schwadronation

I get up abruptly. “I’m running late for my meeting.”

I cannot endure this calm for too long. I have regular friends, and I have event friends. I cannot lie I like my event friends more. But that’s because they are all just short, intense relationships that last between a day and a month. It’s like a one night stand but just on the platonic level. It plays with the fantasy, it goes through all the commonalities, the potential and then it’s over.

Als alles noch besonders war. 

The half red moon rising above the rice field, 2 8 1 4 playing in the background, a candle lit on my desk, three palm trees on the right, a frog just got trapped in my room, I had to rescue him and I wish I could do that with spiders too, but they are too fast, so I end up killing them with sun lotion instead. Four lines of coke, two for each of us, we fuck half-heartedly but high enough. You come, I don’t. I scream with your dick inside me. Looking over the dark rice field. The moon hasn’t risen yet. You need to leave. High alone. High alone looking over the dark rice field three palm trees on the right hand side watching, the red moon rises, the half red moon rises over the dark rice field, whilst the little frog climbs into my room, you long forgotten. But you still remembered. Whenever I see a red moon rising I think about our phone call last year in Spain. I was in Spain. You were in Berlin. I’m sitting on my rooftop in Palma, my rented airbnb rooftop, where I stayed with Judie, the ex-wife of a famous British cannabis dealer. Several tons he had smuggled at the height of his career. I’m sitting on her rooftop, the rooftop of the apartment she had bought with the money of writing her husband’s biography, I sit there and decide to give you a call again. You still love me. I still love you. The red moon rising over Palma bay. The red moon rising over the peninsula in Porto Pollenca. When my mother and my aunts would sit late into the night on the terrace, drinking gin and tonics and playing scrabble. One night they all cried over the early death of their mother. My mum was only 13. It’s always the same moon. 2 8 1 4 playing in the back. I’m dreaming of being in North East Asia. Tokyo. Osaka. Shanghai. Hongkong. Maybe Taipei. I’d go even to Bangkok. The crickets are roaring in the background. Soon the frogs will start. They usually go off past midnight. 

So geil einfach allein hier sitzen zu können. Aufs dunkel Meer zu kucken. Mir flossen spontan, leicht angedichtet zu kaufen. Morgen wird geschnorchelt. Ich will mich mit dem octopus hier am beach vorne anfreunden, wie in der Netflix doku. 

We would spend full days entirely together without having a single conversation. Running from attraction to attraction in O’s self guided Roller Coaster Tycoon drama. In moments of silence he would make cute sounds without conveying any meaning and I would chime in to fill the void. I was fucking high. High on fucking, high on hormones, high on this endless rush of searching paid-for adventures. O’s theme park, O’s circus, O’s spiel and scheme and play. He was always naked lounging with his ice cream in one of the many hotel beds we slept in watching Japanese YouTube. He called that work. Digital nomads all the way from CNX to DPS. Lounging, chasing, rushing, one yoga pose at a time. No clue who O really was.   

from 2017

Subzero. 5ter stock, after hour bei Linus. Linus kommt aus Hamburg und hat ein ungewöhnlich großes Apartment für jemanden der noch studiert und nebenher nicht arbeitet. Man kann gut auf dem Boden liegen wenn man total fertig und weggespacet ist. Damals haben wir 4FA und 2CB genommen. Irgendwelche research chemicals. Und koks. Ich wohne nur drei Häuser weiter und einmal hab ich es geschafft Pablo nach der after zu mir zu schleppen. Wir ficken nicht, aber halt alles andere drum rum. Trotzdem nicht auf meiner Liste. Sonst wäre die ja noch länger. Dann wären da auch die costa ricaner drauf und die Frauen mit denen ich nicht penetrative Sex hatte. Pablo ist danach eingeschlafen, morgens war er dann verwirrt darüber wo er gerade ist um dann wieder zurück in den fünften Stock, zu neuen Drogen, neuem Sound zu flüchten. Schnell.