green soap

you can easily win a girls attention by eating all the drywall in her house

getting increasingly confused trying to have sex with my point and click wife but she just keeps saying “you cant use that here”

i have the ancient sarcophagus and the cuckoo clock. what the fuck else do i need man

just got a call from the american psychiatric association. you old dogs, i said, picking up on the first ring. how many times i gotta tell you to lose this number. i don’t want you coming around here anymore. “listen, toots, we’ve been doing some thinking,” they says, and i says, guess there’s a first time for everything. “you’re a real funny dame, sugardoll. reviewing criticism, we’ve determined that the biggest issue with our previous diagnostic and statistic manuals of mental disorders is the anonymity of it all. we’ve been circling around a vague figure of the mentally well without defining the traits of a mentally well person. there’s no personality. what we need is a cute broad with a couple opinions to model the psychological norm.” so i’m saying back up and give it to me straight: i’m the new standard of sanity? can i get that in writing? and they say, “as the american psychiatric association we hereby state that you are the baseline and any deviations from your personality are deviations from the very concept of sanity, at least in the united states psychiatric system.” they’re making it public tomorrow. it’s a nice gig, if you really want to know. never thought they’d let a woman do it.

i need to change my whole life in one day. watch out world. i'm about to rearrange my furniture and cut my hair and develop new yet fully formed healthy habits all in the span of 24 glorious hours. i will also be buying groceries.

FUCK. i think i have to learn blender

the humble manual smoothie maker after they break their hands:

every day i log in here and get beat up by genies

the horse when asked what he would like for dinner

put a bullet in me already why dont you

everyone loves me because of my inconsistent memory, inconsistent sense of self, inconsistent availability, and inconsistent awareness of reality

you've met me at a very wild animal caught in a bear trap gnawing off its own leg time in my life

god give me a sign but not that one i just saw