lets heal together, ok?

Your body and mind can heal, and things can go back to normal - just give yourself the time, be understanding of your self and try not to overwhelm yourself :')

I started many different hobbies to try and build myself up! I tried music production and made a couple of songs, which I'm proud of and still listen to. I tried learning languages. Focusing back on Spanish and French, I used websites like memrise! I started writing to help myself emotionally process the past year and vent - although that had to stop because I got hacked lol. (Then, got accused of hacking which made it weirder) So, back to writing paper, and maybe someday i can buy a type-writer or something like that. I checked ebay and some are being sold for £30-40 so hmmmmm, tempting tempting. Gaming has also been a really relaxing distraction from daily stresses. I started playing animal crossing new horizons again and re-terraformed my whole island. I also stuck to a theme for my island 'cottagecore' apparently its a really common theme and overused in the acnh community, but sucK it, i love it. Also it was entertaining going on Nookazon daily; I have been trading with other players and visiting other islands.

It was faster to recover from anxiety and dp/dr by just continuing my day and plans as normal, even if it did make me anxious. If you're struggling similarly. I really would recommend to still do things, like go out with friends, go shopping, embrace hobbies, visit places you haven't been to before, and make new memories. Just make sure its balanced and you're not overwhelming yourself too fast - so take one step at a time. If you feel uncomfortable meeting with friends, try texting, calling, then build up to meeting them at a safe place and etc. Start in a safe place and slowly build up out of your comfort zone, no matter how long it takes, its worth it. To start living again, rather than just giving up and distracting yourself with constant superficial gratification. 

Also another tip or advice: be aware of who you're surrounding yourself with. The people that you have in your social circle can have an effect on your mental health, if they are stressing you out or hold no positive influence over your life - just be aware of the hold it may have on you. Put yourself first and come back when you're ready. And if you feel like you have to cut people off for a while or permanently, I would say do it. Protect your spiritual energy. And, for yourself, be aware of what you're putting out energy wise and the influence you have on others. It can effect the people you love and care about.

As cliché as it sounds life does get better. I have changed for the better, I feel more 'grown up' and ready to handle new responsibilities. I am more aware of my boundaries and my limitations with others. I can forgive and let go. I'm content not going back to people who have hurt me or who I have hurt. Sometimes its just for the best. I take accountability of my own self too and where I have personally gone wrong. Knowing which areas I need to grow in is important for self growth. No individual is perfect, and at some point we do hurt others or get hurt ourselves. I am grateful that I have the ability to learn from my own personal mistakes and can avoid having an victim complex.

Cool changes for this year: I'm planning to get a car soon. I've made a bucket list for 2021 and things I want to do/explore. Camping. Holiday. Keep learning languages. Date ideas. Other fun activities. Try a different job to build experience. Maybe get a tattoo? also, also, figuring out uni stuff for second year :)<3 

To anyone else that is struggling with mental health or is not feeling the best, I believe in you. I hope you get better, there are going to be good days and bad days for everyone. Healing is not linear, so treat yourself with kindess and love. I can't imagine what youre going through but I can understand. You're brave, strong and Ily. Thank you for reading <3

Helpful educational youtube links for anxiety and dp/dr: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPyzPH8sB2A (fight, flight, freeze)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIb7QwFhcYg (narcissist response where you fight, flight, freeze) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZdEDEUidDg (talking about dp/dr recovery)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1GCjggflEU (dpdr explained)

having to find distractions and purpose = so, so hard lmao

I really dont have that many people in my life to talk abt mental health stuff nor that will deeply understand which kinda sucks ;/ ive been relaxed the past couple of days which has been a blessing. mornings are still hard, but everyone hates mornings, right? 

looking at instagram and twitter can be really triggering too, bc im watching ig stories and comparing my life to theirs. like, why is it upsetting me?

i should be impressed and happy with how far i’ve come so far. I just need to remind myself and give myself high fives - i am doing amazing and recovery is difficult. 

its making me the person i always needed to be, a strong and resilient person who knows their worth. 

and i can listen to music and be happy again :) so def making progress

i am on medication, i wasnt expecting nor planning to take anything buttt some important people in my life convinced me to. so im on day 7 of taking citalopram ;/ it’s alright

it feels like i lost a battle within myself - to not take medication, believing i am stronger and more resilient. medication can be used as a tool, to help us on our journey and there is nothing wrong with taking medication!! 

So, 2 weeks ago, I was at my lowest point -

 I couldn't leave the house, I stayed in bed, I would get overstimulated by external stimuli(such as, being outside), I wasn't able to cook for myself, do chores, no sleep schedule, no eating schedule, no exercise, i had to move back home from uni, low attention span, paranoid  AF

and the most uncomfortable, feeling disconnected. 

So,  what  improvements have I made? 

I started going outside in the garden, and just walked around the garden with my dog following me. Then I became more confident - I started going outside the front of my house, and took really short walks outside, around the neighbourhood, even for just one minute. Sometimes I still get uncomfortable - but its only been two weeks! I started making my bed in the mornings - it allowed me to build my energy and start helping around the house. I moved on, I started cleaning the kitchen, such wiping the counters, sweeping, mopping etc. and I would do the dishes, and would occasionally cook for the whole family.

 I can look outside and feel connected to my outside - because of the short short walks.

 I feel more level headed, not second guessing everything around me as much.

 Feeling more safe in my head - having the ability to have more clear thoughts, although I still do overthink at times. But I'm working on that - getting too deep into thought was a hobby of mine. 

My sleep schedule has been more consistent this week than the past 3 years - I wake up early and go to bed early - It feels like I'm at school again, getting ready in the mornings! Having a stable morning routine has helped me so much - its given me the ability to remain consistent, as I have never been before with myself. 

Unfortunately, I wont be staying at my uni accommodation furthermore, as I want to focus getting better in an environment where I feel more safe and at home. Although, I do miss my uni friends, I can still keep in contact with them through text, call or social media etc. I am sure they can take care of themselves, as I focus on me. 

I learnt Muscle Relaxation exercise, Self-regulation(muscle relaxation), Trauma Release exercise, felt sense, Deep diaphragmatic breathing and positive affirmations. 

I've also started Journaling, writing how my sleep was, where I'm at mentally, anything fun that happened or just something, anything I want to express about myself. It's been nice - creating an environment where I can just express myself.

 I've also been practicing daily affirmations, gratitude, and being more present around my family - actually communicate and talk to them!

Hi, this is my first blog post! I’ve never really done anything like this before, but I want to be open about my experience - what it means to finally take a step forward and try to heal yourself. 

I have had a complicated year - heartbreak, uni stress, mental health issues and probably other things I can’t recall. I don’t see any of these experiences as negatives, although it does pain me to recall some memories. However, I’m not letting it stop me from wanting better for myself. 

I am 21 years old and I have been struggling with mental health probably my whole life. Before I was officially diagnosed with GAD - or even knew what anxiety meant: I’ve always been an overthinker, a worrier and a pessimist. This year was overwhelming for me, and I developed intense dissociation. But I think I can work through this, work through my trauma, and heal and become the best version, the version I’ve always wanted to be of myself. 

I’m tired of being a background character in my own life by letting mental illness rule over me - I am deciding things are going to be different from now on.