Fig

My family has started calling my cat "the beast" which is very funny considering she's a 19yo arthritic old lady who needs help up and down the stairs. Not to mention she doesn't really meow any more, just sits and stares at you, and im the only one who can reliably guess what she wants, so my parents are constantly messaging me "The beast awakens... I know not what she desires 😥😥" i feel like the chosen prophet of an eldritch god

He is worse than wrong. He is, may Heaven forgive him, right but being annoying about it.

sorry were dont have any pepsi would you like mosquito eggs instead

your girlfriend got scooped up in the mouth of a kingfisher bird and was carried into the horizon, i didnt try to save her sorry i was busy picking my nose

*in a fight* you’re just jealous that my blood gets to go wherever it wants and yours is stuck inside your stupid veins

happy new bears!!

wait no don’t reblog this i meant years

I love it when people use "shrimp" to mean "beyond the human range". like "shrimp colors" but applied to other things. "shrimp emotions" "shrimp sounds" "shrimp morality", as if shrimp are living some kind of transcendent existence that humans can never comprehend

Imagine taking an afternoon nap on the couch with your F/O. One of you leaning against the other, their arms around you, or your head in their lap. Cozy and peaceful and warm together.