satyric

ive always sagged. my aunt was freaked by my "hot dog" boobs when i was living with her after i graduated high school. when i was ten i was mad that only boys got to go topless and mom was like "youre right that is bs do what you want" and so i took off my shirt when i was hot playing with friends and it was clear id made a social no no - probably because i got fat then taller for my growth spurts.

before i realized that you could just. decided to be a girl (or in my case a boy) and it not hurt anything or anyone, that i didnt have to justify it with having the "correct" linear story with all the signs sitting pretty in an easy to spot cherry picked pattern... i wasnt sure if i could say i was trans because my body issued could very easily be because of shame, specially shame of being chubby but also just learned shame that ive never looked or been right and if i did as i was "supposed to" eventuality id look right and the shame would go away.

i knew that wasnt going to happen. i didnt want to have to change myself to be happy physically. that had neber worked for my family. it was just. torture for a goal they didn't want for themselves - but to meet expectations. and the expectations weren't something i wanted to meet if it meant i coulnt be happy. like shame aside id *rather* be fat and *happy* and i always knew that

so once i decided to give being trans a trial run in like nov 2017 i didnt want to commit to anything. i didnt know if i had dysphoria because of gender or if i was just feeling shame.

well. turns out doing things that make you happy - even if its not in a rush or with a purpose - makes you happier go figure.

i wanted colored hair. its so much work and makes your life harder - a lot of people dont take you seriously and works dont like it and youve got to wash it in *cold* water and keep up with it so it doesnt look like shit and and and - i thought i couldnt do it. thought it was too much work and i was so depressed i rarely did anything hygine right.

but dying my hair made me happy. being happy about it made me want to try to take care of it and forgive myself for failing and find work arounds that ensured i was happy with my hair. and im way better at hygine because dying my hair or starting t made me happy enough to have the energy to dedicate to doing so - and im not worried about doing things *right* just things that work and let me keep being happy.

and so being happier lets me look at my body again and question - do i have a problem or was i made to feel like a problem? and thats stuff im unpacking but i relaized along the way that yeah everythings fine with my boobs. theyre literally normal.

they do agressivly sag - something that got worse when i gave up on real bras several years back. hell ive seen a cis man with perkier tits than mine and all he had out of the standard was being fat / chubby like me.

and ive seen so many boobs since i lived with my aunt and realized boobs are just boob shaped. she's made sneaky comments - since i came out and siad i wasnt taking any "change your mind" conversations - tucked into other unrelated conversations about things like how a butch lady didn't feel the need to cut parts of herself off because shes happy with her self and

i am too but its different.

i didnt start t because i was miserable. im not going to cut off the boobs eventually because they make me sad. im not going to "diet" though i may alter my eating habits and if i work out its not because of shame

im just happy and pursuing things that make me happy and my life better.

my voice changing, getting hairier, shaving my face, the slowly changing fat distribution - dying my hair, getting tattoos, finally working on curating a wordobe myself - planing to cut off my boobs and change my name

all this and more is the process of creating a life i enjoy living - its not being miserable driving me. its not escapism. and trust me i spent a good chunk of my life being the former and desperately wishing for the latter.

i just accepted im allowed to be happy and do things that make me happy and doing that and actively looking for work arounds to problems isn't... a negitive thing that people try to spin

if working out isnt a punishment for what you ate but a celebration of what you can do - if that refraiming is true the so is the idea that

my gender is irrelevant to my transition.

for once in my life im not trying to carve out parts of myself to fit in the box - im just leaving behind the box factory entirely and reshaping myself for my own uses.

and even if i dont "have" to wear a bra or after a certain point i could go around topless regardless of boobage or not because ill theoretically "pass" - i dont want the boobs. theyre irritating and i want a chest tattoo that doesnt include boobs or probably nipples.

they dont look bad and i dont feel bad about my body the way i did growing up - setting everything else aside i just dont want boobs.

took like 7/8 years to figure that out but im sure and it's a little funny that im okay with that. i dont regret taking my time to decide at all. idve only felt bad if id never started looking at things and doing things and asking the questions and such. letting things pass by

i love myself and to me transitioning isnt any more significant - except to the wallet - to changing a shirt. just because i care about what i wear doesn't mean i dont accept myself.

in fact its insanely more accepting of myself to allow myself to have preferences and change things on a whim because im not seeking something i dont have im just not letting other people limit me by what theyve given.

i could probably spend my life never buying more than socks and underwear with the amount of second hand and gifted clothes i get. going to a store or tearing it all up to make my own things isnt a grand betrayal of myself or others and its starting to be funny to me that a lot of people feel that transitioning is anything more significant than that.

like is it practical or easy? noooooooo.

is defying practical and easy things in favor of the desirable a thing to do when you're aware of what youre getting into and still want to do it? yes. very yes.

I NEED A HERO, the bloodied knight returning to his lady.

1. request--the thing you're begging for. let me cum, don't spank me, get me pregnant, etc. be descriptive--usually, the more explicit, the better. make it sound appealing to your partner. refer to them by title (if applicable) in this step or the third step. not both.

2. promise--why they should do it. this can include descriptions of how whatever you're asking for will feel for them, how you'll react, or a promise for good behavior or quid pro quos. (in noncon scenes, this is also where you'd put a promise not to tell anyone/get the aggressor in trouble). this should be your longest section, and you CAN give more than one reason.

3. request--rephrase what you asked for in step 1. if step 1 was short, make this longer. if step 1 was long, make it shorter. this is the step where eye contact is most important.

in general, use a deferential, beseeching tone--you can choose how composed to keep it, but keep an undercurrent of "i'll die if you say no." (alternatively, you can lean into the humiliation of verbalizing your desires and speak soft and stuttery. but be warned, you'll run the risk of your dom making you repeat yourself louder.)

wait

wait fuck

Generally, it’s a pretty simple formula: Is masturbation keeping you from doing other things you enjoy, like being with friends or partners, participating in sports, hobbies, goals, or interests? Is it interfering with your responsibilities (schoolwork, family duties, chores, or a job)? Is it infringing upon your health (keeping you up nights, keeping you from eating properly), causing any sort of injury (such as sore, swollen, raw, blistered, or chafed skin), or creating emotional conflict or distress for you? If it’s doing any of those things, then it’s probably time to cut back or ask for help (a mental healthcare provider⁠ can help, or you can just talk to anyone you trust and respect with something sensitive and loaded like this). If it’s not, and it feels good to you, don’t sweat it. There's no "right" amount of masturbation just like there's no "right" amount of sex with partners: it's all about what just feels and is right for you."