:3c

i remember, in both high school and college, comforting myself with the fact that as long as i was able to provide for myself and have time for my art and my creative/social hobbies (rp, gaming) i'd be happy, because that's all it took to make me happy then! my plan was to get some sort of full time office job that paid the bills and provided healthcare and gave me time for my passions and that'd be it, i'd be chill and happy.

and uhh. i did that. i accomplished it to a T. my job is super chill and pays all of my bills with room to spare. i have no debt hanging over my head. i can go to the grocery store and get whatever i want and not worry about it - which is still huge to me, considering the food insecurity i had in high school. i have a whole room in our apartment thats just my studio / office room. i have the extra $ to take workshops and classes and travel to visit friends. i live in a lovely area, i have a super secure job, all of the typical stressors of a working age adult - i dont have. its chill.

but it's not enough any more! playing video games doesn't capture me the way it used to, because im just thinking of all the creative projects i want to do instead, or all the chores that still need to be done. i love rp when i do it, but i barely ever do it because i just ... dont hang out in spaces where people are doing it a ton, and i sure as shit never initiate.

i make so much art. like. ive done 7 gouache paintings, 4 dry pastel paintings and 2 digital paintings in the past 3 weeks. i go to figure drawing almost every tuesday. i run an art-accountability discord. but thats also not enough, because i look at what im making and think, damn, i should be Doing something with this. i should be making art that sells, or art that's more ambitious, or trying to put together a show, or just - something! something that feels like proof of what i can do and what i've done!