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i have this theory that jean's big cathartic moment at the end of tgr when he breaks down and admits he didn't deserve the sexual abuse he experienced is actually preceded by a more subtle version of this moment, one made possible by the fact that it involves the only other person who can understand what he's been through. when andrew realizes that neil could have been similarly abused at evermore, he asks jean to confirm or deny it. jean tells him that it would not have been an appropriate punishment for neil, and andrew, clearly shaken and unimpressed with this answer, presses the issue, asking what circumstances would have made it appropriate. it is jean's response to this that i find most revealing: he says, "you of all people should not have to ask." yes, this is a pointed reference to andrew's own experiences with sexual abuse, but what is jean actually saying? i think he's saying, "you of all people should know there is nothing that could possibly justify it. of course there isn't. but your abusers will tell you there is, and you'll believe them because how else can you make sense of what is happening to you." after he says this, jean digs a thumb into andrew's wrist and drags it up his forearm, where he knows from riko that andrew has self-harm scars. this is him driving home the point, saying "you've had to do things to survive too." because that's what jean's deep-seated conviction of "deserving it" is— a survival mechanism. and at the end of tgr, he finally feels safe enough to let it go.
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I keep fucking forgetting to do this bc Sunday's such a busy day for me at the farm usually but pls enjoy a fic I'm writing for @rottonpumpkin after seeing some mouthwatering art I can't wait for y'all to see.
@sereblue asked "what about omega jeremy nesting ON jean" and I wrote this at work. @rottonpumpkin also encouraged me to finish it by drawing a very sweet picture of jerejean
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
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JereJean had one single universe to find and choose each other because it was the only one in which Jean survived, and they did. One single chance and they fell in love. Legendary lovers indeed.
Neil survives Baltimore, he survives the finals against the ravens and he has all the reason and right to live.
So why doesn't it seem appealing anymore?
On the run, everything was survival, from squatting to stealing to killing. Now he didn't have to do that. But why isn't he happy?
He's all too aware of the imperfections generously decorating his skin, scars all shapes and sizes from various encounters, faults and accidents.
The jagged flesh pulled taut, the stares they brung, the questions and disgusted looks.
They give him purpose, they give him control.
All given to him by other people, other monsters.
So he gives himself his own, small things, nail biting, skin picking, light scratches on his wrist or calf.
Then he starts biting, chewing into flesh before covering them with his armbands. He started scratches, taking away skin flakes and leaving raised red lines behind.
No one notices, he's more relaxed, less tense than before, he feels good, his body is giving in to him.
He starts craving more, the bites go deeper, scratches rougher, blood is drawn and he is addicted.
He'd never felt this much relief before, he's satisfied with the sting and the beading blood.
He doesn't feel like he need to live anymore.
He doesn't need to survive anymore
He wants to give in.
He wants the pain to stop. The ache.
Neil Josten goes quietly, on a bloody bathroom floor, blood pooling from deep gashes.
He's smiling faintly.
And Andrew Minyard finds him an hour later after he never made it to the roof.
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