"Making It Sapphic."

Most things make us want to die. Not FOR them but BECAUSE OF them.

There is a difference between WANTING to make and sell someone a hot dog and then making one and selling it because you HAVE too.

When we say, I'd die FOR you, it's a micro confession we're hoping gets passed off as a joke by everyone but secretly understood by the person we just poured our heart out too.

Again, we could be joking when said to a stranger but when talking to our people? No. Because when someone is worth dying over (when most things just make us want to be dead) it's different.

We're essentially saying that we fight the erge to die everyday because you exist and if anything threatened your existence and we could stop it with our death then we'd give up the chance to keep witnessing you AND the other people/things we live for to MAKE certain you made it.

Like we are still here for a list of reasons. Our animals, our friend, that old lady who needs helping cleaning her house, that next Taylor Swift Album or episode of a tv show. We all have a list. There are so many things we could fucking pick in seconds to excuse our deaths if we wanted to be "selfish."

Its a, "Your safety and well being matter, even to me, a suicidal fuckhead who can't give two shits about most things and people. But I'd leave my ledge of depression to assist you."

Chronically/functional suicidal people aren't selfish. They are drowning in horrific nightmares and memories and condistions that are akin to carrying a fucking truck, a mountain and a load of god-damned butter coated shipment of lose pipes whilst simultaniously burning alive in lava. They fight for a list of things and people they made promises too, or want to see or swore they'd outlive. They are telling you they'd forsake that list, their own remnants of ego, their hatred and their debilitating exhaustion to move long enough to try and make a difference, if your bodily safety required them too.

Just because I want to die, doesn't mean I'd find you worth dying for. Just cause I'm a lesbian doesn't mean im attracted to you and just because I might sell hotdogs doesn't mean I want to feed you. Im still capable of looking a bitch in the eye and hoping they choke/die first. I hate how people think just because we want to be dead, means that we'd die for just anyone and everyone. Bitch we're not Jesus.

We're alive for a list of reasons. We also want to be dead. I would not die for many of the people I'm currently living for. I do not have energy. Besides, some of the people I'm living for, are one's on my list of people I'm going to outlive so I can watch a dog shit on their grave. You think I'm going to give up the chance to take a sledge hammer to a particular someones tomb stone while listening to Taylor Swift "Look what you made me do," for just anyone?

Ha! Check your own fucking ego!

When a chronically suicidal finds someone or something worth dying over and that’s what takes them from this world, it's just as tragic as someone who never struggled with staying alive. In some cases it's even more tragic because everyone just expects them to raise their hand. "Well Steve wants to die anyway, so--

"Yeah, well, maybe Steve wanted to watch his fly collection get eaten by Birtha his giant spider, Gary! Not take your place in the reapers daily collection?"

Suicidal people are not disposable and their, "You are someone I'd be willing to die for," confessions are no less romantic. They are struggling. They are fighting. They matter. And if they don't make it out of a day, they aren't selfish! Neither is the person fighting cancer who doesn't make it into the next day they were fighting to make it in to.

We have no idea what it's like to live in the minds and bodies and lives of the people around us who are struggling. But if we listen, if we pay attention and if we ask with intention, we might learn that we matter something rather significant to someone making confessions in a joke, outing themselves hoping you understood. I read the post about a suicidal character offering to die for a loved one and read the comment's underneath and thought:

My friends make that joke with me and I them and there is something sacred that passes in the between, unseen. It's our way of acknowledging that I'll fight to live for as long as I can for a list of reasons but never at the cost of their wellbeing. My friend said the other day, "I'd accept you dying for very few things, the safety of my kids being one of them. So, since they are fine and the other reasons aren't in play either, suck it up, today ain't your death day." And I laughed, took a deep breath and continued fighting to make it to tomorrow.

So, if you or someone you know struggles each day to make it to the next one, I see you. I get it. I know why you have to communicate in dark humour and I don't think either of you are selfish. You aren't selfish for wanting them to stay despite it meaning their continued pain and you aren't selfish for wanting the pain to end. You're human.

Reach out for help and if there is no one there to answer you, post a dark joke. One of us cursed bastards will reply. You aren't as alone or as invisible as you think and just because no one gave a shit when you were 16, doesn't mean you won't reach an age where that's different. Sometimes the people who have all the care just waiting to be given, are in a different fucking country and can't find you yet. Eventually someone reaches back and grabs your hand it's nice if not a little spooky.