let me have you

there is so much room for you, and so many options. you are perfectly wonderful as a guy and your presence contributes to the fantastic, diverse tapestry that is masculinity. i believe transmasculine spaces would accept you and if they don't, they're telling on themselves and not you. we should have no patience for exclusionists. queerness defies and challenges labels; that is what we do. even with our own.

you're also perfectly wonderful if you wind up feeling that some other identity suits you better, such as genderfluid, genderflux, butch (perhaps more in the sense of butch as a queer masculine binary-blurring gender in itself than as a category of lesbian; butches can be either or both), systemgender, demiboy / demiman, masc agender, or just using transmasculine as a more general descriptive label. or some combination of the above / other labels.

it's not about what you're "allowed" to use. (allowed by whom? what are they, a cop?) it's about what feels comfortable and right for you today. you don't even need to worry about it still being comfortable and right tomorrow; you can change your labels at any time.

identity is not static. i'm genderfluid and my identity is that i change. people's identities naturally shift around over the course of their life, and sometimes this includes shifts in gender and/or sexuality. this is fine and a normal part of the human experience (and does not mean that transitioning is a bad idea. bodily autonomy forever).

(slides you a pdf of Butch Is A Noun in case that resonates, just because i happen to have the link)

you might also enjoy ND Stevenson's substack, where he posts diary comics including some about being trans. he is bigender and transitioned because it was affirming and he wanted to, a thing you are allowed to do even if you're not Fully 100% A Guy TM. (so for example, if you wanted to get a packer to help with the dick related dysphoria days, that'd be a totally fine thing to do.) some of his trans posts are behind a low paywall for mostly privacy reasons ($5/mo, easy to cancel; this was worth it for me, i found a lot of his stuff helpful).

people who are faking something know they're faking. if you're worried about it, you aren't.

"That's it, you're doing it right, darling, don't worry."

Any guidance through even the simplest of tasks.

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

Feeling weight, like a hand resting on a shoulder or thigh.

Making eye contact and getting a smile and nod back that says, you're doing great, keep going.

Being hushed or swayed while receiving back rubs.

"That's it, you're doing it right, darling, don't worry."

Any guidance through even the simplest of tasks.

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

Feeling weight, like a hand resting on a shoulder or thigh.

Making eye contact and getting a smile and nod back that says, you're doing great, keep going.

Being hushed or swayed while receiving back rubs.

- Who's my good boy? Who's my pretty angel? Who's my songbird? Who's my starlight? Who's my perfect gift?

Just to have him stutter out a small hesitant - I-I a-am?

-Who is?

-I am!

- What are you? Say it again!

- I'm your perfect gift!

- Thats right, now be even more perfect and cum for me sweetheart.

“none of that, sweetheart. let me see you.” kissing your forehead. your nose. your cheeks. your temple. “so proud of you, baby. you were perfect.”

“let me get you some water.” reaching for the bottle. helping you sit up. one hand supporting your back. bringing it to your lips. “just a few sips.” you drinking slowly. “good girl. a little more.” making sure you get enough. kissing your shoulder softly.

grabbing the warm washcloth. “let me clean you up, baby.” spreading your legs gently. wiping between your thighs carefully. you wincing slightly. still sensitive. “i know, sweetheart. almost done.” finishing quickly. “all clean.” kissing your knee gently.

pulling you into my arms immediately. wrapping the blanket around both of us. you curling into me. face hidden in my neck again. shy. “i’m right here, baby. i’ve got you.” arms wrapped around you completely. holding you close.

stroking your hair slowly. fingers running through it. down your back. rubbing gentle circles. just soothing touches. kissing the top of your head. your temple. you still trembling slightly. “shh, sweetheart. just breathe. relax into me.”

one hand continuing to rub your back. up and down. the other cradling your head. feeling your breathing gradually slow. body starting to relax against me. kissing your forehead again.

“you don’t have to talk until you’re ready, okay?” stroking your cheek with my thumb. then back to your hair. “just let me hold you.” you making a soft sound. burrowing deeper. my hand moving down your spine. gentle pressure. grounding. “i love you so much, baby.”

“you were so good for me tonight. so perfect. i love touching you. making you feel good. and i always want you to feel safe with me.” continuing to rub your back. your shoulders. you nodding against me. “i do…” voice small. “good, sweetheart.” kissing your head again.

holding you like that. hand never stopping its gentle movement. back and forth across your back. through your hair. feeling you come back to yourself. the trembling stopping. breathing evening out. you sighing contentedly.

“can i put on your comfort show?” stroking down your arm now. back up. you nodding against me. mumbling the name. pulling it up with one hand. other arm never leaving you. settling back with you against my chest. hand in your hair. fingers gently massaging your scalp. the show playing softly.

staying like that for a while. continuing those gentle touches. rubbing your back. stroking your arms. kissing your head occasionally. eventually asking “are you hungry, baby? when did you eat last?” hand still moving up and down your spine. you thinking. “lunch…” that was hours ago. “let me grab you something quick.” you gripping my shirt. “don’t leave…” kissing your forehead. “thirty seconds, i promise.”

carefully getting up. you watching anxiously. rushing to get crackers and fruit. coming back quickly. sitting back down. you immediately curling back into me. my arm around you instantly. “there we go, baby. i’m back.”

feeding you slowly. one hand offering strawberries, crackers, chocolate. other hand rubbing your back continuously. you eating more as you relax. leaning into my touch. “good girl, baby.” kissing your temple between bites.

“feeling better?” you nodding. “yeah… thank you…” “always, baby.” both settling back. you against my chest. my hand stroking your hair. down your back. up again. repetitive. soothing. you getting sleepy. eyes heavy. melting into me.

“you can sleep, sweetheart. i’ve got you.” hand still moving. still touching. still grounding you. you already drifting. “love you…” “i love you too, baby.” kissing your head one more time.

of course, you first have to hand over your vulnerability, to trust someone despite your fear of being seen as a burden... but sweetie, that's why your dom loves it so much when you do.

your willing submission is a gift to be treasured, even more so when it's difficult at first, and you're so beautiful when you finally relax. mind empty, breathing slow, accepting of gentle touch and little treats... precious.