A Dead Queen

Life is a troubling concept that all of humanity will and always ponder till eons pass. However the world will never give the answers. Only hints that prophets will later use for their religious beliefs. Only signs are allowed, for in most will believe it will slaughter your mind , having the true knowledge. The fear of many is knowing the truth and still be known as insane . The truth is odd and off. Idk venting lol.

I want to feel important and special with someone.Why do I continue going forward...what's the point ? The Child is my fuel to move on, however the tar-like depression weighing on my chest was always existing . I try to wipe the sludge,it seeps through my lungs and heart. Making this sensation of living feel like a twisted nightmare. I see so much motivation in his life and the people he can communicate with. Always bonding with others . Yet I still stand in a house and feel trapped . As if they're literal shackles bond to me when I open the door. Is this what motherhood feels like ? Or is it meant to be better? My dream was to raise a family with my lover . Why does it feel broken to me ?, why am I tearful to these words I type? I know I don't deserve much. To being groomed for my actual established relationship, ironic. To make me feel like the girl who sleeps around at age fucking 15 thru 18 and after. To be violated so many times and it's shoved quickly under the rug. To never have kids due to a man thinking it was okay to grab a dirty ass broom . And left me in a old abandoned house. The come back not to check on me but to grab his shitty ass weed. For most of my "friends " to force kiss me and to touch me . Then throw it around to make me look slutty. To think I would make out with my crush thinking it's the dream to see him hanging with his girl . To have the only real female friend and finally a beautiful girlfriend. To find no reason to be with me anymore due to one event with a man again . I wanted to ended it so many times , I had cut the guilt I was given by so many. I was told at one point not to cut due to it being ugly and not the fact it was because I was suffering inside. It was because the scars on my arm were in the way of my naked body while he did it. I wasn't important enough to be with as a birthday gift , to see my favorite metal band . Yet my friend was their and not the partner I chose to date . Was there for sex , if I couldn't do it he just get done by the Internet. I don't think I know how to love myself. It was all the words, the SA, the abuse , and great feel of no importance compared to the person I chose. I was I could shake the old me , yet I don't think I would even know what I say to the young version of me. I had an argument that sticks with me...and it's after a really bad fight . I usually get told , I can easily find anyone else...I will promptly say "who?!" . All the people that I chose have no interest in me and have a happier life without this dread . I wasn't even allowed to be single long, my own sister guilt trip me into a shitty relationship. Often calling me at fault . I would be offered no help , and threatened. I even convinced a whole house hold in Colorado to kick me out. I just want it to end but now I have a obligation. I have to put up a mask , when my child can acknowledge what I say and feel my dread. I feel horrible. I want to wake up but it's the reality of my life.

I feel like the pain in my life triggers you. I had no clue why it upsets you. My physical hurt and the child I had bared to you . It does not justify my disgust in myself. It doesn't deny that the pain you went through, but why do you cause me to hurt when you speak. You attacked me and you cut me in places to make me bleed like a fountain,with words. I attempted to kill thyself, in a ditch effort. You were tired and the last words you stated makes me crave to you like a toxic drug. Said so tiredly, attempting to save me ...but embarrassment overwhelmed me. To end the soul and what stopped me was being an embarrassing to my lover. The words that inspired me , that he angrily mocked me with. To only never meant it. Am I meant to feel like a waste in space , drifting through it endlessly. The words I justify to my own self, become vauge, and it doesn't makes any sense." Why do you hurt me , haven't I learned? Haven't I done enough?"...No he states . No? I keep repeating and questioning how? He says he loves me ...but I feel like it is twisted but he doesn't mind me leaving. He will say the most to make my skin feel disgusting. Maybe I should have left this world sooner before I forced this man with me....I was always the mistaken choice in love .