Noah Kahan
oozey mess
#extradirty
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YOU ARE THE REASON
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@sbforgotten
Been doing a lot better lately. Took a break from brain dumping to see if I would be okay and so far so good. Things still suck in some departments. Still hurts to think about certain people. Maybe one day it won't hurt at all... but at least I can say I never stop caring.
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Feeling hated for having feelings or caring about someone feels like the most confusing and mentally damaging thing.
I wish people knew that the month of June is the worst month for me. It contains 2 days that forever will feel like a nightmare and it ruins the whole month for me. I always become angry and bitter but at the same time just crave for someone to notice me and help me. But I dont seem to have anyone and in my need for people I end up pushing them away.
This month marks 6 years since my best friend passed away. It also contains his birthday. He passed away early in the month and then his birthday is late in the month. Makes it hard to just grieve once during the month.
We used to always do stuff on his Birthday and I miss that. I miss having a friend who understood what I struggle with and why. Instead I just feel like a bother to anyone and everyone now and that fucks with my head even more because I cant talk to him about it.
Im trying my best. But im running out of ways to help myself and I just kinda wish someone would come along and help me. Usually I never ask for help and am the one that helps others. Usually thats enough to make me feel okay... but something really feels wrong for me.
Been distracting myself as much as possible lately. Still not anywhere close to 100%. Trying my best though. I know I can't undo things and have to live with whatever happens. Doesn't mean I like it. Sucks caring so deeply for people when you don't even feel like a thought in their mind. Just gotta give it time. Maybe one day I can make up for everything ive ever done wrong.
This morning I realized something I wish I would have sooner. It's my own fault. I've always seemed to value what I don't have over what I do. Two of the biggest examples are things I will never be able to change.
Part of the reason I struggle to this day is because of something my best friend did. He slept with my girlfriend when he said they were just "studying" for their chemistry exam. A few years after that I still had a vengeful mind/heart. I tried to sabotage his a relationship he had with a girl he really cared for because I wanted him to feel the same way I did. It didn't work and I was happy it didn't because she was a really nice person. Sadly I found out later on that he sabotaged 3 of my potential relationships shortly after. The one thing I never considered was I valued the relationship stuff over his friendship and if I had just focused on the friendship stuff maybe things would have turned out better. I still count him as my best friend because that's what he was, even through thick and thin we still had each other's backs and I miss him every single day.
The second was with my friend Bryssa. She was someone I really liked and my quest to date her was essentially what destroyed our friendship. A few years after I had reached out to make amends with her and I had met her at her work. We apologized to each other and made plans to meet up when she had free time. The next day she tragically passed in a car accident and I've never really forgiven myself for the time I missed being her friend.
That brings me to my current situation. There is a person who I love and care for very much. I know I do because the thought of them not being in my life or just despiseing me the way I think they do is enough to make my mind and heart twist. But just like these other situations I value their friendship more than anything and I'm trying my best and I don't want to realize that when it's too late....
I dont know if the person will even read this, i hope they do. I've made mistakes. I can't say I won't make any more mistakes. But if you can find it in your heart to forgive me once again. Find it in your heart to maybe meet and talk things out. It would mean the world to me.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I wish your name wasn't like a song to me. This way I could forget the lyrics and move on.
Ive been having your name on repeat in my head, it doesn't go away. My dreams are filled with you and I wake with headaches. I don't know how to get you to notice or understand. Im trying to just be your friend but its not everything that I want. There are so many things about you that I love. I love how intelligent you are, i love how nerdy you are, i love when you laugh and hide your smile in your sleeve, i love when you sing and how creative you are, and i love the blue of your eyes. I hope you know I use this place as a way to get my thoughts out. If I didnt id be 6ft under by now.
Overall, i just wish you noticed me the way I notice you.
How do you go about telling someone you love them without scaring them off? I know it's a strong word, I was just always taught that when you love someone you should tell them because you never know when you won't be able to.
I think about this person often and every single time I feel this pit in my stomach. Its this empty feeling of just wanting them around but knowing they aren't. I've been trying to decipher if I actually love them or if I love the thought of them. So far this is what I have come to the conclusion on.
1. Even though it's really been a long time since I've seen them, when I was around them recently it was like the time away was never there. Her smile was all I strived for and her eyes were all I wanted to look it.
2. Making her laugh and smile brought me so much happiness and I really haven't been happy in a long time.
3. When we weren't in the safest of situations or at least a situation that felt off recently, the first thought in my head was "protect her, no matter the cost of your own life, make sure she is safe"
4. I genuinely feel on top of the world when she is around, she is such an incredible beautiful and intelligent human with a heart of gold. I'm lucky to have her as a friend. I just wish it were more than that.
In summary, I'd sacrifice myself to make sure this human has everything she needs in life. Her happiness outweighs my own and I wish I could spend more time with her.
Why does it seem the harder I try to be noticed by people the more lonely I end up feeling. Is it because im not important? Did someone wish something upon me to make sure I always feel alone?
Have you ever realized that youre still in love with someone and there's nothing you can do about it? I've had this pit in my stomach all day and all I want is to scream from the top of a mountain about it.
I'm just so fuckin tired.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I used to be loved by so many people. These days it feels like im alone in everything. Can't share my passions with anyone, can't share my day with anyone, can't explore and see the world with anyone. I'm lost and nobody wants to help me to safety. I wish I was comfortable in my loneliness, maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad.
"Stuck in a world obsessed with perfection"
Sounds like a good time to me.
Life just isn't what I expected it to be at this point. I feel stuck, I reach out for help and nobody is there. I used to have so many people in my corner and now it none. Maybe I did things to push people away, idk. I just hope one day people will understand that I've changed a lot.
As of this moment I just don't want to exist cuz im tired of this feeling that's deep inside of me. It makes me wish that I could change places with my best friend... at least if he were still alive he wouldn't feel like a waste of space or a nuisance. He would have had everyone in his corner and more.
Maybe im too hard on myself... or maybe I just need to stop caring about people who treat me like I don't exist. Easier said than done I guess.
