dissociate

No, Sal, no, that’s just normal grief, I think. I do that too. I always think I’ll see Dad when I’m running in the park. I don’t know why it’s there, but it just is. 

I love you, alright? I always want you to remember that. So much that it hurts, kid. I’m proud of you too. 

…Sall, I’m sorry. I thought I was in love with Mika, Gus and Ava’s dad, but it turns out I didn’t even know what love really was until I met Miles. You’ll find your true love again. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re still young. You got time, girlfriend. 

Oh Sall, shush and sit down! Don’t be embarrassed. No joke, this is probably my eleventh time answering this question since I’ve lived at Nora’s. 

Mm, okay, so it’s not going to feel or be that great the first like…five times you do it. Maybe even longer after that. If it does feel and seem great before five, consider yourself lucky. You’ll feel a little sore and generally uncomfortable, but as long as you’re doing it with the right person, you should only have physical aches afterwards. If you’re feeling any sort of negative emotions afterwards, that’s when there’s a problem. You should never feel less than after it, okay? It’s a natural, fun, human thing to do. Just do it with the right people and you’ll be fine. Especially if it’s the right righttt person, like a significant other, they’ll want to make sure it’s good for you too. 

Sorry, I just... I can’t ask any of my sisters about it. I mean, I guess I could, but Britton wouldn’t tell me and Sunny would tell Cal that I was asking. 

Jesus, no. That’s not normal. Especially now that I have daughters of my own? I’d murder someone before I’d ever let that happen to them. I’m just so sorry it happened to you and your family. You’re a tough cookie, Sall. 

Of course. What’s up?

What... what is having.... Um. What is doing it supposed to feel like? Er like.. be like?

It’s alright. Nora says our minds work in all kinds of different ways when we’re trying to recover from horrible things. As long as you’re okay now, s’what matters. You’ll keep healing. 

I had always liked how the sun shined through the stained glass windows, their colors shining across the wooden pews and red carpet. I found the stained glass depictions of Jesus to be a lot more comforting than the mosaic tiles that lined the walls or the statues and sculptures of Jesus being crucified. In fact, all of the figurines in our church made me uncomfortable. Up on the wall, behind the altar was a statue of the Virgin Mary. How we envied her as young girls. She was blessed with a baby and didn’t even have to try. That would’ve been a lot easier than what we were going through. I didn’t mind the part of the process I was in. Courting. I was paired with three different boys, all equally as spontaneous as me. I didn’t know if I even really liked them, but they were fun to hang out with. 

Unfortunately, Mom had laid out my skirt and my top on my bed before I had even woken up, so there was no time to escape before heading into the church. She was even going to make me sit next to her. She smelled like roses and had tanned skin, even at the beginning of the summer. When we walked in, I saw my older brother, Cal, with a hand in his pocket and a hand on the back of his wife, Oaklyn. He smiled at Mom. My favorite brother, Matty, had already settled with his two girls. His wife had just had their youngest daughter. We hadn’t seen much of him since they were constructing their own house. Ilia, Callan, and Carlyle came in with us. And Sonny and I walked in with our arms linked. 

“Salley Kate,” a woman called from behind me. It was one of my suitor’s mothers. “It’s nice to see you here today. I feel it’s become a rare occurrence.”

I politely smiled, letting go of my favorite sister’s arm. “Lovely to see you, Mrs. Robertson. Elias has been a perfect gentleman to me.”

She smiled and her cheeks practically made her eyes disappear. It was a fake smile, and I knew that. And Elias hadn’t been a perfect gentleman. In fact, the night before, we had skipped our evening service and snuck out to the creek on the edge of town. We both had stripped down to our undergarments and swam in the river. He kissed me once it was dark, but we weren’t supposed to have any sort of physical relations before the wedding day. My feet were still dirty from the walk home, but you couldn’t see it through my flats. 

I sat down in the pew, where my mom had been waiting, and I let out a deep sigh. Mom scolded me, told me to keep it down, and that we’d have a conversation about where i was the night previous, later. I watched the dust particles float in the light that was shining in from the windows and I blinked a few times. There was nothing comforting about the church. In fact, I felt my heart race and my palms sweat a little bit as I sat there. 

In walked the Pastor’s children. First, his unmarried girls. Then his married daughter. Then Branson and Britton. They were set to be married in a year or two. She wore white, had her blonde hair perfectly straightened or perfectly curled. Her make up was always done, and she always wore a smile. No one new what pain Britton was in besides a couple of us at home. I had heard her crying earlier in the week to our mom about how scared she was. Scared for her wedding night, she had clarified. With a man like Branson, I probably would have been too. It wasn’t that he was scary. He was just... powerful. But they were in love. They were probably the most in love of all the couples in town. You would have never known it though. Everyone acted like they were as in love as Britton and Branson. 

Next in was the First Lady. That’s what we called Pastor Plumfeld’s wife. Mrs. Plumfeld. I didn’t know her first name. I never had, and I don’t even think Mom knew. Then, we all stood as Pastor Plumfeld walked in. This was a big day for the church. Matty was dedicating his daughter, so they stood and sprinkled her with water. We joined in communion with them. Then Pastor started talking about how we were sent by God to defend the Kingdom and bring more believers to Him. I slumped further and further and further into my seat in the Pew. Mom squeezed my knee to tell me I was behaving inappropriately. She could squeeze as hard as she wanted, but I wasn’t sitting up. 

Pastor told us to stand, and I would stand. We sang the hymns. He blessed the Body and Blood of Christ and we shared dry crackers and wine. Yes, wine. We all had wine. Even the babies. Even the pregnant women. By the time the morning service was over, I was starving and bored and ready to be back outside. Jaci Mae grabbed a hold of my hand and dragged me into the bathroom with her. She had recently become scared of being in the church alone. I waited for her by the sink, careful not to make eye contact with any of the older women if they didn’t speak to me first. 

Then finally, Jaci was done, we were out of the church, and I had challenged Zodiac and Hux to a race back to our house. We all took off running, passing family members and friends and elders in the church. Dad yelled at us to stop, to slow down, to wait for the family, but we didn’t. Once we got home, I rubbed it in both of their faces that I won and that they got beat by a girl. Then, I quickly ran into the room I shared with my sisters, threw off my church clothes and got into some of Ilia’s old play clothes that Zodi hadn’t quite grown into yet. 

I went into the kitchen to peak out of the window. Harlow, another one of my suitors, was waiting outside. He was still in his church clothes, and I wondered how he had even beaten me back to the house. Zodi and Hux were huffing and puffing still, fighting over a cup of water. I snuck out of the back door, careful to not let it slam shut. 

“Harlow,” I called. “Hi.”

He turned and smiled at me. I think of the three boys, I liked Harlow the best. He was kind. He didn’t believe in God either. He could catch fish with his bare hands, and he heard the cattle as his job. He even was doing high school already and we were only thirteen. 

“I wanted to give you something,” he said. 

I was a little embarrassed when he said that. I realized I wasn’t in the correct clothing. Mom and Dad didn’t really care what we wore--err--what I wore around the house as long as I didn’t go out in it. I immediately folded my arms and crossed my legs, hoping he wouldn’t notice. 

“I’m not dressed for any occasion,” I said. 

Harlow laughed. “Salley Kate, we’ve all seen you in your undergarments. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

That’s why I liked Harlow. 

I smiled. 

“Here,” he said. He handed me a small box and I opened it. Inside there was a ring. “It’s not an engagement ring. Not yet. But it is a promise ring. Because I do want to marry you, Salley Kate. I want to marry you and runaway from this town with you.”

I heard the front door slam shut and Mom’s voice call my name.

“Let’s go now.” I said. 

I took Harlow’s hand and we ran into the woods behind my house. I didn’t have shoes on, and he was in dress shoes and a tie. We ran and we laughed until we got lost and found a rest by a big tree that looked perfect for climbing. The pinestraw and the rocks didn’t bother my feet any more, and the bugs didn’t bother me when they’d bite. Harlow was quite the opposite. He liked playing in the creek as much as I did and running through the woods, but he was bothered by the bugs. I thought it was sweet. 

“I saw you talking with Elias’ mother at church,” Harlow said. “It made me jealous.”

“Elias kissed me last night,” I said. Because we were paired up with three boys, the boys were also paired up with three girls. And those were our selections. Harlow was a little bit older. He had just turned fifteen. Elias was my exact age. Age didn’t really bother me, though the year prior an eleven year old girl married a nineteen year old boy. They died in a house fire before she could give birth to their first child, and the rumor was that she had started it to kill them both. Pastor made us fast for a week. I ate snacks when everyone else was asleep. 

“Oh,” Harlow muttered. “Um... I--Did you want him to?”

“I mean I guess,” I said. “I had never kissed anyone before him.”

“Oh.”

“I like you more, though.”

“It should have been me.”

“What?”

“It should have been me. I should have been your first kiss. Not on our wedding day. But... before Elias.”

“Have you kissed anyone?” I asked, nervously. 

Harlow was quiet for a while. My heart sunk into my chest and I was still holding onto the ring box. It didn’t change how I felt about him, no matter what he said. 

“Only Pastor Plumfeld.”

My heart sunk further and it was almost a reflex to whip my head around to look at him straight in the face. Tears welled up in his eyes. I didn’t know Pastor Plumfeld had special time with him too. It was so normalized, you went in to your weekly appointment, or daily appointment if that was what was scheduled. You sat in his office or in the chapel or at the altar. You prayed. You took a deep breath. You dealt with it, and then you left. Jaci Mae had recently started having appointments with him too. He made me come in at least four times a week. 

Harlow cried. I cried. Then we kept running. 

We didn’t come home for three days. 

When we returned, my dad had accepted Elias’s offer of marriage. I was severely punished. I didn’t see Harlow for a week. But when I finally saw him again, he apologized to me. He kissed me, long and sweet. And the next night our town’s police found him hanging in a tree in the woods. He wrote a letter, but I wasn’t able to read it before Pastor burned it. 

I sat in my seat in the wooden pews. I watched the stained glass windows form colors along the ground and walls. Elias sat next to me. His ring was on my finger. His mother was smiling. Harlow’s mother was crying. His body was carried in in a black casket, and Pastor Plumfeld stared at me the whole time. We stood when he said to stand. We sat when he said to sit. We sang the hymns. We prayed. I sat in my seat and held back tears, and I didn’t move from that spot for an hour after. And the hour during my one-on-one session with the Pastor. 

As I walked out of the church, clothes rumpled, eyes puffy. I saw Ilia walking in. He looked at me. I looked at him. He knew what I had just gone through. I knew what was happening to him. We never said a word to each other. We still haven’t to this day, but we know. 

It will. That’s why I garden. That and because Mom loved hers so much back at home. Sometimes she’ll come visit mine as a butterfly. I like to think it’s her at least. Though Tinns was the one who really liked butterflies, huh?

Uh, well, we all cope with things in our own way. I think you were just coping by pretending it never happened.

Yeah. Daddy always helped her catch ‘em in the garden. 

You lived in a fucked up place, baby, and thank God things aren’t like that out here. I have plenty of friends who won’t want kids, some who want to adopt, some who want to foster, and some who plan on having ‘em later. Then there’s me, you know, mom life for real, I guess, and I love it, but to each their own. I’m sorry you were forced into that so young. I couldn’t imagine being fourteen or fifteen with a baby. When I had the twins I was a little older than that and still really freaking terrified. 

You know, growing up, everyone was jealous of Britton. All the girls in our town. All our sisters, too. Most people claimed it was because she was practically the Plumfeld Princess since she was getting to marry Branson, but I really think it was because she wasn’t forced into it so young. I don’t know why the Pastor’s kids got to wait longer, but... they did. You know, the youngest girl in our town to have a baby was eleven? Everyone acted like it was normal, but Mom told us that it wasn’t. 

No problem. I’m used to it. One or two of my dancers are always PMSing at some point of each week. It’s no big. 

Try one dipped in the marinara sauce. They’re heavenly! I’d eat the entire box if I could, but my stomach would literally kill me for it.

Tell ‘em you’d love ‘em best if they stayed away from you. 

You know those triplets are freaking toy stealers! Love them to death, but man, they know how to snatch up some toys. Gussy wouldn’t nap today because it was missing, and I’m such a NICU mama mess that I have no idea where my head is lately, not to mention an alligator.

Britt did help me get on anti-psychotics which helped the delusions I was having. Though to be fair, I don’t really like taking pills. We never did at home.

Good. You should eat. I made absolutely none of it, but it’s still delicious. My favorite are these cheesy, garlic bread strips. I secretly saved another plate of ‘em to bring home, but don’t tell anyone that.

I’m sorry. I’m PMSing. I didn’t mean to be rude.

You know, I could really use your help in the garden here. I think I’m going to make room for more tomatoes so we’ll have loads of ‘em in the summer. If you’re free someday, we could work a little then go grab a bite or something. I miss ya. 

-

Uh, sure. Yeah, I’d like that. My therapist thinks getting my hands in the dirt will help in keeping me centered. 

Damn right, mama. You tell ‘em. I just care about Gus’s alligator. The light green one with the long ass tail that he carries around everywhere…you seen it?

Britton and Cal are always on my ass, and I’m tired of them.