SATANāS BALLOON ANIMALS
guess what, itās time for another episode of Weird Biology! today weāre going to learn about a creature that looks like a stained-glass window, but stalks the oceans with toxic might powered only by the wind like a sailing ship of old.Ā
thatās right, itās the devilās own shopping bag-
the name is almost longer than the animal.
The Portuguese Man oā War is a floating jellyfish relative called a Hydrozoan. itĀ was named after the 18th century sailing ship, apparently by a blind person. āoh, it looks like a sailing ship under full sailā no it doesnāt, shut up. it looks like a rogue walmart shopping bag that blew into the Atlantic and makes a living by strangling innocent sea turtles.
but like the aforementioned plastic bag, the Man oā War uses its lovely blue-purple air sac to catch the breeze. it wanders in groups through the warm waters of the Atlantic, driven along by the wind and tides. kind of poetic, really.Ā
as long as you donāt look underwater, anyway.
Iām about to ruin it for everybody, hang on.
like so many other things in life, itās not what you see on the surface thatās important but what is underneath that counts.
in this case, whatās underneath is up to 165 feet of venomous tentacles. itās like that thing they say about icebergs, where you only see the top 10% and the rest is an invisible ship-killing nightmare? itās exactly like that.
except with poison tentacles.
the Man oā War is basically a biological fishing trawler, trailing these stupidly long tentacles like a fine mesh net through the water. and when an innocent fish who probably has a family at home comes into contact with thisĀ ānetā, specialized cells called Nematocysts are triggered to fire tiny poison harpoons into the victim, causing instant death or paralysis.Ā
the tentacle then reels itself upward into the body of the Man oā War like a fishing line, dragging its helpless victim upward to be digested.Ā
so, uh, actually not like a fishing trawler then, not like a fishing trawler at all.
unless the fishing trawler was designed by Junji Ito.Ā
though the Man oā War may look like a jellyfish, itās definitely not. in fact, itās not even a single animal! itās actually four separate organisms jammed into a venomous trenchcoat like three best friends trying to sneak into an R rated movie.Ā
āhow the fuck evenā, I hear you say. and thatās a valid question! itās not everyday that we discover that what we thought was a single animal is actually four smaller animals living communally to form a larger, more dangerous animal. it would be like discovering that opossums are actually comprised of 17 rats each.
no word on if they do a silly dance and tap their fingers together to fuse or what though.
in the Man oā Warās case, these four individual kinds of āpolypsā that comprise the complete final form are the air sac polyp (gets the gang around), the digestive polyp (converts murdered fish into energy for the whole gang), the reproductive polyp (makes small clones of each individual gang member), and the tentacle polyp (murders things indiscriminately for the sheer joy of it).Ā
thatās right, the tentacles are a separate animal! you might be wondering if they sometimes come loose, wander off, and just sting people/animals randomly when they drift into populated areas. what a silly question!Ā
yeah, happens all the time.
SHIT.
while rarely fatal, Man oā Wars stings can seriously injure humans. this is a big problem in areas where Man oā Wars are common, because storms and predators can knock the tentacles right the fuck off. the tentacles drift away, only to wash ashore and sting a hapless beachgoer weeks later. thatās right, rogue tentacles can still sting for days or weeks after separation!Ā even if the ManĀ āo War is beached! isnāt that neat! fuck!
the discovery of a beached Man oā War usually closes the entire fucking beach, for this reason. would YOU want to go fuck around in the sand if it might be full of over a hundred feet of poison spaghetti too fine to notice with the naked eye?
if the answer is yes, I have great news about a bridge Iād like to sell you.
if all this information upset you, Iād like to offer my deepest condolences. but buckle up for one last upsetting fact, and here it is: Man oā War are spreading.Ā
usually restricted to warm waters, climate change has driven the Man oā War as far north as Great Britain. thatās awful awful awful news for any country that touches the Atlantic ocean, which is lots of them.Ā
luckily, we have dependable allies in this fight: sea turtles and the Mola Mola! (which Iāve written about before) unfortunately just about all we can do at this point is to cheer these awesome devil-balloon-munchers on from the safety of shore, while trying to invent a Man oā War-proof barrier net.
for now, watch out for anything that looks like a floating plastic bag.
and for godās sake, watch where you step.
ā
thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.
if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee or check out my Patreon to see extra content and support Weird Biology.
ā
IMAGE SOURCES
img1- National Geographic img2- The Garden of Eadon img3- Sean Nash img4- Enrico Villa img5-Ā livescience.com img6- diply.com img7- Daily Mail img8- Sun Sentinel
These lil hoes are in Galveston too
