will ever know about. But it’s okay. You can see your wife and kids and dog again. The president immediately sends you BACK because he’s in debt and also makes you take some random employee back with you. Whatever. It’s fine. At least you’re not going to keel over this time. So you go back to commanding your plant friends to get treasure for your shitty boss. You pay off your debt and then realize the other employee isn’t with you. So you touch down and while that sucks it also means that you can see your wife and kids and dog again because you’re not qualified for getting someone back from an unfamiliar planet and you’re pretty sure you have at least a couple medical problems that should be checked out and you paid off his debt what more does he want AND THEN HE PUTS YOU BACK. HE GOES WITH YOU. So your shitty boss is now on the planet and it’s just you and the ship’s AI and the carrot people. So you go into a cave filled with horrors and kill some biomechanical bug thing that may or may not be puppeted by that coworker. But whatever. You got him. You can go home to your wife and kids and dog. And then. And then. HE SENDS YOU BACK. Because apparently you made so much money last time. So whatever. You’re going to make so much money you’ll never have to work for him again and you can go back to your wife and kids and dog and get checked out for whatever health problems you definitely have, and then you go into a stump. And this immaterial gold creature kills all your plant friends and kidnaps you. It’s toying with you, letting you wake up and try and escape only to get captured and forced into sleep again by the presidents’s cheap spacesuit’s forced sleep measure. Three guys happen to stumble upon you by accident when dealing with a different problem and rescue you and for some reason your shitty coworker is tied up. But it’s fine. You get to go home to your wife and kids and dog. And after all of that. You still have to go to Super Smash Bros.

“Why would you stop in hell?” has changed my brain chemistry