semi senioritis

my family is the most dysfunctional family i’ve ever seen

i exist within a universe full of misery where my house is a graveyard of words and it is also the place where i first learnt about heartbreak.

god knew i would be too powerful if i got my hands on an electric guitar right fucking now.

what to do when even academic validation isn’t working anymore? Like if i get good grades i don’t feel proud or a slight sense of accomplishment i don’t feel like i’ve done something or i’ve achieved something, just a sense of relief that it’s over like it’s just another chore i am obliged to do like i wouldn’t be me without this.

listen bro i am just trying to read this book and listen to my silly little songs and watch my comfort movies while eating chocolate ice cream. do not ask me where i see myself in five years i cant even see myself getting through this week yet here we are.

i don’t know what my kind of people do, people who have no dreams or goals to achieve, people who have not planned out their future, who have no idea what is happening or perhaps what will happen. it is so hard to see everyone having everything figured out and you’re just kind of there, just existing when every part of your being is screaming “you do not belong here. you do not belong here. you do not belong. you do not. you. you. you. will. never. belong.”

I thought i was okay with being alone. i made myself be okay with being alone. I thought it wouldn’t bother me seeing everyone have their own people. i thought it was easy to walk these corridors surrounded by ghosts of my own lonesome. But on some days at night when i lay wide awake on my bed, i stare at the walls and i feel so lonely i count sheeps and force myself to sleep.

i mention “i work better under pressure” as my strength as if i didn’t spend the whole night panicking.

did you think i’ll stay awake till 3 am and give you advice when i can’t even handle my own problems?? absolutely.

i am perfectly fine except for the trauma

my parents be like “no pressure” and then proceeds to say the most pressurising thing known to mankind.

I hated school but it scares me how much i want to learn, i want to learn about anything and everything. Tell me about the recent book you read, tell me about the stars and tell me how to recognise the planets and the constellations, tell me about the theories of psychologists, tell me about Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde, tell me about morals and your opinions and the society and tell me about crime and norms and your favourite character, teach me latin, greek and any language you speak, tell me about random fun facts you know, tell me about norse mythology you’re so obsessed with and tell me about the greek god and goddesses you adore, tell me your favourite quotes and lines and poems and stories, tell me about mythical creatures and the multiverse and the world in your head you always seem to travel to. i want to learn about history and philosophy and sociology and criminology and science and astronomy and i want to learn about media and archaeology and architecture and design and biology and languages and law and–