#oliver talks

if i talk abt my life rn i sound like im manic but im not remotely manic i would Love! to slow down ive just like somehow got myself really used to living at an insanely frantic pace and idk how to change it. like yea i Have Not Stopped Moving since 2 thursdays ago. i need to schedule in 1 singular day of Oli Time but its hard when you work cause i want to use my days off for fun things……but i guess being alone is meant to be fun sometimes too..

i’m starting to think though that maybe the reason i’ve felt this weird distance between me and a lot of my close friends recently is because i’m meant to be learning how to exist alone. i tend to really rely on people for my happiness, it’s my natural state, that i find purpose and meaning and direction in love and companionship and nothing else really, when i was maybe 16 i did manage to distance myself slightly from others and it was the peaceful i’ve ever been in my life, having none of that enmeshment, but it just does feel unnatural, and unsustainable……… i’ve always rationalised my obsession with connection - humans are social creatures etc etc and individualism is a disease ETC ETC - and that’s true but it’s important to cultivate a relationship with the self, there have got to be things that i want and enjoy that do not involve somebody else. so. i will figure that out 💯

i’d also like to apologise to all my beloved mutuals who i haven’t been interacting with any posts of bc unfortunately at this current moment in time i am using tumblr essentially as a personal diary and i am not looking at my feed whatsoever. i wish i was still a supernatural blog sam winchester used to bring me SO much joy :/ he still does but like. It’s not the same…. I will never be 17 again…..

going to work after a bender is lowkey kind of magical even though it’s one of the worst experiences ever BC the bad part is like. being awake after a bender. walking down the street the first time you wake up (barely slept) sober after spending abt 48 hours straight drunk and awake is already torturous. even more so when you were doing some crazy ass shit at your friends 28th birthday party and talking to everybody about each other FOR SOME REASON (im not two faced i swear It just like happens to me??? its all said with love But Like not everything is everybody’s business all the time) and were there until 2pm and then realised you had ANOTHER night out to go to in 4 hours time so you spent the next 4 hours drinking in broad daylight at the park near your house with your friends friend (who you also kept telling him how much you liked him and thought he was awesome) and then went on your fucking night out with your much more functional and normal and not bender kind of people friends. And also even before all THIS you were at karaoke and slept like 2 hours after that before going straight to work and THEN to the birthday party and before THAT you were on a date and before THAT you were working and before THAT you were in poland for 3 days and slept maybe 12 hours cumulatively over that time………..:::::: ANYWAY, my point is that i feel like utter death BUT i get to ruminate obsessively about what happened and what i said and how to get my life together and whether my heart beat will ever slow down or if im going to faint or if ill ever feel happy again WHILE AT WORK. washing dishes. and being paid. Awful awful experience but LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

starter hobbies for people getting into having hobbies

i just realised i have more deltarune to play :) yay

it’s so sad and scary how many people just genuinely can’t help themselves . like they can but they just cant. me included. and yet we persist