thomasヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ

aborted abortion doctor: yea thats what i woulda did

what will it be, boss? the comfort of misery or the pain of change?

no weed for me thanks i just want to cough loud as fuck with you

i try so hard not to care about micro celebrity attention grab bullshit but Clavicular getting embarrassed during his 60 Minutes interview, implying the journalist’s wife is cheating on him, just for the journalist to smile politely but confusedly and go “im not married? :)” and then Clavicular starts stammering and babbling and then angrily walk out of the interview. and then goes home and overdoses. and then survives and goes “sorry i was overdosing trying to feel neurotypical”. is fucking Wet and Wild

i dont want to alarm anyone but people are tagging this as homestuck characters

I WISH THINGS HAD TURNED OUT DIFFERENTLY!!!!!!!!! goes to the supermarket

today at work i rung up a customer and the total was 12.30 and i said “12:30, reminds me of a clock :)” and they kind of smiled at me with confusion and i was like “like the time on a clock, just reminds me of it… 12:30” and they said “i have no idea what you’re talking about…” with an expression of supreme pity and gentleness. after that was finished i turned to my coworker next to me and said “i just bombed so hard with this clock comment” and then realized the customer hadn’t moved and was still standing right next to me. if my fate continues down this path, the customer will probably read this tumblr post as well

I ask spongebob what grilling krabby patties feels like and he says not everything feels like something else

a doordasher bringing mcdonalds to a group of four 25 year olds who have the exact same arrangement as the grandparents in willy wonka and the chocolate factory

im sure if i move far away from home to somewhere no one knows me my whole personality will suddenly change and everyone will love me and everything will be better im sure im sure im sure

i got bit by a snake! quick!! you have to jerk me off to get the poison out! and pinch my nipples a little, too. and call me good boy! yeah that’s the only antidote I looked it up on Internet Explorerrrrrrr

i didn’t post this. i was hacked and this is all they posted #promise

can you tell the hacker to come back