brainrot

NOTE: I'm glad I was able to participate, since any excuse to paint False is a good one & I really do love her Jellyfish build :3

The Gender Saga

I'm too far gone!

I feel like, um... This year has been a really interesting year for me in experiencing bigotry, um, for the first time. As you know, I, uh, grew up, uh, and was raised as a man. And I happen to have a very man-shaped body! It is— it is very true. It is undeniable. You— you can't shave my shoulder-blades down enough to the point of— softening me to the point of— basically, just looking like... a man. [I don't know how to properly describe this tone] As much makeup as I put on, as much as I try to move aw— as much estrogen as Musi tries to give me... [quiet laughter] I'm not interested. I'm too far gone! (OW? FUCKING OW???) However, I also don't really have, um, that kind of physical dysphoria. (So, I'm,, generally choosing to restrain myself with the commentary, but that description does sound a lot like physical dysphoria. Which might be worth acknowledgement or,, exploration, somehow. I don't know, I'm not an expert, nor do I actually know Avid, obviously. Caveats and disclaimers and disclaimers and caveats.)

Feeling like I wish I'd just never come out

Basically, it was like that— [miming with hands] that meme where that little squishy thing comes out of its box and its like "Maybe I'll experience the world for a little bit :D" and then it gets punched in the face and the box closes and it's like "Yeah, you know what, actually, I'll never do that again :D" um... It actually— and— and even more recently, the current rhetoric on Twitter—which is fortunately, thankfully, subsided, um—did have me feeling like "I wish I'd just never come out because it just would've been easier." Y'know? Um... and that is not how I want you to feel! And that's the difference, and that's why I still— I— I— I— there are many things that I've— that I've— in the past couple of— 48 hours, where I've been like, "Hmmm... Maybe I just never do content ever again!" Um... but I think that would go against my mission to try to make the world a better place.

Being the 'm' in mlm ships causing dysphoria

So, men— mlm ships, for me— I now really have actualized— I really have understood, um, that I didn't like being one of the "m"s in those ships! People, the audience, they didn't know, right? I mean, they knew I was bi, and so bi erasure is a whole thing—I mean, it was overwhelmingly men-on-men ships when I was in Vampires. Um, but... what I realized was I was actively ex— experiencing dysphoria by being portrayed in mlm ships. Which is complicated, too, right? Because I'm currently— what you would— what you could describe as an [questioningly] mlm ship in the Flight with Watermunch, um, but we're not— neither— I— Watermunch isn't a cis man, it's different and it's weird and it's hard to describe and I think that's the thing about gender identity, is there's no one-size-fits-all. [reading chat] "Except neither of you are men!" [laughing] exactly, Sky, and I'm glad you said it! "It's nonbinary-for-nonbinary!" Yeah! Exactly! And you guys say it better than I can. [...] Yeah, and so, like, I think that was my problem, and I— I am coming to terms with that and the fact that, in an attempt to articulate that, I did so in not the smartest or best way. Or I guess not in the most truest— in the truest way to myself, um, and I think that is just because it takes a while for anyone to figure out the right word and feeli— [coughs] excuse me— and feelings, so, yeah.

Clothing

Yeah, I'll even be honest with you guys, like, I was looking at my closet today and I was like... I was really sad, um... because a lot of my clothes are from— I— I don't have the funds right now to purchase a new, uh... closet. Of clothing. Um, and so, I looked at all my clothes and I was just like none o— like— I— however I dress today, they're gonna perceive me as a man. And that really sucks, that I was like "I don't even have the clothes to, like..." [trails off and sighs] Yeah, it just sucks. It just sucks. Um, so... Yeah, um... [reading chat] "Steal Marm's clothes!" We are of different sizes, as you can imagine, I do ruin her clothes. I— I ruined her dress. (< ALSO OW???)

Coming out as he/him nonbinary to not inconvenience others

Yeah, you know, like, to be honest, I, like, came out as nonbinary he/him initially just because I didn't want to inconvenience other people into having to remember what I am. Right? Like— or, have to, like, change their— [pausing to think] how they refer to me. Um, and that's probably not the best way to go about it, if I'm honest, but I over-accommodate everybody—if you actually know me personally, you will know that I bend over backwards to accommodate even my worst enemies [giggling]. Um... [...] [responding to chat] I prefer— He/they is all cool! He/they is fine! "They" has been fun! "They" has been fun, I— I— I see it sometimes, it's cool! I dunno, [laughing, getting progressively giddier] it's new! I dunno! It's cool! [...] "You do not need to choose your pronouns just to accommodate others, but it's common." I figured as much, I figured as much. There's never a good time to come out, and the fact that people, like, conflated me coming out with, um, like, stepping on other people of marginalized genders, or, like, trying to shoehorn my way into a conversation, like... I'll always look back and regret that I hadn't come out sooner so that I could have a voice at a time when I needed to have a voice. Um, but also, you can't really plan these things. As much as people want to, like, have hindsight and be like "You should've done this!" it's like... You'll never be able to make hard decisions perfectly, um, as best as we wish we can. [reading chat] "I'm trying to decide whether to come out as nonbinary. Might validate how I feel about myself more. I've never really felt—" um... "like a woman—what I was raised as. I have always avoided skirts and dresses. I think I might start using she/they pronouns. I'm so scared to come out to my friends despite the fact they are extremely supportive." Y'know what? Just follow your body. And another thing is, like, if— you don't have to, like, be perfect, either, y'know, in figuring out exactly what you are. Like, you can be nonbinary and then you could be like "Y'know what? I might actually be trans!" And then you're— and then— and that's great, too! Like, we need to give people grace in their own self-discovery journey, because it's not just like you wake up one day and you know exactly who you are! And, in fact, alternatively and oftentimes, we are actively repressing who we are and gaslighting ourselves into saying "We are this certain thing—" um, "and I can't even give myself space to think about the alternative, because that scares me!" Right? Like, that's something that's— that's something that is very much overlooked, is, like, you don't have to be perfect, either!

The Seed

[reading chat] "The Seed has always felt very personal in relation to my transness and the sentient (sentiment) of 'the best time to plant a tree is ten years ago, but the second best time is to plant a tree now' is extremely affirming as a late-bloomer myself." Ough! The Seed! All of my music has that kind of, like, undercurrent, y'know?

Boy glasses (A sillier one, as a treat to break up the Suffering)

[disdainfully] These are my boy glasses. Eugh!!

New song!

Okay! I still don't have a name for this song, um, but this song kind of is the vibe of everything that I have been thinking and feeling and experiencing, um, over the las— since— basically since Vampires. Um... [tuning guitar] and we've talked a lot about, like, how overwhelming all of this is. Right? And how I've had to take several resets and steps back and pissed a lot of people off to get there, um, but what's important about it is, um, that we find our own space. Right? We find our own space in the world and we make that space good. Because we can't change the world. As best as we try, we can only change our little space, and that's okay! [starts playing, sing-songy] I've gotta plug in my guitar~ Blah blah blah blah~ There. Okay? [song starts] There was a boy who became quite the man // Then threw it away 'cuz he saw through their plan // Unless you been through it and lived in the cell // Then you won't know the feeling of failing yourself // But what if he wanted anything else? // That's not an option, as far as I can tell And maybe it's foolish or selfish or bold // But the weight of the world is too heavy to hold Get a house up in Colorado // Find some space from the hell and the hate // Let the rest of the world keep on spinnin' // While we focus on what we create There was a girl hiding behind a mask // Afraid of the world all because of her dad // You oughtta work through it and lose the disguise // Because if you knew it, you'd soon realize // You don't have to carry the pieces alone // When the world that you built up is crumblin' stone And maybe it's foolish or selfish or bold // But the weight of the world is too heavy to hold Get a house up in Colorado // Find some space from the hell and the hate // Let the rest of the world keep on spinnin' // While we focus on what we create There's no one I'd rather be with // When the fire burns down to the coal // We'll lay down the burden of keepin' the hurt in // And finally learn to let go Get a house up in Colorado // Find some space from the hell and the hate // Let the rest of the world keep on spinnin' // While we focus on what we create [song ends] So, that's what I mean! [giggling] It's easier to just sing it!

The "Private Conversations" Saga

Okay, I lied, you can have a bit of extra context. So, Avid's talked before a number of times about having faced abuse at the hands of a fair few men in their life and I am,, Currently Collecting stories and timestamps in regard to that, but know that the stories they shared below are the more pared-down-for-time ones.

You should've said something in private

And I think a second thing and— and— and a— I think a— a very, um, common criticism that has been sort of about all situations of when I say something public that isn't popular, um, or is potentially... rash or not perfectly-thought-out—which is challenging to do—is, um, "You should've had a private conversation." And, um, "You should've had a private conversation about your boundaries" or "You should've had a private conversation—" y'know, " with the— XYZ creators." Y'know, I'll be real with you guys, like... my circles are very small for the people who I trust in my life. To be able to have such deep and hard conversations, there— I could count, maybe on two hands at most the people who I would feel comfortable doing— having a hard conversation like that with. Um, but I will say that [thinking, haltingly] if ever I speak publicly, it is because... private was not necessarily a safe option for me. And s— and also, it's important that I use my platform to speak about things that are important. And so, I just want to make sure that you all know that I'm okay! Because it's been a bit of a whirlwind.

Difficulty approaching men: or, the employer story (This one's a long one)

[reading chat] "Could somebody fill me in on what happened on Twitter?" uh, don't even bother. Like, it's not worth it, Vexed. It's just more that, like, I'm continuing to talk about why I didn't like being in mlm ships and why it's also extremely difficult to have private conversations when, um, it is already so difficult for me to talk to... a lot of people—men, particularly, um, are very difficult to approach, for me, just because of the amount of actual abuse that I have faced in my life. And I've talked to all of you about this, like, for those of you who have been around for a while, you know about the story of that guy that I worked for who tried to drown me in a lake! Or, said he wanted to and he was my boss. Like, we have talked about men—and I'm not gonna say blanketly like "Oh, men bad!" it's just now there are triggers in my brain that make it so that approaching unfamiliar men, especially as a creator who is a non-man, um, it is... I don't even think difficult, I think impossible. [reading chat] "New watcher here! What?" Oh, yeah, no, that's a long story. That's a long story. Uh, yeah, no, this guy, um, like, seven years ago? When I moved to Colorado, um, I worked for him and he was my only— he was the only person who would hire me because I had changed industries to being a software engineer—[to chat] this is not Gregg, this is not Gregg—um...

(Story starts here) "Back track?" Yeah! So, basically, um, I have been the target of abuse a number of times in my life that I can— that I keep track of—but I'm not going to tell you guys because then we're gonna have to go through them—and I'll just talk about one of them, um, and one that I have already talked about. Um, but I— yeah, I— there was a man who had a position of power over me, um, which is not an uncommon place for me to be in, um, and he was my employer and one of the only people who would hire me, um, because I didn't have software experience. Um, but he was a young CEO of a startup who needed somebody to basically work infinite hours and learn software and also run his company, um, and so I did! In order to get my partner at the time closer to her parents, I had to move across country, I had to change my field, um, and, y'know, I was very vulnerable. Um, and so, as a result of that, um, I gave him everything he wanted. I gave him my time, I gave him my texting, I gave him my... my deepest, darkest secrets and worries and fears. I remember one night, um, we had just gotten back from this big customer meeting that went super well—[reading chat] "Beat drop was perfect in the music"—um, and, uh, we went to this restaurant to celebrate and, at the restaurant, um, I just remember, like, I was feeling so lonely—very similar feeling to how I feel now, to be honest!—um, because I had gone through this big transition in my life. I had left all my friends and my family behind to try to start this new life. And, so, in the restaurant, um, he— I had gotten really drunk, I guess? I don't know why or how... but I had? Um... it wasn't a lot to drink? But... I don't know, either way it just got to me. And I remember, uh, he—for some reason—just looked at me and was like "You have no friends and you are so alone and you are so pathetic." And I was like "I don't know where that came from!" but I just wept, I just wept in front of him. And I remember he— we had to get the check 'cuz it was so awkward and I couldn't stop crying, um, and, uh, I remember that... On the walk back to his car, 'cuz I was like the only one who, uh— I— he drove me. I didn't have a car. Um, I remember that I cried in this alleyway and he was the only person in the world who just could hold me and comfort me and it was awful but at the same time, it was like... I just felt so beaten down! Um, yeah! And so, uh, this person continued to abuse me for a long while, and, uh... And it got the point where he would try to isolate me, get me alone, try to get me to go over to his place, um, and at the time, my partner was really scared for me, but, like, there was nothing we could do! 'Cuz he signed my paycheck! I mean, he threatened my job all the time! Um, so, one ti— one day he fi— he told me that he wanted to go on a trip with me, um, to the east coast, uh, and we were gonna go, like, go up and down the east coast and— I had no choice. Um, and thankfully, I was able to isolate myself well enough on this trip. I had my own hotel rooms but I still had to get in the car with him for several hours at a time, um, and, yeah, there was a point where he just looked at me and said "You see that lake over there? That's exactly where I would drown you." [laughing] And I was like "Uh?!"—first off, I'd like to see you try—but second off... ugh, gosh! That was the culmination. It's kind of this moment, like, these moments in life where you realize "I am surroun— I am with a truly insidious person." Um, I don't— I hope you never have to experience any of this kind of stuff, but if I don't talk about this stuff, then people aren't going to know what to look for. Um, he was a narcissist, it's just what it was. And I think, like, the thing is, when I finally quit that job, it's— he was so nice to me.

[a peppy song starts to play, they switch it] Not that song. He was nice! That's the thing, that's the part that is most insidious about it, is it starts off so nice. And you feel like you are finally seen for the first time. And then the cracks start. And there are just enough good days to offset the bad days. Um, and unfortunately, this has been a common situation in my life, to where I find it very difficult to connect with men! It's not that I'm "Men bad!" [making a cross symbol with their fingers as though warding off a demon]—I'm not "Men bad!" I've gotten a lot of feedback about that, that's not what I mean. That's not at all what I mean. What I mean is that I am too afraid to reach out to most people, period [gesturing for emphasis], then we take a tier up to that of most... men? Um, that is then a layer above that, and then there's a layer above that which is— really the only men who I will ever reach out to, in my life, privately about anything of seriousness, the list is probably, like, three. Max. Three might even be a lot. That's cis men. So, um, yeah, I— I can't do it. And so, I'm not gonna. Um, I care about my safety. So, anyways, I just try to provide context because if I don't, then my actions, taken out of context— or, my actions without context can be misconstrued. And unfortunately, that is going to be how it is forever.

People pleasing