My thoughts

I only had one snack at break - proper chips which are 94 calories.... did I need them? No not really but I couldn’t resist them. I held out until lunch after that. Tried to cram in glasses of water telling myself that would fill me up. It didnt... or did it? Is it my brain telling me I’m hungry just because it knows I’m trying to diet? I can’t decide.

For lunch I had beans on WW bread... but then I added marmite and cheese... I only justified it by saying it was 50% less fat cheese but we all know that was just an excuse to eat what I wanted to eat. I brought three slices of bread with me, telling myself it was only little slices... but I resisted the third as there was only one other skinny girl in the room and I wanted to appear stronger than my head was telling me I am. I’m so cross that I still felt stupidly hungry. I knew I wasn’t hungry I’d just ate, but that didn’t stop my fat stomach telling my brain it wasn’t full.

I knew I was tutoring after school, so I convinced myself that having that bag of popcorn in the cupboard was fine as I was working after school.... but realistically it’s no different to going to the gym and I wouldn’t shove a bag of popcorn in then? Or would I? I’d like to think I’d reason with myself about it before a work out.

Why am I like this? why do I do it? I feel disgusting. My stomach hurts. 

I actually find it a little disturbing how much I rely on others and their thoughts to help me through the day. I hate how much I think about how I want to be seen through another eyes. Clothes shopping today with one of my best friends... I know she wouldn’t ever judge me but it is internalised that I couldn’t possibly pick up an item of clothing when shopping. She will see the size of it and be disgusted. She will see the size and think that I haven't been trying on my diet. So if I am thinking like that already then what's the point in actualiy trying to drop that dress size that never actually seems to fall off.. I may as well have that large glass of wine and Wagamamas until I feel so full I feel sick. I know I am having dinner later, I do not need two dinners in one day, yet I do it anyway. I shovel the food into my mouth like it is the last thing I will ever eat on this earth. How could anyone love someone who thinks like that. Who abuses themselves like that? Sometimes I think it would just be easier if I didn't exist. I don't want to die, don't get me wrong... there is just something so pure and blissful about being in a world that knows nothing about you, and being able to wipe the slate clean and start over.

 I think this is what it would be like when I move... I want it to magically erase my anxiety, like jumping on an aeroplane and starting over will cure everything in my life, when In reality I know that even sitting outside my councillors office gives me heart palpitations. the thought of should I go in or should I sit here and wait for him to come and get me. Do other people have these strange innate thoughts and feelings? Does anyone ever admit them to anyone else or am I just very strange. 

Dinner tonight was one of those out of body experiences. My sister and her boyfriend came round for dinner... I always feel like I am not there when others are in the house. Like I could disappear and not a soul would notice or care. I sit silently, not saying a word, pondering what It would be like to be able to eat three dumplings instead of two and not have the eyes fall on me. Or be able to grab that bread with such ease that I wasn't overthinking what everyone would be thinking as I was sitting there munching away. Thats how I've gotten in this mess and I will not fall  back into that again... but what a blissful life that would be. 

Sometimes in life, I just want to be alone. I know how sad that is, but I feel like I have to put on a face with everyone around me for everything. Sometimes I find it really difficult to be alone. Left in a room with my own thoughts is sometimes a terrifying notion, and I wish I could hit the pause button and make it all go away, but life doesn't work like that and each day we have to listen to the little voice in our heads telling us things that probably aren't true... but if they're in your head, they must be... right? Being alone for a period of time gives my brain that little chance It needed to pick myself apart, pick apart every little thought, feeling and word I've said. The only time I can switch off this voice is that initial push off the side when swimming, and I wait for that push on each length I do so that my brain will stop screaming at me for a second. It is almost like, with my head underwater, my brain can’t say a thing, like it’s drowning and suddenly  I don’t feel like I'm drowning... until I pop back up for air. 

A thought I had swimming today randomly was about my hair. I haven't brushed my hair in a week now.... how disgusting. But the thought of the energy that Is needed to brush it, and make it look okay so that I look okay is just too much to bare, and it ends up as a nest on top of my head. Pathetic. But ridiculously overwhelming. 

I needed to get out of the house today There is something about the weekend, like there is an unwritten that I can’t be in the house... it’s weird for someone my age to be in the house with their parents at the weekend. The house is my mums domain on a Saturday and me being there is an invasion of the space and time that she needs to stop thinking about how fat and disgusting I have become. My head is screaming at me that she is going to start the conversation again and again and again, if not about my weight about the state of my room and I just can’t bare that conversation right now. I weighed up my options and though I am physically and mentally exhausted, I feel the gym is the best option. I am loving the pain that I seem to get from the gym, that constantly dull aching pain, reminding me that I need to get out of this rut and make myself stronger. It is a bit of a love hate relationship, like I used to have with cutting. You love the pain but you hate the constant reminder of it grating on you screaming out your flaws and your thoughts. I wish I could replace that drive I have for food with that pain I feel after a good workout, but once my stomach and my head have latched onto a food item... its there. and it needs to be eaten. 

The awful thing is, I often have dreams of anorexia. How good it must feel to be able to feel your ribs sticking out from your body. How everyone looks at you and thinks wow they're so skinny... I know realistically when you’re anorexic that isn't how you think, and its seen as a genuine problem by others too.. but what I think and feel about food is just as abnormal and yet, it’s not recognised or justified as a thing... I just need to get over it and deal with it.. but how?! I NEED HELP. I am screaming out for help and my parents just see fat. I wish my problems with food were as valued as another eating disorder when someone actually gets the help they need. Why can’t I just be fucking normal my head screams over and over as I binge on a family sized chocolate bar that I have been dreaming about since 10am. My diet will start properly tomorrow. I am going to be so strict, chicken, rice and peas... but tomorrow never comes. I start off well, but then the voices start, the tummy rumbles and the choclate or the crisps or the Mcdonalds calls my name. The guilt afterwards is immense. I’ve thought of throwing it back up before but I can’t actually bring myself to do it. Plus the only thing I actually like about myself is my teeth so I couldn't ruin them.. could I? would it make me better if I started throwing up, would it justify that there is a problem?