s a n c u a r y

Cliff: that kids a problem

whether hollanov would share is a debate i take gleeful part in on the side of both arguments depending on my mood.

ilya delights in texting cliff from shanes phone when theses things happen with a “tweet a picture of ilya and i.” and passive aggressive compliments if it happens during the season he’ll hit em with a “good game cliff, cant wait to see if you’re still favoring your left side when we play you guys in a month.”

What if we had a Heated Rivalry AU in which the boys elect to engage in some psychological warfare to ensure their coming out isn’t a shitshow within their teams.

Who can they depend upon for assistance? Women.

So Shane gives Ilya’s number to Jackie as “Lily” to add to the Voyagers WAG chat and Ilya gives Shane’s number as “Jane” to one of the Bears’ wives to add to their WAG chat and after they’ve both endeared themselves to these ladies and have built a rapport/trust with them, they admit that they’re not women, and are very anxious/scared about coming out because of hockey culture.

And the WAGs are like, oh, ok, we need to all make a serious effort to work on our husbands and boyfriends and ensure they’re not going to be dicks about this. So they start laying groundwork, encouraging their partners to participate in philanthropy events with queer kids, fundraising for You Can Play, camps, etc. And then they’re extra supportive/proud of their efforts. So anyone who isn’t already onboard is simply Pavloved into being an ally and anyone who is still resistant stays quiet as the locker room vibe shifts.

The next phase is when the WAGs are like, hey, we know you’re not out publicly, but do you want to come to private meetups and stuff? We can all keep it a secret! Even from our boys! And Ilya would really shine here, being dramatic about “oh yes, I would love to spend time with you beautiful ladies but I am afraid of what you say when you know who I am, because I am big famous celebrity but so misunderstood, you see🥺😔.”

And finally after they’ve made tons of assurances that they’ll still love him and treat him the same, and they won’t tell their partners, he tells them his identity. It’s a shock, but they get over it quickly, especially when he shows up in person for the next book club or whatever with a ton of delicious snacks and wine (I imagine hijinks occur on at least one occasion when one of the wives is hosting something and her husband comes home early and they all pitch in to hide Ilya and sneak him out).

Shane’s approach would be much more bashful at the start—the ladies love him because he’s shy but earnest and clearly pleased that they’re making an effort to include him and they all figure out quickly that whatever profession this man is in is very toxic but also he loves and understands hockey on a level that probably eclipses any of their partners so they’re like ohhh he’s in the industry, what if he’s one of the trainers or something?? No wonder he’s so nervous. And there are multiple behind-the-scenes bets over who this man is. Every time these women are at a game they’re squinting at staff like…is it you?? Are you the one who has turned Ilya The Slut Rozanov into a doting loverboy??

But anyway, they’re like we’ve had Jane(?) for a day and a half but if anyone is mean to him we’ll kill everyone in this room and then ourselves. But also they get to see him come out of his shell as he gets more familiar with them— A, because he has great sex tips?? It’s always the shy ones, amirite? (they are especially impressed by this after he tells them who he is). But also that boy is just dying for an avenue in which he can be appreciated for his cattiness; I know he’s keeping them fed in the group chat with his little asides about other players/league gossip. Tell me I’m wrong.

All this to say, when Shane and Ilya finally do decide to come out, on their own terms, all the WAGs are on board on both sides of the equation (maybe they even start cahooting once they know the coming out is imminent?).

So I’m picturing after one of the games— during the playoffs when all the WAGs are in attendance—they decide that Ilya is just going to show up afterward when the ladies arrive to congratulate their menfolk. So there are a bunch of cameras around when Shane is like, “Hey everyone! Lily is here!” And plants a kiss on Ilya and before any of them can react, their wives are like “AYYY ILYA! So good to see you, girl. Give me a hug.”

And the three journalists in the room who are leaving after getting their postgame soundbites are like, wait, holy shit, turn the camera back on, are you getting this?? As the WAGs all converge on Ilya and then disperse to their shell-shocked partners. Some of whom are like, “is this real?? You knew?? You’re on a first-name basis with Ilya Rozanov?”

“Oh yeah, Ilya has been coming to book club whenever he can make it for like a year.”

“ILYA ROZANOV HAS BEEN IN MY HOUSE?? Why didn’t you TELL ME?”

“Baby, didn’t you say after working with the kids from that camp you understood how important it was for people to come out on their own terms?”

”I…did say that. Yes.”

“Besides, he’s the one that introduced me to that microbrew you love so much.”

“My favorite beer. Came. From Ilya Rozanov.”

Anyway. Thanks to the ladies’ overwhelming presence, and their assistance running interference for that first exposure, none of the guys say (or have a chance to say) anything problematic. Shane and Ilya both give little soundbites about how awesome the Voyager WAGs have been and how supportive the team is in general––Exibit A, the guys are totally chill with Ilya coming into the family room! Obviously they trust their captain to keep his relationship separate from hockey (casual stat drop). At which point, Shane also very casually says that the Bears WAGs have been super kind to him as well, and Ilya confirms that HIS team is even MORE supportive of their relationship.

So when the news hits, the Bears WAGs are all like “Yeah, we ARE more supportive” posting selfies they’ve taken with Shane on the rare occurrences he’s been able to join them in person for something. And the Bears players are like, ok we didn’t know, but we’re not going to let the Voyagers show us up. Obviously we’re more supportive of Roz than they are of Hollander.

And then the commissioner can’t walk back all of the ensuing online (mostly positive) fervor, so they have to release a statement about how supportive the league is in general and no, of course we’ve known about this all along, we certainly weren’t the last to know. We’ve definitely been aware of this longer than approximately 50 players and all their wives. Total allies for sure. ✊🏼

Great success.