#strugglebus

[The Great Drumstick Dilemma]

[POV: You’re three coffees deep and the drive-thru worker starts asking philosophical questions. 🍗✨

There is truly no specific brand of panic quite like being asked "which side?" and your brain immediately choosing anatomy over appetizers. We’ve all been there—standing at the counter or sitting in the car, buffering like a 2005 YouTube video while the person behind the glass waits for you to remember how food works.

Is it a left leg or a right leg? Does the chicken even know? Honestly, at this point, just give me the mashed potatoes and let me retreat into the shadows. This is your sign that if you’ve survived the "you too" after a waiter says "enjoy your meal," you can survive this. Stay strong out there, besties.]

I’m not ready to go back tomorrow.

I cried earlier tonight giving my son a bath because I was telling him that tomorrow he would be going back to daycare. Tomorrow Mama would be going back to school and Dada would be going back to work.

I am so blessed to have a school district that has daycare for its employees and I’m blessed even bigger by the fact that the location of the daycare is in my building.

However-I am not ready to go back to school and to be a mama to 25 other babies. My year so far has been hard. By far the hardest year I’ve had yet. Coincidentally or not so coincidentally it’s also my biggest class. 🙄 This class is SO needy. And in the worst kinds of conflicting ways. I have so much trauma and neglect that they all crave love and attention from me and I can’t give it to them im the ways they want.

They are mean to each other. They are mean to me-and I know they’re just 5 but they can still be malicious in their words and actions. The difference is-as an adult I know they are expressing themselves the only way they know how which somehow makes it worse.

This break has been wonderful. I’ve gotten so much family time my cup is full. But if I’m being honest I’m afraid to go back. I’m dreading the depletion this job and this class put me through. Now-I know Christmas break can be a magical time of growth for kids, and trust me, I’m PRAYING that mine have experienced it but-I just don’t even know if that will be enough. I had a headache the first 4 days of break and I truly believe it was from all of the tension that this class gives me. When I finally was able to let it go and settle into break mode it was wonderful. I didn’t have any health issues, had great moods/days, and found myself able to sleep deeply and soundly.

Today I went to school to take down some Christmas decorations and get my footing under me and as soon as I got home I felt a headache creeping back in. Let me clarify, however, that while this class is hard, this year admin and the office has seemed to make my year harder. My principal stepped in the last week of school before break after my first observation of the year when she came to the conclusion that Holy Batman! my class is made of bottled chaos and we’re all just surviving. But I’ve been vocalizing a need for help since the middle of September and my requests have been ignored or I’ve been paid lip service. Admin also, all of a sudden, had all of these additional requests from us as a staff that have never been held before.

All-in-all I’m SO ready for my year to be done. I’m trying really really hard to go into tomorrow with an open mind and a positive attitude because I’m no dummy and know those kids will call me on it the minute they see me if I don’t genuinely try to put positivity into them and into the universe but tonight I’m struggling. I’m really really struggling. And tonight is one of those nights where I consider other career options and my path in life because something in me says it’s just not supposed to be this way.