SarahAli199X

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21./25 H.'s Kittens Warning: Incest, Death My ex that I was in a relationship with from 2012 to 2017, let's call her H. had been through something once. There are many street cats where she lives. The police wanted to get rid of them but then one of the residents complained that they were her cats. The cats mated with their own brothers and sisters, resulting in the birth of many 'incest cats'. Anyway, H. was studying until she suddenly heard a high-pitched squeaking. You should know, her house used to be a hotel, but it was a bit dilapidated. The father tried to solve it by doing odd jobs everywhere. You could see on the walls that holes and scratches had been filled and some cables were hanging loose. Whatever it was, H. heard a squeaking sound, she thought it was birds outside at first, but it the squeaking sound was still present. It sounded like it was coming from the inside. She went looking for the sound and she discovered a hole in one of the walls, with an empty space of 10cm (3.9 inch) between the two walls. There she saw: about seven kittens! She didn't seem to find the mother around so H. put them in a box. She tried to give them water, because H. had heard that milk gives them diarrhoea. The next day she went to her aunts who knew how to take care of kittens, there she got special kitten milk with a syringe without a needle.

She would then try to give the milk to them, using the syringe. Unfortunately the kittens did not want to eat, one of the kittens was sick so she isolated him so that he could not infect the other kittens. But unfortunately, one morning the kittens had all died. H. tried to stay strong and tried not to dwell on the sadness of it all, she had to focus on her schoolwork, she had done what she could. Her 15-year-old sister was having a hard time with it, and H. comforted her. 22./25 Animal Rescue Warning: Drowning, Amphibians Mooka once let Lana out in the park, not far from a swimming pool. She saw a pool rescuer crouching on the ground. She wondered what was going on and moved closer to the scene, the rescuer was giving mouth to mouth resuscitation on a hedgehog!!!! Next to the rescuer was a net on a long stick. The hedgehog seemed to move back, it had survived. The saviour started to tell mom: 'I saw something floundering in the water, I saw that it was a hedgehog. I ran back to the pool, to take a net and then fished this hedgehog out of the water with my net. He's completely exhausted now, can you take care of him? I have to go to work now.' Mooka said she went home for a box to put the hedgehog in. And so it went, the rescuer went to work and mooka came home with a hedgehog in a big box. My brother and I came home. We saw the hedgehog in the box, it was crawling around and making scratching noises. We looked at the hedgehog, it was awake and active. Mooka said we had to take him back to the park so my brother and I did that. I noticed how big it paws were, they were black and reminded me of human hands. It was a box without a lid. The hedgehog tried to crawl out of the box, so we had to push his paws off the edge so that he stayed in the box. We freed the hedgehog near the pond, so the hedgehog could find its way back.

Then there was the story of the toad. Mum and mooka had to go to the basement, there is a groove, a slot in the basement that leads outside, letting out heat, so that the boiler placed there does not overheat. Anyway, mooka discovered a toad there, which was stuck there. Me and my brother decided to help. I took a bucket and put wet leaves from the street in it so that the toad would be comfortable in the bucket. I took plastic gloves, in case it's a poisonous toad, and made the gloves wet.

Because some aquatic animals are burned if held by human dry hands. I took the toad and put it in the bucket, and went with my brother I go to the pond of the park. There I freed the toad together with my brother. The toad did not jump away, maybe he was exhausted from the whole thing. My brother and I left. Leaving the toad free to go wherever it pleased. 23./25 Snails, Part Two Warning: Death, Cutting, Loss of Body Parts, Grief, Loneliness It was 2017, I was going through a dark and turbulent period in which I learned a lot in half a year. H. ran off with another man. I didn't know that love is everywhere and that people can be alone, and I was desperate for love. I thought it would be fun to keep snails as pets, a project to keep me mentally stable during this turbulent period. Then there was a rainy day and I saw snails crawling on a bush in my street, and I thought: It's now or never! I took two jars, poked several holes in them and put two snails in them. One jar had snails in it, the other didn't. In both jars I had put earth and stones, where the snails could crawl over to their heart's content. If I had to clean one jar, I put them in the other jar, until I had to clean out the other jar, then I put them back in the first jar, and so on, and so on.

Online, I looked up what snails could eat and what they couldn't eat. Snails should not eat bread. They do eat fruits and vegetables. They especially like ripe crushed bananas. It is best to alternate so that they have a varied diet.

18./25 Sonic, the Hamster Warning: Reference to faeces, Death I was 14, if I remember correctly. Honey, the rabbit was gone, and for my birthday I was allowed to have a hamster. My brother wanted a pet too, but he had music lessons and elocution classes so he didn't really have time for a pet. But we decided he could name my hamster. He chose the name Sonic, after the video game character from Sega. In this game Sonic is a hedgehog, but hey our Sonic was a hamster and that was good too. I looked up how to care for a hamster. We bought a cage and then chose a hamster. I saw a white hamster, a male, who was playing with his brother. They both looked young. I chose him, Sonic the white hamster. Admittedly, I was a little sad that he was away from his brother now. The pet store folks had carefully placed Sonic in a cardboard box so we could take him home with us. We were in the car and Sonic started gnawing at the box to escape. "Mommy, Sonic is breaking out of the box!" So we put the box carefully into his cage, so that once he escaped, he was safe in his cage. When we got home we put sawdust in his cage and gave him food and water. I liked Sonic, he was sitting with his cage in the hallway and I would play, cross-legged, on my Nintendo DS while I was with him. Sometimes I let him out of his cage so he could have some freedom walking around while I gamed. Often my legs were in a V position against the wall so that my legs formed walls for Sonic so he could not flee far away. Sonic also had a wheel he liked to run in. Now I realize that the wheel was a bit too small and was bad for his back. Hamsters are nocturnal, so at night Sonic was running around in his wheel, which meant that mum and mooka couldn't sleep. Sonic also had a 'bedroom' at the top of his cage, he had to crawl through a tube to get there and he often brought his food there. He stuck his food in his cheeks and then pushed it out in his bedroom, very interesting. He also peed in a corner there, and he also brought his droppings to it which he sometimes ate. Hamsters eat their own droppings but after it is digested a second time they just leave it there. When I was with him I often opened the hatch of his bedroom.

Then he looked, standing on his two legs and smelled my fingers. He was a sweetheart. Sometimes I fed him like that. That's why he sometimes bit my fingers, thinking it was food. My grandmother said she didn't like hamsters because they looked like rats, but when I opened his bedroom door, and Sonic stood on his two legs, her heart melted, she thought he was cute. However, our large dog, Lana, was scared of Sonic. It was funny how she was afraid of such a small creature, but Lana had a point, maybe Lana thought it was a poisonous rat. Besides, it was better for Lana was afraid of Sonic. It would be dangerous if she played with him or even worse, attacked him. Now we knew Lana was not even going to step on Sonic.

Sometimes I made a 'house' out of Duplo and Sonic could walk around in it for a while. I regularly put Sonic's cage next to me when I gamed on the play station 2. Sonic then looked fascinated at the television screen. He also liked to climb the fence of his cage. We often let Sonic run around in his hamster ball, the problem was that he ran so fast that he hit a wall causing the ball to open. We then had to catch Sonic and put it back in his cage.

I had also once tried taking Sonic for a walk outside by putting a leash on his hamster ball. I wasn't even a meter away or the ball opened up and Sonic was running around! I ran after him and luckily I was able to grab him and gently take him back home. Remember, Lore the Black Rabbit? She stayed with a new family. They had a lot of pets there. They had many hamsters there. I had agreed with the son of the family that Sonic could stay there once so that he could mate with one of the hamsters there. That way my hamster would not die a virgin, it was a plan but nothing ever came of it. After three years, Sonic had become an old hamster. He moved very slowly, he seemed to be living in slow motion. We went with him to the vet, I wondered if he was going to hibernate, but the vet said he was just old. She took Sonic and rubbed him gently, inspecting him. Sonic seemed asleep until he woke up, he seemed shocked, but in slow motion, it was bizarre and special to watch. The vet said he apparently wasn't going to live much longer. Indeed, a few days later, Sonic did not wake up. His body seemed a bit 'flat' now that there was no life left in it. He has had a nice long life, for a tame hamster anyway. He came into our lives in a cardboard box and left it in a cardboard box, buried to become one with nature again. Sonic, you were an awesome pet! A friend of mine also wanted a hamster, so I gave her the cage. I came to visit a while later, it was alienating to see, the hamster lived in Sonic's cage, slept in the same place and seemed to behave in the same way. I was happy that the cage could be reused, but the fact that this hamster behaved exactly the same, that hamsters are not original, I just felt a little betrayed. Either way, each hamster is unique in its own way. Before we had our new dog Cesar dog, I looked up how best to take care of a hamster. Apparently hamsters need a lot of space, quite a large glass terrarium, where they can dig deep. They also need a big wheel so they don't bend their backs too much without back pain. Either way, Sonic isn't here anymore, at least not in this world, and it's time for.... The Next Chapter!

19./25 Birds, Birds and Birds Warning: Death Once upon a time a pigeon landed on our courtyard, and it didn't want to fly anymore, the pigeon had a ring on its leg, so it belonged to a pigeon fancier. I was about 10 or 12 years old at the time. We gave the dove grain and bread. I think we even put a bowl of water for him, so a few days passed. Mum and mooka laid a trap, a cage for the pigeon, so they could catch the him. Then they went to the vet with him, maybe he could help the pigeon, or call the pigeon fancier, the pigeon fancier might wonder where his beloved pigeon was. Either way, the vet saw nothing wrong with the animal, it was just exhausted from all the flying. He said he the pigeon fancier called, but feared that the pigeon would no longer fly, the pigeon would probably end up in his soup. A dark possibility, but it was too late. The vet was going to call the pigeon fancier, if we were going to keep the pigeon for ourselves, the police would come to us for theft. So we went home. Hopefully the pigeon had a nice life back with his owner, maybe found his courage back to explore the big skies again with his feathered grey wings. Around the age of 16 I found a bird's nest in a street not far from my home. I didn't know what to do. As soon as put my hands closer to the birds, they opened their mouths, they thought my fingers were big worms and they were going to get food, such a shame. An old lady came out of her house and looked at me surprised, I explained the situation. I drove home and took a cardboard box. I thought if I put the nest with the birds inside it, they would at least be safe with me. But when I arrived with the box they were gone, maybe the old lady had the birds taken in and decided to take care of it. Mum told me she once found a nest with one black bird in it, she gave him worms to eat, but one day the bird was dead and she didn't even know why. Around my 20s, it was about 2014, a western jackdaw had landed on our little courtyard. He also didn't want to fly away. Maybe he had broken on of its wings. We gave him some food. We heard his family crowing at him, and he crowed back. I was still in the period when I wanted to film everything with my full HD camera, so I filmed the jackdaw. Mum called the vet and asked what to do. It was already quite late. He said it was probably a young jackdaw learning to fly. He had landed, or fallen into our place and his parents, and possibly siblings, encouraged him to fly again. The vet explained that we could put him in a box, then the jackdaw would go to sleep by itself because of the darkness, then the next day, we could go outside in the park where he could fly away. But leaving a bird in a box all night sounded rather mean, so we planned to catch him and free him the next day. I gave the jackdaw some breadcrumbs to eat, and Mum told me not to. The vet said if we fed the jackdaw, he was going to stay here and then he was never going to fly away. So, we went to sleep. That morning was a great disappointment. The jackdaw layed dead on the floor by a window. Probably the jackdaw had gathered the courage to fly, encouraged by his friends, only to crash into the window. Poor creature. We placed him in a box and buried him. The jackdaw could now fly into heaven.

9./25 Evert,The guinea pig Warning: Death I had a rabbit, Honey, so my brother wanted a pet as well. It was going to be a guinea pig, a black guinea pig. My brother was a fan of the game Freddy Fish so wanted to call him that first; Freddy Fish the guinea pig. Mum and mooka found this quite strange so in the end it was Evert. He often squeaked, we sometimes let him out of his cage together with Honey. Often on the courtyard, and sometimes in our home. He was also allowed to stay inside during the winter. I woke up once, and the first thing I heard was my brother crying in the courtyard. I don't know why, but I knew right away that Evert had passed away. I went down and unfortunately it was true. He had lived about five years, a good age for a guinea pig. He had lived a nice life with my brother who loved him so much. Maybe Evert is now playing with Honey in the eternal playing fields. 10./25 Rubert, the Dog Warning: Death, Euthanasia, Blood My parents missed a dog. They took one from the shelter. His name was Ronny at first, but they thought that was an ugly name. So, they called him Rubert. He looked like a Welsh Terrier, but his head was more like a Golden Retriever. He was light brown. He was a big dog, but not quite big. He was always very playful and had a lot of energy, too much energy. According to mum and mooka, he didn't go outside enough when he was young, he was not well socialized. He always wanted to play and jumped at people. We suspect that he had been abused. I was about 8 or 9 years old. I often played with Rubert. I'd throw a toy, and he'd bring it back, and then I'd throw it back. The toy was a plushie from me. It was the pokémon 'Togepi' that you could turn inside out, turning it into a pokéball. I played with Rubert, but the problem was that Rubert didn't know his own strength, so he accidentally bit my hand until it bled. Mooka went for a walk with Rubert. A posh woman who always spoke French and wore an expensive fur coat walked with her husband. Rubert apparently wanted to play, because he just jumped the woman and playfully bit her coat. The woman was shocked, and mooka pulled Rubert's leash and held it close to herself. The woman immediately called the police, and complained that a part of her coat was missing. According to mooka, there was only some saliva on it. The man liked mum and mooka, but the woman wanted to do nothing with us. Whenever she passed our house she said to her husband "Ç'est sale ici." meaning: "It's dirty in here." Even if mum or mooka could hear this. Rubert's life was intense and.... short. I don't know what or how it happened but apparently our front door was opened, as well as the door to our hallway and Rubert had escaped. I have no idea if our address was on his collar, but the doorbell rang. A man held Rubert in his arms and asked if it was our dog. It was like we got a dent in our hearts. We thanked the man and immediately took our injured four-legged friend to the vet. Mooka was driving and Mum had Rubert on her lap, he was breathing strangely. The vet put a tube in Rubert's mouth so he could breathe. He examined him and said there was bleeding inside, bruising. His organs were damaged. All he could do was take his pain away and put him to sleep. We all said goodbye to Rubert. We stroked his fur, Rubert fell into a warm deep sleep, forever and ever.

11./25 Lana, the Golden Retriever Warning: Vomit, Drowning, Death, Euthanasia, Animal Abuse I guess I was in 6th grade. Mum and Mooka missed a dog. Our street can be busy at times, we had already lost two dogs to our cosy but deadly street. Yet.... our home, our heart, was empty without a loyal, happy four-legged friend. So we went to a dog nursery, the puppies came from Flanders or the Netherlands and were old enough to go without their mother to live. But maybe it wasn't so ethical after all because later documentaries came out that dog breeders did not always go according to the rules. I was allowed to choose a dog. I saw one dog that was calmer than the rest. She was one of the last one to come to us, but when I went to her, she seemed to like me. I chose her, I suspect she would be obedient as she seemed rather submissive. We bought her and had to give her a name. I thought the blond fur was reminiscent of the letter 'A' (I know this sounds weird) so I thought of the name Lana. And so it was, her name was Lana. As soon as we got home she suddenly had a lot of energy, she even looked like a different dog! Mum and mooka took her to the dog school, where they learned to work with commands and gestures. Because dogs understand gestures better.

The advantage is also that dogs can understand you even if they are deaf. Our sweetheart grew up slowly. I also practised

the gestures and commands with her. Eventually she grew big enough to steal food from the table. Unfortunately. When we ate we always had to be careful that Noel wouldn't take our food, and Lana would always look for food at the edge of the table, especially when we were away she would sometimes steal something. We tried to stop her, but when there were visitors, the aunts and grandmothers always gave something sweet from the table and so Lana learned to beg for food. However, she always had water and we gave her more than enough food, love and walks. I actually didn't mind if she begged, she would lovingly put her head on my lap. It was a pity that she drooled a lot, sometimes there were just wet spots on my pants.

People also said that Lana walked quite feminine, our dog had thin hips and moved her hind legs in a specific way, she put one paw in front of the other and not 'diagonally in front of it' like most dogs. I was about 12 or 14 years old (2006-2008) Star Wars Episode III hadn't come out that long ago and our aunt loaned us that movie on DVD. It was the most hated Star Wars movie up to that point, but I didn't know that, it was the first and only Star Wars movie I'd seen back then and I loved it. I even bought a lightsaber from the toy store and did fake fights with it, on my own. Lana was scared of the lightsaber, I think she was scared of the noise. I was in full puberty and was sometimes a bastard so I went to Lana with the lightsaber until she layed scared on the floor and showed her teeth. In hindsight this was dangerous of me. Animals can sometimes attack, bite when cornered in fear, with fatal consequences. It was mean of me to do this, and I feel a little guilty about it now, poor Lana didn't deserve this. Noel and Lana got along well. They didn't fight, but I don't remember them lying together either. Once something dirty and bizarre happened; Noel vomited and Lana ate it. It was like a car accident, terrible though you can't look away from it. We often threw the ball to play with her. But we always had to stop in time because Lana didn't know her limits. When we went on a trip she sometimes went with us, we let her swim in a pond surrounded by nature, Lana loved water. We went for a walk at the Gavers, not far from our city, and we let her swim. The problem was that the lake was 'held in its shape' by a grid of metal wire under the water. We had already let Lana swim there, so we saw no problem, until Lana suddenly got stuck, mum jumped into the water and searched for her paw. Luckily she was able to pull her paw out, and Lana was saved from drowning, even her paw was fine except for a scratch. I also know that sometimes we went to the sea with Lana. We also swam in the sea, but Lana would bark and swim towards us, and then scratched our backs! She didn't understand what was happening, or she was afraid we would drown. Years passed, I graduated high school, and went to college. As an exchange I went to Japan for 3 months in 2015, I emailed and skyped with my parents regularly, but they hadn't said anything about Lana for a while, so I started to suspect that she had died and that my parents were afraid to say that because being alone in Japan is hard enough as it was. So I started to cry. It wasn't until later that I saw a photo on facebook with Lana on it, proof that she was still alive, that I was so happy! She was going to live for the of another 5 whole happy years!

6./25 Honey, the Rabbit Warning: Death, Euthanasia It was about the year 2000 and I was going to be 6 years old. A friend of mine had stick insects, phasmids, and I wanted that as well. Mum didn't like this idea and suggested a dwarf rabbit, she promised to give me one for my birthday. I was happy. We speak Dutch and the word 'dwarf' in Dutch (dwerg) sounds similar to the Dutch word for mountain (berg). So, at first I thought she said 'mountain rabbit' all the time. As a rabbit that normally lives in the mountain, I mean, mountain goats exist. Mum thought I forgot all about it because I hadn't talked about it for a long time. It was the day of my 6th birthday and I said to mum 'I know! I know! I'm going to get a bunny today!' Mum was shocked and while I was at school she rushed to the pet store looking for a rabbit and a cage. When I got my bunny I was Super happy. Mum asked what I wanted to call her. I thought the bunny was such a Honey, so I named her: .... see title Honey! She was light brown with white and black spots, her belly was white.

Anyway, I loved Honey. I fed her every day and cleaned her cage every week. I read to her from children's books and told her about my life. Sometimes, I cried and went to Honey for comfort, Mum would see this and would come to comfort me. We sometimes let Honey roam free in our little courtyard. Then she could hop around for a bit. After that we had to catch her so she could go back in her cage. This was hard because she was running away from us. I once caught Honey and Mum said, 'You're hurting her!' Sometimes I made buildings out of duplo (large version of lego blocks) in which she could hop around, the problem was that if she did a number two, those droppings were then difficult to clean from the 'duplo floor'. Such a duplo floor has protrusions so that the blocks stick, and the droppings were then in between making it hard to clean. Sometimes we let her hop around our house, making sure she didn't bite any cables. I liked Honey, and she me, I believe. Children once came to play for my brother's birthday, an older girl picked up Honey and said, 'Oh, she's so tame! I can hold her and she's not doing anything!' Honey lived in a wooden cage. I opened the ceiling of her cage and then she stood straight on her hind legs, and ears up. I wonder if her house wasn't too small. I recently thought of buying a hamster, but hamsters need at least a cubic meter of space and always need to live with a second hamster. (One meter = 39.37 inches)

This may also be the case with rabbits. Some rabbit lovers let their rabbits roam free and then the rabbits do their number one and two in a litter box, uh, ....rabbit box? During the winter, Honey was allowed to stay indoors, of course. Honey often gave me 'snuggles'. She then rubbed her chin at my fingers. Rabbits do this because that's how they give you their scent (just like a cat gives snuggles). This means that they like you, they say 'You are mine.' Often when I was with Honey I opened the roof of her wooden cage so that I could pet her, once, the roof fell by itself down and I got this roof against my nose, my nose was bleeding and mum helped me and said 'Whoa, I thought your nose was broken!' Honey probably knew Vincent. She also knew Noel, but they ignored each other. Honey also knew the animals which I will discuss later! She knew Evert the guinea pig, Lizzie the rabbit, Rubert the dog, Manet the cat I think, but not Manet the dog. (Yes, two animals with the same name, confusing.) She also knew Lana the dog. Once I opened Honey's cage and Honey stood up, Lana went to Honey and put her paws on the cage. Without pushing it and sniffed Honey's nose. I took a picture of it, I lost that picture now, but it was a nice picture. I had taken it with my digital camera that I got for my 12th birthday. One day, Honey didn't want to eat anymore. I was about 13, and Honey was about 6 years old, which was quite old for a rabbit. Domestic rabbits live between 5 and 10 years. It also happened to be my brother's birthday so there were a few kids at our house. Nevertheless, mum took us to the vet. The vet said that Honey's teeth had grown together, however she could always nibble on a cardboard wall of her cage. The vet could basically trim her teeth, but for that he had to sedate her, and with her age, there was a big chance that she was going to remain in her sedation. She could then die, go into a coma or suffer brain damage. So we decided to give Honey euthanasia. I asked if I could be there, but Honey would spasm with her legs in her anaesthetic or during the poison injection. She wasn't going to get hurt, it was just going to be convulsions. Still, it looked scary. So mum said it wasn't a good idea. I wished Honey goodbye and kissed her. Full of sadness, we went home. It was a bit weird that this happened during was a birthday party, but death doesn't care much for human values and norms. Maybe this is admirable that Death dares to do this, or maybe this is scary. Either way, it was better this way. We have Honey given a lot of love, without the injection she would become very hungry, and now she could go peacefully after a proper goodbye. Maybe she's gone forever, maybe she's lovingly living in the past, or she's happily hopping around in the eternal rabbit fields.

3./25 Vincent, the Dog Warning: Description Death and Bloodshed Not long after I was born, my parents had a dog. His name was Vincent, named after the painter. I remember him like this: he was neither big nor small, but I remember him a little bigger. He looks like a mix between Bobbie from Tintin and Lassie. He was white with light brown and dark brown spots. He had short, (but not so short) thick hair. Vincent was a nice dog. We went for a walk in the park with him and played with the branch. But I don't remember so much, except that I liked him. Unlike Noel, he didn't bite. He was afraid of thunder and fireworks. Then he would always cry. Mum said that Vincent was a weird dog, that sometimes he had a lot of pretensions, that he wanted a lot. My parents had the bad habit of letting the dog sleep in their bed. Apparently Vincent would sometimes bark in the middle of the night to signal that he wanted to lie between mum and mooka. That's a lot of courage for a dog!

Unfortunately, Vincent had suffered a gruesome ending. Our family was leaving for a day trip, I don't remember where to. I was about 6 or 7 years old. We had forgotten something. So mooka stopped with her car on our street, across the street from our house.

Mooka crossed the street and opened the front door, apparently the door to the hallway was open. Vincent wanted to go to us. So as soon as the door was open, he ran to us. 'Vincent!' cried mooka, trying to stop him.

It was unfortunately then that a bastard, who had snorted a line of coke, drove too fast in his daddy's expensive car and ran into Vincent! Vincent had survived the collision and ran away. He may have had a concussion and he was completely confused. The spoiled boy was mad at my parents because there is a dent or a blood stain on his fathers car. He immediately called the police "to fine my parents", instead of feeling guilty, asking my parents to look for them or help them search themselves. Mum later told me that this got the boy in trouble because the police gave him a drug test, which was positive. I remember when my family and I went into the police car. My parents filled out forms from the police, and then the police drove us around, I can't remember why. Did the police help us search? Did they take my parents to the police station? Mum and mooka got phone calls from friends and co-workers. They told them they saw their dog and where. One colleague said she saw our dog in a parking lot she wanted to grab him by the collar, but Vincent ran away from her. We called for Vincent from the police car, hoping that he would hear us, and come to us. My parents dropped us off with their friends. Lien and Hilda. That's where we played with Tim and Matilda. We were worried for Vincent. My parents got a call that they had seen Vincent along the highway. Their hearts sank, this couldn't be good. Mum and mooka went there and got a phone call that someone had seen something laying along the highway. The following descriptions are rather gory. My mum and mooka found Vincent in two on the highway. They couldn't leave him there. They dug a hole, they would walk back and forth to carry Vincent's body to the hole. Mooka told Vincent's eyes were white, and when he lay in the hole, it seemed as if he were looking at her. They closed the hole. A few days later they realized that it might be illegal to bury just an animal on a public ground, but it had already happened, and no one said anything about it. Mum kept the collar of Vincent after she had washed it well. It was weird living near the street where Vincent was hit by the car. Until now I still live there, but the memory has settled in the past, and for me personally this event is less 'present' in the street now. I remember as a child to see a blood stain on our street. Was it Vincent's blood? Was it even blood, in the first place? Maybe, I remember it wrong. Either way, it's scary to be confronted with such things at such a young age. Poor Vincent, you had to leave this world too early and in such a painfully confusing way… Vincent, I will never forget you. Our dear dog, your life was short but beautiful. Wherever you are, be happy!

4./25 Climb up! (Ivy) I know that plants don't really count as pets, but they are living things and I do have some fond memories of them. I never had a garden but we had a small courtyard. There we had two climbing plants, common ivy. One for me and one for my brother. I liked having that. Eventually the courtyard was renovated and the plants disappeared. But now I have many common Ivy's as potted plants, and they keep growing! :) 5./25 Fly Applesauce Warning: Dead, Flies, Maggots You see, my grandfather likes to fish and I was about 5 years old. Grandpa had maggots that he used as bait for fishing. They were maggots in a small plastic jar. I also had a jar, but a round one with a magnifying glass from above, especially for insects. Grandpa gave me one of his maggots and did it in that jar. I was very happy with my new pet. Mum asked me what to call him and said 'Applesauce!' as a joke, but mum didn't know it was a joke, and so the fly was called Applesauce. We gave him lettuce, and tried to take good care of it. One day he became a cocoon. What would emerge from it? How exiting.

Mum said he was going to be a big noisy blowfly. In my mind I already saw him flying around, I was so happy. A few days passed, I woke up and looked in the jar. I was sad, he had come out of his cocoon, but he died instantly. He was a fly that lay on the ground with his paws up. Mum and I

2./25 Noel, the Cat Warning: Euthanasia, Animal Abuse When I was just born we lived in another house, I don't remember it because I was too young to shape memories.

We also had two cats, according to my mother. A white cat that I don't remember at all, I don't recall what happened to that cat, but he passed away probably, because I don't remember anything about him. In addition, we had Noel. Both cats arrived after I was born, but I was so young it seems like Noel has always has been there We also had a dog called Vincent, not sure when he joined us. But I saw a picture of Vincent and Noel together in their basket, and they both looked young. It also seemed to me as if Vincent had always been there. He stayed with us for about 10/11 years. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, this is Noel's story, it started like this:

Once upon a time some men were hunting in the woods. One of them had shot a rabbit, or so he thought. He went to the creature, and the hunter was startled for a moment, it was not a rabbit, but a cat! The men heard a kind of squeaking, and went towards the sound. They heard it more clearly, it was not a squeak, but the meow of kittens. The hunters looked at each other, with a guilty look 'Please, don't tell me its true!?' With their hands full of calluses they pushed the leaves of the bush aside. Both cold from their crime and warmth from their cuteness overflowed their hearts. What they saw was a litter of kittens! Apparently, they had shot the mother of the kittens.... One of those kittens was Noel. They gave the kittens to a woman they knew from the neighbourhood. That woman was a colleague of my mum. Full of altruism she searched for a family for every kitten. That's how Noel came to us. This independent male stayed with us for 13 years. I liked him, I stroked him a lot with my hands. He gave me many snuggles. Sometimes I kept petting him for so long while he purred that he eventually dozed off and stopped purring. Often when I rubbed him he was happy and then suddenly, without a warning, he scratched. Then I went to mommy crying 'Noel scratched me!'. I don't remember this anymore, I was still too young, but apparently my cat had been run over once. Mama and Mooka lost Noel. Whenever they walked our dog Vincent, he would go to the neighbour's yard. Noel just stayed away, and my parents had a suspicion. They rang our neighbours door and asked if they could go in the garden with our dog, they thought Noel could be there. Apparently when animals think they are going to die, they find a quiet place so can leave this world without being disturbed... Vincent sniffed and smelled, pulling on the leash. So mum and mooka came to a bush. In this bush was: yes! Noel! They took him to the vet, luckily, Noel was not in mortal danger. The poor animal did have pain. His pelvis was broken because of a car accident. Mum and mooka had two options. Give Noel a very expensive surgery, or letting Noel heal in a small cage where he couldn't move much. The operation was too expensive so my parents chose the cage. My grandpa, Roland, from mum's side worked on Noel's cage. He adjusted it so Noel couldn't move much. With some pain in their hearts, mum and mooka put him in the cage, where he had to stay for days. Noel meowed a lot, and my parents gave him food and drink by hand. They took good care of him. Slowly but surely Noel was able to heal, and he could walk again. I grew up with my brother (who is one year younger), Noel and the dog Vincent. One morning I was eating cereal, Noel came over and licked the milk from my bowl. While I continued eating my cornflakes. Mooka came down and said: "Hey Deadname! (My old name) You just let Noel eat from your bowl!" She dismissed Noel and explained that this was unsanitary. The cat of the house often went out alone. Some people think cats should be free, while others keep cats inside, so the owners know for sure that their cat will not run away or die. Actually, our street is quite dangerous for cats, with a lot of traffic passing. We have a window at the front of our house, to our living room. Noel always scratched that when he wanted to go inside or outside. We always had to let him in or out ourselves. As a child I had such a nice carpet with a map of a drawn city on it. I liked this to play with. Unfortunately Noel had vomited on it, and my mother threw it away.

Noel once had to have surgery. He was sedated. We took him home in his cage. He woke up and wanted to move forward, but this poor body was numb. So he looked like a worm. He meowed, helplessly. My brother and I knew it was temporary and he

didn't have any pain so we laughed our behinds of!

Not much later Noel was able to stand up again, but he kept slipping with his legs, he looked like a failed ice skater. It was hilarious. Fortunately, the anaesthetic eventually wore off and Noel was able to do everything he wanted to do again. My family and I occasionally travelled. The pets then stayed at home. Our grandfather or a friend of our parents took care of our pets. Anyway, we got back from a trip and went for a swim. We went on foot with our swimming bags on our backs. Noel went with us, he was afraid we were going to leave him. At the corner of a street, not far from our street, he sat down and started meowing. Poor Noel. After the swim we came back and he was happy to see us. Noel was also a fighter. According to my mum there was something wrong with him, because he had lost his mother at a young age. Sometimes I heard cats fighting at night, it was probably Noel. He came home one day, and his ear was in two, a vertical line dividing his ear in half. A scar from a fight. I went outside once and saw him fight. He and the other cat ran towards each other, jumped and flew into each other in the air, they even turned a little, and then fell to the ground, they would run closer to each other and then fight on. Around the age of 10 I also had a pog collection. Pogs were all the rage back then, you could find some in bags of crisps, it was mostly pokémon pogs that people wanted. Apparently you could play a game with it, but I didn't know how to play it, or I forgot. What I did do was let pogs slide across the floor. Noel, liked to catch the pogs. This was our game.

Mum had been through something with Noel once. Mum and mooka slept in bed. Noel went into their bed to sleep, or so mum thought. He was running and jumping around, he was acting really weird. Mum looked, and it was a mouse! Noel brought a mouse in bed!

Mooka was asleep, and Mum took the mouse by its tail and went outside. She put the creature across the street, in the bushes. The mouse looked at her with a grateful look and then sprinted into the bush. The front door was blown shut by the wind, so mum had to ring the bell, mooka was angry that she was called out of the bed, but let mum in. We also had other pets such as Honey, the rabbit, or Evert the guinea pig. We let them roam around the house every now and then. And luckily our cat did nothing against them. Time passed, and Noel had grown into a fat cat. He looked more like a little fat bear than a cat. This was the sign that he had a good life. Once upon a time, a mouse came into our house. Mum and mooka just ignored him with the thought that nature is going to do its job. We thought that Noel was going to eat the mouse. Noel, however, did nothing and meanwhile my brother and I had given the mouse a name: Justin. He was named after Justin Timberlake, it was about 2006/2007 then. Our parents had to do something, because soon we might have a mouse infestation, maybe Justin was a female, a Justine who was pregnant. My brother and I didn't want Justin to die. My mum went to a farmer's store and asked if they had a trap to catch mice. She asked for "Something that doesn't kill mice, because my kids don't want that." The cashier rolled her eyes, and mum bought a trap. She came home, put a piece of cheese in the trap and left it open. And sure enough, the next morning Justin was trapped in the cage. Unfortunately, his little tail was caught in the door. Again, Mum freed the mouse in the bushes and Justin had a nice mouse life.

Suddenly Noel started to lose weight. His fat sumo belly had turned into a long flap of skin that hung between his legs. When he walked, his belly flap flapped back and forth. I thought this was funny, but my parents were concerned. He had problems I can't remember what it was exactly, but I think it was his thyroid. He had to take medication. In the meantime I was in high school, a school for people with autism. And some of my classmates were a$$holes! One boy was angry with his neighbour's cat because that cat always pooped in his garden. Instead of chasing the creature away, he took the poor animal by its tail and spun it around and then threw it away. That cat probably survived, but with psychological trauma and possibly a physical injury. Then there was another fool, who wasn't the brightest. He didn't know how to put music on an MP3/mobile phone and thought he had cured his own autism by reading the news. He then boasted that every time he saw a cat in his neighbourhood, he kicked it. The strangest thing was that he wanted a pet himself, a dog, and tried to convince his parents that he would take good care of it. I know that first kid had drug problems for a while, but got back on track and became a father. I don't know what became of that other bell-end. I can only hope they have left their sadistic pranks behind. This is how many serial killers start, they start with small animals, then big ones and then kill people. I find animal cruelty really disgusting.

The Weirdos and Normals I Loved

I archived my life story. So, you can read it more easily if you wish. It is the story of all the people I loved and the weird events that happened in my life.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1gx81koDGnRh1gXnoF0e73PW4Nz-l88r6/view?usp=sharing Back ups:

I also translated it into Dutch, see below

DUTCH:

De Weirdo's en Normalen die Ik Lief Had Ik heb mijn levensverhaal gearchiveerd. Je kan het dus gemakkelijker lezen als je wil. Het is het verhaal van alle mensen van wie ik hield en de rare gebeurtenissen in mijn leven.

Back ups:

The Animals of the House I Loved- All the Pets I Ever Had - By Sarah Ali Wednesday 13 July 2022 - 1 September 2022 About 13,848 Words or 71,814 Characters Warning: Swearing, Illness, Death, Animal Abuse, Fighting Animals, Castration 0./25 Intro There is a great need in me to write this text. Even though I'm only 28, I can feel the memories slowly fading. So I want to lock them in just to be safe. My name is Sarah Ali, I am a trans woman. I was born in 1995, and live since 2021 as a woman. Simply put, I love animals. You can tell how far advanced a society is by how well they treat animals and treat people. Animals have a certain innocence, they do not possess, or to a lesser extent the self-consciousness and responsibility of a person. If you have a pet you can feel this, they are part of the family, they are a family member. I once heard the following: a dog is like a heater of love, as soon as there is a dog in the house or near it, you get love from it, you just have to look at it. I'm talking about platonic love, of course. I would also like to say that all our dogs and cats, neutered and sterilized. In this way we prevent the overpopulation of animals. 1./25 Zola, the Cat and the Chick Warning: Animal Death, Dead Animal Parts, Euthanasia, Animal Abuse Let's start before the beginning, my parents! I have two mothers, a mum and a mooka. My mum used to have a cat, she had named him Zola after a writer I think. The cat liked to eat ice cream. Animals are sensitive to maggots, especially at their buttocks, it is something you often have to check on animals, especially rabbits I've read. Anyway, Mum found out that Zola had worms, so she took him to the vet as soon as possible, but it was too late. Zola couldn't make it anymore, and was given an injection, to sleep forever. My mooka, I think she was about 9 at the time. It might have been the 70's or the 80's I don't know, but her mother, my grandmother, had bought chicks for my mother and her sister. She even let them roam around free in the house. My mooka didn't pay attention, and went to get a glass of water, suddenly she heard "crack!". It was as if a bucket of ice was suddenly thrown over her heart, she hardly dared look. She had stepped on a chick with her shoe! The poor creature. To this day my mother still feels guilty about it. My mum's grandma and grandpa (my great-grandparents) had chickens. They slaughter these birds and then eat them. My mother was still a child, but she had seen the film 'Birds' by Alfred Hitchcock. Her brother (my uncle) often took one of the chicken claws to tease mum. Apparently there was a tendon in those legs, and if you pulled on it, the leg closed. That's how he scared the ship out of mum! Also at my mooka's house chickens were sometimes slaughtered for dinner, she remembered how her mother had beheaded a chicken, the chicken's legs kept floundering and her mother had accidentally let it go, leaving the chicken running around! Apparently this is something that can happen, hence the Dutch proverb: "To walk around like a headless chicken.", it means that you walk around nervous or in a panic, not knowing what to do. This all sounds rather sinister, I suspect it's different times now. Animals are still being slaughtered, but it happens more secluded, in slaughterhouses. You can then ask yourself whether humanity will not become alienated from the animals that we eat. And whether it is more ethical in larger factories and slaughterhouses. People, now, often use a cattle gun or bolt pistol

36./42 Kurt: A Dog's Life This text discusses sexuality, paedophilia and urination. Not long after Eefje broke up, I met a man through facebook. His name was Kurt. Eefje and him knew each other. He also lived near Antwerp. The gay bar was closed because of the virus, and it was more difficult to meet up with other people, also because of that virus. The man wanted to meet with me and I thought why not? And I made an appointment with him, outside in Antwerp. He was 46, but looked 36. He was small, and friendly. We cuddled in the park. He was also into puppy play, that's why he knew Eefje. He had Portuguese roots so he looked tanned. I've wondered what it was like to have a golden shower for a long time, and Kurt was into golden showers, so that was nice! I told him honestly that I didn't want a relationship unless it was an open one, and he accepted this. He told about his ex: He had been in a relationship with Jamie for a while. I don't know if the relationship was open, but Jamie had met a lot of people he had sex with as well. With a concerned face, Jamie said to Kurt, "I'm going to hurt a lot of people." That's how Jamie and Kurt broke up. Jamie had a mental disability, and Kurt was very concerned about him.

He said he had a boyfriend now, a man in his 40s, but he was fat and bald, and looked 50, or even 60. But the man had money and took Jamie on all kinds of exotic trips. Kurt didn't want to know about it 'That man is a paedophile, he dates young men with a mental disability. I mean they have a diaper fetish over there for God's sake! He walks around in diapers all day and he takes drugs! The guy offers him on drugs and says "sniff this" and he just does that!'

After the successful date, I regularly visited his apartment. I know it was a little early but Eefje knew him and I always let my parents know where I was going, address and all. He had a small but cosy apartment. We had sex together and even a golden shower, for the first time in my life I finally a golden shower! It's nice and warm, but the smell is intense, and I didn't dare drink it. Kurt also liked being peed on and drank my pee too. It was clear, we could experiment a lot together!

Sometimes I would go to him, and we would go shopping or visit a park. Sometimes he would visit me, and then we would visit nature reserves. We often went to Mechelen, and Mechelen is actually a beautiful city. You can take a nice walk along the water there.

Kurt continued to talk about his past. As a child, his parents wanted him to become a baker, but he didn't want to. He was not motivated at all, so he even ended up in Buso ( An easy version of BSO where students learn manual labour, but they cannot fail classes, but they wont get a degree either). While Kurt is not stupid at all. He drives a car, reads, writes, can do math and doesn't seem stupid at all. He was allowed to work there unpaid and did not even get a diploma, but alright. He had had many adventures in the Buso. The boys were at a boarding school and did nothing but have sex there. That school was like a fictional erotic world, a fanfiction! When they had swimming lessons, they went underwater to suck each other off. He also had to clean up a cellar with a classmate, they finished quickly and then had sex. The teacher came over and said, 'You cleaned that up nicely! Well done!' Kurt and his friend laughed hard at that. He also once had sex with a boy in the bushes, but those bushes were close to a rectory. One of the pastors saw this and came to them and said: 'Make sure I don't see that again, okay?!! It's kind of weird because most guys said they weren't gay. Many are now married and living as 'straight'. Kurt had all kinds of adventures before he met his wife, he had sex with all kinds of men. Even with old men, this gave him a huge kick. He married a woman, but that marriage turned into a sexless marriage. Kurt, started having erotic conversations with other men online. His wife found out about this, and she wanted a divorce. She came with the papers, but Kurt wouldn't sign them. This started a whole lawsuit, and he had to pay everything. Like most people, he works 5 days a day, 8 hours, and does not live in poverty. He has to give part of his wages to his wife. His wife doesn't allow him to see his son and daughter. Whenever Kurt wanted to buy a something extra, he asked permission from his lawyer. Kurt also had a difficult period, he was thrown out of the house by his wife, so he had to live for a while in some sort of institution with all kinds of other homeless people. He had a room to himself and they helped him find work. Kurt had a briefcase with sex toys but always put his toys away. One day he had to go to the boss of the shelter. He and his colleagues told him, 'Yes Kurt, you're welcome here, but we'd like it, if you would put your toy's away.' Kurt was confused for a moment, then figured it out. "Oh, sorry," he said, "I forgot to put it away." After that, Kurt was in a relationship with a person with autism. They loved each other, but that boy's autism was worse than mine. He always walked around nervously, asking a lot of the same questions, and so on. In addition, he was bored quickly and he almost didn't want to go anywhere. Eventually Kurt couldn't take it anymore and ended the relationship. That boy's sister also said, 'Wow, you put up with him for so long, I don't understand.'

After that, he was in a relationship with Jamie. He and Jamie got on well and had golden showers and even scat (poop sex). They were looking for kicks. If there was a fire somewhere, they would drive there to see what was going on. Once there had been a car accident and Jamie was so curious that he lifted the curtain. He saw a bloody scene and was so taken aback that he hadn't eaten properly for a week. Personally, I find this gross and dangerous. If there is a fire it is best to leave it and let the fire brigade do their job, also watching a car accident is very rude towards the victims. Kurt wanted a relationship with me, but we hadn't known each other that long, so I wanted to wait. Around August 1, I thought we knew each other well enough, and we had been together for a while, so I accepted it, we were in an open relationship now.

Kurt never had cash with him, which I don't find very handy, in some places you can only pay with cash. In addition, he posted every place he went on facebook which is actually not wise for privacy, both people and algorithms can then see what you are doing, but oh well.

Me and Kurt got on well. Once we had sex in a wheat field, we were sure no one was around. I heard the sound of a helicopter and then decided to go home. Even if that helicopter was far away, I didn't want to risk being spotted. Sometimes Kurt put on his dog mask, and sometimes I wore women's clothes. We could be ourselves with each other.

I did think Kurt seemed a little obsessed with Jamie. He always checked his cell phone to see where Jamie was. On those apps, you can see how many miles someone is away from you, which is fairly convenient to meet, but also a bit scary. Kurt knew how far Jamie's house was, so whenever Jamie left, and his mile number changed, Kurt said: "Ah, he's away from home again!" I thought this was a bit, too much.

Kurt and I both knew Eefje and Mona, and Kurt realized that Mona was always lying and that she had no girlfriend at all in Australia. Sometimes we chatted a bit too much about Mona, and I would say myself that we should chat about something else, complaining about someone all the time isn't good either.

In the meantime I practised a lot with my car, but there is a waiting time before you can take your practical exam, which was quite demotivating in the beginning, I thought. So I looked to get my driver's license for my vespa, my scooter. We got practical lessons and were allowed to practice, the following week we had our practical exam for the scooter, but I was so clumsy and nervous that I was the only one who did not pass the exam. But yes, those teachers were also a bunch of know-it-alls, you weren't even allowed to put your foot on the ground, while you often have to do that when you drive a scooter and stop, otherwise you fall down on your sides. Anyway, I it was good I took these lessons, I practised and learned to drive slower by both driving forwards and braking.

After a lot of practice with the car, I took my driving test and passed it for the first time! Because there was not much to do because of the virus, I practised lifting weights, and I also found a doomsday cult online, in discord, in which people thought the world was going to end on September 5, 2021. It was hilarious!

Unfortunately, there was one other server, with the same belief, who tried to convince people (teenagers) to drink gasoline. On those servers, all kinds of different people came up with all kinds of conspiracy theories. It was very interesting, and I used these ideas as the plot to write one of my thriller stories.

37./42 Kurt Part 2: The Trash That Puts Itself Out. This text contains references to sex and BDSM Kurt and I had an open relationship. There was one thing I had never tried, in my sex life: going to a sex worker, a prostitute. You may think 'Hey, Sarah, that's not ethical, isn't it'. But those women earn more in one hour than my psychologist. A psychologist costs 50, maybe 75 euros, but for a sex worker you pay 130, 150 euros for one hour! So yes, I looked up redlights and made an appointment a month later at 'Maison Des Fleurs'. I went there with my mother's car, my parents were travelling at the time, so I could use the car. I was quite early so I waited. I sent messages, but got no response. Then I called, but her cell phone was off, or it was set to do not disturb. I went in, there was a bench there. I waited… I thought maybe she's busy with a client up there? Half an hour passed and so I looked up the number for Maison Des Fleurs and called them. A man answered and I explained. So, guess what happened? That woman didn't work for that place at all, she worked solo. In addition, Maison Des Fleurs was a love hotel, not a brothel. It was a misunderstanding, she had taken that place because we had privacy there. It was a bit sad she didn't let me now, she would not come. Then I made an appointment with another sex worker. I went to her street, where she worked, but she also didn't answer not called. Really bizarre. It's their choice of course, but I don't really understand how and why. They could earn about 150 euros for one hour, but whatever. I also had to laugh at the thought, how bad must I be at dating if I'm being ghosted by sex workers? I was honest with Kurt about this, and he accepted this from me.

Kurt also mentioned that he knew Puppa, (see Chapter 33. Eefje Part 1). He'd been through something with her before I even knew Kurt. Puppa was homeless for a while and was looking for a place to stay. Kurt suggested that Puppa stayed with him, it was good for his loneliness, even if it was platonic. Puppa lived with Kurt for a while. He sometimes talked about his life and his past and Puppa passed this on to Mona and her friends, Kurt didn't like that. Then suddenly Kurt got a phone call. He answered, it was the father of Puppa. He was furious! He told a whole story about how Kurt just couldn't let Puppa into his house. He said she ran away and he was going to call the police and charge Kurt with kidnapping. I don't really get the point of that father, Puppa is a grown woman of 33 years old and even has a desk job. She's staying with Kurt with full permission, so I don't understand how a father could sue Kurt. But for Kurt this was too much, he explained it to the father and brought Puppa back to her house, fearing the police.

At home I was also looking for a sex worker. I asked a friend, who I knew had been to sex workers, where I could go. He said there was an escort agency in Roeselare. I went there, the woman I wanted didn't happen to be there, but there were others I could choose from. They introduced themselves and I chose one. She was a little chubby, in a good way. We had sex, I penetrated her and then I smelled her butt-hole while I jerked off. Then, I came, and then we cuddled a little more. She turned out to be quite intelligent.

So the stereotype that 'prostitutes aren't smart is wrong. It costs some money, yes, but I was happy for the experience, especially after failing the previous two times.

Things were going well between Kurt and I, but suddenly, in September, Kurt stopped texting. Well, a day or two is normal. I asked if there was anything wrong, but got no answer. Suddenly I saw that he had deleted our relationship on facebook. So, I spoke to him about it, but there was silence on the other side. I thought I'd drop by his apartment, but his apartment is quite far. My mother also said it was a bad idea and that I would only be wasting my time. So I let it go.

I wasn't sad, I had already been through something with Myrtille and the dating apps, which had made me more emotionally stable. Still, I was very, very disappointed. I don't easily block someone, especially not on facebook, but I saw Kurt posting messages on his facebook wall about how sad he was etc….

And I got tired of it so I blocked him. He knows that he can come to me if there is anything, and he could tell me anything. Even if he wanted to break up, he could just say so. But NOTHING? No, that's just childish. All sorts of theories popped up in my head. He had said that he was going to meet Jamie and that he was afraid of falling in love with him again…. I said I didn't think this was wise, but I couldn't stop him, it was his life, and as a lover I can't stop him. Maybe it was that? Well, yeah, it was like looking for a piece of paper in a garbage dump, so I shouldn't focus too much on him? I wish Kurt the best, he has a right to be happy like everyone else, yet he's a big @$$HOLE. It is the trash that has put itself outside. Plus he shouldn't come back to me either, what if he does this to me again?

38./42 No More Relationships! But for How Long? This text contains references to sex and BDSM.

I'd had it, I didn't want any more relationships. Instead, I could always go to a sex worker. It is expensive, but I thought to go every 3 months, then it is not that bad. I never go to a restaurant or travel anyway, so I can use my money for that. In addition, a sex worker is cheaper than a relation. In a relation you have to invest a lot of time, in addition you have to pay transport costs if you want to go to your girlfriend/boyfriend, plus your girlfriend/boyfriend wants presents, go on a trip and eat out, so you lose a lot of money and time. Then I'd rather go to a sex worker every 3 months.

Meanwhile, I researched the world of ERP, Erotic Role Playing. They were just servers on discord where people messaged each other. Using text they were a person or pretended to be a creature and by sending messages to each other they had 'sex'. They were 'scenes'. The advantage was that you didn't have to go anywhere, you could experience all kinds of fictional things with others just by text. There was no drama, and no chance of STDs. There were also many people, so you shouldn't be afraid of being ghosted either. Because there was always someone who was interested.

Meanwhile, Mum said it might be time to get back to work, and so I did. It was about November 202X. In the meantime I worked with a bureau of the VDAB, but nothing came of it, even though they searched for me. I found work in a tree nursery myself. I already had some experience with manual labour, and had to prune trees around the age of 18 and 19. Then I worked as a handyman at a playground. I worked there for a month, in the tree nursery, but it wasn't fast enough for the employer. He was a friendly employer, but he still said some weird things. Normally I had to work with a man, but that man wasn't there because he sprained his foot. So he expected me to work twice as fast. The boss would explain the work to me and I did as he asked, but every time he would come and say 'You misunderstood me, I said so and so, not this and that.' So he sent me to the field C to pull out the sticks from the cherry trees. I saw small trees there with red branches, I thought 'Field C, small and red, clearly cherry trees'. Then the boss would come and do that lame routine that parents and teachers always do to rub it in your face how stupid you are. He said, "Show me the cherry trees." I pointed to field C. The man said, "No, I clearly said NEXT to field C, you pulled the sticks from the apricot trees!" So then I had to work overtime to rectify that mistake.

If the second workman had been there, I would not have made that mistake. After that I had to prune trees, I had a little bit experience pruning trees. It was hard to squeeze with the scissors. It was too slow according to the man and he said "You've never pruned trees, you lied to me." It was so bizarre, he said it without any emotion, as if he were saying, "The weather is bad today." I then wonder, what have I been doing all day when I was a handyman when I was 18 and 19? Anyway, I bought some of those hand squeezers to train my hands, but it was too late. The man fired me, I was AGAIN not quick enough. In the meantime I have trained my muscles and hands. I can now lift 27kg (60 pounds) and can squeeze a clamp with a force of 60kg (132 pounds).

Furthermore, I had some erotic adventures online. For example, I once masturbated in front of the webcam, I wore a mouth mask and was unrecognizable this way. It was fun, through ERP you could be whoever or whatever you wanted. There were no limits, just fantasy and text was the limit, but I was starting to get a little tired of the world of ERP. There were always a lot of people who wanted to do ERP with me. So it always took some time and work. In addition, masturbating and typing at the same time was quite difficult. Eventually I had had enough and stopped. It was a different experience, but I was done with it.

I regularly sent messages to Eefje. It wasn't because our connection was over, that I acted childish and didn't want to hear anything more from her. I asked if she knew anything about Kurt, but she said Kurt completely ignored her too. Later when I sent something, Eefje didn't answer, but Mona. This was…. very bizarre. I knew that Eefje sometimes had to hand over her mobile phone to Mona, because Eefje received all kinds of messages from her friends about their problems and Eefje always replied to this, but still. It seemed a bit controlling of Mona, I thought. Mona began to brag that she had cleaned Eefje's apartment and was going to do her best to lose weight. I was surprised with this bizarre situation, but I said she was doing a good job. What should I say?

I met a girl from South Korea through discord. She was 18, I was 26 then. We sent lots of loving messages and even had cam sex. But our connection was then diluted.

Meanwhile I thought of buying a sex doll. My parents struggled with that, but it was my life, my room and my money. It was 700 euros, it was expensive, but if you compare it with a girlfriend/boyfriend or sex worker, it's still cheap. Plus you can choose which clothes, eye-colour and hair-colour she has! My sex doll, Natalie is her name, arrived in a box. Her body and head were packed separately, I had to screw her head on her body. It was an interesting experience. I asked Eefje how she was doing. She said she had a fight with Mona. I asked what was wrong and she said: "You know her too, don't you." Was Mona stalking Eefje now? Was Elly right about Mona's behaviour? Was Eefje right? Was she right with Elly and me? Eventually Eefje got to know someone new, with whom she has a good relationship. I'm happy for her.

In the meantime, I occasionally went to see a sex worker. I asked if they wanted to have pee sex, but they never had to pee. Until I went to an escort agency in my town, instead of REDACTED TOWN, this saved train costs. There was a sex worker there who peed on me and I could drink from it. I find it so exciting to drink a woman's piss, but I never get past one sip. The taste is to bitter. Still I like it.

It had also been a long time since I had tried a dating app. It was 202X and the last time was in 201X. So I thought, why not? I used Okcupid, Grindr and Tinder. That's how I met different people online. Like a vegan girl in a wheelchair, she wanted me to go vegan too, and I thought 'I could try it'. But eventually didn't click between us. She couldn't stand my dark humour, or the fact that I sometimes chatted about cults.

Then I had a date with a Chinese guy. We had sex once, but that was it. I was a little too weird for him with my sex doll and the fact that I occasionally went to see a sex worker. He had met someone new.

I also tried Grindr, but that was a very different experience. The men couldn't exactly speak Dutch or English, because it all had to go so fast. Were they stoned? I don't know.

Meanwhile it was 202X. I was feeling good, but didn't feel like celebrating New Years, I just crawled into bed early, while my parents celebrated New Years with their friends.

I was on Grindr and people there, they immediately asked for my address, as if I would just let strangers into my house, or go to a stranger's house. So I lied I was with a friend. I happened to go on Grindr, and not long after, the news came that a gay man wanted to meet someone in the park through Grindr, only to get beat up by a group of youngsters…. I also chatted with a man, we had agreed on a date, but that day itself he did not send, until suddenly late in the evening. We went to see each other. I told my parents where I was going, and left. I rode my scooter through the cold wind, rain and snow, it was the winter of early 202X.

I had arrived on his street but did not know his house number. With my cold fingers, I typed on my cell phone and asked where he was, I even sent a photo as proof. And what did that bastard say? "Oh wait I have a date with a shemale now." I said that I had ridden through the snow and was cold, and that he had no manners and patience. "Sure I do," he replied. "Obviously not." I said and I blocked him.

Despite the virus still circulating, my mother wanted me to work. She suggested volunteering for "The Holy Spirit". It's a place where my niece also works. It's an institution that helps children, disabled people and elderly. They do a lot of different stuff. I believe it is a catholic institution, I'm not a believer, but I can help people there. They have a retirement home, a daycare and even have a cleaning service. My niece works behind the desk and arranges the people who work in the cleaning service there. I went there for an interview, they needed people in two different places: in the elderly home and the centre for people with a non-natal brain injury. The latter seemed interesting to me. As a person with autism, I have learned to focus not on people's appearance and the way they speak, but on what they say. This is important for people with a NNBI because they have trouble speaking. Some even talk using a computer. That's how my volunteer work there started. I had to figure out a bit where I could help. I helped pour coffee, feed people, and play board games. But with the latter I never felt useful. I would then paint with a woman and philosophize with a priest who also happened to be a patient.

39,/42 Its Okay with Kay This text contains references to sex. I suspected that I was a woman. I had already told this to my brother, parents and friends. This made dating difficult for me. Because I would then tell people that I sometimes felt like a woman, and then straight women or gay men would lose out on that.

Online it said that I am gender-fluent, and there were already pictures of me dressed as a woman.

Someone started messaging me through facebook. His name was Kay. We sent often, but sometimes there was a day or two in between that he didn't send, so I assumed the connection was over, and then I got a text from him.

I had once seen him together with Jolonde in a cafe for people with ADD (yes, that exists). He was then a DJ in his spare time. He then told about the different styles of music he played for the people. Suddenly he said through messenger that he was in love with me. It came a bit out of nowhere, but men say that quickly. Some people have been friends for five years, have sex, but don't call it a relationship. While others say after a few messages 'I love you.' Well, the virus was doing the rounds, so meeting people was hard. Unless I was stupid enough to let Grindr strangers into my house. So I explained that I wasn't made for a relationship, but we would see. I also told him clearly that I was gender-fluent: that sometimes I felt like a man and sometimes a woman. Kay said he found it attractive that I was crossdressing, he found shemales very attractive.

I met a trans woman through OKcupid. The conversations started well, but soon I had the feeling that I had to walk on eggshells. I once said 'Yeah, man! just as a statement and answer. I sometimes say 'Jesus! say while I am not Christian at all. But she was offended by that saying she was a woman. She said she was going on vacation. I asked where, but she meant she was going to be offline for a while, until Monday. I wished her luck, and left her. Monday, I politely asked how she was doing. Tuesday I got a very long message where she did a whole explanation that she asked "not to message and I did this anyway" and that I didn't give her space, etc, etc, etc. I'd never seen her before, and she's already giving me so much drama. If she wanted to be left alone, why didn't she set her cell phone to 'do not disturb'? She could just ignore me for a few days. I honestly told her that we obviously didn't have a click and I just blocked her. A mean voice said in my head 'She asked for more space, well you've given her space now.' She happened to mention that she snorted coke sometimes, so maybe this had something to do with it? I don't know.

I was going to meet Kay, I guess it was April 202X. We saw each other in Roeselare. We went for a walk in the park. I saw why Kay always typed with abbreviations; he didn't have an ordinary smartphone, but an expensive designer smartphone. It looked like a red flip phone, you could use it on whats app, but it couldn't do many things with it. And like an old mobile phone, he had to press one button several times to create one letter. Kay promised me to teach me how to play Yu-gi-oh. We walked in the park. Kay asked if we could have sex in the bushes, but it was a park with a few bushes and trees, if we did something there, everyone would see it, I really don't understand where he got that idea from.

So we went to my house and made love there. Not much later there was a meeting for people with ADD, in the cafe for, well, people with ADD. Kay arrived a little later. He asked 'Have you told everyone yet?" I said 'no' because if you want to tell people that you have a connection, it is best to ask the partner first. Kay would say 'We're a couple.' I replied: 'Wow, I think it's a bit early to call us a couple.'

The days passed. Kay came by regularly. We played games, watched anime and movies. Kay was a big fan of Marvel movies, no matter how milked that series was We also had a lot of sex. It was fun because Kay was also into golden showers. In the shower we peed on each other, and then washed it off well, of course. Sometimes we went for a walk, but he didn't like it very much. So sometimes I would go out alone for a walk, so I could get some exercise and get some fresh air. Kay said he was writing a book and his job was delivering packages with his bike. He told about his past, his father abused him because his father was a drunk. His father had died fairly early from cancer. But Kay didn't want to talk much about that. Did his early death have something to do with drinking a lot and not caring about his health? Or is it just coincidence? Kay and I had known each other for a month, and Kay wanted a relationship. So I approved, we had an open relationship together.

We would fall asleep together, or at least I tried, but it was hard. He was constantly moving in his sleep and I would suddenly get his arm on me in the middle of the night which woke me up. So we slept separately. Kay in my bed and I in the guest bed. When we had sex we usually shared the sex doll.

In the meantime I had met a trans girl through OKcupid, she was sweet and also creative. She also had an open relationship with someone else. We arranged to meet at my house. I wanted to make spaghetti and coincidentally my parents had made spaghetti that day too. Still, I wanted to prove myself and bought all kinds of vegetables. She came by train.

She was very pretty. She had blond medium length hair, and was wearing gothic clothes. She was wearing a short skirt. She had a little pot-belly, but I thought that was cute. She had a lot of stuff with her, because she came out of her studentdorm. I started cutting the vegetables, but she saw that I was very nervous. So she asked, 'Why don't we eat your parents' spaghetti?' I said 'okay'. We went down, maybe she felt safer with other people around? I wouldn't do anything without permission though. I showed her my drawings, and as I talked about my drawings it dawned on me that my illustrations of aliens, nudes, and gory scenes weren't a good idea for a first date. We drew together and it was fun. It was time for her to go back home. We went to the bus stop, and guess what?

She had forgotten her headphones. Meanwhile, my mother had seen this and tried to return the headphones, but she couldn't find us. So she put the headphones back in place, thankfully. I then came, took the headphones, took my bike and went to her as fast as possible. I gave her the headphones. Thus the problem was solved, just in time! I think we sent some more afterwards, but there was no second date. Was it me? Was she busy? I do not know. That's just how life is.

In the meantime, I was further exploring my gender. It was a barrier to go out with women's clothes, but I did it in the end. People didn't look weird, I wasn't yelled at or beaten up either. So I could go out as a woman and that felt good. Yes, sometimes I get laughed at, but I don't give a sh!t. Besides, whether I go out as a man or a woman, everyone is walking around with a frustrated look these days, so I can never know if they are frustrated with me or with life.

Joris, a patient of my volunteer work wanted to lose weight. I was lifting weights at home and got an idea. I asked if it was a good idea to bring my weights to 'The Holy Spirit' and I was given permission. It started with George and then Dereck joined in. Then Sebastian joined in too! And now, every Tuesday and Thursday I do weightlifting in the day centre of 'The Holy Spirit'.

Kay and I also went to the gay sauna together. It was cosy and dark. There was a small pool, a hot tub, and a bar where you could have a drink. There was also a cloakroom, and everyone walked around naked. On the first and higher floors there was a sauna, and a 'cinema' which was just a small room with a screen showing gay porn. There was a kind of mirror room, with a mattress in the middle. There Kay and I had sex with two older men. We had a foursome, an orgy!

Meanwhile, the VDAB had found me an internship. It was a desk-job, using a computer of-course, at the company 'family support'. The internship lasted a few months and was in the summer of 202X. It is a company that arranges cleaning aid and babysitters for people. My colleagues happened to be all women. This was actually pleasant, and my grandfather said jokingly 'Oh, that's a shame isn't it?' I had to transfer data from paper to computer, by typing it. In addition, I had to put physical folders full of information in cupboards. It was information from people who needed family help, so that everyone could who was whom and what problems they had. Most people were elderly.

In the meantime I had met a boy, from France. We agreed to have sex in Knokke, he also went to Knokke to watch a bicycle race. We did have something in common, we both liked nerdy stuff and cartoons. I went to the beach by train, he took us by car to a mc donalds to eat. I hate mc donald's, junk made from animal cruelty, stuffed with preservatives and one of the major causes of global obesity but, hey, it was okay for once. We went to a hotel together. We had sex, I sucked him and then jerked him off, and that's how he came. I tried to cum as well but it was hard, that boy just left the TV on, that way it was hard to have sex when you hear southpark joke about covid with their squeaky voices. The boy fell asleep, and you should know, I often have trouble sleeping. Normally I masturbate and cum to fall asleep. An orgasm releases oxytocin, which is also called the love hormone, but also makes you tired. I tried to masturbate, but the boy turned in his sleep, I was afraid I was going to wake him up. So I got out of bed. I layed on the floor, which fortunately was all carpet, and I put porn on my cell phone, on mute of course. This way I masturbated. Partly I was afraid that the boy would wake up and find me on the floor, floundering with my legs, as if I was having an epileptic seizure under the blue light of my cell phone. I came and exhausted I crawled into bed and so I fell asleep. The next morning the boy took me to a supermarket where we bought croissants. We ate these on the beach. With the sea breeze in our hair. I walked the beach, went to the sea, and touched this source of life with my bare hands. I went home and he was going to watch the cycling contest.

It was around this time that something had happened…. Lilly my four-legged friend, she had died. She has had a beautiful and long life. That is the most important thing, a long and happy life. She was in my life since I was 12 and went away when I was 27. She was about 14 years old according to mum. Lilly and I had been through a lot together, and we had walked a lot. Mum and mooka often took her to the vet at the end of her life. Lilly often wagged her tail, so she was still enjoying her life. Mum and mooka and I went to the vet together, meanwhile Lilly had developed a strange cough. The vet saw this, and said, 'This means she has water in her lungs, this poor dog is suffering now, I think it's better if we put her to sleep now.' It was strange to live without a dog. Otherwise there is always someone at home that you love, and now that person was gone. Yes, I say person, because a pet is surely a member of the family. I already made plans to buy a pet myself, I can be alone, but such a warm creature gives a lot of love.

Meanwhile in August I decided to go through life as a woman. I was a woman now, no more genderfluid. I let everyone know. I had to let my grandparents know too, but according to my parents it was still too early for this. Then I wanted to say it, but my grandmother had to have surgery, so it was a bad time then.

They eventually let me go from the family support company. I wasn't fast enough. So I went back to volunteering at 'The Great Spirit'.

33./42 Eefje Part 2, A Game of Adult Babies and Stalkers This text contains references to sex, BDSM and stalking Eefje, wanted a relationship with me. I was honoured but wanted to wait a bit first to see if we had a good click. A month passed, and we were still doing well. So okay, we were in a relationship. We liked each other. It was a pity that she lived so far, and that she was often in the institution. I even went to see her at the mental institution. A lady had extra food vouchers with me, and gave me one so that I could eat there. I felt a bit bad that I ate for free even though I wasn't a patient there but I was hungry what else could I do? It was a quiet place and no one had a mental breakdown then, it was more like a cosy rest home than anything else. Eefje had turned on the television, and with my ADD I was distracted by the television. Eefje didn't like this, because I would pay attention to the television instead of her. This was always a little frustrating for me, she knew I was ADD but she turned on the television anyway. I loved her, and a stupid TV isn't going to change that.

Eefje had met a friend, she was also a trans woman, into puppy play and into BDSM. Her name was Mona, and she liked me too. I had long hair then, and she said she was into femboys. On facebook I happened to see some pictures of her and Lore together, but they weren't friends on facebook. I also saw pictures of her and Kate, they seemed to be close together once.

I spoke to Lore about this, and she was a little shocked. Lore said Mona was the person stalking Elly!! I asked if I could know more about this, since Mona was suddenly 'close' to my life. We agreed to get together, I went to visit Elly's house where she told everything:

First, Elly and Mona got on well. Mona turned out to know a lot about BDSM and partly worked for an Australian media company that gave BDSM workshops. Some said to Elly 'I don't believe all of what she says.' or "I don't trust it." but Elly ignored this. Mona and Elly worked together for Elly's workshops. One day, for some reason, an argument broke out over bondage rope. Mona claimed that she herself had bought rope that Elly used from her, without refunding it. I don't know how much money or how much rope it was, but that fight sounded so stupid. There was a lot of arguing and bickering about it, eventually Mona decided to cut herself off from Elly and set up her own BDSM workshops. Unfortunately, Mona couldn't stop there. She tried to make Elly's life miserable. Every time she bought something, she sent the bill to Elly. in addition, Elly also received a lot of hate messages from Mona and all kinds of other Facebook accounts. Those facebook accounts were supposedly people who worked for that Australian media company. Elly looked at the accounts, but they were rather odd. According to her profile, one of the accounts was a Jehovah's Witness, a Jehovah's Witness will absolutely never work for a BDSM company. In addition, those profiles made the same typos that Mona made. It was obvious, it was just Mona. When Elly said that to those accounts, they suddenly said "Oh Mona just took over my account, we do this often". All very bizarre. It was just Mona. Mona also called all kinds of BDSM and swingers clubs to say that "Elly is acting very dangerous with her BDSM and totally disregards permission and safe words." and so on. The clubs themselves thought: "Elly isn't like that at all." The harassment weighed heavily on Elly's heart, she had to cry regularly at work, her work had nothing to do with BDSM. Mona could just contact her work and say that Elly is into BDSM which allowed them to fire her. Elly took this to the police. They advised her to prepare a file, so she did. It took Elly a while to put this all together, but now she can laugh about it. As soon as she gets a bill from Mona, she says to her friends "Ah, Mona has been crazy again!" and puts that with the rest of the file.

Not much later Eefje and Mona turned out to be in a relationship, a platonic BDSM relationship. I felt conflicted about this. On the one hand I was with Eefje, and I loved her very much, but on the other hand I had to try to keep my distance from Mona and I didn't want to lose the friendship with Elly. I told Eefje about the situation, and she understood, but didn't believe Elly, but okay, I warned Eefje, I did what I had to do. If she didn't want to listen to me, so be it. If Eefje and Mona have a beautiful friendship, I can't be against it. Plus, it was an open relationship, I could still have fun at the gay-bar, or date other women.

It was spring 201X and it was my birthday. Coincidentally, on my birthday, a BDSM-themed drag performance was held at the gay bar. It was great to see. I had a black cap and a chain on my trousers for the occasion. I asked if it was a good idea to put on my BDSM attire, and people were curious, so I went upstairs, put on some kinky clothes, and even danced on stage for a while, in between dance scenes. I wouldn't do this during a dance scene because I don't want to disturb the work of the drag queens. It was a fun evening and everyone had a good time.

Meanwhile, Boris had asked if I wanted to go to a gathering, a party for Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers.

Yes, I know, it sounds wrong. But they are just adults who sometimes feel like a child, and then dress like a child and behave like that, this can be done with or without a diaper. Then there are just diaper lovers, people who like to wear diapers, at home in their private lives. Adult babies and diaper lovers are often referred to by the abbreviation ADBL (Adult Baby Diaper Lovers.)

The ADBL movement lives a bit entangled and next to the BDSM community as those 'kinks' are part of BDSM. On the other hand, some BDSM practitioners find ADBL weird or ADBL people find the BDSM a little scary with their chains, whips and ropes, which is in contrast to the warm safe world of ADBL. So yes, I was very curious. And the ADBL world seems like a nice place. In addition, I find the thought of an adult beautiful woman with a diaper or pacifier attractive. So Boris and I went to the ADBL event in Limburg. It took a while by train and we slept in a hostel. Boris had already been there alone so I trusted him. The thing was that Boris is also visually impaired, so I had to help him sometimes. Normally I don't sleep in hostels after what happened in Lisbon (see chapter 20. H, a long love part 2: Beyond the borders).

Boris showed me all kinds of cosy cafes and good restaurants. I also had to think about it, as a blind man he didn't much benefit from the visual beauty of buildings or exhibitions, so his world consisted of drinks from cafes and good food. Boris also said that as little he sometimes felt like a girl. Her name was Beatrice. Finally it was evening and the event started. It happened in a swingers club. The event was not sexual, but the only people open-minded enough to organize such a gathering are now people who also run swingers clubs. It was nice there. There were plastic mattresses on the floor at a corner that you could rest on. Which was handy. I hadn't slept much in the hostel. Soft romantic music played and the television showed children's programs. There was a bar, and even a pool, but that pool was out of order. At that meeting there were indeed several people dressed as children, some wearing diapers. There were people of different age groups, some people around 60, I think even someone in their 70s. There were also people around 30 and some even younger than me. There were a couple of pretty women, and one pretty boy with long blond hair who dressed like a girl. I also chatted with a few people whom were a bit older. I wondered how they found out they were into diapers and how they got to know each other without the internet. That of the diapers, started individually, with one person. He liked to wear diapers. There were others who also had the same feelings about diapers. Apparently they got to know each other through advertisements in sex shops or sex books. Then there was a tour. Upstairs there were all kinds of rooms where people could have sex during the swingers club. There was also a jacuzzi. The boss opened a door to one of the rooms, but there was a couple there changing each other's diapers. 'Oh, sorry,' said the man and closed the door. He also showed an SM room. There was an Andrew's cross there. Then we went down to the basement. There was a dungeon there, but it wasn't much, it was a few wooden walls, with planks and glory holes in it. Nothing special, but still it would be nice to have sex in it. The man said that sometimes BDSM evenings were held. Everyone was of course over 18, but the age difference was taken into account. There were two different evenings, one for people under 45 and one for people over 45. The man said that the mentality was also different, he did not talk about how that mentality is different. Perhaps the older ones are more focused on the Sub and Dom distinction. Since younger BDSMers tend to be switches (people who can be both Sub and Dom). Maybe younger people in BDSM are more focussed on consent and more LGBTQ+ minded as there are a lot of young trans people in the BDSM world, but I'm just speculating. The tour was done. I was back among the littles (adult babies) and sometimes I felt like I was among children. We were throwing a ball at each other, and suddenly someone threw a plushie in my face quite hard, so I left them . Not much later I went back and cuddled with a boy and that was pleasant. For the occasion I had a pacifier with a string on my neck to empathize with the adult babies, and the boy put the pacifier in my mouth. After this experience Boris and I went to sleep in the hostel and then went home.

Boris will be back in the epilogue!

34,/42 Song of Old Men and Mona Warning sexually explicit text and reference to BDSM and stalking Somewhere in my mind Eefje makes music. She mixes a song from two different records, one about old men and one about Mona. This is the song, the chapter: Besides my love-life and friendship-life I also worked for a few months in a chocolate factory, but then they fired me because they didn't get enough sales.

Not much later I worked in shop that sold construction tools, but I got sick and could not go to work for a while, but that was reason enough for them to cancel the internship. I refreshed my excel knowledge and followed a course for Microsoft Project, a program for making schedules. I also continued to write my thriller short stories and learned to drive. Eefje lived near Antwerp, so I had to sit on the train for a long time, the advantage was that I could read many books. I borrowed books from my brother and my mother. In the end I got a little tired of going so far every time. So I agreed with Eefje to rent a small hotel together between her place and my place. It was fun, we ate together in a small cheap restaurant. Sometimes we did BDSM, I would whip her with permission, but the 'smacks!' were so loud I was afraid I was going to wake people up like that, so I put my whip away.

We watched movies together. We cuddled, and I would jerk off, the next morning we would have a nice breakfast together. Eefje had trouble finding work and lived off the state. The apartment where Eefje lived was rented out by the state, but the owners of the apartment complex had found a company that was willing to pay more, so a lot of people had to pack their belongings and move out. So Eefje was going to be homeless for a while, really shameful of those landlords. Me and Mona would try to help her, while my parents didn't approve and complained about it constantly. I had to look for a garage to rent for all her stuff and Eefje would pay it back to me. I also went to Eefje's apartment to help with the move together with Mona. I was also looking for an apartment to rent for Eefje and I, but for that I had to find work. I had briefly found work in a lamp factory, where I had to assemble lamps. You expect something like this to be done by machines these days. There was a man who was going to teach me all this, but he only came every now and then, surrounded by a strong smell of beer, sweat and weed. After a few weeks he saw that it was not going too smoothly, so they put me at the packers, but the man was very childish there. The boxes were never "correctly folded" and for the slightest wrinkle I had to redo it. So after a week I was fired for not being fast enough. There was something dystopian about the lamp factory, it was a bare big grey building, and the breaks were signalled by a mechanical alarm. In addition, you always had to carry a badge to check-in, so the management, (or a computer?) would check your time. I thought things like that stopped in the 70's or 90's, but we still have these things but updated with modern technology, it was like a dystopian movie.

Unfortunately I couldn't help Eefje for an apartment, and Mona had found a garage herself. We had an agreement, Eefje went to live with Mona for a week, and then with me and my parents. Since my parents didn't want to be with Eefje all the time. So that's how it happened. The people had left the apartment and Mona brought Eefje to her, and then to me.

It was nice when she was with me, we went for a walk. She had her fake ears on and a fake ponytail. Once we were in a part of the park where no one saw us, I put on her leash. She liked that. We were happy together.

But, There was a dark spot in our relationship. Mona always came up with wild stories about Elly, but those stories always sounded so unbelievable. She told how Elly stole her rope, and in that aspect it is indeed Mona's word against Elly's word. Mona then began to talk about how Elly and her friends spread gossip about her, and drove to her house especially to have her tires punctured. Sorry, but I really don't see Elly doing that. Mona was quite a standout as she always wore her spiky collar and was trans so maybe someone from her neighbourhood had done that because they thought she was weird. Mona also told about the Australian company and how she had a sister in Australia that she got along with well, she wanted to take Eefje and me to Australia. Like that's ever going to happen! It reminded me of manipulative behaviour, taking people to Australia so you can isolate them, so you have more control over them. That 'sister' sounded too… unbelievable, that sister always agreed with Mona and everything she said, so I don't think that sister existed at all.

Since then I almost stopped lying because with Mona I just noticed that she was lying, I can't tell how, the things she said just sounded improbable and made up, so, if you lie people will just notice. Even though they 'play along' most people notice. So it's better not to lie, or as little as possible anyway. She kept talking bad about Elly and her friends, and Elly was always brought up as the subject. It seemed pathological. Sometimes I felt like saying "Would you just stop? Please?"

There was one advantage. I matched up with both Mona and Elly, and that's quite special. Both were well-known figures in the BDSM world, or at least they pretended to be. I said I didn't want to choose between them, and neither Mona nor Elly made me choose. Still, I thought Elly sounded believable since she didn't show the fact that she was being stalked, she wanted to keep it a bit hidden, while Mona did nothing but talk badly about Elly.

Meanwhile I went to the gay bar, if I wanted to have sex. There was a man there who still looked okay, around 50. We French kissed a bit, and we went to his apartment. I quickly sent a message to my parents where I went for safety. Normally I try not to go into strangers' houses, but we both felt like it. The man had a slight limp, and his apartment was all pink and filled with statues and corny things. Then I realized, I was going to have sex with an old man! He was probably past 60 or 70! Oh well, why not. We had sex, the man couldn't get an erection, but the sex was exciting and fun.

35./42 a new year into disease This text discusses mental health problems, suicide, sex and BDSM Mona had had a mental breakdown, and had herself committed to an institution for a while. She wanted to hang herself in her room, but decided not to do it. She only told me and Eefje. She told the rest of her friends that she was going on a trip. After a while she went back home, but she refused to sleep in her room for a while as she wanted to attempt suicide there.

It was New Year 202X and we went to celebrate at Mona's house. At the time, the virus was something that, according to the media, only occurred in China. I felt comfortable going because Mona still lives with her parents, so her parents would be there as well. WRONG! As soon as we arrived, her parents went elsewhere to celebrate New Year's Eve. At her house, the shutters were down, creating a dark atmosphere. No wonder Eefje was depressed, she sat in the dark all day and often didn't go outside. Mona's mother had adopted several dogs, so there was dust everywhere.

The dogs regularly pooped or peed, and then Mona had to clean this up. It wasn't that cosy. Mona always put on movies or silly comedy series. This made me distracted with my ADD and Eefje didn't like that. We played video games on Mona's PS4 and it was fun. Mona started telling stories about Elly again, about how Elly had called the police to Mona to say Mona was a paedophile, and the police stood at Mona's door. It was all so bizarre and unbelievable. Then we went to her attic. Eefje mixed music, that was simply her talent. Mona had a large projection screen. She then put on VTM, a stupid television channel, but okay. It was New Year's Eve, Mona asked why Eefje and I weren't dancing. We're two introverts, so we didn't have any reason to dance, and I certainly didn't feel like taking Mona's orders.

I went to sleep, I was allowed to sleep in Mona's room. It was a bed, but it was not made at all. There was no cover on the mattress, no cover on the pillow and no cover on the blanket. Plus the fact that she wanted to commit suicide there, gave the room an unpleasant atmosphere. Normally Eefje would soon come and sleep with me. I fell asleep, wondering when Eefje would lie down next to me. I woke up, Eefje was not there. I went down. Mona and Eefje were lying together. Mona was in bed topless, and I didn't want to see that at all. Mona, wasn't my type. Eefje was lying next to her. They had fallen asleep. They had a platonic BDSM relationship, and Eefje and I had an open relationship, so I had nothing against it. I thought it was a bit of a shame, but I didn't want to turn it into a drama, I find monogamy quite limiting, and jealousy a bad emotion that I don't want to focus on. Mona made me leave the dogs in the garden for a while so they could relieve themselves. The first thing Mona did in the morning was eat a bag of chips while watching a movie.

We stopped by a friend of Mona's. She was Mona's mistress. Mona told her everything, even what she ate and how much she weighed. This brought stability to Mona's life, according to Mona herself, and it motivated Mona to lose weight. She was regularly whipped by this woman. We got there. It was an older woman in her 50s, playing facebook games on her computer. Her daughter, around 20, was in her pyjamas watching a show. She seemed like a normal woman until she started talking about her BDSM sessions with men. She was a BDSM mistress, and was paid for it. She whipped men. She always had to tie up one of her clients, with permission, because he always tried to hide during the BDSM session. She also told what kind of material she used. She had one little white dog that barked at me, but I gently stroked him, and he stopped barking. We went back to Mona's house. I wanted to leave on time to catch a train, but Mona said I wanted to leave way too early, so we waited a bit, by the time we got there we were… too late. I took the next train back home.

I had a theory about Mona, why she turned her against Elly so harshly. First and foremost, Mona had mentioned that she has autism. Unfortunately I don't know how far to believe that. She also told her mother had borderline, which could cause friction between Mona and her mother. I think Mona also had borderline. What I've read about borderline it often happens that people with BPD quickly turn on others, as if they have two sides. They see everything in black and white, either they approve of you or you are bad in their eyes. In addition, there were Facebook photos of her and Kate on Facebook. As if they were very close at some point. However, Kate is a promiscuous person and is just honest about it. I suspect that Mona and Kate have had sex, several times, or were just very close emotionally, but that Mona then felt cheated as Kate has a lot of sex with other people. This sense of deceit and heartbreak made Mona angry. She turned her anger to Kate and Elly. Since Kate and Elly organized the bondage workshops together. But it's just a theory.

The most important thing was that Eefje was happy. I loved her, she was my cute puppy girl. She was very calm and introverted, but could also be a rebel at times. We went shopping, they happened to sell kitchen timers there, shaped like eggs. Eefje set all the kitchen timers to one minute so that they all went off. I saw this and put the alarm clocks back, causing the alarm clocks to make a bit of noise. The store employees looked a little angry at me.

Eventually Eefje got an apartment from the state. I was happy for her. The first thing Mona did was to move in with Eefje, yikes. I regularly visited Eefje, we played games together. We cuddled a lot and I masturbated. It was a bit irritating sometimes because she was living with Mona. Mona once opened the door without knocking with the excuse 'that the house had to be ventilated'.

She also watched a police show where we heard sirens every ten seconds, quite annoying.

I also worked for a few months in a supermarket, in my neighbourhood, but there too I was fired for 'not being fast enough'. In the meantime I often practised with the car, to get my driver's license. It was March 2020 and corona was in Belgium. I went to my physiotherapist because I sometimes suffer from a painful stiff back. So, I asked him if it was a good idea to stop coming for a while. He said, 'Are you old or do you have an immune problem?' I said 'no'. 'Then you can keep coming.' He said. The idea back then was that corona was just like the flu. It was deadly for old people, sure, but we shouldn't have to lose any sleep over it. Not much later, the doctors and nurses started ringing the alarm bells, so to speak. The hospitals began to fill up with patients who had contracted the virus.

Friday March XXth was Eefje's birthday, and I hadn't seen her for a while. Mum asked if it was a good idea to take the train past Antwerp, with the illness circulating. I went on the train with a mouth mask and plastic gloves. I was one of the first to wear a mouth mask. I also saw one man with a mouth mask, but everyone else was 'normal'. That day, the politicians had decided to introduce a lockdown. Mona, Eefje and I ate birthdaycake together and played video games. I had bought a present for Eefje, she wanted a collar, like a dog, since she was into puppy play. I had bought a tagged collar with her name on it. She was quite sad when she got this. Both Mona and I thought it was because of her depression and the fact that she was not used to it to get love. But later it will become apparent that something else was wrong. I also received phone calls from my driving instructor and my physiotherapist. 'Yes, I think it's better if you did not come for a while because of the virus.' Mona said she was going to stop working because her back was bothering her. "I'm retiring." she said. Pension? She was 37 then! Most people have to work until they're 65, and by the time my generation retires, we'll probably have to work until we're 70! I sometimes had a bit of trouble with Mona's and Eefje's relationship. Mona regularly 'punished' Eefje with whipping. In addition, Eefje regularly had to hand over her mobile phone to Mona. I had mixed feelings about this, does Mona read everything I send to Eefje?

The narrative about Covid "that it was just the flu." had changed to "It's a disease that kills old people, and by coming outside without a mask you are spreading the disease and killing grandmas and grandpas!" I decided to stay at home for a month, with the disease going around. It seemed the most responsible thing to do.

Despite this, I did go to the park every day, keeping my distance from people and wearing a mask. People started hoarding. What was actually funny, bacause I already had a food supply since 201X, when there were attacks in Brussels AND when a weird American president was coming to power, making it seem like World War Ill was about to break out. I had even bought masks against dust, you never know. They had told us that Belgium would only be locked for one or three months! What a joke! It was going to last until April/May 2022.

A month passed, and Belgium was still closed. I thought 'whatever' and I went back to the store, practised with the car and went to visit Eefje. I hugged Eefje, but she was quite sad. I asked what was wrong and she said she wanted to break up. I took it as it was. I couldn't force her. She wanted a relationship with me, and she was the one who broke up with me. Even Mona had no idea Eefje wanted to break up. Eefje had actually wanted to break up with her for a few months, but didn't dare say so. This explains a few things. Sometimes there was a long period when she didn't send anything, I thought it was her depression. This was the last time I saw Eefje.

28./42 Bang Bang Bang! I'm Pan! This text contains descriptions of sex and references to BDSM. Maybe I was kinky and into BDSM after all. I kept going to BDSM talking evenings and experimenting with all kinds of things myself, at home on my own. I practised bondage, and whipped myself with a belt, or a whip. I also attended a first aid course. I wanted to be prepared, just in case something went wrong, something can always go wrong, be it during BDSM, or a car accident, or whatever, you better be prepared.

I grew a lot mentally and had experienced a lot in a short time. If I wanted to do a lot, now was the time, because before I knew it I may have been in a relationship, and as soon as this tranquil school year was over, I had to look for work. I realized I'd never been to a gay bar before. I knew there was one my town, not so far from the town hall. So I went there. It was a bit scary, you had to ring a bell, AND there were two doors. The first thing I saw was a television playing gay porn. There was no one there except the bartender, the first thing I said was "I'm not gay." The bartender understood, and said, 'I'll make sure no one touches you.' That was a great reassurance. He told me there was a drag queen show tomorrow. That sounded interesting, and the next day I was there for the show. It was a beautiful show, a small stage, yet intense. It reminded me of David Bowie. Many men took pictures and videos of the performance. There was a man named Onno there. He asked for a kiss, but I didn't want a kiss, so I suggested a hug then. I gave him a hug, and the moment I gave him a hug it was like something went off in my brain. "Pang Bang Bang!" It was so hot. I wondered was I pansexual? Since then I kept going to the gay bar. I wanted to know more about sexual freedom, how did people have sex without hurting each other? The BDSM talk nights, and polyamory nights were only once a month, and I always had to rush to catch the train back home on time. In the gay café I chatted with gay men about sexuality, relationships and life. There were two floors upstairs. It was all a bit small, but there was a lot! There were booths that you could lock for privacy, although most had glory-holes. There was a cage, etc. Later around 2020, before the global virus thing, they had it renewed and so then there was also a living room with a sofa, and a television with porn on it. At home I started to fantasize about how several men did it with me. Each in turn, and then all at once, their stiff snakes everywhere. Finally, sometime in January/February I decided to give it a try: sex with a man. It wasn't just a test to see if I was bi, it was mostly to see if I could have sex outside of a relationship without hurting myself.

If I hurt myself, it was my problem. If I didn't hurt myself, it meant I could experience a lot of fun. So, that evening, I literally asked a few men if they wanted to have sex. But only Marxis was interested. Marxis asked if Onno could come to, they were married, and he didn't want Onno to get jealous.

I actually like that, because secretly I found Onno prettier. We went upstairs and had a threesome right away! I sucked them off. I layed on the floor as they shoved their sausages into my mouth. They French kissed me too. It was exciting for me, but I couldn't cum. The "joke" was that I had sex before my "three months without sex" were over.

At those BDSM talk nights, I'd heard so much about it, I wanted to know how it really was. All I wanted to do was to watch, maybe join in next time. But in hindsight I did something, and it was fun. I had arranged to meet some people from the BDSM talk evening to go to a club. It was a sex club that occasionally did something BDSM themed. They went to take me by car, it was quite far, an hour away. It was very exciting. It was quite expensive, 80 euros I think for a man. It was cheaper for women, transgenders or men dressed as women. There was food, all you can eat. I regularly ate something when I was hungry. I had stayed long. I saw things there that most people will never see in their entire lifetime! It was like entering a porn world where everyone looked normal instead of pretty models. There were a lot of pretty women, though. And one handsome cross-dresser. There were also a lot of cross-dressers walking around, they looked like giant women. A scene was happening. One woman was tied up with her arms raised. She was still standing, and she was blindfolded. She was pretty, despite her big belly. She was spoiled with all kinds of toys, but she was also whipped. No one was allowed to film or take pictures, everything that happened in the club stayed in the club. The scene was over. I asked how she was feeling, and she said "good" with a smile. It had given her energy. There was also something there for people with a vacuum fetish or something. It was a gigantic plastic bag, you could crawl into with a tube in your mouth for air so you could keep breathing. One girl crawled in. The air was sucked out of the plastic making it go against her skin, she was all wrapped up. Not much later she crawled out, she liked it. Upstairs I helped to spank someone. That's how I learned how to do it right. I also saw a couple. The man beat his wife with a giant whip, a bull-whip. The woman was clearly in pain and crying, but it was all with her permission. Men watched and masturbated. Still, this was a bit shock to me, to see that in action. Upstairs there was a kind of attic. There someone had a very powerful dildo, a kind of dildo that went up and down very quickly, it looked like a drill machine. Girls tried it and they shouted very loudly with pleasure. There were also old people who had sex there. For me it was like watching animals have sex, not exciting, but not disgusting either. There was also an old woman who was fond of cross-dressers, she would have sex with one. A couple was specialized in playing with needles and medical staples. It wasn't drugs, no, it was just for the experience. The pain and pleasure that comes from that. All the needles and staples came out of the packaging hygienically. I was also allowed to use it. I was hesitant, but tried anyway. I put A needle through the skin on the top of my arm, and a few staples. You can feel it, but it only hurt a little. I removed the needle, and then the staples with something special to remove them, that didn't hurt either. I definitely don't want to act tough, usually I can't stand pain, and I'm always very careful. A little later I had sex upstairs with a cross-dresser, a man dressed as a woman. I sucked on her penis and jerked off. I enjoyed it and came. We went home and I really like it. I reached an orgasm, with someone, without hurting myself, without making myself sad, even though I'll probably never see that cross-dresser again. She was a lovely person and I wish her the best.

I would regularly go to the gay bar to have sex with men, which was fun. I always did it safely too. It was clear. I was pan, pansexual. Usually it means that you are attracted to people's personalities, regardless of whether they are male or female. To me, pan means I'm attracted to men, women, trans people, non-binary people etc. As long as that person is sweet and beautiful. I do notice a difference between men and women. And admittedly, I'm more attracted to women because they're harder to connect with than men, maybe I find women prettier too. I don't use the term bi because some people think bi-people can't feel attracted to trans people or non-binary people.

29./42 The Normal Party Life This text contains references to sex. I liked the gay bar and often invited straight friends to the bar. I knew what it was like to have a normal relationship, and besides that I have explored a lot in a short time: dating apps, the BDSM world, and the gay world. But I hadn't explored the normal party world yet, except for that stupid scouts party full of minors, yikes.

Saturday evening I went into the night. From one cafe and disco to another. There was one cafe that was known to be "sleazy". I thought, sleazy people are usually open minded to drugs, booze and sex. So who knows, maybe I could find someone there to make love with. I went to the fringe cafe, and danced hard. I tried to talk to women, but no one wanted to talk to me. Two men snorted coke. A guy came up to me and said angrily, "Hey will you leave my girlfriend alone?" I asked the women if they knew him and they said no.

"If anything ever happens, I'll protect you," I said, showing them my cutter knife as proof. I tried to chat with the women a bit more, but nobody seemed to he interested, so I danced on my own and had a lot of fun. Screw those boring people! There was also one man who looked angry and said I danced like a woman. Not much later the bartender called me. He asked if it was true that I had a knife with me. I said "yes", he asked why, I said "to defend myself." Then he wanted the knife, and I gave it to him. I fight back if I have to, but I'm not a villain. I didn't want to risk dancing further into the night unarmed, I thought about going home so I asked my backpack back.

The bartender gave back my backpack, and to my great surprise he also gave my knife back. I left the bar, I thought I wouldn't be able to go there for a while. I've never been back in there. But hey, they were a bunch of weirdos, trying to talk to women they thought was weird, but doing hard drugs is normal? I had my knife back so I could still defend myself should something happen, so I continued into the night. One lesson I did learn, never show your weapon, never. If you're cornered, and could be beaten up at any moment, then you have to take it out to defend yourself. Well, anyway, I went further into the night. I found a cafe, the 3 wise men. There were young people dancing, men and women without shirts their bodies together. Yep, this seemed like a place for me. A woman in her 50's thought I was pretty and talked to me. She stroked my head. Unfortunately she only spoke French. She said I was beautiful, but so young. We danced together for a while. I said I was going home, it was 3 am. I waited to see if she was coming, she hesitated and decided to stay there. Too bad, but maybe also good, I live with my parents, and we didn't have a separate dining room back then, so it would be a strange morning if my parents suddenly saw her.

I went regularly to different bars, on the night from Saturday to Sunday. I chatted with many women and danced with that French woman. The normal nightlife was fun and it was good for my social skills, but there was just no sex in this world, maybe it was just me, I didn't care. I had fun, that was the main thing. After such a night I slept all Sunday. I then woke up on Sunday afternoon. I used the night from Sunday to Monday to help move. My parents had converted their studio into a bedroom, so their bedroom was vacant. My brother took their bedroom, and my brother's bedroom became a desk and dining area for me. I had to move a lot of stuff and give everything a good place. Monday morning I went to the REDACTED ART-SCHOOL to discuss my paper As soon as I got home from school, I fell asleep. The rest of the week I worked on my thesis and had a normal day and night rhythm until it was Saturday again. I went out every day, rode my bike for an hour every week, and I started studying for my driving test.

I reconnected with some high school classmates. We went to party together in REDACTED TOWN. It was fun, I chatted with all kinds of women, partly encouraged by my friends. They partly laughed at me, and partly admired that I dared to talk to everyone. I danced with women. Unfortunately, there was one time when a group of women formed, like, a barrier while dancing, so I just left. It didn't help that the music was so loud you couldn't even ask for a dance.

We went to a cafe with a pole, I pole-danced around it for fun. I looked at a woman and for some reason she said to me 'you are not going to touch me.' I said 'okay' and left her alone. That night I stayed with my friends.

We chatted on facebook for a few months, but the contact has dwindled and is now gone. Life goes on.

30./42 What I've Learned This text contains references to sex and BDSM. A lot had happened and I got a lot out of it. In the beginning I was like crazy looking for another person, but actually I could be alone. In fact, I was made to be alone. Somehow my despair had a positive side, because of this I went to all kinds of places, and I learned all kinds of things. I was looking for love, but actually love is everywhere. Love is also just a word. Some couples like to see each other, and have sex every day, but don't call it love. Others have a long distance relationship, see each other once a month and call it love. People say dating apps are bad and it's cringey to talk to all kinds of women in real life, but the truth is that using apps and talking to people is a great way to find love, sex or friendship. You also have to be honest. If there are others, be honest about it. If you just want sex, be honest about that. If you want to get married, just say it. It's best to say this fairly quickly, before or during the first date, otherwise people will feel cheated. If necessary, put it on your dating profile. It is true that dating sites and apps collect and resell information about you, so it is and remains your choice whether you use it or not. You can also always look at your hobbies, and get to know people that way, by joining a chess club, a Dungeons and Dragons group, etc. If you are looking for a relationship, sex or whatever, you will get a lot of doors in your face. You will be ghosted, scolded, etc. People will think you have bad intentions for some reason. Don't take it personally, that's life, those people want to be left alone, so just leave them alone. Eventually you get so many doors in your face that it doesn't hurt anymore, you became stronger. Rejection is such a strange word, people don't reject each other, they just set their limits and there's nothing wrong with that. You may not find sex or a relationship, but you have gained experience, a good conversation or found a good friendship! You should also always ask permission, even if you just want to talk, then you know for sure that you are not working on anyone's nerves. I've also learned that BDSM people don't have sex with tons of people. Many are monogamous. Some BDSM'ers are even, asexual, instead of cumming, they like pain. Everything is separate, and everything is a spectrum. Yet I noticed that the gay world, BDSM world and the polyamory world overlap. Communication is key, and consent is everything.

I've also learned that when people are having a hard time, the best thing you can do is listen. Don't get carried away in people's grief, just being there can mean a lot. You can help people, but always help yourself first. Sometimes you can't give others the help they need. You can't give help if people don't want to be helped. If you are happy yourself, you can help others. Also dare to say 'no', and clearly set your own boundaries. If people don't respect your boundaries, get away from them, worst case scenario, call the police. There's nothing shameful about that, you didn't want this, and it's not your fault. Sometimes people don't want anything to do with you anymore. You may never understand it, but you can respect it. If you miss someone, you can always think of them, this way they are never really gone, they are close to your heart. Maybe its not 'real' , it's just a version of them in your head, your interpretation, but it's nice to remember people who are no longer in your life. If it helps, then it helps. If you love people, you have to give them freedom, you have to be able to let them go. Also don't upset yourself when you are sad, emotions, anger, jealousy are all normal. There is a beautiful poem about loss: One Art by Elizabeth Bishop. Perhaps I do not understand the poem, but it is a beautiful work.

Sadomasochism and LGBTQIA+ people have been around since the dawn of humanity. It's not something new "invented by the internet". It is not "a disease of modern society" We are all human beings who want to be happy in our own way. You should also do things because they are fun. You should do sports because it's fun. You should write if that's fun. If you exercise for muscles or to get a girlfriend, you can be disappointed. If you write to become famous, you may be outraged. Just like Empire of the Sun said, 'We are running for the thrill of it.' It's also the case that I'm weird. Normal people think I'm creepy, so I just attract weird people, and they're also more interesting and fun. It's also boring to be normal, while weird people are rarer, usually more sincere and live life in their original way.

I read these books that helped me a lot between 201X and 202X: -'BDSM Basics for Beginners: A Guide for Dominants and Submissives Starting to Explore the Lifestyle' by Michelle Fegatofi This book helped me the least, but I thought I'd add it because it does tell you about how BDSM is.

-'The Ethical Slut' by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy I got a lot out of this book. It's a book about non-monogamy. It tells why there is nothing wrong with sexual freedom and also tells you how to deal with different situations as a non-monogamous person. -'More than two' by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert This book also helped me a lot. It's a book about polyamory. Sometimes the book exaggerates with all their questions to consider before getting into a relationship, it's so hard to find someone, and if you want to find someone who fits everything, you won't find anyone.

-'Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus' by John Gray This book has gotten a bad reputation. People see it as 90's sexism. Yes, the author strongly believes there is a difference between men and women. But John Gray is never derogatory to women. In an age of the internet, where men see women as emotionless robots or disposable tissues, and thousands of books about manipulating women, I much prefer a book like this. The books I read were very progressive, so I had to read something conservative so I could see the world from both sides. I thought it was interesting. Ultimately, it's about the different ways you can view relationships, and the different problems that can arise from them.

26./42 Whipped Twenty-Six Times The following text contains references to SM, eating disorders, self harm, and sexual assault. Feel free to skip this part.

I went to my psychologist and told a lot about Myrtille. The psychologist was happy for me, we both didn't know what was going to happen. The roller-coaster was at its peak, and soon went down into the darkness. The psychologist left on vacation and wished me the best of luck with Myrtille. Myrtille sent me messages. She told me she was whipped 26 times. I was shocked for a moment. I asked if everything was okay with her, and she said it was okay. She sent me an online BDSM (sado-masochism) test to see what kink's (fetishes) I had. She said I should do the test. It was a little weird. Until now, SM was something I had only seen online. I then watched such videos, and found it quite exciting. They were women who were tied up, with permission, and got spoiled with sex toys that were used on them. There was even one woman who used a large staple machine and stapled her own tits! Sometimes I feared that the women, didn't like it, but once the 'session' was over, they had a smile on their faces and said they really liked it. Myrtille sent me about fetlife, and I immediately created an account on it. One part of me was scared, another exited. Was it full of men there who wanted to stuff chair legs up my bum OR was it full of free-spirited women I could have sex with?

I knew what I had to do: I had to learn about BDSM! I thought everyone there was having sex with everyone. I was on fetlife, and it was a bit different what I saw there. The things which always had been hidden in the depths of my internet history, just happened in West Flanders. I saw photos of beautiful women, but also of fat 60-year-old men and women, who whipped each other or were tied to all kinds of torture devices. Normal looking people doing kinky things. What I felt was a thrill, a mixture of fear and interest. In addition, I saw a huge, huge amount of new words. So, I still had a lot to learn.

I went to a BDSM talking evening in REDACTED TOWN to see how it would make me feel. It was a day that I discovered a lot about myself so I remember it well, it was November 26, 201X. It was held in a restaurant that lent spaces to all kinds of different groups. Those groups could be companies, or fandom's, it didn't matter. The restaurant noticed that we were constantly chatting about sex and called us 'the crazy sex people.' We didn't disturb anyone though, and we ordered a lot of drinks and food. It took some getting used to the group. I was afraid it was going to be full of fat nerds, but there were different kinds of people. Most were normally dressed. Some were gothic, there were also many trans people. I suspect this is because trans people are more open minded. You have to have an open mind to discover that you might have a different gender than the one you were born with. And you have to have an open mind to realize that you are into BDSM. So yes, at the meet I tried to flirt with girls, I was still desperate. I also had to cry, because I felt that I had finally found my place. One half thought this was strange, the other half understood.

Myrtille talked about her experience. She had met a guy on Tinder who was into BDSM and he wanted to show it to her. They had agreed to meet at her room at a certain hour. The boy came too early, and she wasn't home. He sent her: 'For every minute you're late, you get an extra lash!' She jumped on her bicycle and immediately rushed to her room. There she was whipped 26 times, which she had to count herself. It hurt, but after that they had hugs and sex, which she described as very warm and loving. He had shown her fetlife. He said he had a place in Portugal, where women could get 'slutty training' for a whole week. Myrtille could then have sex for a whole week in a basement, tied up and whipped. My stomach turned when I heard this. I said, 'Wow, this sounds really dangerous. I think you better not go. And if you go, take someone with you and make sure you have a plan B to get out.' In retrospect, this was good advice. When I looked up slutty training, it turns out it doesn't really exist. People can just make up a slutty workout. It's a term that can be misused, to abuse women. I read that slutty training is totally not expected within the BDSM community. Being into kinky things is an orientation, nothing more, nothing less. If you want to do 'slutty training', discuss carefully what you mean by this, what you want, and what you do not want. Myrtille said she told all this to her Swedish boyfriend. They were now in an open relationship. I was happy for them. They had sex via skype, while Myrtille had decorated her body with rope. At the meet there was also a cross-dresser, a boy who dressed in women's clothes. He was extremely handsome. It's actually through meeting him, and others, that I started exploring my own gender, and discovered that I was a woman.

After the meet, Myrtille and I had sex. She stuck her finger up my nose, she knew I got nosebleeds easily and she wanted to trigger one. She said she was into blood-play. During sex she scratched my back, and I did the same back to her. We had so much sex. I was tired and layed on my back ready to sleep. But she would crawl on me and then fuck me hard, she moved rapidly like a mating bunny, she whispered to herself as this happened. And in case you're wondering, we always used a condom. Safety is important to me and Myrtille. Her parents had left her with a fear of pregnancy because she wanted to study and her Christian parents said 'If you get pregnant you have to keep it'.

The next morning she was in the shower for a very long time, and then she came to me, sat on me with her beautiful behind in my face. She knew I loved rimming. I was positively surprised, with my ex it took years before I dared to ask this. And even then, H. thought it was strange. I happily rimmed Myrtille with much gusto, and came. Then, I brushed my teeth well, she taught me a little bondage, she showed me some knots. She had ordered rope right after she met the BDSM boy.

She went immediately to bondage workshops. She told me that she let her body hang on rope, suspension, but when she did that she became nauseous. I was amazed that she could do all this while having a lot of sex, taking classes, studying, animating and partying. I'm a person with autism, so I'm slower in everything I do. Afterwards it turned out that she had not made a film and did not study at all.

Myrtille also complained about her boyfriend. She'd been to a skate party, and he'd taken a picture of her, but her skateboard wasn't on the picture. The relationship was breaking down, so he lied about smoking too much weed because he was having a hard time and so on.

After the BDSM meet I thought I was indeed into BDSM. I immediately bought chains and rope. I put some chains on my pants. I bought a leather vest and leather fingerless gloves. I wore goth-style clothes. Maybe people would notice that I was into BDSM that way. At home I practiced with rope. I had already decorated my office chair with bondage. I looked up a lot about safety, I looked up the difference between abuse and BDSM, because that is important. It's been a long time since I've done anything with rope, so if anyone wanted to do it with me, I'd have to relearn and practice.

My parents had seen a movie about a mother and father who had lost their children to drugs. My mothers said, 'If there's anything, whatever it is, tell us!' I said with a smile on my face. "Do you know what I've done?" My parents thought I smoked weed, but no, I told them I went to a BDSM talking event. My brother immediately went upstairs. My parents were afraid I was going to strangle myself, but I said I wasn't into that. In the end, it's good that my parents knew. Otherwise they'll find rope and handcuffs in my closet and get the wrong idea that I'm a murderer or something. It wasn't all BDSM in my life. I had four more friends to whom I told everything. I went outside every day to walk, as I still do today, and I wrote my thesis. I went to a lecture on women's rights and the metoo movement. Yes, I was for equal rights for men and women, but I also wondered what I could and could not do. It's also rather vague, sometimes. And who knows, I might get to know someone there. It was a bit of a bad time to be into BDSM. Since 2013, BDSM was suddenly in, because of some stupid fan-fiction that became hugely famous. Sixty Shades or something. Which caused many people to start exploring BDSM. The book was purely the fantasy of the writer, so it didn't give a good and safe example of BDSM, oh well, the positive thing was that BDSM was now more negotiable. Not much later the Metoo movement happened, this was advantageous in terms of equal rights. A lot of rich men, perverts, whom had harassed women without permission, or raped women had to appear in court. The news was mainly about the serial rapist Harvey Weinstein, who had film company in Hollywood, but now had to appear in court. Unfortunately, many men don't have bad intentions, but would like to have consensual sex, and many people just assume they have bad intentions. This often happened to me online, but oh well. It's the rapists' fault, because some bastards gave men and sexuality a bad name.

A girl from high school invited me to a party. So I started chatting with her online. Eventually it turned out, she invited everyone from her friends list, but oh well. It was a scouts party, so I thought it was all going to be leaders from 18 to 30 or something. My parents said I was going to get beat up there, so I looked up online how to defend myself. In addition, I looked up some dance moves and practiced them, so I also had a dancemoveset when I arrived. I looked up moves from the 90's and 80's so that my moves would be more original than the 201X moves they had. I wondered, where they going to do fortnite dances? I got there, there were three dark halls where techno or pop music was played. Strangely no one danced, they just moved their heads a bit. Many women seemed uninterested except for one. She pretended to kiss her friend who was a girl to, just like that, to tease me, but back then I had no idea what they meant. On dating sites, and in real life, I found that women often behaved strangely. I then heard Duran Duran sing in my head "would someone please explain, the reason for this strange behaviour" from the 1987 song 'Skin Trade'. I added her on facebook, and not much later she turned out to be 16. wtf. Like, what the actual F. I excused my self and said its better if we kept a distance and I was not going to message her anymore. I thought, 'Sixteen year olds should study at home and play computer games and not party after 10pm when adults are looking for someone to have sex with.'

I had heard about polyamory and thought this was for me. I read about it, and like BDSM, I learned a lot of new words. To this day, I find that polyamorous people have tons of useful words to describe emotions, connections, and relationships.

Meanwhile I kept talking to Myrtille online, something bad had happened to her! She was hit by a car on her bike and had to go to the emergency room. Her right arm, with which she wrote, was broken. Her boyfriend came to visit her and broke up with her. She was in a deep dark pit. Her parents didn't even know about her cheating, the open relationship, and her BDSM-life and came to complain like some ancient prude priests. "You had a relationship and sex before marriage, and now it's over, and that's not how it should be, and blah blah blah blah" Her sister was also getting married, just now when Myrtille was all broken and alone, she was jealous of her sister. Poor Myrtille. She was discharged from the emergency unit and temporarily returned to Sweden with her parents to recover.

My parents asked 'Why didn't you visit her in the hospital?' but she only was there for a moment, and I didn't want to be confronted with her family, or boyfriend. I also wondered, had she had too much to drink? Was she rushing to meet that BDSM guy who got to her apartment too early again? I couldn't sleep, and looked for something on my cell phone. Suddenly, in the middle of the night, I got messages from Myrtille. She said 'Help!' Surprised, I asked what was wrong. She said she was thinking about self harm, and I told her not to do it, to get help, a psychologist perhaps. She said she was engaging in self-destructive behaviour and I was very concerned about her. Also that cross-dresser, I got to know, told that she went to strange places. I didn't know what to do. Paul told me to ignore her for a while so I did, no matter how hard it was. I remember crying, my parents asked what was wrong, and I said I missed Myrtille.

I was still looking for myself. Who am I? What am I? What do I want? I went to REDACTED TOWN for a meeting on Polyamory. Most polyamorous people are friendly and they were kind enough to listen to me, but I just happened to hear some wrong advice that day. I chatted with a woman there, she said she wasn't helping anyone anymore. She had been through some stuff by helping a drunk boy, getting him sober in her couch at home, and suddenly the boy started camping in front of her house, he had become obsessed with her. She said, "I'm not helping anyone anymore." She told me to let Myrtille go, something I found extremely difficult, but didn't want to do.

Meanwhile I tried to find other girls through fetlife and the BDSM talking evenings, but it didn't work. I was desperate, people saw this, and this scared people away. I was desperate, and Myrtille was desperate, that's why we found each other. Plus, I'm sorry to sound sexist, but women have an easier time getting sex.

Men have a higher sex drive than women, so there is more 'demand' than 'supply'. And as icing on the cake, our culture tells men should "hunt women" while women should "remain virgins as long as possible". That is, of course, the biggest bullship that our culture is telling people. Anyway. Both at the BDSM talk evenings and in my class they realized that there was something wrong with me. I was looking too hard for girls. Sometimes I fear that I had scared girls with my messages. But it is what it is, I would never do anything without permission.

I had also made a drawing for a girl, and the next time she saw me she asked 'Who are you?' She just forgot about me. I had to think about that for a while, do we now live in such a superficial world where everyone has a five minute memory? Even Paul angrily told me that the people I hung out with were "as deep as paddling pools." I was also looking for advice on how to get sex. Unfortunately, I came across heaps of toxic advice. For example, there was a man who had sex with a woman and lied to her that he was married so that way they would never have a relationship. Then there was a man who had sex with a woman, she would be sad and she said 'We use each other only as masturbation tools'. And the man said 'yes, that's right'. People used terms like "hook-up" as if you were hanging a trailer to a car. I wanted to make love, not just have cold blooded sex like as if your eating a sandwich or something.

I also heard that many men ended up in sexless marriages and that there are more STDs in monogamous relationships. Non-monogamous people are honest about this, and will test themselves more often, while monogamous people trust each other, but sometimes secretly cheat. I didn't really realize at the time that a relationship was much more than monogamy and safe sex. But the reasons for me to get into a relationship were now gone forever and ever. A relationship? And you still have a chance of STD's and you even have LESS sex! No thank you.

Then it happened. As the autist I was, I had literally sent Myrtille nothing for a week, which was hard for me, I was counting down the days. Then I saw it. She was just back in REDACTED TOWN, and had told me nothing, nothing at all. In hindsight, I was egotripping, I assumed I meant more to her, she had a lot on her mind. I thought back then: 'I treat others how I want to be treated myself' And I was angry that she didn't return this. My mistake was having expectations, vague expectations that I didn't even tell her, I didn't even know what I wanted myself. I sent her messages. She said she was doing okay. I asked if I still had to come. And she said, 'that's no longer necessary, my circle of playmates is expanding.' My heart broke. I broke. I cried, but you don't see that through messages. Asked if I was good, and she said I made her drool. So I guess I was sufficient… I said I didn't want to hear any more about her sexual adventures, and that we weren't going to have sex anymore. She said she respected this. I was crying. My mother asked how I was feeling, and I said 'Myrtille has traded me in for a lot of other men, how do you think I feel?"

Myrtille was committing self-harm, and then I saw her profile picture on fetlife, her face with ropes around her neck…. I was so worried about her, so worried, and also so jealous. She had all the sex she could imagine, and I had nothing, nobody, I was a sick weirdo. I thought, "She had put my sex-drive in overdrive, and now I'm without sex!" I was mad at myself as well. How could I support free love, if I was so jealous? I wanted this feeling gone! Meanwhile, something bad had happened.

My nephew had an HIV test and it turned out he had HIV. I was broken. My nephew was going to die soon, or at least die in his 50's, I thought. Tessa Violet's song played in my head, the song 'Make me a robot'. She sang: 'Make, make me cold.' and 'Make me a robot. Take, take my soul'. False ideas, poisoned my brain. Did we live in such a cold world? I had tried a relationship, but this wore me out, I couldn't handle it. I didn't want a boring marriage, devoting my life to one person for the rare occasional sex. And with my autism…. what if I couldn't handle work and social life at the same time? Would I starve on the street? Were we in a world where people just pretend to be happy? Everyone had to run, and run after money and sex and everyone only thinks of themselves. A dog eats dog world. People just use each other like handkerchiefs to wank, and then throw each other away. The women who weren't weird about sex were mostly weird women, maybe worse than troubled Myrtille, ready to drag me into their pits of despair. I needed sex, but any woman could form abusive relationship. Was the world full of traps? Now that I couldn't find sex, what's going to happen? I had always been taught that sex was a primary need. It's at the bottom of Maslow's pyramid. I had learned that if you keep things trapped in your system, it will come out eventually, in an uglier way. Catholic priests had no sex, so they turned into paedophiles. Rapists were monsters, but people also said 'Rapists are lonely and desperate'. In my head I saw Myrtille, crying and screaming, being raped by a group of big muscular men. I didn't want to go to a sex worker, but I kept it as a plan B. I thought it was outrageous that prostitutes were so expensive, it's a primary need. Plus the longer it takes, the more expensive it was. I have trouble cumming so who knows how long it would take and how expensive it was going to be!? Were all the incels and misogynists right about the world? Was all I could do to be depressed or manipulate women? These were my toxic thoughts, the black dirty poison in my brain. Sometimes I thought about suicide, but I thought, I'll hold out in this world for a while, to see what this world has to offer me. Besides, suicide seemed rather, painful…. We both had a rebound, without realizing it. I for a relationship that had ended, and she for a relationship that wasn't even done, and we both fell into the void after this. I sent emails to several psychologists, explaining my problem and hoping for an appointment.

No one responded, except one psychologist. I told about my relationship with H. and the dates I had after it, but unfortunately, there wasn't time enough to talk about Myrtille. Yes, I'd been rambling for an hour, and I hadn't gotten to the point. Unfortunately.

27./42 The Break Down The following text contains references to violence, rape, self-harm, suicide, depression, sex and BDSM I was full of emotions, this expressed itself in crying, but also in anger. Sometimes I would run, to let out my emotions, to let out my anger in a healthy way, I kept running until I was to tired to be angry. One day I came home, and the Neighbours were making noise again. Usually when I was angry I would express it by punching my pillow, in my bed. So I tried that again, I didn't want to hurt anyone, I just wanted to get rid of my anger. My boxing turned into kicking my bed. I was so angry that I accidentally made the whole house tremble. My mother came up and yelled for me to stop, but that only made me angrier. She left, and I kept kicking until my anger was almost gone, but then my mom came back upstairs, making me mad again, so I kept kicking on my bed.

She came up again, and I shouted: 'Go away, I'm angry, I don't want to hurt you!' I kept kicking on my bed until I was completely exhausted. Apparently my parents had called the psychologist, whom was back from his holiday, and they immediately took me to him. I asked how much time we had, and he said, as long as we need. I am still grateful to my parents and my psychologist for helping me in this way. I told him all about the whipping, fetlife, the BDSM meet, how she had dropped me. I also said to him, "And you said I was doing a good job! You approved her, and behold, I'm completely broken now!" He said, "I couldn't know that, I don't have a crystal ball." He told me that if he heard it all right, she was probably a nymphomaniac with an attachment disorder. She was raping herself, he said. I asked, 'Where is this going to lead?' He said: 'Depression.' This was bad, but it didn't sound so awful. I imagined Myrtille hanging herself or being cut into a thousand pieces by a madman, but depression was not that bad. He said, 'What happened to you, does not happen to 99% of people.' and 'Your brain is addicted to her, it's best that you don't send her anything anymore, don't contact her anymore. You'll have to let her go.' Then I ate fries (a bag of fries) with my parents. Forsaken French Fries. My parents said to me soberly, 'Sorry, we can't help you.' I said I loved them, no matter what happened, it wasn't their fault. It wasn't their fault.

The next time, at the psychologist, I asked how long people could go without sex. I found that I shouldn't have sex for a while to let my sex drive calm down so that I wasn't so desperate anymore. My psychologist was quite confused and surprised, he could hardly put a number on it, but I kept asking. So he said three months. That was good, I hadn't had sex for three months after I went to Japan. Of course I continued to masturbate, and I kept looking for a woman, a woman who wants to do something with you is hard to find. I even told a few women that I wasn't going to have sex for three months, which is a bit awkward. Anyway. I also wondered, am I into BDSM? Those BDSM guys are all cold-blooded people, they have sex without it love and beat each other with whips.

I often went for a walk in the park. I felt broken, literally. I gave each aspect of myself their own personality. There was Gollum, based on the Lord Of The Rings character. The difference was that he had a lot more hair, and was ape-like. He symbolized my ID, my sex drive going into overdrive, my anger, jealousy, my filthy desires for revenge. Then there was Michael, he was a man who always wore a suit, and who looked a bit like me. He was full of confidence.

He went everywhere and talked to all kinds of women. He never gave up, and told me not to give up, that everything's going to be okay. Then there was me. Broken, looking for myself. Who am I? What do I want? What should I do? There was also Sarah, my feminine side, a gothic girl.

Music helped me through this dark period. I was listening to My Little Dark Age from the MGMT album. Before it became an internet meme in 2020. The song 'She works out to much' reminded me of the soccer woman. 'My little dark age' speaks for itself, I was in my dark period. 'Me and Michael this was the inspiration, for the personality, the name, of the aspect of myself named Michael.

Luckily I also had two friends to whom I told everything; B. and E. Unfortunately Q. left me, my stories were too intense, I was too intense. Then there was Paul. I had lost him as well. He found my search extremely exhausting. I told him about the BDSM stuff I saw, and he said this was the stuff from his nightmares. He told me I just ran after women and kept bumping into walls and making fool out of myself. Indeed, I was ghosted a lot online, and people were so rude to me that I, actually, got used to it. The thing is, sometimes women just want to live their lives, so if they want to be left alone, leave them alone.

He didn't realize this, maybe he still doesn't know this, that when you're looking for someone, you get a lot of 'No's' and doors in your face, just like when you look for a job. We agreed that I wouldn't say anything more about my sex life. I once said that I wanted to go to a gay bar or a party, to which he replied: "You have become a complete degenerate. You do a lot of dirty shit and visit all kinds of fringe groups." He came to my house to end our friendship. I accepted this and said, 'It's a shame our friendship is over, but at least you have the balls to come to my house and say it in my face. I wish you the best'. He did have a point. But I had been in a "normal" relationship for 5 years, and this was hell for me. Normal people couldn't answer my questions when I asked 'What is love?' To know what I wanted, I had to explore what was there. H.'s nightmare had come true, she had lost Josefien and me. Now the nightmare had me, by my throat. I had lost H., the love of my life, and I had lost Paul. A year ago I was afraid that Paul would kill himself and that I would lose H. because of my grief. But the nightmare had a plan B to catch me. Fortunately, Paul was still alive.

And, Paul will be back!

There was still a toxic thought in my head: that people need sex. I thought if people didn't have sex, they became depressed, like incels, or rapists. I asked my parents, 'If I don't have sex, won't I become a rapist?' My mother said something like, "If you think that way, then I raised you wrong." I didn't really understand her answer, and dropped the topic. I went to my psychologist, and I asked him the same question: 'If I don't have sex, won't I become a rapist?' The psychologist said: 'You are not a rapist, you are not like that.' I said, "But what if I don't have sex?" The psychologist: 'You can give yourself sex.' Me: 'What do you mean?' The psychologist: 'Masturbating.' Me: 'So… people can go without sex when they masturbate.' The psychologist: 'Yes' He was surprised I didn't understand. Me: "So why do priests become paedophiles?" The psychologist: 'Because they have problems with their self-image, they don't feel well. Or maybe they are mentally ill and want to abuse children, and priests often come into contact with children. Unfortunately, professions involving children such as teachers, sports coaches and scouts leaders lure the wrong people.' Me: 'And why do men rape women?' The psychologist: 'Because they have psychological problems, or are drunk and desperate. Many perpetrators have been abused or assaulted as children.'

Slowly I started to understand everything, and to see everything from a different perspective. I was looking for sex because I thought people needed it. So no wonder I went to all kinds of groups like Polyamorous people and the BDSM world. I also felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was desperately looking for women, but now I didn't have to. I still missed Myrtille, but I had to learn to let her go. I didn't think I'd go to BDSM meetings anymore, but what they all said there was so interesting, so I kept going. Myrtille was always there too, which was kind of weird, she just chatted to me like we were just acquaintances, and I saw her teasing other men there. Despite her broken arm, she had to quickly put together an animated film, because she hadn't really done anything for school. She had made something in which she had filmed her own shadow. I wanted to see it, I looked for it on the school computers. It was the last piece of the puzzle for me, but I didn't find it. It was like searching inside a dirty trash can for a letter or something. Something stupid you shouldn't do. So, Mentally I had made the connection that I could be without her, but my heart had yet to heal, of what had happened. Shit had hit the fan, and I smeared the shit off my face. I wondered what kind of shit the world had in store for me. I couldn't care less.

I also went to polyamory evenings, I wanted to know how it all worked. What is love? Would they know what it was? I also thought free love was such a beautiful idea. I was still friends with Rosa then, if only for a moment. We went to see each other in REDACTED TOWN. She knew I had a crush on her. She asked if I liked her, but now was not the time to make a connection.

My heart had yet to heal from Myrtille and my cousin just turned out to have HIV. So I wrote a kind of love letter to Rosa. I told her how I thought she was beautiful and cool that she knew so much about Korea and different animal species. I know it's kinda random, but it's always nice when you see that someone knows a lot about something, and teaches themselves things. She understood, but asked not to complain about Myrtille all the time while we were in REDACTED TOWN. In REDACTED TOWN we went to a museum and had something to eat. We sent messages for a few days, but that ended. She lived quite far away.

I celebrated New Year's Eve with my parents and their friends. It was good against my loneliness. It was now 201X.

My cousin came to visit once. He had good news, well it depends on what you see as good news. He told my family that the medication nowadays is so good that you can live a normal life with HIV. One can have HIV and become 85! Fortunately, the Belgian government reimburses a large part of the medication. I was so happy to hear that. I was afraid he was doomed. HIV is and continues to be a problem, especially in poorer countries. Preventing STDs is the best thing you can do. Use. A. Condom.

Myrtille was soon going to Sweden, back to her home, gone forever. She said she had a lot of work to clean up, plus her hand was still in a cast. I asked if I should help her clean up her apartment, but that I wasn't going to give her sex, she said it wasn't a good idea to come. She was right. It was partly a relief when she was gone. It was always a little weird seeing her at the BDSM meets, the girl I was so in love with and who accidentally broke my heart. School didn't feel like a strange place anymore as I couldn't meet her there anymore. I realized it was normal to be jealous in my case. I wasn't even that jealous of her, I was just very worried about her. And concern is actually a beautiful emotion, as opposed to childish jealousy. She'd been through a lot, but she was always able to pull herself together and stand up.

So it wasn't necessary that I was concerned about her. She was a grown woman for Pete's sake. I wasn't allowed to stalk her to 'help'. I couldn't give her the help she needed.

There was one dark sliver: she had suicidal thoughts, I hope she never does it, but in the end, I can't know in how much pain she is. So if she makes that choice, and I hope she never does, then I will have to respect her choice. I hope she is happy wherever she is. It was wrong of me to want her for myself. People are like butterflies, you have to let them go, release them, don't trap them in a jar where they slowly starve.

I knew I didn't need sex, people can masturbate instead of having sex, but I was still looking for love. What is love even? I asked everyone what love was, but each time I got different answers. I also watched all kinds of TED talks about love. I had started reading the book 'The Ethical Slut' and 'More Than Two'. I needed to know how it all worked, and maybe that's how I was going to find out.

I learned that I could give myself hugs just by hugging a pillow. In short, I learned to love myself. There's nothing narcissistic about that. Narcissists don't like themselves so they constantly seek attention and approval from others, they try to do this by telling them how "good" they are.

I loved myself, I realized that love was actually everywhere. Nature can be cruel, but it is also in harmony with itself. Ants help each other, animals mate and lovingly care for their young. The warmth of the sun is love. The plants give me oxygen, it is love. I get love from animals, if I can caress a dog or kitten now and then, that's love. I get love from my parents. I get love from my friends. People come and go, the world keeps changing, but the love stays. I know it sounds like hippie bullshit, but I'd rather have hippie bullshit and be happy than be sad and cynical for the rest of my life. I remember laughing, I don't remember why. But I was positively surprised. I lost H. and Paul. My nightmare had become a reality, yet I could still laugh in this world. I felt like a phoenix then. I was reborn from the ashes of pain and sorrow, and I felt tremendously, tremendously powerful.