1996

It’s a terrible feeling, isn’t it? Missing someone. ‘Cause you begin to count days, hours, even minute. When before, you can be completely fine on your own, and then just like that, you realise you can be happier.

How do you become strangers again with someone who has seen your soul?

I wanted to write about leaving. About leaving him. About leaving pain behind. I wanted to characterise it as an act of bravery; as an act of freedom. The writer in me wanted to turn it into something beautiful. But the truth is it wasn’t beautiful. It was just leaving, it was just leaving. It was just walking away with a throat full of pebbles and trying not to choke.

I fell in love with you. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, I just did. I wish I could tell you, and I wish I could shout it out to the entire world; it burns my lungs and it makes me numb all at once - but I can’t. You’re my best friend, and I can’t risk losing you at all. Why can’t you see just how much I love you? Why does it have to be her, and not me? Every time you talk about her, it feels like a knife going through my heart. They say breaking up is hard to do, but waking up is harder. I wish I could just pretend like none of it ever happened and that my feelings never changed, but I can’t. I love you, S, and I wish you knew and felt the same. You’re the best and the worst thing that’s ever happened to me and everyday and night, whether it be 3PM or 3AM, it’s a living hell all the same for me.

Someday you will have the kind of maturity that will make you realize why some people have to leave you eventually in the end and you will accept those reasons.

I write because you exist.

Most people need love and acceptance a lot more than they need advice.

Never beg for love. Never beg someone to love you back or be with you when you want to. Never beg for someone’s time, commitment, affection and attention. Never beg someone to stay with you when you need him the most. Because in the first place, if he loves you that much, he won’t leave you and let go of your hand. He will never let you beg for his presence and love because he will give it to you with open arms. Don’t beg, it’s demeaning and degrading. Remember, if you have to beg, he’s not worth it. No one is worth begging for.

You asked me what was wrong, and I told you it was nothing because I could not imagine trying to explain how much I miss you. You asked me again, and I told you it doesn’t matter because I know I could not handle your silence, screaming at me to understand that you don’t miss me.

I saw a future in him. I saw soft pillows and linen sheets by the beach. I saw the possibility of what I wanted to wake up every morning and see.