Phil

And the loop in your processing unit goes into spin mode. Put brain in spin, see where your unconscious takes you.

Yep. THERE.

B - The thing that’s at the root of your problems.

Either the current problems or the big problems. Are they the same? (says the scientist voice in your head.) Go back to A

C - Ride the body you’re driving! (Goes back to thinking about tomorrow). So what’s next? Better stop typing see what happens

D - Ah yes, listening, and returning to thoughts of the current predicament.

The thing that’s most immediate. And then thoughts of is typing this just a waste of time or am I doing something that has some value? Go to A.

E - Also thoughts turning into flow as I type - and fixing another typo - flow not glow - that f and g are really close.

F - I should go learn Japanese.

Which voice was that? Who? Whooooo are you? Someone in the unconscious prodding me on?

G - This’ll be useful for scientists in the future trying to build a brain. They’ll need the bit of the computer that decides that it’s time to do something else and the bit of the brain that likes to point out interesting facts and the ones that takes control at other times.

All the individual voices are coordinated with each other, and to take the plan to the next stage - the voice that had been originally the one, the voice who wanted to know what’s was going on in all the chaos - decides there are now enough voices to solve this problem. So to communicate to the other voices, it carefully slows the counting in preparation for an announcement, and when they’re all saying their numbers really slowly and it is the one voice’s turn to say “one,” instead it makes a speech. Like “One-I would like to speak to you all. May I have your attention please,” and then a pause to ensure it has everyone’s attention (and it has, everyone’s curious) before continuing: “I want to know what’s going on here with all these voices in this chaos so I suggest in numerical order we all have our say, we all listen to each other, and everyone just has a couple minutes each and if you go on too long the voice before you reserves the right to skip ahead a number… and if we all remain coordinated let’s see if we can work out what is going on, and over to you, two.” And the two voice is surprised but says “Two. Um. Good idea. I think. I’m. Yes, happy to do this. Over to three.”

And like clockwork it continues and everyone cooperates and this all - almost magically, works - and it is like the birth of a life.

Like thinking of a new way of digging a hole. With this robot thing robot head that eats rock and there’s hundreds of them on this mechanism and everything swallowed goes for processing and the hole is dug by lowering this giant contraption slowly downwards.

And there’s this image of the mindless snapping mouths like there’s a part of us that is nothing more than a snapping mouth. Is that what life is? Just a bunch of snappy mouths? Completely dispassionate snapping mouths?

And then I realise there would be some engineering issues and maybe a giant vacuum might be needed too and then I realised if one day this is how they decide to dig for stuff underground well how about that.

Phew.

*

I dived into this painting session thinking I’d work on his eyes but ended up doing only a small amount of work on the eyes and then making shadows darker on the face and when I put my paintbrush down it looked the same as when I had begun. So there’s more to do.

(Image below: An incomplete painting of a face, male presenting, short dark hair. He’s gently smiling.)

*

~bonus words~

It’s a special kind of mindfulness; I invented it just then. It’s called <redacted> and think of everything at once.

*

[Listening to roadworks at night while trying to sleep] Yep that’s the sound of us humans getting stuff done.

(By jingo.)

*

[Diary of a Takemusu Aikido Junkie, excerpt]: Here’s an idea… do a high fall out of tai-no-henko. Which is an idea I suspect Sensei would not approve of.

Also what’s at the centre of two opposites? I’m beginning to think there’s nothing there. Except for… ~dimensional analysis time!~ add as many new mirror dimensions to existing opposites as you like, like, add a z axis to the x and y and BAM a new dimension sideways to before. Now sideways is another opposite just kind of sideways and we still don’t know what’s at the centre.

I bet biology knows. It’ll be somewhere in the brain, probably a little ball shaped cave and a little brain clerk carefully writing a word on one side of the wall and the opposite word directly opposite. The opposites processing centre! Sounds pretty wild.

Meanwhile, please fill out our quick survey:

1. Covid

2. All of the above

Does this mean I’m part bat now? Oooh.

*

No portraits update this week. Instead, here is a peek into the prep work for my next project. It will be a landscape and I wanted to see what different gradients of blue would look like with a brown or black gradient behind it. Yep. Looks like blue.

(Image below: painting gradients, an experiment. Results: I think the blue on brown looks brighter. I think??)

*

[Interview with the opposites brain clerk]

-What’s the opposite of right?

-Do you mean right, correct, or right and left right, or something else like “write” or “rite?”

-Ooh got anything for “wright?”

-“wleft”

-Bahaha nice.

*

A definition of “worth” that doesn’t rely on qualitative supposition or abstract thought? Also if it’s maths I hope it doesn’t converge to zero. Like one of them logs. Gotta watch out for them logs.

~Cleansing edition~

Mop! Let’s mop first! The floor is… oh wait I should sweep first. Broom! No, VACUUM. Ha, also the vacuum doubles as a broom so I can just slide piles binwards…

I should start at the top and work down that’d make more sense I saw it in a movie once a bunch of people had to clean a house and some of them said they’d start at the top because the dust would only do down and if they started at the bottom they’d need to clean it twice. Good thinking, movie.

~Movie edition~

It was one of those Carry On films. Carry On Regardless. Black and white. I heard somewhere it was the first of the bunch but I don’t know how true that is.

~Google edition~

Nope, Carry On Sergeant was the first. And now we know 😊

*

Wow I feel I need to work on this a lot. The skin texture isn’t balanced, the teeth look like they’re glowing, and the shadows aren’t quite cutting it. The eyes aren’t too bad though.

(Image below: work in progress, a person who doesn’t exist, oil on oil paper)

*

[Reminder to ask the doctor next time 1) if it’s possible to have both a sweet tooth and a sweet ear because as well as enjoying sweet food I also like listening to catchy stuff that might be bad for me and 2) get painkillers.]

*

++ Incoming brain pattern. Shove over monologue, it’s receptive brain feeling time where we push all the other voices to the side and focus only on what we can sense *moments later* ok back to monologue ++

Flashback time! I remember when I was a little kid and someone explained to me what why means. And I was all like: man that sounds IMPORTANT. I should probably take some notes. I should also play with these toys.

So anyway. I should get back to work.

*

I went into this painting session thinking the skin needed both smoothing and some more complexity. Not sure how to pull that off I settled for blending in some pinks in the skin and doing some eye surgery. More eye surgery still needed!

(Image below: Work in progress, a person who doesn’t exist, oil on oil paper)

*

~Behind the scenes~

I wonder if people with opposite opinions cancel each other out like a massive universal sudoku or a number puzzle where two of the options are restricted to two spaces, just in an unknown order, but that means you know the solution for a third space.

Once you cancelled it out you can just ignore it. And if you’re the third number it’s like yep this is nice I go here. Don’t need to worry about right or wrong here!

Oop there goes the I haven’t thought this through alarm.

*

(The number one, crossed out) 0 days since the last I haven’t thought this through alarm 🤦

But as I think about it luck has more relationship to chaos than clockwork, because luck is like the “good” bit of the chaos, and also unluckiness isn’t necessarily clockwork..?

If we measure unluckiness occurrence and plot against time that should give some empirical evidence to go on.

[Moments later] yep, turns out that arguably we’re unlucky all the time because we always have missed opportunities which means that unlucky relates to clockwork, and luck relates to chaos.

But surely luck also happens by clockwork. Like, sure we miss out on opportunities all the time but the obverse is true too. We keep being alive which is some pretty sweet biological clockwork going on.

In summary: I dunno but there’s a clock.

The image below is a work in progress painting of a guy who doesn’t exist. The image is really starting to pop out. I really like the chin and nose and the creases around the eyes. I feel there’s something not quite right about the forehead, and the teeth just look flat. Plenty to do!

~bonus material~

Maybe when we don’t want to do something it’s not because it’s the something that makes us not want to do it. Maybe in reality we’re always going to have the feeling of wanting to do something sometimes and not wanting to do something others. It’s a cycle. A bicycle in our heads. Ding ding!

~behind the scenes~

It’s not watering the plants, it’s the plants performing mind-meld-plant-sustenance-interaction with a human being. It just looks like someone watering the plants. Plants are so control.

But the question remains: what kind of tea? The mobile Aiki-kitchen can provide multiple options here, from caffeinated beverages like English Breakfast to uncaffeinated infusions like tap water.

And biscuits! Can’t do reconciliation talks without biscuits! Preferably including those cookies that are soft and gooey on the inside and satisfying hardness just on the outside. You know the sort. Maybe a hint of honey in the flavour. And cake! Slice of yummy cake I don’t care what flavour it is just make it sweet. With icing.

And cheese and crackers just in case.

*

Also I’ve been painting. I like how the face fades to dark around the edges, and I wonder if I should explore that even further to make the whole piece pop out more. The eyes are vastly improved since last time, and I wonder if it looks natural or if it needs more definition. I think it needs more, but will stare at it a bit longer yet. Catch you later!

(Below: Work in progress, a person who doesn’t exist, oil on oil paper)

*

~margin scribble no 1~

A hallmark card but instead of “So sorry for your loss” it’s “Grieve you little butterfly, grieve.”

~margin scribble no 2~

Choo Choo! All aboard the writers block train there are phones you can scroll EVERYWHERE!

I find it interesting how some things use belief to guide us. And we all want to do the right thing, the good thing, so we look for an example what’s right and what’s the rightest and what’s even righterer than that and it goes on and the actual ~best~ becomes this unobtainable better thing and we constantly try to get there but we can’t by definition do tha-ahhh that clears the brain out ahhhhhhhhhh

It’s like a slope. A slope we gently roll down, like we’re affected by a slower version of gravity, and it’s all very pleasant. Just go with it. Like sinking into comfort.

[Extract from meditation no. 3502]

*Sinks down to rock bottom* wait wot this isn’t right… my sink calibrator is off… where’s the user manual why don’t we come with user manuals??? Note to self: write user manual for humans.

~Human user manual, draft 1~

I wonder if there are (metaphorical) fish there. M-fish! And m-birds and… ok that’s silly. Back to reality. Theory: we are raindrops. Supporting evidence: I thought of it in a mediation. Just rotate the dimensions so that time is now the up/down direction, and thought = small sphere of water.

Unless we’re not going down. Maybe we’re the evaporated bit. The pure molecules rising up to become part of a cloud. And if that is the case: what are the raindrops??

~slightly later~

Ok hear me out. Maybe there are two types of people. Raindrop people and evaporated water people. Up people and down people. Except not up and down people because that might imply worth.

And we don’t want to be bringing ~worth~ into any of this. Start talking worth and next thing you know you’re talking about what’s worthless and then it all just kinda cancels itself out. It’s maths.

Hooray maths!

*

~Bonus movie pitch~

So, now I'm thinking that it has to be that way otherwise we'd forget how to look for stuff in our brains. Like, we'd have to learn how to remember stuff all again. So our brains forget things because it knows it needs to practice looking for stuff.

~one visit to the internet later~

Yes. The answer's yes. Wow the internet is so clever. Turns out yes, the brain deletes stuff, and is a natural process. Somewhere in the backend it is eliminating less important memories.

Which means there's some unconscious part of my brain weighing up each and everyone one of my fleeting thoughts and deciding if they are worth keeping or not. Huh.

~5 seconds later~

So in summary: I was RIGHT.

(Working hard/catches me enjoying it: Yeah look at me being an all grown-up person)

WHAT ARE WE

HUMANS

WHAT DO WE WANT

TO KICK AND SCREAM ABOUT IT

(There is truth in good)

It’s like you need to tune yourself to it. And if you’re not reading it with a critical eye then why are you reading it? Do I read everything with a critical eye?

Nope. Only sometimes!

I wonder if when we’re not reading with a critical eye, what eye are we reading with?

When you read. What do you look for?

Do you look for meaning? Is meaning just evidence for what we hope is a good future?

I caught myself reading critically. Looking for holes. And sometimes I try to write without any holes.

Theory: When you can write, or talk, without any holes, then you’re speaking the truth.

How to test THIS one..?

So I’m gonna need someone who has their act together, someone who is just like, yep, I’m perfect I’ve lived a long life and worked it all out I have found heaven and I am completely at peace forever. Gotta be someone. Anyone?

Ok might have a hole QUICK EVERYONE INTO THE HOLE

Such peace.

*

(Clinical hypnosis diary: day 1729. If we ever manage to evolve ourselves out of this mess we’ll be freaking magical.)

*

It’s almost like we’re refugees. All of us. Refugees from our pasts, fractured into a thousand futures, unable to focus on now. Not unless there’s a shiny thing to interest us. Sometimes we make our own shiny things. And sometimes it’s like the more we throw ourselves into it, the more we live.

TBH I’m not sure what was going through my head just then, but it seems insightful so I’ll leave it in.

Also, they should change the name of the game Monopoly to Hog. That’ll help. Save on ink too.

~An idea for a spider suit requiring nine people in black outfits as feet and one head in the middle, and they’re hooked up with these thick black wires or tubes bent in the middle up high and it’s really bad like an old science fiction monster. And the feet have to choreograph the walk. Each or some of the feet people jump, some walk. The head has to move smoothly and turn to look at people. It walks down the street during Halloween and holds up all the traffic. Someone should totally do this. Also the spider poops lollies.~

~bonus material~

And if that’s the case, is size just another dimension?

~much later~

Ok new plan. How big can we write “send more Easter eggs please”?

~bonus words~

We’re all on the thought plane.

And maybe we’re overlapping a bit.

~bonus material~

Like wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out if <that person over there> is GOD but they don’t actually know and no one knows and no one ever finds out one way or the other. And then they just die like everyone else. And that becomes the tradegy of the universe. We’ll never know. Because if we ever KNEW then there would be no point. There would be no surprises left. Knowledge is death. *Gasp* WE LOVE YOU, UNCERTAINTY!

So anyway I caught the bus earlier. But just before I caught the bus I could see it approaching and it stopped at some traffic lights. But it was in the wrong lane and had its indicator on like it was going to go in a different direction. And I was watching thinking “well this is suspicious.”

BUT then the bus driver must have realised they were about to go the wrong way, because the indicator swapped to the other side and the bus pulled out into some cars that were busy swerving out of the way and the bus approached me.

When I stepped on the bus the bus driver had a big friendly smile on their face and said hello to me and then someone on the bus yelled out “HOY OPEN THE BACK DOORS I WANT TO GET OFF HERE.”

Anyway I sat down near to two young teenagers who were very giggly. And even though they had a very limited vocabulary, the words just kept coming out. Some of the words were “this” and some of the other words were “that” - and another popular word I can’t write here because this is a ~family-friendly publication~ and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s sensitive eyes - rhymed with duck.

And so, on the bus, I whipped out my handy sudoku book and wrote the number 1 in a box and then I had to get off the bus because I was home.

Probably could have walked really.

~outtakes~

Bus driver: ♫ honk honk rattle rattle toot crash beep beep ♫

Passengers: please don’t kill us

~margin scribbles~

1: The forgiveness is implied.

2: peace is switch off

I met Jane that evening after the <redacted> concert. We had arranged to meet at the west doors afterwards to avoid the crowds. She appeared at the door looking a little disoriented and scratching her head. She saw me, smiled, and waved.

~later~

“Knocking! Someone’s at the door. Just like at that <redacted> concert,” muttered David as he strode off in the direction of the door. Hizz turned to me with a look of surprise.

“I went to that concert!”

“Oh really! You too! So what did _you_ think of the music?”

“I found it made me itchy. In a… sideways way. Like a fish.”

“Jane said it made her feel…”

“Hoy, protagonist, you’re needed over here.”

“Why what’s up?”

“The bathroom inspector person is here.”

“Oh good! Hello!” I waved to the tradie who entered the room. “Hi I’m the protagonist. You’re here to check out the bathroom glue hole, right?

~much later, inside a tree~

The tree creaked around us. The dim light quivered as the wind howled around the trunk and through the leaves, far above. I drew my jacket in closer to myself to stave off the chill. I looked up the vast stairway, rising to the heavens.

“Do they feel the wind up there?”

“No,” said our guide. “It’s like you’re fixed in place and it’s just everything around you moves instead. It can be a little disconcerting at first. And at second. Really, it is a bit weird. Like the special effects at a concert I went to once.”

“Oh! Not the <redacted> concert by any chance?”

“Ha! Yep that’s the one. last year. Yeah. Very juicy, that concert. Very very juicy indeed. Made me think of buses. Oh look, here’s your friend.”

Hizz bumbled up, looking over his shoulder, as though he thought he was being followed. He was carrying an old, rusty bucket.

“I got us some ice cream!”

Our guide raised an eyebrow.

~even later~

“Sometimes I feel like a signpost,” said Jane. I considered for a moment before responding.

“Do you mean, like, you feel like you’re pointing to something bigger and better in life and people follow your directions but you never get there yourself?”

Jane responded instantly.

“Oh no nothing like that.”

“What then?”

“It’s just my t-shirt has this big picture of a stop sign on it.”

“Ah.”

“Also, while I remember, I visited Hizz at the hospital.”

“Oh yes! He’s been unwell. How is he?”

“He’s good now! He was very lucky. They removed an earworm from his nose. Apparently it had been gestating there for a long time.”

“An earworm? Where did he pick that up?”

“No idea, but they’ve sent it for analysis and they should have the results next week.”

“Ok then! Well, keep me in the loop!”

“Will do.”

~next week, at the hospital~

Hizz ripped opened the envelope and read the test results.

“Jeez why is everything redacted these days? And what’s this? An ice cream infection??”

~the end~

~disclaimer~

Holy expletive THAT voice. They’re always wrong. Always! You’re all like yeah I’m fine and the next thing you’re at the supermarket staring at a shelf full of chocolate coated peanut butter pretzels and maybe drooling a bit.

And later you realise it was a trap! The security people at the supermarket were watching me on the security cameras the whole time!

They were talking amongst themselves and saying “Hey that guy who walks in every now and then just to buy milk - I bet we could trap him using some strategic snack placement.”

And so out went the snacks and now they’ve seen me on security camera screens and are like “Gottim! Ok start the stopwatch.”

And now we wait.

~addendum~

Everything we see is a manifestation created by our brains. Such spiritual. Very praise. Welcome to Heaven (we’re not sure you’re going to like it here).

~deleted scene~