Salvaged Trash

1. Buy a bunch of dope ass drapes: Whenever he comes over, you can just shove her behind them! :)

2. Install a trap door: Or you can construct a desk chair trap door so you can have her go bye-bye #SweenyToddStyle

3. Steal the invisibility cloak of the Boy Who Lived: It’s totally real and definitely out there somewhere

4. Have her wear camouflage 24/7: If she’s a true friend she’ll do it, I promise.

5. Buy her one of those creepy horse masks: Amusing and effective! :)

1. The middle part: As great as it would be to be a Kardashian, most of us don't have the cash to engineer our faces to compliment this do'.

 2. Overdrawn lips: It’s all fun and games until we start comparing ourselves to Randell’s sidekick Fungus from Monster’s Inc who got that nasty suction treatment. #Yikes How bout you bow down to the queens with naturally full lips and try to accentuate features you have that actually exist :)

3. Rompers: Ah yes, the sexy onesie. First of all, congratulations if you find one that perfectly fits your body type! NOT an easy quest. Practically a miracle really. However, once you've found it, will you be able to take it off fast enough before peeing your pants? Only time will tell...

1.Magnetize them. After sex, unsheathe a giant magnet and all your clothes will come to you... and maybe that soccer trophy you won when you were eight.

2. Set up a lil’ basketball-hoop-hamper. It's like a fun game but winning is REQUIRED. If your sock misses the hoop and you can't find it later it's your own damn fault Derek.

3.  As foreplay, dip all your clothes into glow-in-the-dark paint

4. Thinking outside the box by just sewing little velcro-removable patches around all your holes :) Yes Derek, ALL of them

Aries:  Teach your 1 month old baby to ski. It’s never too early! See ya at the Minco 2035 Winter Olympics motherfrickers!

Taurus: Spray paint your balls silver and go around asking people if they wanna see your “silver bells”

Gemini: Knit Kim an itchy sweater for secret santa. I’ve noticed she’s cold. A stone cold BITCH.

Cancer:  LIGHT ALL THE CANDLES!!!

Leo: extinguish all the candles. fire is dangerous.

Virgo: Don’t just drink hot chocolate-- BATHE in it. Instagram that shit. #BathBombCocoaStyle

Libra: Cut up all the things in your home like snowflakes. I’m talkin rugs, shower curtains, No-shave November hair.

Scorpio: Spank an elf so it’ll convince Santa to put cha on the nice list. They’re kinky lil bastards.

Sagittarius: Seduce that 7/11 cashier by slowly and sensually licking the icicle right outside the store. If your tongue gets stuck, don’t worry, the fire department will understand.

Capricorn: Snowmen? What about snowwomen?! Make snow-titties for every snowperson you see.

Aquarius: Stop insisting the three wise men were a boy band dammit! What's with you and boy bands?!?