Ugh.

I Just can't get INTO the story. I don't know if it's the past tense narration or the fact that the narrator continues to reference their current experience of recalling the past, but I just get sucked out of the story so easily. But also the fact that I know how it ends, I know what to expect. The suspense just isn't there for me, all the whispered sweet nothings that I should be drooling over feel icky in my mind.

The situation in Afghanistan is breaking my heart. Irregardless of political opinion or religious affiliation, innocent people who deserve to live comfortable, peaceful lives are going to suffer immensely.

And for what? People will resort to whatever horrors they need to survive. Taking the moral high ground, or 'doing the right thing' will quickly become the unsafest option.

How can you blame someone who is choosing survival, by whatever means necessary, in the face of death?

And all that aside, the chaos will make covid all the more problematic.

International Womens Rights are at the forefront of my mind.

Who is even at fault in the situation? The history of global coruption weaves a thick and tangled web throughout the entire country of Afghanistan.

All I know right now is that people are suffering. And I wish I knew the answers to make it stop. No one should have to experience whats happening over there.

I’m nearly out of rocks in my backyard and I think my neighbor is starting to notice the landscaping missing from his flower beds. 

Then the pastor of my church had an affair and committed suicide when he was found out.

Then I found evidence of the bible, and other holy texts of other religions being deliberately changed to drive an agenda.

I've been betrayed by centuries of authority trying to control people through religion.

They say that when you lose your faith and fall away from your religion to not go jumping into a new religion. There will be a void in your life and its not uncommon to fill it with the next available answer. So why am I still attending a Christian Bible study?

It's infuriating to listen to people talk about how great God is and how insignificant humans are. "Our humanity is evil." Why did God make us like that then? Why bother. Its a waste of existence to create such a shitty existence.

Often advice given to new artists is to create art even if it isn't good. The point is to get practice, even if it doesn't turn out well or the way you want it to, you've got the experience under your belt.

Maybe God was just practicing and we didn't turn out quite like the masterpiece he envisioned. I'm waiting for the day he paints over us and replaces us with a better reality.

On an unrelated note, since being on antidepressants I've been more irratic. I think I have ADHD, and plan on getting diagnosed, or at least get a definite answer. But it's made me hesitant to speak up durring bible study because I'm worried that I won't be able to get my point across and I'll just come off as rambly and annoying.

And the nostalgia is just WOW. I can’t believe how much I used tumblr. especially since I don’t use it at all now. 

I feel like I fell back in time. 

Anyway, I was just thinking about how funny it would be if I actually used this platform as a blog and actually wrote things instead of just reblogging pictures and spells. What if I actually wrote things here that I think and feel. Wouldn’t that be crazy?  

It’s weird. I’m 23 and feel like I just now have the mental capacity to learn about who I am. I know I’m emotionally stunted from trauma, and spending so many years just trying to survive really choked my personality. I have time and energy and space to question things I thought I knew about myself, and what I believe.