#parental issues

I start apologizing on default, if i apologize they can't get mad at me because they see me struggling.

And he starts in with, "oh honey, you're okay, you're okay I promise." Yall I am going to die.

Literally had to turn my head away because I got red and was about to cry.

I get the same way when those older smoker mom esque types come in with their "oh sweetheart" and "babydoll" ●|￣|＿ put me out of my misery oml.

I feel like a dog wagging it's tail when I get noticed and told I'm doing okay. Fuck off.

People in my house know I'm awake and I'm pissed about it. You're not SUPPOSED to check on me until at least afternoon, I tested it! But noooooo sibling fucking walked in loudly and then dad did and fuuuuck off get the fuck out I'm not peopleing in the fucking morning you're all insane for being awake at this time. I at least am only awake because I didn't sleep in the first place, and I'm the only sane one here, no one in their right mind goes to sleep and WAKES UP in the morning, you're all fucking insane and I despise that you know I'm up and it fills me with rage. I don't go out when I am up early until at least afternoon ON MY OWN TERMS cuz otherwise I cannot handle people but fuck that I guess. I would not have so many issues with mornings if I lived alone but I can't AFFORD that. Literally. I'm fucking broke and I don't trust tthat I could get a job or keep one if I actually got hired in the first place, which is another thing they don't understand. "Everything about who I am and my personality is why I wouldn't be hired" "so just be different" oh mask all the time? As if the whole concept of holding a job on its own without that already I'm sure I'd hit burnout? Do the thing that will make me burn out faster? Wowwwww what a great idea IF IT WASN'T FUCKING STUPID. I'm not gonna tell my parents I have a literal fucking personality disorder cuz I don't wanna deal with that, main reason for a lot of stuff I just don't tell them even as an adult, but that alone would make things hard, plus the AuDHD, memory issues, general disinterest, transportation, etc.

Okay, okay, got it off my chest. Almost posted this to main before remembering this blog.

You are religious because you have been told to be, I believe in gods because you taught me, I love them because they are kind. You preach of god and yet do everything they would disagree with.

What happened? You were the one who laid my very core and yet when I look at you, I feel like a stranger to you. I don't see the one who coddle me, I see the one who hit me when I needed help. When I look at you I don't see the one who made me laugh, I see the one who would willing wish the death of my kind.

Am I going on wrong path or our paths were never meant to be the same? Am I even suppose to be here? was my fate as same as the one's who were in your womb before me?

Was I even suppose to be yours to have? Why does home feels home when you are not there? I know I don't have to like you, that saying is just facade but knowing that I don't want you feels wrong and yet right. I love you but not who you actually are.