f a t e

Yes but how do I know that you’re dating me for my heart and not for my international criminal empire

Because your international criminal empire is what you do, and not who you are.

That is so sweet I might just stab someone

Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: “Jim’s whore house. You got the dough, we got the hoe.”

Why does this not have any notes?

lol no “Nashville sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it. how may I help you?”

“Henderson’s Morgue, you stab em, we slab em, this is Eight Ball speaking.”

“Texas crematorium you kill ‘em we grill ‘em how can I direct your call?”

Pro tip: Don’t do this if you recently applied for a new job.

bolded. just in case.

i feel like that pro tip is told from experience

THIS FUCKING POST

I AM FUCKING SOBBING

It hurt. And then I reread it, and realized it was from the dog’s point of view. And now it hurts even more.

legit tears all over my keyboard.

WAIT WHAT  I THOUGHT IT WAS FROM THE BOY’S  OH GOD NO 

IM CRY DEAR GOD MY PARENTS ARE WORRIED

((First of all: Crying)) ((Second of all: when it comes to feels, my number one weakness is ANIMALS.)) ((*walks away to cry in a hole*))

pain pain pain pain pain pain pian pain pain pain pain

*cries*

f u c k

Person A and Person B are walking and talking in the rain, without a care in the world, when they spot Person C, who’s umbrella has just been pulled away by the wind. Person A leads Person B over, and together they ask Person C to walk with them, as their umbrella was large enough to fit Person C too. Person C agreed, and they joined the conversation, quickly making two new friends.

Here’s a cool trick to see if a man actually respects you: try disagreeing with him

The point isn’t to know it’s a test, the point is that if you would only say “yes” if you knew it was a test, then what if it’s not a test, but because she hates coffee shops, or because she’s attending a funeral Wednesday and doesn’t know you well enough to want to share that, or whatever else? Because if you’re making rules for when other people can have preferences and not explain why… yeah, that is a thing they can reasonably want to avoid.

i’m seeing a lot of people reblogging suicide hotlines and this is just a reminder that this is a suicide help line that works like a text-based instant messenger for people who may need to talk to someone but have trouble/are uncomfortable making phone calls

Never don’t reblog this. There are so many people who have such bad anxiety about phone calls. This can save so many lives

               I may be as pretty as an 𝒶𝓃𝑔𝑒𝓁                             But I sure as hell 𝔞𝔦𝔫'𝔱 𝔬𝔫𝔢

                                  how is it easy for you to be kind to people?                             milk and honey dripped from my lips as i answered                                   because people have not been kind to me

we carry around HELL in the form of memories.