RudeWorthy

Just spent a week-deserved weekend with my Wife, in Nashville. It was crazy packed with people but well had a blast!

I slept and read most of the day but am in general feeling more hopeful despite looming medical and family issues.  I ordered new boots for cross-country skiing.  Can’t wait to get them!  It’s snowing as I type.  Hopefully the cold will subside a bit this week so I can go out and enjoy the snow.  I need some nature.

For a while now, the world has weighed heavy on my shoulders and apart from that, my Uncle Wayne and Old Man River left the earth.  It was time for them to go.  I also had to let go of an old friend from college.  She was wearing me down.  I don’t like letting go of people like that but some losses are necessary.  Home life has been difficult too.  I’m tired of living in a house that’s falling apart.  I’m tired of feeling like I don’t exist to the people I love the most.  I’m tired of people telling me what they think I should do.  I’m tired of not feeling right.  I don’t want to be here, but that’s not up to me.  I understand that.  My goal this week is to find a part-time or volunteer gig.  I need to give more, take less.  Chin up, my friends.  Chin up.

I’m listening to the NPR podcast, How I Built This with Guy Raz interviewing Kim Jordan about how Fat Tire was created. This story fascinated me for a couple reasons. First, I dig hearing how normal people do extraordinary things based on dreams. Second, Fat Tire was the sole relief from a major disc issues at L4/L5. The far reaching Pain is impossible to explain, kind of like trying to explain how depression seemingly appears out thin air for no good reason, staying for as long as it feels it needs to stay. It’s simply excruciating! As I lay in my bed writing this, I’m reminded how devistating the pain is. Even now, 10 years beyond my first surgery, the pain continues to keep me up at night. 10 years ago, the best treatment, at the time, was for me to drink two or three Fat Tires after work. Fat Tire was my only relief-it was my life saver. I don’t condone how I medicated myself, my mom is a recovering alcoholic. It worked for me, even better than opioids. I’m super thankful for Fat Tire. If I could drink a few right now, I certainly would. My current pain is off the chart. Unfortunately, I have Celiac disease and can no longer drink traditional beer. The gluten free beers aren’t the same.

That is all!

It has hit me hard this month. I don’t know where it comes from. I can’t predict it. This time it has hit me like a freight train. Perhaps it’s the retrograde bullshit. I’m all up in my feels and and I don’t like it.

I’m going fishing this week with my friend, Kathy.  I can’t wait!  Fishing brings me back to my roots with blood family and not blood family!  Love it!!!!

I’m probably paying for the late night on Sunday, talking with friends in Guttenburg.  It was way worth it!  Don’t get me wrong, but there’s a thing we do with spoons that shows how chronic pain patients can do too much in a day or in a week and end up borrowing spoons from other days to get through.  I did that last Sunday and Monday.  We only get so many spoons each day.  Sometimes we don’t think ahead to fun things coming up and end up using another day’s spoons ahead of time.  It's like borrowing money-eventually you gotta settle up.  Eye roll.

The other night I said my life is a shitstorm.  The evening was the shitstorm.  I spent the first part of the day with one of my bestest friends, Jana.  She always makes me smile!  My house is chaos right now because our daughter just moved back in.  She is doing a lot better but my house is a mess.  There are so many things needing to be done in my cluttered house, it’s like having too many tabs open on my computer.  I’d rather do nothing than pick one thing at a time to complete.  It’s all good!

Yes.  Today was a shitstorm!  I’m exhausted.  Cleaning the pool is an awesome stress-reliever!  I remember all those years spent at camp, cleaning the pool on Sunday mornings.  It was my church back when I felt like the church had done me wrong.  Yeah, I was working at church camp.  Goofy, right!  I had little pockets of good church experiences, including seminary.  I worked for and lived with great church people!  Almost everything and everyone related to the church has gone sideways since then.  Insert politics here.  I can’t finish this tonight. . .

This is Dad and Jeff coming back from a very long day in Washington, D.C.  My Dad loved it!  He was in the Navy during the Korean War.  He doesn’t talk about it.  That’s normal for the guys who came out of those early wars.  He enjoyed this experience more than he could express!  Honor Flight is an amazing way to honor our Veterans!

Went on an adventure with these two on Sunday. Lawana and I grew up together. First quality time spent since I don’t know when! Connect with friends and family, folks! Life is too short! Make it happen! We had an amazing day!

Spending a day on the Mississippi with childhood friends! So amazing to catch up today! We went on a boating adventure and a super dangerous diving expedition involving a bottle of Prosecco!

So great to be with this 100 Mile Wilderness survivor today! That is all!

It was super fantastic to get hugs from Christy today!  She looks great and seems super happy to be home for a few days!  Puts my mind at ease as well.  Steroids have given me a burst of energy to do things I’m not normally able to do.  I cleaned the floors and did dishes and laundry.  After all that I was on fire from working so hard so I hopped into the pool and swam nearly 50 laps.  The last time I swam like this I was also running every night in my SE neighborhood.  It was a time when my weight was at its lowest.  I was most comfortable in my own skin.  I’m dream believing that this pool will help get me back to space where I can function a bit beyond anything I’ve experienced in a long while.  I feel good.  My breathing is good.  My favorite part about swimming is the peacefulness under the water and I count my laps back and forth.  So much peace surrounds me in the water as I glide back and forth, back and forth. . .

If you are paying attention, you may have noticed my silence regarding Christy.  Out of respect for her, I’ve chosen silence because it’s Christy’s story to tell.  I will say this-she made it through the 100 Mile Wilderness in 5 days and 6 hours.  Do the math!  She’s amazing!  I’m so proud of her and proud to have her as my sister!  Love you, Sissy!  I’ve not always been very good at keeping my mouth shut.  I tell too much.  Christy is so humble.  I strive to be more like her.  The rest of the Summer I’ll be reminding myself to keep more of my own secrets, to be a listener-more than a talker, and to be radiantly positive.  Peace out rainbow trout!

Morning outside my box kinda peace!