I was scared to direct the sex scenes in the movie because I had never directed them before. My perspective on sex, especially before transition, was that I had deeply buried stuff that I was scared to show people or even myself, and so I just avoided it. I wanted to apologise for having a sexuality. It came to a point when I realized that I’m inviting these actors to perform this, and I felt that impulse of ‘this is ugly’ and ‘this is manipulative’. I’m gonna just let them lead. I went out to dinner with my partner, and I was talking about this anxiety. She was like, ‘The film is talking about dissociation during sex, and you are dissociating from directing your sex scenes.’ I realized that this is literally my job: to look this directly in the eye, instead of through my fingers. I’m proud of the way I grew as an artist in this movie. The sex scenes themselves are the emotional core of the film.
Jane Schoenbrun for i-D
