“let’s pretend that we don’t know what happened

and in the end we’ll close the door

like a nonsense metaphor

we will disguise what we ignore

and I’ll love you”

I have no where private to put my feelings. My mom went thru all my things while I was in the hospital. But I need to write so I can bring things up in therapy. No one irl follows me here. I’m going to journal here now. When talking to therapists and the limited people in my circle who I’ve opened up to about this I tell it in the full truth but I’m tired of doing that. He has not been fair to me. He is not telling the whole truth. If he were then people would be disappointed in him. I am tired of extending that courtesy when he is being unfair to me. He will not admit to accusing me of stealing his water bottle to give to someone. He will not admit to the things he did that hurt me deeply. I’m telling my own perspective for me. I need to stop making excuses for him because he doesn’t love me and I can’t love him anymore. When I stop loving him then the pain will stop and when the pain stops is when I will start to heal.

I’ve hit that anger part of grieving I think. I’ve been in denial for so long but after some time thinking, a lot of things hit me. He deserves to be mad at me for what I did last week. But not for being sad and not being able to clearly express my feelings and thought processes pre attempt. People who are depressed, especially due to traumatizing and private things, aren’t intentionally blowing you off. I never once was intentionally trying to make him feel unloved and I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping him out of it. He doesn’t trust me for that? After he did nothing but push boundaries and break my trust directly? It’s backwards. He wants to be a psychologist but won’t take the time to recognize real life scenarios. It’s lazy. He gave up. I’m really mad because he unadded me on some things, blocked me on some things, told me he didn’t want to talk to me again but then he still looked at my story yesterday AFTER HE UNFOLLOWED. make it make sense? I’m blocking him now! He was cruel to me a week ago. He was cruel to drive me to his house to make us sit outside and string me on even longer. He was cruel to have packed my things weeks ago and still bother acting like he had to think about what he wanted. He was cruel to follow me and try to catch me in lies when I was honest. He was cruel to spend our whole anniversary date acting like I was an inconvenience and a bother. I have never felt so unloved. He said he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. He can’t talk to me anymore. But he looks at my story. He ignores every ounce of communication I tried to give to explain things. He weaponized silence against me. He broke up with me. But he thinks he has a right to look at the things I post. He thinks he has a right to see things going on in my life when he made a huge effort to ignore me and hurt me in ways he knew would hurt me.

I’m mad about it

I’m angry that I bought myself an anniversary present because he didn’t get me anything and then he went and told everyone that I was spending a lot of money. I’m angry that he didn’t mention I bought him concert tickets and an album that day. I’m angry that he didn’t mention that he didn’t get me anything. I’m angry for him acting like I am the only one in the wrong. I’m angry that he strung me along. I’m angry that he can’t even be there to face me when I get my things. I’m angry that he pretended to want me still when he knew he was done with me. I’m angry that he didn’t hear me out when I was being so genuine and making such an effort to show him what I would do for us- I’m angry he didn’t cut me off and say that it was just over.