The idea of Batman just injuring a rogue just enough that a young Robin can come pick him off like one of those lions on a nature doc, is so funny to me. Like Bats knows that his apprentice needs a confidence boost and to hone their skills but he's not about yo put the little bird in danger so Batman will take down a rogue, injure them enough that they will put up a fight but Robin won't be in too much danger and can "take the guy down". I'm just imagining Batman taking down somebody like Killer Croc who is like "Bats? Where are you going? Aren't you taking me to Arkham?" for Batman to reply that he will in due time but Robin needs to practise. And Waylon just accepts this because he's also a father and he tells Bats that he's "doing a good job" with Robin. Bats grapples himself out of there, waiting in the shadows while Robin swoops in and takes down Killer Croc.
And of course, some Gothamite records this and it gets memed to hell. They even get somebody to imitate Sir David Attenborough to narrate the scene.
Fake Attenborough: And here we have the more colourful offspring of the Bat, closing in on their prey. With lightning quick skill, the Robin has attacked. The Croc has no chance. The Bat looks on as its young takes down the struggling Croc.
Batman *jumping into the alley*: Good work, Robin
Fake Attenborough: A proud father Bat will now drag away their catch where the GCPD will pick over the scraps like the scavengers they are.
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The Riddler probably has such an up and down relationship with the Robins because they all tend to tackle things differently and he’s always so thrown by how they handle his riddles.
The Riddler: To free Batman from my trap, you must answer this riddle, little bird. I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with wind. What am I?
Dick, eight years old and freshly Robin: *thinking really hard*
The Riddler looking at Batman dangling upside down: ?
Batman: He just needs an extra minute.
The Riddler:
Batman: English isn’t his first langauge.
The Riddler, feeling a little bad: oh, that’s… take your time, buddy.
Jason, twelve years old: *lifting a hand*
The Riddler: -uh, yes?
Jason: Can you repeat that? The riddle?
The Riddler: um, yeah, sure. I have cities, but no houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?
Jason: Yeah, you’re a map but when you’re talking about multiple species of fish, which you probably are, you can say fishes. If you’re using fish, you’re only talking about one species.
The Riddler:
Jason: I just think you should know that. You know as a “genius”
The Riddler: The more you take, the more you -
Tim: Footsteps, where’s Batman?
The Riddler: No, you have to let me-
Tim: Nuh-uh
The Riddler: The fuck do you mean “nuh-uh”? Who raised you?
Tim, on two hours sleep, with two essays due on this fine Thursday night: *fucking launches himself at The Riddler*
The Riddler: I wear a mask but not to hide,
Steph: It's you. You're the answer.
The Riddler: You have to let me finish.
Steph, mimicking him: YOu HaVE tO LEt mE FIniSH
The Riddler: I have-
Damian: *launches himself at the Riddler*
The Riddler: Batman, fuck, FUCK, he’s fucking biting me-
Interviewer, catching Damian in costume: Robin! Can you explain the process of picking up Robin or passing on the mantle?
Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.
Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.
Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.
Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.
Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.
Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.
-
Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?
Dick, who has no idea what she's taking about: Yeah, it's really scary. His jaw unhinges like a snake.
Au where nobody tells 10 year old Damian who Jason is. And the way they talk about him, Damian just assumes Jason is like a raccoon or something.
Damian: Grayson, why does Pennyworth leave food on the counter every night?
Dick, on his phone, not even paying attention: Oh, that's for Jason.
Damian: For 'Jason'?
Dick: Yeah. Sometimes he sneaks into the kitchen at night, so Alfred started leaving food out for him.
Damian, confused: I've never seen anyone here.
Dick: Well he doesn't always come. And last time, Bruce caught him crawling through the window and scared him away so, who knows when he'll show up again.
Damian, definitely thinking of a raccoon: So then Pennyworth is feeding a random stray that crawled out of God knows where?
Dick, annoyed: He's not a 'random stray', Damian, he's family, and he has been living in this house for way longer than you have.
Damian, trying to remember how long do raccoons live for:
Damian: I hope he doesn't die soon.
Dick: ????!!
*Later that night in the Bat-cave*
Tim, typing away in the computer:
Damian: Drake. Have you ever met Jason?
Tim: Uh. Stupid, annoying and looks like a skunk? Yes, why?
Damian, picturing a mix between a racoon and a skunk:
Damian: Is he friendly?
Tim: Well, the first time I met him, he attacked me, so...
Damian: Hmm... What did you do to provoke him?
Tim: What did I do to– Bitch–
Tim: Nothing! He just didn't like me taking 'what was his', or something.
Damian, nodding: You invaded his territory.
*The next day*
Damian: Father, when do you think Jason will visit again? I want to meet him.
Bruce: Um. I don't know, Damian. He doesn't come here often.
Damian: Why?
Bruce: Because he lives somewhere else.
Damian: Why doesn't he just live here with us instead? He would be safer.
Bruce, wincing: I don't think he would like that, Damian. He's not confortable here.
Damian: But, maybe if I befriend him I could convince him to stay.
Bruce, sighing: I don't think so, Damian. You have to respect his space.
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“Perhaps it’s the food, perhaps it’s the comfort of having a fan again, perhaps it’s that strange lightness Shen Qingqiu feels, but he finds himself calm in this crowded dining room.” x
commission for @redketchup of a scene from their fic “A Cat Beneath the Wintersweet Bush” on Ao3, linked here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/63628285/chapters/163085311
Wei Wuxian inherited many things from his mother, but he got his father's hair, thick, long, lustrous and silky. His hair has always been longer than most and darker than midnight. He doesn't want to cut it, but hates it coming onto his face, on his hands on his sword while he's doing anything, THUS, ✨he braids it✨.
It's a long thick braid, reaching below his thighs and sitting on his shoulders without his permission. Whenever he turns around or is sword drilling, it swishes behind him like it has a life of it's own.
Bonus: wwx in braid is many people's gay / straight awakening. Jc and yzh has to keep away suiters (and creeps) behind wwx , cuz he's oblivious to other's crush on him. As he's busy looking at lwj 🙃
"Lan-xiong," Nie Huaisang says one afternoon, while Lan Wangji is trying to meditate in the courtyard behind the Yashi. "There's something you ought to know before the guest disciples get here."
Lan Wangji squints at him.
"What is it?" he says flatly. Knowing Nie Huaisang as he does, he guesses that Huaisang intends to relay some piece of gossip; but as telling tales about others is strictly forbidden in the Cloud Recesses, Nie Huaisang ought to know better than to attempt such a thing before the clan's Head of Discipline.
"It's about Yunmeng Jiang," Nie Huaisang says.
"What about Yunmeng Jiang?" Lan Wangji has had little to do with the cultivators of Yunmeng Jiang, but he doubts that a class of their most talented disciples could cause much trouble at the lectures. "Have Jiang-zongzhu's daughter and her shidimei decided not to come?"
Nie Huaisang waves his fan in dismissal. "Oh, nothing so serious as that. It's only—well, have you heard of Wei Wuxian?"
"Briefly. He is Jiang-zongzhu's head disciple, is he not?"
The aforementioned Wei Wuxian's instatement as head disciple was an occasion of some note in the Jianghu, Lan Wangji remembers. For one thing, Wei Wuxian is not a bloodline member of the clan: though this is not so uncommon amongst the latest generation of head disciples, especially in sects where clan disciples are not the majority. For another, Wei Wuxian was apparently disfavored by his shimu from the day Jiang Fengmian first brought him to Lotus Pier at the age of five—and when the news of his appointment reached Lanling Jin last year, there was a great deal of murmuring about how Yu Ziyuan had taken it.
"He is the head disciple," Nie Huaisang says gravely, "but that is of no importance here. The trouble is—oh, it's just a word, don't look like that—is that Wei-gongzi is a calamitous beauty, and his shidimen wrote to me asking whether the Cloud Recesses would be willing to assist in his protection during the lectures."
He holds out a letter and passes it to Lan Wangji. "Here. Jiang-xiong explained everything."
Much to Lan Wangji's regret, the letter's contents are exactly as Nie Huaisang described them. Apparently, Wei Wuxian—referred to in the letter as da-shixiong, as it had been penned by Jiang Wanyin and his biaodi Yu Zhenhong—is both too handsome for his own good and dangerously charming; and as a result, Jiang Wanyin professes, his shixiong leaves a trail of broken hearts wherever he goes.
The last time we visited Lanling—which we would not have done if we had any choice, but the fact of my sister's betrothal ensured that we had precious little say in the matter—five of Jin Zixuan's cousins came to blows at the sight of my shige, each insisting that she and no other would be engaged to him in the future, Jiang Wanyin writes. One of the girls jilted her intended on the spot, vowing that she no longer wished to see him again as long as Wei Wuxian walked the earth; and her intended tore off the yaopei she had gifted him and flung it into the nearest koi pond before declaring that she need not worry about keeping their engagement, for he no longer had any love for her and now wished to bring our da-shixiong into his clan as a bride.
Lan Wangji looks up in dismay. "What?"
"Read on," Nie Huaisang advises grimly. "It gets worse."
Yesterday, he stole a flower from a local bun-girl and went to market with the bloom behind his ear; and later, we received news that the sight of him caused six carriages, nine produce wagons, and two riders on horseback to crash when he stopped to cross the street. He returned home after buying all the ruined produce and helping the women who were bruised in the melee, without the slightest idea that it only occurred because the driver of the first carriage was blinded by the sunlight reflected upon his hair; and the next morning, Fuqin received so many petitioners asking for Wei Wuxian's hand in marriage that he hung a sign at the gates to announce that he would entertain no suitors until after Wei Wuxian comes of age.
"Guanyin in heaven," Lan Wangji hears himself croak, stunned. "How—?"
Nie Huaisang shrugs. "If you ask me, it's the hair."
Lan Wangji shakes his head and looks back down at the letter in disbelief.
Thus, it is my hope that you will inform the second Young Master Lan about the two latest incidents, and impress upon him the importance of restraint in the Lan disciples—and in all the others who will come to study under Lan-laoshi—well before we arrive. (This passage is written in a more graceful hand, likely Yu Zhenhong's.) Our seventh shimei once fell off the pier and into the lake because da-shixiong smiled at her, and no trouble came of it because Lingxi-shimei is a strong swimmer; but if Lan-laoshi's disciples keep falling down the mountain because da-shixiong braided his hair instead of putting it up, someone might truly end up coming to harm.
"This beggars belief," Lan Wangji says doubtfully. "Can one man truly...?"
"I've seen him," Nie Huaisang replies. "And yes. Keep reading."
"'And if it would not be too much trouble,'" Lan Wangji reads aloud, "'please also consult Lan-er-gongzi or Zewu-jun on the subject of da-shixiong's safety.' Safety?"
Nie Huaisang winces. "Wei-xiong is very lovely to look upon," he offers, "and from his dress, it is not always clear that he has the backing of a great sect. Some men do not take well to being told no by a beauty."
"And by some men, you mean the men of Lanling Jin?"
"One never knows where such dangers may come from," Nie Huaisang tells him. "But if you ask me, you ought to keep an eye on the Jins anyway. Apart from Jin Zixuan, I doubt there's a single man in this year's course who doesn't hate Wei Wuxian for enchanting all the Jin girls."
Lan Wangji nods and rises to his feet. "I will handle this matter," he says decisively, turning towards the open door to the Lanshi. "You write back to Jiang-gongzi, and inform him that the Cloud Recesses will be duly prepared for his shige's arrival."
The Lan disciples are prepared accordingly; for over the next week, Lan Wangji orders all the male disciples between fifteen and twenty-five to copy the sect precepts concerning restraint, and ensures that none of the maiden disciples over the age of twelve will have cause to meet Wei Wuxian save for his own sect sisters. Fortunately for everyone concerned, Wei-gongzi is said to be twice as brilliant as he is beautiful: which means that Shufu is easily persuaded to place him in the advanced lectures reserved for disciples who would be hampered by study with the rest of their age-mates. Lan Wangji is the sole male disciple allowed to attend those lectures; so for much of his time at the Cloud Recesses, Wei Wuxian's only classmates will be a pair of married women and Lan Wangji himself.
Lan Wangji thinks better of the arrangement three weeks later, when he is carried to the infirmary after meeting Wei Wuxian on the mountain path and falling thirty feet into a copse of trees below.
"I'm so sorry. Lan-er-gongzi, I'm really sorry," Wei Wuxian gasps, gripping Lan Wangji's clenched fists as Xiongzhang and one of the healers set his broken legs at the other end of the bed. "You can hold on as tightly as you like, all right? Zewu-jun is nearly finished."
Lan Wangji closes his eyes tightly.
"What have I done?" he hears Wei Wuxian mutter to himself. "I'm so clumsy. I'll look after you until you're better again, second Young Master, just say the word and I—"
"Lan Zhan."
Lan Wangji feels his brother's fingers twitch against his knee.
"What?"
"Not—not Lan-er-gongzi," Lan Wangji wheezes. "You may call me Lan Zhan."
Wei Wuxian beams at him with tears brimming at the corners of his eyes. "You're not angry?"
"No."
His eyes fall shut again, provoking a sound of utter desolation from Wei Wuxian. "Here, I'll take that ribbon off," Wei Wuxian says soothingly, his rough hands stroking Lan Wangji's hot forehead. "Your ears are burning up. You'll feel better as soon as it's gone."
At the foot of the bed, Lan Xichen makes a choking sound: but Lan Wangji cannot bring himself to care.
"Mm," Lan Wangji sighs, smiling. "Thank you, Young Master Wei."
In my head I am constantly thinking about a canon divergence AU where Wei Wuxian writes a letter about some talisman related questions to Lan Qiren a year before the classes at Cloud Recesses. Even if Lan Qiren is reluctant at first and immediately sends WWX all the Lan Clan rules they form a sort of mentorship/friendship via letters.
When WWX is climbing over the walls and Lan Wangji finds him it is actually because him and LQR are testing the Lan wards. If WWX manages to break in and find more flaws in the wards LQR said he gets to keep the emperor's smile. That's why WWX first words to LWJ are "You're not supposed to be here"
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FLY is a story about a boy who gets a second chance. Help his story take flight June 9th 11am EST on Kickstarter. Thank you for being the wind beneath my wings I hope this story lifts the world to a brighter place.
A coming of age story about Black kids who finally have power to fight back against systems designed against them.
