Scatastic

Had building work done at my house today, which meant big, hot, burly construction workers. This builder, built like a bear and as hairy as one too, knocks at my door to say he's here to start work, and asks to use my loo.

One of the best part's of my house's layout, is that my room is right next to the toilet, so I heard everything! The desperate farts as he unbuckled his belt, the splatter of his mud slides hitting the water, his sighs of relief as his hole opened to relieve the pressure he had obviously been building up all morning. I could barely contain myself for the whole time he was in there. I wondered what would have happened had I made him wait another second at the door. I almost wish I had.

The strange (and best) part was that though I could hear him doing what came naturally, I didn't hear him flush before he came out.

"Thanks bud," he shouts into my room, "Maybe give it a few minutes, if I were you." He winked almost knowingly.

"Better out than in I always say." I winked back, trying to hint my pleasure to lend him my loo.

"Yeah," he laughed back, "Tell you what, I fucking needed that. Had been holding that monster in for like an hour. Glad I took my own van in today, could shoot out a couple farts to relieve pressure."

"Don't worry mate, I'm no prude." I reassured him, letting out my own fart to bond with him. "Toilet's there if you need it again."

"Be careful what you wish for!" he winked again, as he walked out to get to work.

I went to go myself after a couple minutes, having a bit of the bubble guts. I opened the lid and was greeted to the monster dump he took just then. The smell overpowered me. I wanted to savour that moment but needed to release, and I didn't want to use my diaper in case I misread the situation. So I let it all out in the porcelain, and "forgot" to flush.

A couple hours later, the builder came back to say the work was done, and asked to use the toilet again. Another round of farts and plops, though it sounded a lot more solid than last time. When he finished, he came out and exclaimed:

"I guess no-one taught you if it's brown, flush it down!" he bellowed. I turned red, having thought I misread his intentions. "You know, for a skinny guy, you shit big! I'm guessing it won't be long til I'm back to fix your plumbing!"

Seeing I had turned red, he cut another loud, bassy fart to cut the tension. "Don't worry mate, I'd wanna show off a hall of fame shit like that if I produced that! I'll leave you too it. Here's my number if you need any more work done."

When he left, I went into the toilet and saw he had let it mellow once again. When the invoice came through, I fully well made sure to leave a massive tip.

"Thanks for coming to see me this morning. As you know, our company is going through restructure, and unfortunately your current role is no longer needed. However, there is an exciting new position that I think you should apply for: Senior Executive Toilet.

Now I've received many a complaint about the state I've been leaving the bathrooms in - you know, I can't help that these cheap porcelain thrones can't handle my beast-y dumps. So I figured, it would certainly save us on all the emergency plumbers we've had to fork out for this year. Not to mention all that money we could save on TP.

To start with you'd just be reporting to me, but once you're fully trained, you will be arranging waste management for the entire senior management team. We can't have you taking breaks during work hours in case of... emergencies, but as your new uniform will consist of a pair of pampers and nothing else, I think you'll cope.