sadspaghetticake

Is what I wanna say... but ik if I do it'll just be seen as me taking anger out at the wrong time on the wrong people as always....

I've been 4 months clean of self-harming. Today I broke that because I kept going over so painful memories, memories I try to forget but ik that I can't because that person is always gonna be in my life now.... I wonder if I was their mistake? Their life lesson?

I wonder if I've ever been important to someone before... its sad really as I have all these men saying they love me and I'm sat here thinking no yar not ya barely know me, no one knows what love is anymore, people use the word love way too much and way to freely now...

I try and keep one rule and that is to never fall in love or ever say "I love ya" so freely again... I'm tired of trying to find someone who won't give up because that's not love.... ya never did love that person if ya can give up on them...

So I cut my hair.. just a bit so it wasn't to my shoulders anymore, my mother and everyone I've ever been around has always gotten mad at me for cutting my hair so I was scared at first...

I had a look back into the mirror and to my disappointment she was still looking at me hatefully... so I moved away from the mirror and started cutting my hair without guides, yes it probably wasn't a great idea but it got shorter and shorter, I watched all these pieces of hair fall as I cut, saying goodbye to every fear that stopped me from cutting it and then I stopped....

I showered and washed my hair, I dried and brushed it too before braving the mirror one last time.

I held my breath and looked, what I saw brought me peace again... I saw me... finally after so long of seeing my mother I found me again! I breathed in relief and smiled I could finally see who I am again....

My eyes aren't pretty or beautiful, they are a dark grey blue, I have a scar on my right eyelid that's barely noticeable from where I got bit by my ferret when I was little, I've a noticeable freckle on my nose, acne scars and acne, my teeth are crooked and are a bit yellowed, my hair I'd too long and I hate it no matter how it's styled, I pick at my lips until they bleed then I pick at the scabs they leave, my shoulders are too broad and many a times I've been said to have "manly arms" I've a freckle on my front right rib and one on the left side, ya can see my spine and the bump I have in it, my shoulder blades are wonky I've have stretch marks all over my belly, hips, tighs and my csection scar.

I feel tho my thighs are too big for my body, I have a faded scar on my left leg, and ya can see most of my veins because of how pale I am, I have lumps on my big toes which is apparently not normally

I see myself as ugly coz everyone who knows me says I'm ugly, my mom taught me that I was ugly and yet I just accepted that I was

I was starved as a kid as punishment, locked in my room at night or locked in for something I didn't do when asked,

Due to all this I ended up ill, depressed, anxious, angry and scared, split personality and Cptsd on top.

On my bad days I cry and yell and say cruel things to people I love so to stop me for doing that I walk away to calm down so I don't regret saying horrible things like I do if I don't walk away to calm down,

I like to wrestle but hate physical contacted, yet I'm willing to fight anyone in order to protect my family and friends.

I impulse spend when I'm really sad and I hate doing the dishes but love to cook and bake! I love art but I don't think I'm talented enough.

I'm mean to myself to the point of where I make a mistake i know I failed, I overthink everything about life, I like to have plans but I don't like to plan, I'm either late or too early to meet ups.

I hurt myself sometimes and my mental breakdowns can be scary to others coz I've bottled so many feelings up.

When I'm focused on something I probably won't message or talk to anyone even if I say I will it just distracts me from what my focus is on so yall have to wait until I no longer can.

I love everyone I meet yet I hate socialising.

My son is everything to me which makes me believe I should stay away because I don't want him to see his mommy the way everyone else sees me.

I want a best friend who I can rely on for my bad days but also I don't wanna rely on anyone or anything.

Most days I hate myself and other days I act like I'm God.

I'm too much in my own head, maybe I'm selfish for being the way that I am but I love to give and I've learnt to only give to who's important, I give my all to just make someone happy because I don't want then to be sad or down I don't want them to go through a rough time and yet I'm selfish...? I've never been told why and often that's the only question I have when people say these things.... why?

I've done so much looking at myself all because of that one word... and yet I can't see it... maybe coz I'm blind or not willing to see what they see... maybe I really am the cruel one here... I hate the thought of that but with how many people said I'm selfish maybe I need to look deeper.

I'm not looking for pity I'm not looking for sorrow I'm not expecting someone to point it out as I've already done that, I'm hoping that someone will understand and help me become better because I really don't know where I went wrong....