❛ INFINITE ╱ SADNESS .

the  sudden  resistance  he  feels  in  the  force  takes  him  by  surprise,   and,   just  for  a  moment,   anxiety  swells  in  him  as  instinct  kicks  in  &&  he  tries  to  jerk  the  orb  back  towards  him.  but  then  he  remembers  where  he  is,   remembers  that  they  are  not  on  the  battlefield  facing  some  sith  apprentice,   remembers  that  he  must  not  always  have  to  fight  or  flee.    ❛  sorry,  ❜   anakin  mutters,   hoping  they  can  leave  his startled  aggression  alone,   pretend  that  it  never  was.   he  leans  against  the  wall  with  a  huff,   dragging  the  sleeve  of  his  robe  across  his  forehead.  if  he  lives  to  be  one  hundred,   he’s  pretty  sure  obi-wan  will  still  be  offering  him  unwelcome  advice.   (  there  is  a  thought  that  he  is  trying  to  shove  away,   that  he  has  always  tried  to  shove  away  :  this  advice  is  not  unwelcome.   it  never  has  been  unwelcome.  )   

❛  obi-wan–   ❜   but  what  is  there  for  him  to  say?   what,   to  heal  the  gaping  wounds  that  lurk  just  under  anakin’s  flesh?   what,  to  heal  broken  trust  &&  broken  promises?   nothing.   there  is  nothing.   what  is  done  is  done.   now  there  is  only  the  war. ❛  i’ve  lost the  same  thing  as  everyone  we’re  fighting  for.   focusing  on  it  isn’t  going  to  help  them. ❜

that’s  what  he  tells  himself,   at  least. 

     even as the orb drifts into the waiting cradle of his palm, obi-wan’s attention is on anakin, angled against the far wall, his thoughts charged and turbulent and amassed somewhere yet further away, like thunderheads dark on the horizon or boot-trodden dust on the front lines. obi-wan wonders, a quiet solicitude availing itself of his features, if that is where anakin’s mind remains, that it would combat him so readily. 

   ❛ no, it very well may not, ❜ he concedes, a few heedful steps shrinking the distance between them some. ❛ but, if it could —- ❜ 

    ( obi-wan’s expression dampens at the jaw, eyes touched with gloom under the bunched hang of his brow. the irony of this is not lost on him. anakin shifting focus to the innocents caught in war, the bigger picture, and obi-wan endorsing — personal feelings. he sighs. makes a note to grapple with self-reproach later. )

    ❛   say  it.   say  fuck.  ❜   //  @sadfated.

however, i do want to make it clear that obi-wan does struggle with his emotions. all of them, not just love or sadness, but anger and apprehension too. it’s just he masks his doubts and impulses exceptionally well, even in front of other jedi masters like yoda and mace windu.  

and while i don’t always agree with j/ude watson’s characterization, i do like how she captures obi-wan’s ability to compartmentalize, and how that often comes off to other characters as his being unfeeling. ( same with k/aren miller’s characterization, though i think she gives obi-wan a little more room to be expressive, and that in the absence of warmth or anger, he exudes coldness rather than a neutral indifference. )

so anyway, yeah, obi-wan goes into exile and it’s a bad time. he looks after luke, and that’s a light in the darkness, but he also spends hours upon hours retreading his guilt and loss, reopening wounds that haven’t even closed, breaking the code in the process. and then there’s his interaction with the sand people:   

this  is  the  permission  he  has  been  seeking  his  entire  life.   permission  to  feel,   to  hope,   to  love.   normally,   he  shrinks  from  these  emotions,   even  as  he  feels  them  grow  inside  him.   if  he  pretends  they  are  not  there  —-  but  they  grow,   and  they  grow,   and  this  wave  will  soon  break  over  his  heart,   consume  him  entirely.   but  perhaps  there  is  another  way.   a  way  to  feel,   without  becoming  that  feeling.  

the  orb  goes  flying  again,   zipping  from  corner  to  corner.   this  time,   it  does  not  fall.   anakin  tracks  it  as  it  moves  if  only  so  he  does  not  have  to  look  at  obi-wan.   ❛   i  miss  her,   though  i  know  i  should  not.   ❜     these  words  are  an  offering.   will  obi-wan  join  him  at  the  altar,   bowing  his  heads  to  the  gods  of  loss,   or  will  he  turn  away?    ❛   i  lost  a  piece  of  myself  that  day.   i  have  not  been  able  to  find  it  again.  ❜    it  is  innocence  that  he  speaks  of.     

     were they here, the council would begrudge them both for this airing of grief. anakin for sorrowing still, as though his loss could have been interred in the sands of tatooine and summarily forgotten. obi-wan for allowing him, against their teachings, to exhume it. 

     he follows the wild trajectory of the sphere as it slews and pitches across the room with this in mind, hands clasped within the excess fabric of his sleeves. neither of them look at each other, and obi-wan thinks that’s for the best, really. he can see, hear, feel enough as it is. sentiment roils off of anakin like the suns’ heat from his native dunes. 

   ❛ — she was your mother, ❜ obi-wan says evenly, carefully, sidestepping anakin’s admission of should not despite its obvious truth. ❛ and you grew up with her under circumstances that most of us are quite fortunate to never know. ❜ 

❝COMMANDER  CODY  WILL  BE  READY  FOR  ACTION  SOON .❞  after  the  crash ,  the  mission  to  find  a  lost  brother ,  Cody  was  the  one  who  had  to  deal  with  the  most .  ❝I  hope ,  while  he  is  out  of  duty ,  you  can  agree  to  to  work  with  me❞  of  course ,  they  had  missions  together  before  but  never  did  Rex  step  into  Cody’s  footsteps .  ❝as  soon  as  the  Commander  is  back ,  I  will  return  to  General  Skywalker❞     

@sadfated​ *:･ﾟ✧ liked !

   ❛ i’m sure you’ll do just as well, captain. to be honest, i’d be more concerned over the possibility of anakin having need of you for too long. ❜

   ( after kadavo, obi-wan finds himself hard-pressed to conjure doubt in rex’s abilities. he isn’t commander cody, with the self-same adherence to protocol and clean structure that obi-wan vaunts in himself, but preferences are luxuries on the battlefield. rex is a fine soldier. that is enough for him. ) 

   ❛ — senator organa, ❜ 

   ( he won’t say it’s a pleasure, for it seldom ever is with politicians, even the half-pleasant or otherwise respectable ones such as he, but obi-wan does pause for a modest incline of his head. an acknowledgement bail is due as a friend of a friend, and as a man dedicated to interests of the republic, and as someone obi-wan has come, cautiously and quite reservedly, to admire. )