Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
YOU ARE THE REASON
One Nice Bug Per Day
Cookie Run:Kingdom Official!
occasionally subtle
gracie abrams
hello vonnie
Show & Tell
h
EXPECTATIONS
shark vs the universe
$LAYYYTER
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Game Changer & Make Some Noise
titsay
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art blog(derogatory)
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d e v o n
Not today Justin
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@sammygender
sam and dean winchester | anthem for a seventeen year old girl (on youtube)
or: a compilation of the cars parked, phones dropped, and dreams in spn
after watching i saw the tv glow i became batshit obsessed with this song. hence this <3 i can’t stop making amvs i actually need help
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if i talk abt my life rn i sound like im manic but im not remotely manic i would Love! to slow down ive just like somehow got myself really used to living at an insanely frantic pace and idk how to change it. like yea i Have Not Stopped Moving since 2 thursdays ago. i need to schedule in 1 singular day of Oli Time but its hard when you work cause i want to use my days off for fun things……but i guess being alone is meant to be fun sometimes too..
i’m starting to think though that maybe the reason i’ve felt this weird distance between me and a lot of my close friends recently is because i’m meant to be learning how to exist alone. i tend to really rely on people for my happiness, it’s my natural state, that i find purpose and meaning and direction in love and companionship and nothing else really, when i was maybe 16 i did manage to distance myself slightly from others and it was the peaceful i’ve ever been in my life, having none of that enmeshment, but it just does feel unnatural, and unsustainable……… i’ve always rationalised my obsession with connection - humans are social creatures etc etc and individualism is a disease ETC ETC - and that’s true but it’s important to cultivate a relationship with the self, there have got to be things that i want and enjoy that do not involve somebody else. so. i will figure that out 💯
i’d also like to apologise to all my beloved mutuals who i haven’t been interacting with any posts of bc unfortunately at this current moment in time i am using tumblr essentially as a personal diary and i am not looking at my feed whatsoever. i wish i was still a supernatural blog sam winchester used to bring me SO much joy :/ he still does but like. It’s not the same…. I will never be 17 again…..
going to work after a bender is lowkey kind of magical even though it’s one of the worst experiences ever BC the bad part is like. being awake after a bender. walking down the street the first time you wake up (barely slept) sober after spending abt 48 hours straight drunk and awake is already torturous. even more so when you were doing some crazy ass shit at your friends 28th birthday party and talking to everybody about each other FOR SOME REASON (im not two faced i swear It just like happens to me??? its all said with love But Like not everything is everybody’s business all the time) and were there until 2pm and then realised you had ANOTHER night out to go to in 4 hours time so you spent the next 4 hours drinking in broad daylight at the park near your house with your friends friend (who you also kept telling him how much you liked him and thought he was awesome) and then went on your fucking night out with your much more functional and normal and not bender kind of people friends. And also even before all THIS you were at karaoke and slept like 2 hours after that before going straight to work and THEN to the birthday party and before THAT you were on a date and before THAT you were working and before THAT you were in poland for 3 days and slept maybe 12 hours cumulatively over that time………..:::::: ANYWAY, my point is that i feel like utter death BUT i get to ruminate obsessively about what happened and what i said and how to get my life together and whether my heart beat will ever slow down or if im going to faint or if ill ever feel happy again WHILE AT WORK. washing dishes. and being paid. Awful awful experience but LOVE!!!!!!!!!!
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starter hobbies for people getting into having hobbies
i’m lowkey slowly losing contact with at least half of my friends
i just realised i have more deltarune to play :) yay
it’s so sad and scary how many people just genuinely can’t help themselves . like they can but they just cant. me included. and yet we persist
99% of codependent brothers stop right before their heart and souls meld into one DON'T GIVE UP
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it’s so so so so so scary to be known, to have relationships, people you are scared of losing……….after breaking up with the girl i was in love with at 16 i coped by making sure i never became too close to any of my friends, constantly reminding myself not to become too comfortable, to never become close enough with anybody that you’d be devastated by losing them.
i lost that somewhere along the way, though. first year of uni, i think, when i met my current best friends. when i met those two i knew everything about them very quickly and they begged me for stories about myself, tell us your life, oli, tell us one true thing……… we would sit around in graveyards 5 min walk from our college and try to smoke weed without getting paranoid. trade childhood stories but i always got too self conscious. i couldn’t fit mine into a narrative the way they could. but now a year and a half later they know every inch of me. as always it switches and i become the car crash, the trainwreck, the dependent, needy, emotional one. the second i get really close to somebody it’s all over, they have to cope with all of me.
anyway, we sat outside the water refill station at poland rock and he looked me in the eyes and told me, you are not a car crash, not an addict waiting to happen, none of this trainspotting bullshit, a functional life doesn’t have to involve a 9-5, an early bedtime. you have a future, you have to think of that future, not crazy, just the next day, just see it. i wanted to cry. how vicariously, violently awful to be seen like that, to have someone know your mind. it’s like being flayed alive if it was somehow reassuring. sitting with them both i felt loved while she told me i had to get better so we could stay close and that we all had our flaws, like nobody had ever taught her how to be kind and so semi-frequently she could be mean.
to have relationships this intense i think i am addicted to it which is hard and bad, not everything can be a coming of age movie, sometimes people just want to chill. not every conversation has to be one for the diary entries. still. i am so grateful, to have people who care about me. it is so scary. sitting and listening to them i felt the urge to constantly apologise but they told me i had to stop. and so i started thanking them instead. and then i thought about when i was fourteen, and i realised that saying thank you was the same as saying i’m sorry. i wrote about it in my notes app. a little poem. not i’m sorry for making you put up with me, but thank you for doing so, thank you for loving me.
and it’s odd, how you can constantly relearn something you thought you knew years ago…… i am twenty. it has been five years since 2021, when i learnt how to be alone and how to love myself. but those lessons were only truly put into action after that breakup. and i have not fallen in love since then. even if the current love i have is not necessarily sexual or intensely romantic in nature i am still most likely in love. or at least i was. or - and maybe this is it - i am really truly close to people again. for the first time. somebody else is seeing my raw self. i can’t pretend to be calm or self assured or in love with myself. i have to actually be it.
SIGH………… THANKS GUYS 4 READING!
straight from the mind of my fifteen year old self….. it’s not identical, but it is similar. i love you is just another way of saying thank you, too.
& wait oh my fucking god that was written EXACTLY FIVE YEARS before that conversation i had on friday what the fuck???????????? 31st july????????? what the fuck???!
the body remembers even when the mind forgets….
it’s so so so so so scary to be known, to have relationships, people you are scared of losing……….after breaking up with the girl i was in love with at 16 i coped by making sure i never became too close to any of my friends, constantly reminding myself not to become too comfortable, to never become close enough with anybody that you’d be devastated by losing them.
i lost that somewhere along the way, though. first year of uni, i think, when i met my current best friends. when i met those two i knew everything about them very quickly and they begged me for stories about myself, tell us your life, oli, tell us one true thing……… we would sit around in graveyards 5 min walk from our college and try to smoke weed without getting paranoid. trade childhood stories but i always got too self conscious. i couldn’t fit mine into a narrative the way they could. but now a year and a half later they know every inch of me. as always it switches and i become the car crash, the trainwreck, the dependent, needy, emotional one. the second i get really close to somebody it’s all over, they have to cope with all of me.
anyway, we sat outside the water refill station at poland rock and he looked me in the eyes and told me, you are not a car crash, not an addict waiting to happen, none of this trainspotting bullshit, a functional life doesn’t have to involve a 9-5, an early bedtime. you have a future, you have to think of that future, not crazy, just the next day, just see it. i wanted to cry. how vicariously, violently awful to be seen like that, to have someone know your mind. it’s like being flayed alive if it was somehow reassuring. sitting with them both i felt loved while she told me i had to get better so we could stay close and that we all had our flaws, like nobody had ever taught her how to be kind and so semi-frequently she could be mean.
to have relationships this intense i think i am addicted to it which is hard and bad, not everything can be a coming of age movie, sometimes people just want to chill. not every conversation has to be one for the diary entries. still. i am so grateful, to have people who care about me. it is so scary. sitting and listening to them i felt the urge to constantly apologise but they told me i had to stop. and so i started thanking them instead. and then i thought about when i was fourteen, and i realised that saying thank you was the same as saying i’m sorry. i wrote about it in my notes app. a little poem. not i’m sorry for making you put up with me, but thank you for doing so, thank you for loving me.
and it’s odd, how you can constantly relearn something you thought you knew years ago…… i am twenty. it has been five years since 2021, when i learnt how to be alone and how to love myself. but those lessons were only truly put into action after that breakup. and i have not fallen in love since then. even if the current love i have is not necessarily sexual or intensely romantic in nature i am still most likely in love. or at least i was. or - and maybe this is it - i am really truly close to people again. for the first time. somebody else is seeing my raw self. i can’t pretend to be calm or self assured or in love with myself. i have to actually be it.
SIGH………… THANKS GUYS 4 READING!
consciously stepping outside of gender but it’s the gen vs shipfic tagging binary on ao3
it’s a character study. it’s a friendship fic. it’s a fic about deep devotion. no they’re not dating. yes they are fucking. no it’s not romantic. it is not casual and it is very casual. yes there are ship tags but the fic is not about those tags except for when it is. it’s a character study. it’s a character study. it’s a character study. they’re aromantic. they’re not aromantic. they’re queer. they’re platonic. but they’re not queerplatonic, at least not the way i see everyone using that word. there’s this fic and it’s about my beloveds and i am working with an inadequate vocabulary but here is my whole heart on a platter, can you please look at it and tell me how beautiful amorphous, shimmering, baffling, chimeric, perfectly imperfect it is
i dont even feel bipolar these days like my meds do work it took me a while to realise this BC i still feel like shit but like they are working. i dont have mood episodes. This is almost unfortunate. i used to be able to rely on my mood episodes. i feel very unmoored, being unable to assume i have hypomania eventually coming. but yeah i think a lot of my emotional reactivity is something else entirely :/ unfortunately. we’ll see wtf my psychiatrist says when i see him in september
sharp objects // spn 2x03 // my spn fic // spn 4x04 //
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have been having the most insane, emotionally intense time recently, feeling like i’m right back to when i was 14 years old before i had processed a lot of things. full moon in aquarius a few days ago i had this big conversation with my friends, a lot of things coming to light, my own insecurities and the way i depend on other people for my own life and happiness and sense of self, how i have nothing by myself, things i learnt at 14 and thought i got over but i guess i never did. anyway. i have sun opposite pluto in my natal chart: the 1H of self and the 7H of others respectively. the dark, karmic pull of other people, my relationships, tugging at my entire identity and sense of self, forever entwined. have just figured out that this full moon, the sun is opposite pluto, sigh…..it’s comforting to see a meaning. maybe astrology is bullshit but i’ll never really believe that, sorry, i know it’s cringe. when i watch the patterns and see them happen every day, see myself in the lines of my chart, i’m not stupid i swear…….. but i do just like to believe in things, at the end of the day. i’m an optimist. i couldn’t tolerate a world that i didn’t see magic or mysticism in.
was thinking ‘i’m the first person in my bloodline to ever be obsessed w alcohol’ then remembered my mom’s lowkey heavy alcoholic father :/
