Rine!

Work is slow. America is… whatever it is right now. Most days, I just count the minutes until I can log off. I round that shit too.

My birthday is coming up. The only plan I've made is the PTO I filed for the entire week. I'm considering driving to Texas to see my brother and his wife, the kind of people you don't have to perform for.

My lease is up in September. Planning to renew month-to-month because living here feels like slow-motion crashing out (as the kids say).

On easy conversations: They disarm me in a good way. Most of my social reflexes were built for survival or navigating coworkers, so when I find myself in something effortless, with no mask or script, it feels like coming home.

Speaking of home: Mother’s Day (estranged) and Father’s Day (same) passed. Felt things, but nothing tectonic. I know I’m better off. I ask myself, “Aren’t you too old for this?” I recently read a 76-year-old talk about how his parents’ love still feels like a phantom limb. So.

It hit me today that I haven’t truly listened to music in over a year, outside of the EDM and trap I play as background noise at the gym. So I decided to change that. I revisited my old favorites: Patti, Luther, Whitney… and it felt like reuniting with a part of myself I’d forgotten. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive in the quietest, most comforting way.

Of course, my manager wanted to “talk” about the email I sent rescinding my application for that internal role. I’m not naive, I know how this game is played. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy showing up to that meeting with my freshly done nails (which I painted on the clock, by the way). If nothing else, my hands looked impeccable while I nodded through the corporate script.

I had a proper cry today. The kind that leaves you spent but lighter. All the tension coiled in my chest and shoulders just… dissolved. I feel so much better.

Lower my tolerance for nonsense,

Journal like it’s my job, and

Put my peace above everything else.

So that’s what I’m doing. I rescinded my application for a promotion because the pay increase wasn’t worth the bullying and targeting. My sanity is non-negotiable.

I’m planning some road trips soon. I don’t have community here, and honestly? I don’t see it happening. The performative “justice” in Norman is… something. And by something, I mean disgusting.

My brother’s anniversary just passed, and I’m so happy for him and his wife. Feels like yesterday I was at the courthouse, directing their photos like some unqualified, overconfident paparazzo. I absolutely did not know what I was doing. lol

There are people I haven’t hugged in years, and I want to change that within the next 12 months. If you felt a little something reading that… yeah. I’m talking about you.

We’re in couples therapy. My partner seems to think it’ll fix things. For me, it’s becoming clearer that it might be too late.

People say they want good communication, but when you communicate calmly about serious issues- no yelling, no drama- they don’t take it seriously. I approach relationship problems methodically because I’ve been in therapy since childhood. That’s just how I operate.

I’ve been raising the same concerns for over two years. Every time:

I bring something up

They get emotional

I end up comforting them

We might agree on a solution that doesn’t last

Repeat

I give too much in relationships. By the time I realize I’m not receiving the same effort, I also realize the other person might not be capable of it. They’ve made accommodations for their own needs while dismissing mine.

I’m nearly out of energy to keep trying. What little remains might just be guilt about leaving someone who’s become dependent on me.

I’ve been working through some hard things in therapy. For the first time, I’m facing issues I’ve always avoided. It’s painful, but I can tell something inside me is changing. I think my life is about to shift because of it.

I’ve never really believed anyone was on my side. It’s not that people haven’t tried- I just couldn’t feel it. I’ve always prepared myself to handle things alone.

At work, it’s been the same. I’ve been there for 2.5 years. I’m good at my job- reliable, quick to learn, the one they call when they need something done right. But I’ve also felt singled out. My mistakes get noticed more than others’. My old supervisor and I didn’t synergize well, but my current one differs. She actually listens.

Today, she stopped me in her office and said, “I’m so tired of them picking on you.”

I never complained to her about it. But she’d seen it anyway.

“When anyone else messes up, it’s no big deal. But with you? They make it a problem. They bring it up in meetings like it’s something I need to address. And I’m done pretending it’s not happening.”

I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t.

For the first time, someone not only noticed what I’ve been dealing with but was angry about it. They stood up for me without me having to ask.

Anyway. Life Update™:

- Still in Oklahoma (sigh), but plotting my escape like a disgruntled protagonist in a Southern Gothic novel. The countdown begins.

- Therapy? Still winning. Shoutout to Black women therapists-y’all are literal alchemists. Every session feels like peeling back layers of bad programming and replacing it with "Oh, I don’t actually have to tolerate bullshit?" Revelations.

- Went to the Bill Pickett Rodeo in Fort Worth (shoutout to my brother and SIL for dragging me). Me? At a rodeo? The universe is hilarious. But Black cowboys/girls/non-binary pals out here reinventing the Wild West? Art. History. Magic. 10/10 would awkwardly two-step at again.

- My psychiatrist, however, can catch these hands. That’s all I’ll say.

- Health glow-up! Nothing drastic, but my body’s finally like “Oh, we’re doing maintenance now? Cool, cool." Small wins.

- Trump can also catch these hands. And a dictionary. And a one-way ticket to a silent retreat on Mars.

- My therapist says I need local connections. Meanwhile, Norman’s social scene has me like: [crickets]. I’m not forcing it. If the universe wants me to bond with someone here, it’ll have to send a carrier pigeon with a detailed PowerPoint on why we’d vibe.