rather waste some time with you

IS SOAP JEALOUS OF PRICE AND GAZ??? Does soap express this to ghost? When did that start? Did price touch his shoulder or praise him too much infront of soap?

he isn’t but it’s almost entirely down to luck

masterpost

a lot of it is bc they met ghost through soap; soap found the gym, soap first talked with price, soap introduces him to gaz when they meet for the first time. if he had ever met them independently of soap? that jealousy absolutely would’ve taken root bc then ghost has a connection that has nothing to do with soap which in turn threatens his connection with ghost

unexpectedly, it’s easier to accept his friendship with price even though he technically threatens his place the most, especially since it was ghost who clocked price’s anger bc he recognised it in soap, they’re technically closer than he is with gaz. but soap connects with price through his connection with ghost; he knows price sees his anger, knows he knows soap was the one to give ghost his facial scars, knows through their shared anger that there could be more he’s hiding and more bruises that faded long before they crossed his path. price is protective of ghost bc he knows what it’s like to hurt people you never wanted to, knows you can’t protect anyone from yourself, so he takes a self-appointed place as ghost’s protection from soap

and soap’s too grateful that there is someone who will stop him from laying a hand on ghost again to be jealous of it

soap’s acceptance of gaz comes much harder bc he and ghost share those quiet moments, just like he and soap do; he’s less scared of damaging ghost so he avoids soap (without avoiding him) by hovering around ghost. soap is absolutely jealous of gaz in those moments, if he gets any modicum of attention from ghost that he thinks could be stolen from him, until gaz confesses his intrusive thoughts and why he goes to ghost more than he goes to soap and later on, why he goes to him instead of price when he’s in crisis

soap reframes their relationship in his head bc now gaz doesn’t prefer ghost - which could lead to him preferring someone over soap - he just doesn’t want to hurt soap. when that fear becomes less prevalent and gaz can hang out with him without fearing setting off an episode, they end up getting a lot closer which helps take the sting out of the moments gaz needs to leech off of ghost’s apathy

now, when it comes to anyone else? it’s game over

a waitress takes their order and her eyes linger a second too long on ghost? soap hates her, he hates her he hates her he hates her and they can’t go back to that cafe. never mind it was bc ghost was wearing his balaclava and she was more put off than interested but soap can’t see that; any attention on ghost is too much attention. if anyone tries to talk to ghost, even if it’s a cashier ringing them up and they address ghost before soap, he’s clinging onto his restraint with his teeth bc he wants to knock in theirs

it’s why he gets so viciously smug ghost chose him over tommy; it’s a pre existing connection soap knows nothing about, knows they were close enough that ghost’s memorised his number years later, but he also knows he’s never brought him up and tommy’s never visited or called to check on ghost, not to mention how much of a prick he was being when he was in the gym. soap hates tommy long before he ever hears the full story, long before he finds out he abandoned ghost, that he kicked him out when he was at his worst, that ghost suspects he was the one to call the welfare check which means ghost knows he didn’t want to check on him himself. ghost never tells soap any of this bc he knows how soap is and he knows without a doubt that soap would try to kill tommy

How waould a "good day" look like for Ghost and Soap in the Psych Ward? Where Ghost has enough energy to focus on something and Soap doesn't feel that overwhelming anger?

Does Soap still want to draw in his notebook in this AU or would that be too frustrating for him seeing the drawing he spend so much time on turn out bad or not like he wanted it to?

it really shows how angst pilled i am for this au that i actually had to stop and think 😭😭

cw religious trauma

masterpost

i think it would be a day where nothing really happens. they aren’t expected anywhere, they didn’t have a big day the day before so ghost isn’t coming off a physical and emotional hangover, and since there are no plans, he doesn’t feel like he has to build up and conserve what little energy he has for the One Big Thing he has to get through and soap doesn’t have to constantly manage his emotions for the same reason. a good day is one where they can just exist with each other without any pressure; part of how they bonded was not needing the other to get better, was accepting the ugly symptoms of their disorders without judgement, so while they can have a mentally bad day, if they’re together then it isn’t so bad

a thunderstorm in the park is a memory they both hold fondly; the torrential rain kept everyone else off the streets, it was so loud and so constant that it blocked every sound - both internal and external - out. it was like they were the only people in the city, the only souls around as soap took ghost by the hand and led him down the drowning path, their clothes quickly soaked through but they didn’t care

ghost loves showers even though (especially bc) he can’t get up the energy to have them very often; he loves the pressure of the water, the individual drops on his skin, the way he feels so clean. walking around with soap, feeling the rain on his skin and the way soap seems to only get hotter in contrast to the chill of it, the illusion of isolation without being locked away, the feel of soap’s hand in his…

if he hasn’t felt it before, this is the moment he thinks he might be in love with soap

the learning curve of art was tough for soap to get through but even as easily frustrated as he gets, he doesn’t want something to beat him so he sticks with it. after his parents gave him up bc of his episodes and the failed exorcism, art was one of the things the social worker tried to help him process what he’s going through; the only problem is while it does help him to get it all out, it makes him look even more out of control and crazy bc of the subject matter. the combination of it and his rage issues led to him aging out of the system without ever getting fostered let alone adopted

when he ends up in the ward with ghost, art therapy is one of the few things he doesn’t turn his nose up at but he becomes even more viciously protective of his journal bc the therapists use what he draws against him, using them to try and dig at his psyche and “fix” him. they try to diagnose him with religious psychosis when they find the drawing of him being exorcised as a child with more than a few creative liberties and the gross misunderstanding of what he’s created when to him it’s so obvious sends him deep into a spiral

soap doesn’t let a soul see his journal after that and the times the doctors take it from his room when he’s in isolation disturb ghost to the point that he hides it for him. a man is entitled to his privacy, even here, and ghost knows better than to look at this physical representation of soap’s mind and it makes a surprising amount of anger simmer in his chest that the staff don’t hold that same respect

it’s years after they get out before soap gets the courage to show ghost his journals. not out of shame or fear of judgment, but bc he still holds the scars of his trust being violated and his inner most thoughts flicked through like they’re nothing. even when he does, he can’t bear to let ghost hold it, just holds the pages open so he can see the few drawings he wants to show him

and if one of them is a recreation of that exorcism long ago with ghost tearing through the concrete floor and ripping the priest apart, not an angel sent to rescue an innocent but a damned soul choosing to fight for another sinner, then he doesn’t need to explain just how literal it is

I just wanted to pop by and say in relation to your last post about soap and his childhood/background plotting (again I love it all btw your mind is amazing) I have a diagnosed personality disorder and I hallucinate. Obviously everyone’s different and brains are weird places but I just wanted to share and say that those two things are very realistically related, so its not offensive (imo) or outside of the realm of possibility in anyway to link those two. Hallucinations are actually a lot more common than everyone thinks.

But anyways thank you as always for sharing your writings and I hope you have a great rest of your day

I loved what you shared about Ghost's story in the Psych Ward AU! What about Soap?

In your recent post you've mentioned that "Soap got away from his family the second he could - they hated him and his violence and he hated them right back for making him this way - so his parents and siblings are out."

It's awful hearing that Soap never experienced that kind of love and found it so unberable that he ran away.

Can you tell us more how his family "made him this way"?

i haven’t really thought much of soap’s backstory, he’s a bit like how he was introduced to ghost, just suddenly plonked in his vicinity and expected to go from there

masterpost

cw child abuse, self harm, religious trauma/abuse

i don’t know much about mania or personality disorders (or even really nailed down what soap even has) so i don’t want to spitball too much in terms of symptoms or when they appeared bc i wouldn’t want to be wrong or insulting but what i do know is soap was brought up catholic and the weight of being a perfect, godly (and god fearing) child didn’t help him in any way

i’ve said he doesn’t want to fight, just that it’s the only way he knew that could get the violence and voices and all the shit out of his head; he doesn’t want to inflict pain on people, not at first. pain is seperate from the anger he has inside, at least until he thinks someone is insulting him/making fun of him/wants to hurt or restrain him. growing up, his parents treat him with the kind of fear and suspicion as the type of child who would pull wings and legs off insects just bc he can; a sociopathic sadist in the making, and i ultimately think it culminated in them bringing him to their local priest to be exorcised

soap has a violent response to being touched, not bc he doesn’t want to be touched but bc when he has been touched unexpectedly, it always brought pain; things like his mam pinching his ears and dragging him to church. being forced to sit still and sit quietly makes it all worse, makes the urges even stronger, which makes the subsequent episodes even worse; when he was younger, he broke a lot, would suddenly start screaming and kicking the back of the pew in front of him, would tear up bibles bc they’re the only breakable thing he can get his hands on, and he would end up being dragged out of the church by his parents. bruises find a constant home around his wrists from their tight grip, on his cheeks when they can’t handle the screaming and threats anymore and backhand him into silence. but he doesn’t fall silent out of fear or from the punishment, he goes silent bc of the pain

the sting of his mam’s wedding ring on his cheek, the grind of his bones together when da snatches him by the wrist and shakes…

it makes the noise stop

he learns quickly that pain can be his friend, can be his parents’ friend. he starts to make it through church without screaming or kicking anything- bc he’s ripping his nails to shreds, blood beading down his fingers and staining his shirt cuffs. his parents don’t notice, they’re too happy to not be embarrassed by their youngest son anymore, too happy he isn’t causing scenes and destroying the tattered remains of their reputation, so when his mam washes his sunday best, she wilfully ignores the stains and simply gets out the bleach

this is when soap tells his siblings that he’s figured out how to get better. he’s figured out how to make the voices go away. he just has to dig them out

he shows them his hands, shows them the mess he’s made of his fingers and knuckles, and instead of being worried about him, instead of taking his ruined hands and cleaning him up the way he deserves, they wait for him to stop his manic ramble, to skip away like he’s on cloud nine bc he’s fixed it, and they go running to their parents to say he hasn’t stopped. he isn’t better

he still has the devil in him

that’s why soap can’t handle restraints even more than he would’ve, why he chafes at being told what to do, why he can’t handle anything that resembles an order; it all reminds him of that night when he was held down by the ones he loved and told there was something evil inside him and they need to rip it out. it makes his insomnia, his suspicion worse, bc he’s waiting to be pulled out of bed in the middle of the night again, to have his arms held by his brothers as his sisters walk behind him to make sure he can’t run far if he breaks free of their grip

it’s also why soap gets so quiet, so lost, when ghost walks away from him without a word when tommy shows up at the gym; all he can see is his family walking away after they tied him down, tired from hours of holding him down themselves, of riding out his screaming and writhing as the priest chants and prays and beats and hurts-

and he doesn’t understand why they’re leaving him